Tomorrow we will be getting up at 3:30am to carry our (hopefully) sleeping children to the car for our 1.5 hr drive to the Minneapolis airport. From there we will head to Roanoke Virginia, and should have a delicious Thanksgiving dinner with my brother. We're all really excited. I'm a little nervous about the flight, but that's only because I just watched the excellent movie Flight in the theatre LOL. I have never been nervous to fly before, but I really needed to read Today's gift from Hazelden today! Thanks for posting it Roger.
As I began packing, I realized that a month or so ago when I planned this trip, the idea sprung from wanting to avoid my in laws for yet another Holiday. I used the fact that we've been putting off going to see my brother for a very long time to feed into my selfish desires to avoid my problems. I used my manipulative impulsivity skills to get everyone on my side about this. The dollars spent on the trip equal what my brother has spent coming to see us... we've never been able to go see him because he's always been in college and finally has his own place... the kids are finally old enough... the avoiding a few of the cold days of winter will be so nice reasoning... etc etc etc. While none of this is a lie - it's VERY manipulative.
I wouldn't have dreamed of doing this right now in our lives, had it not been the perfect way to COmPLEtely avoid seeing the in laws that I've been avoiding since they were told I am an alcoholic almost 8 months ago. The same ol' 'put the blinders on and just do it' mentality that allowed me to take my first drink time and time again when I was still active in my alcoholism, were pulled out and dusted off.... allowing me to make huge mountains out of mole hills. And just like before it felt...FEELS awful.
The worst part is... just like any impulsive decision to avoid life... there is no time to think it through.
His family could have easily planned the holiday for another weekend when we were back. I never even considered the fact that the meanest sister is always gone for this holiday, and it would have been a perfect time to show up for my first time with only 2/3rds of the family there. Way less stressful. Beyond that, I never dreamed I could possibly just work things out with my HP and get to a place of comfort with this whole ordeal in the meantime! I never considered I wouldn't need to be hiding anymore! It all seems PRETTY BLATENTLY SELFISH AND SILLY NOW! LOL
It's a great lesson once again... and I'm humbled by my HP's will for my life. Whenever I try to take the wheel, it just never EVER works out. I'm appreciative for my gifts today - the clarity to know I'm not in charge, and shouldn't try to be.
So the weight of these lies and this manipulation have kept me from being as excited as I should be about this trip. I will be owning up to them later to my husband and I know he will understand, but that's no excuse for not saying out loud what I've done, and that I'm sorry for it.
I am so thankful for all of you on this board. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Have a safe trip and a wonderful time Tasha ... thanks for the Thanksgiving wishes ... we all love you and look forward to you sharing some stories with us when you return ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hope you can use your skills to manipulate yourself into having a fun trip! Be gentle with yourself, and enjoy the journey.
I'm sure your husband saw a benefit in taking the trip and doing something different, otherwise he would not have agreed to go.
I always enjoy going to see my wife's family for the holidays, always seems more interesting and unpredictable for me, my family seems pretty predictable to me.
I'm grateful to have you all here for support. Happy thanksgiving to all!
-- Edited by Rob84 on Thursday 22nd of November 2012 12:31:07 AM
Give yourself a break!! Go enjoy your brother, your family, your trip, and a great little city. (And THANKS Pappy for the "look right in front of nose" info! Never even noticed that editor button :)
Happy Thanksgiving from the Pacific...Moku Keawe or the Big Island. Chose to just be a wife and me day and it was great...grateful to not be sitting here waiting for the next shoe to drop. I got in some of the games also with my spouse...at this time in our lives she is the fan and allows me to be the man...(what the hell does that mean?) anyhow I'm going to enjoy the kick back and stay in the moment while enjoying that I know exactly who I am, where I am and what time I am there. Wife did the turkey and the rest of the dishes and I elected to do all the clean up. Too stuffed to do any picking at the left overs. ..(((hugs)))
Have a great Thanksgiving
-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 22nd of November 2012 07:11:35 PM
I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
The wife and I had a nice buffet at the Hilton on Long Boat Key (Sarasota). After gorging myself I walked out to the beach and caught some rays for an hour. Back at the house I rented on Manasota Beach watching my Redskins brutalize the Cowgirls lol. A perfect day!
