I am a 40 something male married 12 years, 3 young children. I/my wife has been dealing with my alcohol problem since before our marriage. I have been good at times, but have been terribly impaired to the point of near disaster many, many times. I have managed to become and remain very successful in terms of my work and we have kept our family intact. After a recent bout of drunken behavior, I told her I want to stop, that I can't stand this anymore. We agreed to consulting a MD specialist and I am now on campral. Had no problem with detox with Dr.'s help, aside from feeling totally empty for a week, but had no problem functioning.
I've had one relapse in 2 weeks, and am seeing the Dr. regularly.
My problem is that my wife is adament that I must go to inpatient rehab, no questions asked. I honestly want and plan on changing my life, not drinking at all, and getting back to life. I have put a great deal of thought, prayer, energy into this, and have close follow-up arranged. Still, she states she will not help me or support me in any way unless I spend up to a month inpatient. Thus, she refuses to help me or talk to me about the things that go into this life-changing process. I accept that ultimately it's all my fault, but wish she would help me in a positive way. I am not asking for enabling, just understanding what I have, and what I need to do.
I ask, what can I do or say to her to help her understand? This is the first time I have ever admitted that I need help.
There were a lot of things I couldn't or wouldn't face in the beginning of my recovery. One of them was my wife had to get as emotionally sick as I was just to continue to live with me. The other truth I wouldn't face was being sober was entirely dependent on my willingness,not my wifes of my daughters. I "slipped" a lot in the early days. I slipped because deep down inside I wanted a free pass. Everytime I went out and came back people would aske me "What didn't you do this time??" I thought I could BS them. I was confronted one night at a step meeting,I was high and thought I was slick enough to get away with it (arrogance) I was asked in the meeting where would I rather be at an AA meeting or a bar. A chance to tell the truth and come clean. I lied and continued to die. Let me ask you where would you rather be at an AA meeting or a bar? I know I couldn't send my wife to AA and get sober for me. The good part is I did get sober and after a year of sobriety was blessed with a son. I'm still married to the same women I met when she was a senior in high school. One of the biggest blessings I received in recovery was her saying to me after I'd been sober a while "John. Looking at you I can believe in God". Deep down inside I think you know it's time to "GOYA" My wife couldn't get me drunk she sure as hell couldn't go to meetings for me and get me sober. I wish you the best and hope that you get to experience the miracle of doing all the things for yourself that you maybe only thought you could do if you were drunk or high or both.-John L
How important is sobriety to you? How important is the marriage?
If she's anything like my ex wife then she's rightly angry, disappointed and cynical, and I dare say she's probably heard it all before. Good intentions won't cut it any more. You'll have to earn back the trust, and the only way to do that is to change yourself and with time.
Best advise I can give to you is to get to some AA meetings where you'll get a better understanding of your disease, and how to recover from it. Maybe wiser heads than mine might have some better advice.
Alanon - although I haven't had anything to do with it - comes highly recommended from many people in the fellowship, and might be something to consider.
Guess it was a little different for me, but there are similarities ... I begged to go to an inpatient rehab, I didn't trust myself to stay clean that 1st 30 days ... Lord knows I tried many times ... My wife went along with me on that, but held little hope for my recovery seeing as how I failed so many times before ... she was hopeful, but didn't expect anything ...
When we have gone years lying, cheating, letting them down time after time, then to regain their trust also can take years(I've been married 39 years) ... it's what we call a 'living amends' ... anyway, it seems that you may still want to 'control' how things are going to go and she doesn't think that's wise ... I'm not saying she knows what's best for you, but at the same time, I doubt that you do either ...
It may be time to swallow some pride and concede that you don't know what's best for you ... Try to keep an open mind and consider your situation and what it is you stand to lose by trying to do it your way ... At that point in my life, my thinking wasn't worth dog poo ... your wife is all too clear on the fact that everything up to now, short of an inpatient stay, has failed ... I kinda see where she's coming from ... and you can't expect her to trust your judgement until you start showing her that you are capable of making good choices ...
Just sayin', ... try to put yourself in her shoes ... then would you treat you any differently ??? ...
Good Luck and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Welcome to the MIP board. Glad you have the desire to stop drinking.
Most of the people on this site are staying sober working the program of AA, so you will mostly see replies based on those experiences and other facts of our recovery program.
Personally, I recovered solely through the rooms of AA, many others have attended treatment centers and they have been benificial to them. The goal of most successful treatment centers is to help clear the fog and get you started in the AA 12 step program.
We believe that alcohol was just a symptom of our disease ... We had to get down to causes and conditions, there is work to be done (12 steps). We believed that we where spiritually sick, thus there must be a spiritual solution.
We believe that to be vital, faith and prayer must be accompanied with unselfish and contructive action.
I would tell your wife that if you completely give yourself the AA program, start working the steps, get active is a group and do what is suggested you will stay sober.....rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
Most alcoholics including myself, tend to minimize their illness. We are not dealing with a hang-nail, the fact is this serious illness calls for serious action, but the rewards are tremendous. Our program is a design for living.
Hope this can help.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I wish I had the luxury of going to a 30 day inpatient when I got sober. I did it at home and went to several meetings a day. I really can't blame your wife for reacting like she has. You admitted you've been sober for 2 weeks and have already relapsed. At this point she doesn't believe anything you say. I was a liar of the worst kind when I was drinking. I would tell my husband whatever I thought he wanted to hear so I could continue to drink how I wanted to. I guess it all depends how much your marriage means to you. It was the imminent threat of losing my family that got me to my first AA meeting over 6 years ago, and now I have a life I am grateful for each day. Best of luck.
If you think that you can fix decades of alcohlism with a pill....
Inpatient rehab would not be a bad option but even more than that, I would suggest doing at least 90 AA meetings in 90 days. You are so blessed that she hasn't bailed on you already and yet you are complaining that she isn't supporting you the way you want. Sound like standard alcoholic behavior and trying to run the show. You can take the alcohol away but the alcoholic thoughts and sick behaviors will stay there without AA.
That's my take.
This is not meant to be harsh, but meant to be straight talk. If you have questions or want to soak up some more of what AA is, this is a great group of folks and a good sounding board for asking those questions.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I have also been in the place of your wife. Allow her to make her own journey through her recovery. She too is very sick. Remember-alcoholism is a family disease. Hopefully, she will find her way to Al-Anon where she will find love and fellowship.
Finally wrote: I honestly want and plan on changing my life, not drinking at all, and getting back to life.
Sounds like you want to quit for good and have no lurking notion that one day you might be able to drink again. That covers the only requirement forAA membership, and the first step pretty well. You have recognised that your life will have to change, and you will have to live a different way in order to funtion effectively in the wolrd.
This is about as far as a good rehab can get you, a realsitic view of your situation and the awareness that things will have to change. The question then is can you do this on your own power. For me the answer was no, I needed spiritual help, and that is what AA offers. Rehab may give us a start, but we are talking about a life long path of change and spiritual growth to bring about a permanent recovery. The family is always a bit behind on this, we have a lot of making up to do. there is a passage in the Big book which is apropos:
"Yes, there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. We must take the lead. A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won't fill the bill at all. We ought to sit down with the family and frankly analyze the past as we now see it, being very careful not to criticize them. Their defects may be glaring, but the chances are that our own actions are partly responsible. So we clean house with the family, asking each morning in meditation that our Creator show us the way of patience, tolerance, kindliness and love.
The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Unless one's family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them. We should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters. They will change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than our words. We must remember that ten or twenty years of drunkenness would make a skeptic out of anyone."
Hello Finally and welcome to the board. I didn't have time to read the other responses (gettting ready for work) but I'm sure they said get into AA meetings daily, get a sponsor, and work the 12 steps with all the earnestness and effort that you can bring. You've got to really want this or you will flounder in your sobriety and lose everything that you love or thought that you did. It's likely, if you don't get sober, that you will lose your family and your career in a year or so. Get honest with yourself and get busy working this program that has worked for all that replied to your thread.
I wouldn't jump to assuming Finally's wife is "sick"; insisting on inpatient after having "had enough" sounds pretty healthy to me!
And we don't know whether Al-Anon or some other appropriate education is helping her through this. Inpatient is a real luxury if one is able to go. Treatment is not in conflict with AA. Inpatient offers an environment in which to focus on early recovery without trying to juggle a dozen other life impingements at the same time.
Drinking within the first 2 weeks of being dry, by the way, is not a "relapse", as one would learn in treatment...it is merely a return to drinking, however brief. (I am using the term relapse correctly, as a describable multi-stage process with defined symptoms preceding the return to drinking, not being "judgmental".) :)
To clarify, I don't believe encouraging rehab indicates being sick. I just know from growing up with an addict and being in a relationship with another alcoholic that the insanity that it causes the whole family is pretty darn difficult to be immune from. it is really hard to live with an alcoholic and/or addict and not be impacted by the disease. Even with working an Al- Anon program it is hard. Sooo hard. We all get sick. Alcoholism is suffocating. Having been in that place, I feel for your whole family. Let you all find your own recovery. sending good thoughts...
It's hard for us to really know what our motives are when the thought of a drink is running the show.
Your wife is much wiser and stronger than most people i know. It must be very hard for her to do the right thing for you and her and your kids. When I say that, i mean that in not saving you she's allowing you the dignity to make your own choices.
I don't think it's your wife's support you need. That won't work. it's the support of AA (and maybe treatment first, I'm a fan of that route) that works for the alcoholic.
Only an alcoholic who knows the solution can help another alcoholic recover. Wifes can't do this.
We come to AA and we learn how to take care of ourselves and our illness and then our relationships get better again.
I wish you blessings on your joureny. I can hear you want to get better.
Aloha Finally and welcome to the board...I love the responses and support you have received here. At one time I didn't think any alcoholic; including myself would be or could be as unconditionally loveing and supportive until I got into 12step recovery myself. I am called a "double". I am a member of both the Al-Anon Family Groups because my close relationships...family and spouses have come within the disease of addiction and to answer the genetic call I am also alcoholic.
Alcoholism isn't a moral issue...it is not a "fault"...it is a disease; a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body which can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. It is four fold disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions and there are but three resolutions to it...sobriety, insanity or death. It is a fatal and progressive disease which mean if not arrested it will progress over time and become fatal. If an alcoholic were to stop drinking for a time and then continue it will be as if no time of sobriety ever existed often it will be worse.
Because it is a compulsion of the mind and an addiction the alcoholic has lost the ability to choose when they will drink the disease makes that choice for them.
Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with; family friends and associates and often these are affected in much the same way as the alcoholic or worse because they do not have the anesthesia of alcohol to block out reality. They too affect everyone they come into contact with and have much the same three choices...serenity, insanity or death.
I am alcoholic and a former spouse of addicts and alcoholics. I was born within the disease on both sides of my family and am a former therapist in a large in/out recovery program. I have held leadership positions in two NFP recovery programs and have founded and co-founded recovery groups for men only and mixed using the 12X12 AA and Al-Anon programs. I have counseled and been counseled because of this disease and have been Serene and Sober since 1979.
Your wife needs compassion and empathy; a hug and a pat on the back and the hotline number for the local Al-Anon Family Group area face to face meetings in the area. She needs to have her pissed off mood respected and her thoughts and feelings verified honestly. Being married to an alcoholic/addict sucks big time; I know cause I've been there also. You can't use your wife's support because she didn't cause the alcoholism, she cannot control it and she will not be able to cure it; she knows this by now and is frustrated to the point of walking away from it. That is normal in alcoholic relationships and you cannot control or cure it either. She's and the kids have done enough don't you think?
Like Pinkchip mentioned I also don't think that can come out of a pill which might help you stay dry and won't introduce you to sobriety which is an entirely different thing. What St Pete Dean responded with I've witnessed often; the results of continued progressive drinking. By the way the definition I gave earlier is from the AMA. The support you have received here is from recovering alcoholics and alcoholic/addicts who have and are continuing to remain sober thru the AA 12 step program. We don't know about the pill. We know about the program. Go to your local phone book and in the white pages you will find the phone number to the local central office of Alcoholic Anonymoust in your area. Call that number and find out where and when the soonest meeting is available to you and go; find you chair, sit down; all the way down, listen with and open mind, learn and then practice that same thing tomorrow if you get a tomorrow. We live this program One Day at a Time. I'm in support of both you and your lovely wife. (((((hugs))))) to both of you and keep coming back
-- Edited by Jerry F on Saturday 24th of November 2012 03:55:40 AM
I had to revisit this thread because this topic came up in a meeting today. The amount of people who had reached the boundary splitting point with spouses, parents, medical, or law enforcement was staggering yet the responses we all had prior to AA was the same. I'm actually going to make another thread about this the more that I think about it.
My main point is that it seems pretty crazy that you would even balk when your wife of many many years and mother of your children is suggesting you take just 1 month to focus on your life threatening illness that has probably terrorized her repeatedly over the years. If anything, that should give you a clue as to how much your alcoholism still has you in its grips.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
My main point is that it seems pretty crazy that you would even balk when your wife of many many years and mother of your children is suggesting you take just 1 month to focus on your life threatening illness that has probably terrorized her repeatedly over the years. If anything, that should give you a clue as to how much your alcoholism still has you in its grips.
My wife and I had been married over thirty years when she finally came in one day after work and said 'that's it' I'm filing for divorce ... I've had enough ... she told me she just wanted out ... that I could have the house and half the furniture and the car and truck and everything else ... she said I just can't stand coming home to you drunk every freakin' day ...
I drank for a few more weeks and then begged to go to rehab ... cause this time I knew she was serious(but I continued to drink for a few weeks cause King Alcohol was telling me, 'Hey, you get the house and then you can drink like you want and there'll be nobody to bitch at you') ... for me, a miracle happened in rehab this time and with time she allowed me this one last chance ... I haven't had a drink since, thanks to God and AA ... (and we celebrated our 39th wedding anniversary this past year ...)
I don't know that ultimatums ever really work on alcoholics, we rationalize too much ... but it did one thing for me, it made me think ... and it was all about making the 'right' choice ...
Thanks,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thank You everyone for your replies! They are all so helpful and thoughtful.
A little background for perspective. This is the first and only time I have ever admitted to myself and wife that I have to stop all alcohol, for good. I had always told her (and me) that I can moderate. But it doesn't work that way for me. I feel good about truly accepting this for the first time.
However, once I made this admission, and asked for her support, she has since been unwilling to talk about anything about inpatient. She won't support helping me to change routines. I need to have a new life routine. I can't just come home and sit on the couch and just have the void of not drinking, and saying "everythings fine now". I accept the responsibility for all the pain I have given her, and continue to pray to God for forgiveness. I also need help moving forward, though.
The campral helps but I realize it's not the total solution.
I have been to a Dr. twice with follow-up planned, and am waiting for an appointment with an alcohol counselor for one-on-one and then family meetings.
I truly appreciate your follow-up advice. My family is my world, and I won't give up on this!
I truly appreciate your follow-up advice. My family is my world, and I won't give up on this!
Thanks
Hi Finally, ... ...
If you are willing to go to any lengths to get and stay sober, first, do it for you, then secondly, for your family ... and if you insist on trying this without the aid of a rehab facility, then go to 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor, work the steps and maybe, just maybe, you'll not need the help of an 'inpatient' program ... ... ... We're here to support you in whatever way we can ... your choices in the next few days and weeks can make a big difference in your life ... good or bad ... just try to use some 'common sense' in the matter ... read the AA Big Book ... and the 'Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions' ... go to book study meetings too ... the sooner the better ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks for the comments. I am a little frustrated because this is the first and only time I told my wife I want to stop, have to stop, and want help. She then went right to "Has to be inpatient.." and won't help me otherwise. I really feel like her support and some encouragement will be helpful, as opposed to every conversation focusing on how bad I've been and inpatient. I feel a need to not have all my energy focused on guilt, since I already feel awfully guilt-ridden. Need to find some hopeful feelings. She wasn't the one to make the ultimatum.
Take the opportunity to prove her wrong. Go to meetings every day, get a sponsor, work the steps. If you let your disease deal with this, it will become an excuse to drink and you'll sabotage your success. Get busy and quit obsessing about what she thinks.
