Welcome to MIP Chad, glad you found us ... you wrote:
hucksley wrote:
Hello everyone, my name is Chad, I'm 21 years old and I'm an alcoholic. I haven't started attending meetings yet but will in the very near future (as in tomorrow). A little bit about my story/situation...
It all started last year in my junior year of college. I was excited to begin a new year in a new apartment with new roommates. The possibilities seemed innumerable and endless. I had been living in my fraternity house the year before, which could quite possibly be the worst place for someone with alcoholism to be on a regular basis. However, ironically enough, it started as soon as I moved out of that environment. Weird how this stuff pans out, huh?
Anyways, so after moving into this new place, one of my roommates decided that he wanted to drop out of school and get drunk every night, making ends meet by selling a certain herb to a certain group of acquaintances. Not exactly the best person to be around, and after awhile we grew quite sick of his shenanigans. Evicting him was discussed but never came to full fruition. After awhile, I started hanging around him more for emotional support, after all, he was my friend and I was growing very concerned for him. He had had a lot of issues with his parents and with the budding phases of alcoholism, so I figured I would do something nice for a friend in need. I started to go out with him to keep an eye on him, but after a very short while I ended up going out for my own enjoyment.
We would go to bars 4-5 nights a week, often spending ridiculous amounts of money on alcohol and other drugs. Soon thereafter, I started to drink during the day in order to stave off the hangover. Soon, my goals quickly shifted to, "As soon as I finish this class/assignment I'm going to go home and get hammered. I've earned it after all." Before I continue, it's important for me to note the true reason for why I drink.
I have social anxiety disorder, but not in the usual way. I'm actually and extremely personable and friendly guy, often very outspoken and opinionated. I've always had a lot of friends and can say without boasting that I am pretty popular. At least I was, until alcohol started speaking for me. I would self-medicate with alcohol in order to calm my nerves throughout the day, for my ADD medication makes me quite antsy and jumpy. Soon it would be to gain self-confidence around female interests, and for better performance later on (if you know what I mean). After awhile, I stopped realizing what my limits were. Every night, they seemed to change. One night, I'd pound shot after shot and not feel a thing, but yet some nights I feel like I'd have only a few and blackout. This was growing into quite the problem with my roommates and they demanded a change. They started to put up with it and just expect me to blackout every night, they'd even plan on getting me a ride after going out because they knew I wouldn't be able to make the walk back.
I felt terrible, but there was this thing growing inside of me, nagging me at every waking moment, trying to convince me to relax and find a drink. It manifested into a literal voice, and some might call it the voice of temptation. Junior year ends, I've developed this terrible habit, and I return home from school for a promising summer internship at a reputable firm in town. At first, I don't drink at all when I get back, as I am trying to get back in shape for the next school year and pool season. Then, I grow bored during work, and start to bring in water bottles of vodka to sip throughout the day. It helped with my nerves about work, for I was very self-conscious that I wasn't doing a good enough job. In hindsight, as an intern you should not be expected to be an expert on day one, but my self-consciousness is the prime reason for my alcoholism. By the end of the day, I'd be plastered but not enough to lose control. No one noticed, so I continued. This kept going throughout the summer until one day, my parents smelled it on my breath. They asked what was going on and I covered it up by saying I had recently used mouthwash. Once they caught me again, the first of many long talks into the night began.
Soon, it became apparent that I had a problem. I'd quit for about a week and then start up again whenever friends were involved. They didn't know about this problem, so they had no reason to deny me a drink. I wouldn't blackout or get hammered EVERY time, but enough times that I began to alienate many of my friends from home. They would be scared to invite me over, for fear I'd cause a scene or drink all of their alcohol. I became very lonely as a result and plunged further into the depths of alcoholism. I'd buy a bottle of vodka or gin on the way home from work and drink it to go to sleep. I then became unable to sleep without drinking, so my problems became compounded exponentially. I always felt like I had a handle on it though, and that I could quit whenever I really wanted to without much fuss. Boy was I wrong.
There's a quote from the West Wing I'd like to share, and it's stated by John Spencer's character Chief of Staff Leo McGerry. He is a recovering alcoholic relating one of his stories to a senior White House staffer. When asked if he ever wanted to drink again, he replied very frankly, "I'm just an alcoholic. The problem isn't that I want one drink. It's that I want ten. I don't understand how a normal person's mind works, it doesn't make sense to me." As soon I heard him say that, I knew that that's exactly how I felt. I didn't see a point in drinking unless it was to get drunk. I didn't want to drink like a gentleman, I wanted to drink like a drunkard.
This year, senior year, I got a breathalyzer installed in my car to curtail my drinking when, if anything, it only made it worse. Instead of driving to class, I'd have a few drinks in the morning and not be able to operate the car. Oops, I guess class isn't happening today, oh well. Now, my grades have reflected the very serious decline alcoholism is putting on my life. I'm not sure if I'll ever get better, but I'm going to try. Hopefully AA is the answer, I'm a bit of an agnostic though, so I've always had my reservations. To me, rehab is absolutely NOT an option. If I don't graduate in the spring, I will not be hired through the company that I interned at this summer, and this economy, it's not feasible to take off a month or however long a program would be in order to get better. I have to do it through other ways, and hopefully through a support group, I will be able to achieve my goals.
One day, I hope to be able to drink beer and enjoy life like I used to, because in all honesty, I don't think I want to live in a world without alcohol entirely. I'm not sure that's something I'll ever want, it just doesn't seem right. What do you all think? Is it possible to control yourself at any point, especially if you've been sober for a long period of time? I never have problems when only beer is in the equation, just liquor. Is it possible I'm just addicted to liquor? Is there such a thing? Thanks for reading if you bothered, and I look forward to some great discussion.
Please do yourself a favor and read some of the back entries here regarding 'drinking like a normal person' ... get a copy of AA's Big Book and read it ... go to some meetings and just sit and listen ... then come back and let us know what you think ...
YES, this is a 'dare', 'challenge', or whatever ... going to some meetings will give you a peek into the future ahead of you depending on your choices today ...
With Love and Hope,
Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Wednesday 14th of November 2012 07:34:37 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Chad, welcome to MIP - excellent story - very descriptive. I keep wondering if people can see inside my life somehow and then write it out word for word.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, you are not alone. I can not believe the similarities in your story compared to mine at your age. I did try and stop here and there for the next 11-12 years beyond the point you're at. I was able to here and there for a year or two at a time, depending on how bad things got, and how scared I was, but fear alone could never ever keep me away, and while I was away, all the anxieties and things were just awful.
Now I can live free of those burdens through work in AA and the steps. I wasn't really sure if I would ever experience a spiritual awakening like I kept hearing about... because I didn't believe in God either. The thing is - you don't have to believe in anything in AA. I didn't want to be a train wreck anymore... so I just kept an open mind... and kept going back.
As it turns out, I don't need alcohol to have fun. I don't need it for any reason anymore. I am not in handcuffs and unable to buy alcohol, I just don't want to! As it turns out - that alcohol WAS my handcuffs. Keep coming back! Tasha
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Welcome Chad. It's going to take some meetings and an open mind but you are off to a good start in sobriety. Try not to think about your whole life without alcohol. All that matters is that you stay sober today. You can made decisions about drinking later. Right now, it's clear you need to be sober.
Personally, I am not fazed in the least at the thought of going the rest of my life without drinking. Drinking screwed up my life, my work, my body, my spirit, and my mind. I don't want to ever go down that road for something so trivial as to be able to have a beer or two. I gladly give that up. GLADLY. Drinking is just not that important.
Now when I was your age, my whole life revolved around when I could get drunk next. I somehow managed to get a college degree and a graduate degree too but it came around to fully bite me in the ass in my mid 30s. By then, alcohol had reduced my emotional and social functioning to basically that of a whiny, entitled, and selfish teenager.
Before entering into sobriety, I also had all kinds of "reasons" for drinking. It helped me forget things. It helped my anxiety. It helped me relax.... I can tell you now that it undoubtedly did not help me with anything. That is the lie of alcohol. If you are sober long enough, you will see that your alcoholism is CREATING these problems and then you become addicted and chained to alcohol as a method to relieve the problems that alcohol creates.
It was brave of you to get to this point and you seem wise in many ways. Much more in tune to your alcoholism than I was at your age. That seems like a curse to know you are an alcoholic at the age of 21, but it's also a blessing. My 20s and half my 30s are a big blur of dysfunction and chaos. I would want better for you.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey chad:) I related to much of your story.. I was in a very similar place at your age. Unlike you, however, I had no inclinations to think I could even possibly have a problem. In that regard, I can very much relate to pink chip. I agree with pink chip in that you should not think too far ahead about this- going to a meeting is a wise move.. Take it from there and keep us posted!! Welcome
Hi Chad, my story is similar to yours, except I never made it through college the first time. It was quite difficult to pass classes when I never went to them, or was blacked out. After reading your last paragraph, I urge you to go to some AA meetings. You haven't even started to address your alcoholism and are already hoping to be able to "drink like a normal person" some day. I can tell you from hanging out in the halls for quite a few years that I've never, ever seen this work out for anyone. Good luck, and PLEASE get to some meetings, and get a sponsor!
