My husband went to his second Alanon meeting. He did nothing but complain about how it wasn't all about him, how the topic wasn't useful for him, how people didn't make him feel welcome, how the topic of service was totally useless to anyone and people had stupid things to say, how he doesn't fit in, how he just passed, how the meeting was all woman... hmmm I can't think of what else, but there was about 10 minutes straight of blather like this.
I smiled and listened intently to every single word as if my life depended on it.... because it did.
He sounded EXACTLY like me, after my second meeting - and for a good little while : ) I wanted to run to the computer and show him that I was a whiney baby too... looking for all the differences instead of the similarities, and telling myself surely there was nothing all that wrong with ME - it was all about THEM.
So, we are similiar after all. This might be the very first time I've ever felt like we had something so exactly in common ; ) LOL
I kept quiet... I listened.... and nodded when appropriate... I heard him out... and as he went on and on and on and on... my smile must have gotten gradually bigger even though I was trying desperatly to hold it back. Oh... it's on my face right now too... and I didn't even realize it lol.
So he finally said - "I see the wheels turning... help me out here".
Music started playing, fireworks burst in the air, my whole body shivered..... HE WANTS HELP. FROM ME????? But, as God as my witness and love... I simply said "I felt like something like that too in the beginning". Sigh
"Like what?" He said.
"Oh, I wanted everyone to pounce me with loving wings, wrapping them around me, hold my hand gently, tell me everything I needed to know, throw themselves at me with kindness, offer to give me all the secrets and drop the perfect sponsor and perfect people in my lap, so I wouldn't have to do anything for myself. So I wouldn't have to change anything about me at all. So I wouldn't have to step out of my comfort zone and introduce myself and practive living in a social world, so I wouldn't have to find a sponsor myself, and know deep in my heart I wanted help, so I wouldn't have to sift through all the imperfect people, and figure what made ME feel real, and discover and uncover the possibilites on my own.... seeing that all these imperfect people were actually just like me... and accept that.
"Wait stop" he said... I don't want any of that..."
"Oh", I said. "So you were looking for the similarities and not the differences? You weren't judging everything everyone said, trying to take their inventory, focusing on them instead of yourself... like I did in the beginning, and probably for 2 months? Great!"
"Well no... there were four guys, and one talked about how service kept him involved... oh I guess I do need to try and get over how awkward I feel, how shy I feel, maybe that could help. And I guess a few guys did come up to me after the meeting. But I couldn't share because I didn't know anything about service. One guy said that he's so shy, that sharing for him is his service."
I heard some audible clicks. Really I did. He IS a very brilliant man.
We continued to "come down" and get real, and I got to share the three C's with my husband in the end... and he decided to get a meeting schedule and go a few more times this week. Then we went to bed and held hands. I don't think we've ever done that before.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 13th of November 2012 08:58:36 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
This sounds like a real 'growth' moment for you both, I'm so glad to hear this ... one of my biggest problems was that after being in AA a while, I felt the need to push my wife to the rooms of Al-Anon to fix her ... cause I wanted her to have what I had ... We have to be careful here, cause usually the spouse doesn't consider themselves broken and need of fixing ...
Sharing in Al-Anon is much like AA, a person can find that there are indeed others going through the same dilemmas in life that we are ... but I think for Al-Anon to be successful for the non-alcoholic, one must perceive there is a problem first, before they can accept help ... my wife felt the problem was me, not her ... but she didn't realize that my disease had affected the whole family and made the whole family sick ...
Fortunately, she picked up the ball so to speak where family matters were concerned ... I conceded to her the direction our family took, during early recovery ... I learned to concentrate on my recovery and thank the Lord she kinda of just followed suit ... We started eat- ing dinner together after years of not doing so ... and 'prayer' before meals returned by my initiative because of the program ... as trust grew in my recovery, she allowed her trust in my judgement to grow as well ...
I'm just saying it's wonderful if our spouses can find the 'peace and serenity' in their lives that we have come to know ... but try not force the issue too hard, let them decide if Al-Anon is for them or not ... I know I would give anything for my wife to experience the spiritual awakening that I did ... but I also realize she's closer than she ever been by watching my recovery and finding that there is something I have come to possess that she would like to have ... mostly that is 'freedom from worry' ... (she went to Al-Anon a few times, but like most of us, thinks she is okay own her own ... maybe someday she'll go back and find what it is she's missing ... it's up to her ...)
Great Post, Love you and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Well, he confided that he thought he was going there to bring up specific problems he had - and then everyone would go around telling him how to fix that. That it was just like therapy, and somewhere along the line, he saw the selfishness in that. Trust me - he is there because he wants help for himself now. He knows he has resentments and doesn't know how not to, and see's me all calm and happy and wants to figure out how to do that too. We talked about the steps and everything, but like you said, there is a fine line here, because I can't be his sponsor. I can't push him into it. I can't tell him what to do, and I can't argue with him.
What I wrote above, represents the "in his face" part of the conversation, but if he wouldn't have asked, I wouldn't have said a word. He HAS been feeling left out. He's very much in the "what about me?" phase... and I just keep reminding him in that way... "but what about you love... I get all this... what about you? Take some time for you... alanon or not... focus on you, and when you're ready to work out your feelings and resentments, you'll know where to go. Just like when you want to forget about them in the shop with your friends staring at a tractor... you know where to go." So far he's picked the tractor, and that's his choice. Have a been keeping the thought about alanon open? Yes. I do ask him if he'd like me to arrange a babysitter certain days when I know there are both meetings going on at the club, and we could ride together. But so far he says no, and I say okay... you should pick a night to do something for yourself... and he doesn't... and I can't make him. Yesterday, he happened to say yes... I said okay, and that was it. We said, see ya later and hung up the phone. I can't manipulate him with being overly joyous and excitable when he says yes either I figure.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
That sounds great ... it certainly points toward a healthy relationship ... I believe you're doing just the right things the way you're handling this ... continue to encourage his participation without pushing him over the edge ... I'm thrilled that he is seeking an active role in your recovery, if he continues, he'll become a better man for it ... there is nothing worse than a 'lack of understanding' on his part or yours ... I personally think y'all are doing great and pray for your continued growth ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Sounds great Tasha! I'm happy for you. Hopefully you'll both grow in the same direction. I made the mistake and pushed my X right out of Alanon. As Pappy stated; there's a delicate balance between sharing experience, strength and hope and telling someone what they should do. Lesson learned.
"I can't manipulate him with being overly joyous and excitable when he says yes either I figure."
For sure on the above!
I'm so happy for you. We just always need to keep expectations in check regarding others. If you where not a good power of example, he wouldn't be attracted to working on himself.
In that respect, working on change in ourselves is the most powerful thing we can do to help others.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone we will see......
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I had the exact same smile on my face. Toothy grin&all. I'm so excited for you guys. This post made me so giddly. :) luck and fellowship to you both. ((((hugs))))
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
My qualifiers didn't want me to go to Al-Anon, but I finally got there on my own. How lovely that you are so supportive of his involvement. I went to a couple meetings, hated them and felt so out of place. I was so arrogant and thought that I had something I could teach them. Hah! When I was really ready to stop living in so much pain I went and threw myself in wholeheartedly. It took a lot of years to get there and then another 5 months to get to AA. I learned to be grateful for the alcoholic. If not for him, I wouldn't have entered the rooms of Al-Anon, and certainly not AA. I am so happy your husband has started to attend. He will come to love us in a very special way, the same way we already love him. Love, Chaya
I'm happy for you Tasha. You're working things out I see, that's great news. More will be revealed as they say. So keep that momentum going for now, it can only get better from here.
Lesson learned. 