My daughter did something so amazing this morning, that I literally jumped up and down clapping like a little kid with excitement for her.
The house shook a little, things rattled, and I suddenly remember I am a big person ; ) Still... these days, I'm so much more involved in my life, and I can actually feel this excited and happy for the goodness in these little souls! It's such a gift.
My daughter scowled at me. "Mama, why are you jumping like that!!!!!!!???" She was mad for some reason, and it didn't hit me why at first. She told me I was acting like a kid, and I shouldn't when I'm a Mama. So essentially - only kids are happy - that's what she's seen in her life.
2 out of the 3 yrs of her life, she saw me mostly miserable, rarely involved with a smile, only making the house rattle due to furry, and she was right - any Mama she knew, didn't act like I just had.
After she stomped off, I was left to stand there and wonder.
I know (through some old college psych class possibly), that as we change, the people around us, who are not used to the new behaviors, can begin to feel uncomfortable, even to the point of pressuring us, possibly pushing and testing certain buttons, to get us to behave the old way - even if that old way was negative - because letting go of the stability is harder than changing and adapting to the new positive behavior.
I glanced through my interactions, and realized this was happening with my husband and I too. Somehow, the program message, and this random knowledge reinforced in me, that I keep on with the positive, and let them adjust, and love them through their adjustment to the new more positive me. That they will likely do even more to try and "set me off" or maybe just be checking to see if I will still be this new positive person even if they do xy&z.
My 6 yr old son seems to be doing this: And what about this really bad thing? Will she still stay positive and calm even when I do this? And what about this even worse thing?
I know that it takes time to let them trust the new me. I am seeing that things are getting better. They are testing less. They are trusting it more. They are "coming down" and healing, and things are certainly getting calmer around here. We are still on top of this hill, but it seems that we are on the other side now. That's nice.
Sometimes, I did just want to give in to the old me, the old behaviors, and didn't. Sometimes I did. It's less and less.
The program and the God of my understanding gave me the will to percevere, even though I wasn't sure the outcome would be what I was hoping for, or projecting it would be. I knew it was still the best for me either way so I couldn't lose - and today I wont give up. I have a big big thank you card waiting for my HP to open when we speak later about this.
I think, just for today, I'll keep on listening quietly.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Ha!, ... LOL Tasha ... Your 3 yr old isn't the only one growing up here ... she isn't the only one that's not too sure of this new change around the house either ... I am grateful to you for allowing us to grow with you through your eyes ... I can't tell you how good it makes us feel to live the stories you share with us from day to day ...
Your observations are so descriptive, that it's a great source of info for those who still struggle ... and though your little girl is perhaps trying to figure out just what has changed around there, she's also going to start seeing how Mommy's shoes look on her in the mirror if she hasn't already ... when you're not looking, she will find time to 'play act' being you ... My heart sings for joy that you are providing her with a great model to follow ... one day, you may want to talk to her about your struggles with adulthood and let her know what the change in you was all about, if she remembers ... even so, when she reaches those early teenage years, you'll be much better prepared to deal with it than the average Mom ...
I really didn't start growing up til I got to AA ... I'm so happy you didn't wait as long as I did to join this way of life ... you are truly a miracle in action ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I was at a meeting today and shared that AA has brought me full circle and I feel like I do get to be a kid again. I am eager to learn, to jump up and down, twirl in circles, laugh uncontrollably. I was a very serious child in many ways and I feel like now I get a chance to be young again, after all, in program years I am only just over a year old. I'm just hoping the terrible twos aren't going to be too very awful. ;)
I adore your shares here, lovely one. You have such great insight on what this program can really be all about. *hugs*
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
You're so right dear, it does take time. We've watched you transform into a loving sober mother over the last 6 months and so will they. All it will take, like I said earlier, is time -something we have plenty of. So Keep that momentum going for now, you're bound for a breakthrough.
Tasha, I really appreciate your shares so much. I can relate and they get me thinking. My 7 year old is so interested in my alanon meetings (she doesn't know about the recent AA addition). She has come with me to two of my meetings and even held hands and did the serenity prayer. She asks how my meetings are when i come home and wants to know what I write about for my women's lit meeting. It's really sweet. She asked me last week when I'm going to lead a meeting. She says the serenity prayer now and uses our G-d box. She has been really open to integrating all these new 12 step principles into our life. It's so neat. I think she has embraced it so much because she sees the peace it brings me (when i work it). I feel so guilty for having not been more present. I have really worked hard on self-care the last few days so I can be a better mom. Even though it's been an upsetting week so far with work, I am letting it go and keeping it together at home. I beat myself up for making mistakes with her but today I am able to see that I have a lot of good qualities as a mom. She hasn't tried to disrupt the changes to bring about homeostasis. I am so grateful she is embracing them. During times when my brother would get clean I remember pushing his buttons to reset the chaos. I didn't realize it until I was older and looking back. It's so weird how the family system tries to revert to the status quo no matter how dysfunctional it was. When one person changes in the system, we all must change. My daughter's willingness and acceptance are more for me to be grateful for today.
Tasha, you're learning at an exponential rate. It's mind boggling. Add to that, what an incredible writer you are. You've got a good start on a book here if you print all of your posts.
So essentially - only kids are happy - that's what she's seen in her life.