Jumping up and down screaming "don't drink, don't drink!" to my group, and worrying about how I sound, more than what's really going on inside me... focusing so very much on the message, and if it's being delivered "right" as I am saying to them "who you are is good enough - where you are is where you are suppose to be".
So - now I'm just back to the drawing board, as this path has led me into believing I've got it SO figured out that now I'm exempt from the rules - I'm cured.
It's so hard to walk the path sometimes, when you encounter the part that seems to be quick sand and don't even know you're sinking until you can taste it.
Fresh start - back to basics: Meetings; Honesty; Authenticity; Love
Minus the expectations & fear. Time to stop dishing it out, and talk about what's on my plate again.
Thanks for listening : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tasha, I often discuss in meetings how during my first year I felt like I had all the answers and then would be all deflated and feel like I didn't know crap. That was such a regular occurence. It evened out. I guess I still have those experiences but I accept myself in an overall way such that it doesn't seem as disturbing to me now. If I have a moment where I feel weak and clueless, I ride it out. When I feel like I know it all, I know where to go, what to do, and how to humble myself (typically lol).
In any case, you mentioned telling folks "You are right where you are supposed to be"....Well, that's what I'm saying to you. You are right where you are supposed to be.
Just cuz you feel deflated at times doesn't mean your previous work was invalid. It just means you had part of the solutions for you and not all of them. You will never have all of them. The fact that you try to say things that will help others and phrase them in a good way...That's not necessarily a bad thing. Sounds like concern for your fellows to me. I bet you didn't do too much of that when you were clutching a bottle and hiding at home.
In sum, I have moments where I feel like an idiot that is totally unprepared to deal with life. I guess that's normal. I breathe deep, pray, talk to friends/sponsor and move forward.
Also, when I have nightmares about the program/drinking....they are not usually that I am actually drinking but some nightmare that I have already drunk and am a huge fraud. I wake up and feel like crap and that my entire message and what I feel passionate about was a farce. Then I realize I didn't drink and the message is still the same. Complicated musings from a twisted alcoholic mind lol. Good thing there is room for more than one of us walking the tightrope between brilliance and insanity. LOL.
Easy does it.
P.S. - I'm only hearing self-doubt and fear in your post...not where the actual thoughts about drinking were. I guess they accompanied those other thoughts? That goes back to step 1 though cuz you gotta know that whatever uncomfortable feelings you have, drinking is the last thing that's going to help. Even if you think all you have learned is BS or that you none of it is really working, that DOES NOT mean alcohol does work. It will never work to do anything but set you back. Step 1 - it has to be done perfectly.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
We are on the same page, past few days have been rough, and a drink seems so easy, but sit back breathe relax and review the BIG picture is what is getting me through. A drink is not the answer. Thanks for always being there for us, were here for you.
You have a very accurate description of the period of time I went through in early recovery ... I was nearing the one year mark and came down with this sensation that I did, in fact, get it ... everything seemed to be in order in my life and in my recovery program, but I forgot that alcohol is just like they say in the book, cunning, baffling, and powerful ...
One day I'm on 'top of things', and the next, I start questioning my true desires ... you know?, like is this really who I want to be, stuff like that ... When I shared at meetings, I used to question myself about my words and whether I was trying to sound like I had ten years when I only had one ... I would sometimes think, did I take this 'fake it til you make it' thingy too far ??? ... did I build my sobriety on a poor foundation ? ... and like ZZ said, I was starting to think What About Me ...
I like what PC shared ... you just ride it out ... cause NOW i know, more will be revealed ... for me, those were the times I learned the most about 'humility and patience' ... and both have served me well outside the rooms of AA as well ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks for sharing, making our decision and turn our will and our lives over to the CARE of our Higher Power is our early defense in our thinking,,WE Don't use,no matter what,always wind the tape back to the beginning,seek our support groups and maybe think....Am I missing the taste of alcohol OR do I need to go back inside and see what my reasons for wanting to drink are?This is an inside job WE work on, the exact nature " of whats going on with us.. Yes for the last 3 decades of my recovery there have been periods where the fleeting thought came that "maybe I am cured?"(very fleeting) WRONG!,its still Just For Today as I maintain my fit spiritual conditon,thru my trust in my Higher Power and never taking that first one,a death sentence for me.You are so correct,whats really going on?Thats where our daily work teaches us to look.This too shall pass a we say,thanks for the help today and have a blessed and productive day!!BACK TO BASICS!!
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Oh wow - thanks everyone : ) I'm always overwhelmed with gratitude that so many are so willing to help any time I need it.
I appreciate the words of wisdom here.
To elaborate - I didn't have a craving or a real desire to drink. This was more of the obsession coming back. I figured... that hey - now I've got this allllllllllll figured out - so I am exempt from the rules! LOL
I can just continue telling everyone how to lead a spiritual life, go on with their sobriety, work the program, and be drinking while doing it. That, now that I know everything, I would be different, never go to the extremes I did before - and I'd be somehow a normal drinker now - just still going to AA and being the God of the world who told everyone how to stay sober, while I in fact was still drinking. WOow - now that I'm writing all this out - it is much more clear how insane I am when it comes to alcohol. LOL
So - I see - that even when I'm doing my best, I'm always going to have this thing - this disease, this mental obsession and not to mention physical allergy to alcohol, that would never let me drink like I was obsessing about. Oddly this is the first time I've ever wanted to be a normal drinker - so I don't think I really wanted that - who knows what my messed up head wanted - insanity doesn't make sense I guess : )
I'm so grateful for my "little crazy problem" because I get to be a part of this, and this is awesome.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."
You may want to give this some thought Tasha ... ... ... One of my sponsees had 13 years sober ... after about ten years of AA, he backed off and slowly lost contact with his sponsor ... he was reaching the apex of his career and while traveling on business, thought it'd be harmless to have a couple of 'after dinner' drinks with business clients ... within 2 weeks, he was out of control and somehow found his way back to AA(now that he'd relocated, he had to get new sponsor and find new meeting places) ...
He now has, three years later, taken an active role in a different group than I go to ... he now has two adopted girls from Thailand, I think ... beautiful family, he's still sober and doing great ...
Just sayin' SteveP is absolutely correct ... I have experienced this dilemma personally too ... this disease will try 'every trick in the book' to hook you back up to it's chains ... I will never be able to sit back someday and drink like a normal person ... and I HAVE obsessed about it ...
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his liquor drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."
Great insight Tasha! :)
Steve
made me think of: losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth (Karl Ludwig borne)
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
Tasha, there is a tendency to "get well too quickly". I've seen a bunch of "Mr." or "Mrs." AA come in get sober and leave. Sometimes we get so wrapped up with "the program" and meetings ect, which is good, but at some point say to ourselves "Is this all there is"? The answer is, of course, no. It just takes time to build our sober identity and to get really comfortable in it/ with it. How long does this take? Everyone is a little different, but for me, it was between 3 and 5 years, till the sober me solidified. There were some ups and downs during that time, but I wouldn't trade any of it. Bottom line is that our bodies can no longer tolerate alcohol and so we just don't drink, period. Time passes quickly and it's keeps getting better. We do get used to that and for sure don't want to miss the continuing promises that keep coming through continued sobriety.
It just takes time to build our sober identity and to get really comfortable in it/ with it. How long does this take? Everyone is a little different, but for me, it was between 3 and 5 years, till the sober me solidified. There were some ups and downs during that time, but I wouldn't trade any of it.
While reading all the posts, I was thinking along the same lines as Dean above. Looking back it was about 3 years or so until I was fulling into my new sober identity.
We are not responible for what pops into our heads (thank God), only our reactions and actions to the thoughts. Our thoughts seem to improve through work and time. Some days the best I might have is not drinking.
Ebb and flow in recovery and spirituality is a fact of life for most of us. Your actions are correct, get back to the basics...
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Oh wow - thanks everyone : ) I'm always overwhelmed with gratitude that so many are so willing to help any time I need it.
I appreciate the words of wisdom here.
To elaborate - I didn't have a craving or a real desire to drink. This was more of the obsession coming back. I figured... that hey - now I've got this allllllllllll figured out - so I am exempt from the rules! LOL
I can just continue telling everyone how to lead a spiritual life, go on with their sobriety, work the program, and be drinking while doing it. That, now that I know everything, I would be different, never go to the extremes I did before - and I'd be somehow a normal drinker now - just still going to AA and being the God of the world who told everyone how to stay sober, while I in fact was still drinking. WOow - now that I'm writing all this out - it is much more clear how insane I am when it comes to alcohol. LOL
So - I see - that even when I'm doing my best, I'm always going to have this thing - this disease, this mental obsession and not to mention physical allergy to alcohol, that would never let me drink like I was obsessing about. Oddly this is the first time I've ever wanted to be a normal drinker - so I don't think I really wanted that - who knows what my messed up head wanted - insanity doesn't make sense I guess : )
I'm so grateful for my "little crazy problem" because I get to be a part of this, and this is awesome.
Something I heard in the rooms that may come in handy at a time like this. Repeat the steps to yourself but take out the 'we' and replace it with 'I' or add the 'I' where there isn't one.
I admitted I was powerless over alcohol...
I came to believe...
I made a decision...
Personalise it a bit and remember just who it is that is alcoholic, and just who it is you can't trust when it comes to those thoughts. Maybe it just helps to re-afirm the steps by changing it around and rather than going by rote.
I haven't tried it at a testing time - and hope I don't need to - but it struck me as good advice when I heard it, so maybe it'll help.
I noticed today a real calm wash over me. A real solid footing. Another lesson not behind me, but within me. The warmth and love of the sunrise spilling up to the infinite. It's a new day - I'm so grateful for it, and all of you who are my sunrise in the morning.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Great post and responses. I can relate. This diesase is cunning, baffling and powerful regardless of the number of years one been sobriety(IMO). I have to remind myself each day that I'm an Alcoholic and without help, life is too much for me. Also, that I have a DAILY reprieve from Alcoholism based on the maintenance of my Spiritual condition. Any success I'm having today is the success of my HP(God) and AA. Today is a gift, not an entitlement.
My latest sponsor had to learn a lesson or two about patience and tolerance after adopting me as his sponsee. I guess my reputation preceded me wherever I went. And that was just for starters.
I mean, how much trouble can one person cause anyway? Well, if that person was me, than you have a lot to worry about. The words "be afraid, be very afraid" comes to mind. It didn't take long before my sponsor wised up, and that's when I had to make some tough decisions, for myself. It's how it all came together for me; on a wing and a prayer.
I had to fight those feelings of futility with something more powerful than a set of broken promises. I had to put an end to this silly notion that alcoholics were always doomed to fail. After I did that, sobriety got a lot easier. It's better to make a fresh start anyway, like you already said, that way we never leave any doubts behind.
Those thoughts, that plagued my diseased mind from day one, were finally put to rest once the possibility of a sober life started to take hold. It became my 'spiritual awakening' 20 years in the making. Do those thoughts re-appear from time to time? But of course they do. It's the part of sobriety that never quite disappears even after all these years. But it's manageable today and that's what matters most of all. They remain thoughts today nothing more, instead of acting upon them like I once did. It's how I 'remain' committed even under extreme duress, something we're familiar with. Like you already said dear: "As long as we focus on the message everything else will be just fine". Amen sister, that's a solution I can agree with. So let's do just that Tasha; remain in the solution. Onward.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 10th of November 2012 11:33:33 PM
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