So good to hear from you. Thank God it is fear and not sadness. Keep doing what your doing, get into faith, your Higher Power and the 3d step. Keep working to get out of self.
Here is a quote from one of my favorite books:
Pg 68
We reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us?
All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead we let Him demonstrate, through us, what He can do. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
-- Edited by Rob84 on Tuesday 6th of November 2012 01:14:21 AM
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Here's a quote by Frank Herbert on that very subject:
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
How true...
Remember Chaya, there's always tomorrow.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Tuesday 6th of November 2012 04:19:42 AM
I used to believe that I was a very sad person. I don't think so anymore...I think I'm a very scared person. I have found myself caught up in the fear several times today. It just about paralyzes me. I realize that I shake when I cry because it's not sad crying but straight up crying out of fear. I heard something so great in a meeting yesterday. It was about how we come to meetings with our fear and it gets replaced with love. I totally feel it when I'm there and then when I leave...BAM! It returns!
Chaya
That's perfectly normal early in recovery ... rather than fear for me, it was high anxiety ... or perhaps fear I couldn't stay sober ... whatever it is, you are exactly correct, it's paralyzing ... Not only did I feel loved in the meetings, I felt safe ... when I left the meetings I felt vulnerable, weak ...
That starts to improve pretty rapidly once you have a few weeks under your belt ... just don't drink and keep going to meetings ... It DOES get better, I promise ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hey Chaya good to see you and good to see you sharing your feelingsThas how we get help. WE talk about FEAR as FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL......in other words we may react to fear before it occurs because of assumptions.We may create fear due to our inability to confront it.We can get thru it if we have courage,and WE do get that courage as we work our process of recovery ,guided by a Higher Power and a support group.My early recovery was smoothered in fear of change,What will I do,all the guys in the band are addicted,I dont know any other way,You mean I cant party anymore,will I be able to do this,Life will be so boring,maybe I can use just a little bit,and on and on.My recovery truly took wings when I got into the Solution aapllied the spiritual principles in all areas of my life,had/have a very close support group,sponsor,etc and truly Keep my Higher Powe on top of all things. Remember we didnt become like this overnite and it will be a process of change and daily work in application of the principles that will help us cross the barriers,whether its fear,low self esteem,taking off the masks,getting honest etc..Stay focused and close to your support ,dont use for any reason and it will get better and thats based on the evidence..Keep doing the work and sharing as if your life depends on it,because in most case it does......Peace and blessings...
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Aye. I have a member in my home group that talks about the 'phantom fears' that used to cripple him. The further along in recovery I get the more I see he's telling my story too. I'm not completely free of them but I'm aware of them now and can take the power away from them quite easily once I see them for what they are.
As mentioned in a couple of posts: faith seems to be the key. When I doubt my faith then I also begin to doubt myself, and that's when the phantom fears take over.
Thank you for your honesty and share Chaya! Yes, I can relate. Fear dominated my life prior to working The Program of AA. What I found out after working with a Sponsor and the 12 Steps was my fear was unfounded & ungrounded. Which means, it was all in my head! Most of my fears were fear of the unknown. Which the unknown hasn't happened yet. But looking back I see a God of my understanding had my back the whole time. Today, I've learned and practiced that Fear is the absence of Faith. When I'm afraid today, I need to ask myself what am I trying to control and why am I playing God. Then turn it back over to the one who has all power to the best of my ability.
Chaya, I didn't change overnight and for a good while, I felt that the only really safe place was in a meeting. It's okay. The fact that you do feel that way in meetings suggests to me that this is working for you. It will grow from there. Coming to believe is a PROCESS it's not an event. Your journey will keep unfolding. I know I wanted to be further along than I was for a good long time (and I still do at times) but none of your growth happens exactly how and when you expect. It will happen though if you stick with the program.
In meetings I knew I was surrounded by caring folks, that drinking was not going to happen, and that everyone there had been through whatever scary thing I was dealing with. Outside of meetings, I had to deal with life and all the things that used to trigger me to drink. I was scared of failure, scared of being alone, scared of going crazy. Yes, my fears were overwhelming and crippling. They slowly dissipated as I made progress inside the rooms, with my sponsor and the steps, and with taking positive risks and making life changes outside the rooms.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
((((Chaya))))...all day...meditate on this..."we come to meetings with our fear and it gets replaced with love." This is probably for me the greatest lesson in recovery. I have known fear better than anything else in my life before recovery and now...I know love. They are polar opposite emotions you cannot feel fear at the same time as love and the opposite is also true of course. Now its choice time for you. Keep up the great work and keep coming back. I need to be reminded Mahalo.
I get scared. I'm scared that I am too damaged and have too much baggage to be loved by someone healthy. What I know is that I need to get myself healthy before I think about a relationship. I have so much work to do. Ok. Fear. What if I do all this work and I'm still alone and unhappy?
Cos I'm a little bit tired of fearing that I'll be the bad fruit nobody buys
- Missy Higgens.
- Scar
Been there, done that, bought the T Shirt. My drinking killed what was once a great marriage, and I figured that if someone that has sworn to love you for better or worse throws up their hands and says 'Enough! You're just not lovable' then what hope did I have of convincing anyone else. Lying or putting on faces was out, so that was just going to leave little old unlovable me naked for all to see. Yuck, huh?
Well I don't see things that way anymore. I'm perfectly happy being me and perfectly happy to let the world see that me, warts and all. I have a semi - serious, semi - casual relationship going with a nice girl. We see each other when we can - sometimes in a big clump and sometimes not for weeks - and whatever happens with that I'm cool with. If it's meant to be then it will be, and if not I'll turn the page and see what else life has waiting. It doesn't matter because I'm not ever alone. I've got me. After years of feeling alone and vulnerable in any situation, I feel complete and fulfilled no matter where I am.
Longwinded way of saying that these things that worry you right now just won't concern you as your recovery grows. You'll learn to first like and then to love yourself - not in an ego driven way, but in a caring and accepting way - and the obsession to be validated by someone else will disappear. And happy, content people attract other happy and content people, so I'm sure that should you ever need the company of another likeminded soul, they'll find you.
-- Edited by Frodo on Wednesday 7th of November 2012 02:08:36 AM
Thank you everyone for your feedback and support. I stayed out of those scary places in my mind today. When I felt myself going there I redirected my thoughts. It's getting later though, and that is when it gets harder. Right now my fear is about losing my job. It's a realistic fear. I am doing something about it by applying for other jobs. My other fear tends to be more neurotic. In so scared of being alone. I shouldn't even be worried about bringing another person into this right now. The person I need to focus on is me. I know all that, but I get scared. I'm scared that I am too damaged and have too much baggage to be loved by someone healthy. What I know is that I need to get myself healthy before I think about a relationship. I have so much work to do. Ok. Fear. What if I do all this work and I'm still alone and unhappy? Bleh. I hate even letting this balogna come out of my mouth. I sound like a big whiney baby. I've got the big book right next to me. Im going to pick it up.
I've had those exact same fears, many more... and I don't have them anymore. Acknowledging them like you are is the only way to know where the work lies.
Best wishes, Tasha
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
The hard part is 'starting' ... once we get started, it keeps getting easier ... I know it looks like a mountain lode right now, but it really isn't ... just like the 'day at a time' we use, we also find it extremely important to just work 'one step at a time' ... don't EVEN think of the future, that will take care of itself ... just work on what's important right now ... meaning, read the BB and go to meetings ... it IS very simple, but, you have to want it ... and we're here to tell you the rewards for getting and staying sober are endless, and very well worth it ... ask anyone here, is it worth it ? ... I think you know the answer ...
You can do this ... just keep putting one foot in front of the other ... make the next 'right' choice ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
