Tonight was the ending of a life very dear to me. I came here approx. 10 yrs. ago looking for answers. What to do about AH? How to help the compulsion to stop drinking. Through this site and out of the mouths of those who struggle with this disease, I gained understanding, insight, coping skills. All of which helped me survive! They did not stop his drinking nor did they help the marriage survive.
Alcohol still angers me!!!! It just robs so much from so many. Through this site, however, I learned to 'let go'. Learned I could still love this man....... And I did. Prayed every night for his well being. As the years went I continued to live with the knowledge that I could not make his choices for him. The love continued, however. Never once did it die.
When he walked out it devastated me, leaving a tremendous void in my heart. I drifted for quite awhile...emotions up and down. I was trully lost! He was the love of my life. Someone I agreed to grow old with. Someone I'd shared intimacy with. Someone who help to create three of the most highest blessings any mother would be proud of.
Alcohol was his first love. I shared with it from the beginning. It is what drew him to his mistress. (She bought him a tavern!!!! He could drink anytime 24/7!!!) And regardless of what she may say......she did not have his heart. Alcohol did.
After he left.....a heart attack, viens stripped from his veins, acid reflux, hernia, and sky high blood pressure followed. He had told me about 2 yrs ago.....that his kidneys were shot. He still had blockages in his heart. He had gained alot of weight and yet none of this phased him. Beer was replaced by Coke and Jack. the latter replaced by straight whiskey. July at our grandson's birthday party.....he carried a plastic soda bottle with whiskey. Not sure why, but suspect he was trying to decieve people. Grandson, 5, started to uncap it and drink it. It was quickly snatched away.....and with a little embarrassment told this was Grandpa's 'special' drink. My heart sank. I remained silent.
I have been waiting, bracing if you will, for the call I recieved tonight. He was found dead on the floor outside his shower. He had apparently struggled to grab the side and steady himself as one of the walls were found out of joint. (A cheap model.) He died alone!
My children are of course devastated!!! One son especially was very close to his dad and it broke my heart deeply to hear his sobs. The same son who found it in his heart to call me. the same son who at the funeral home, lay across his dad's body begging for him to wake up!!!!! Yet knowing it was not going to happen. the same son who endure a year in Iraq amidst bombings and reporting casualities. My son-in-law.....a pillar of strength. On our local ambulance and he was on call. How does one tell his wife....her father is gone? And the eldest child another son......he had just buried one of his closest friends today! Had not been home all that long when he was called. Understand my children are all still in their 20's!!! Still young to have to bury a parent.
My knees buckled from the call. Few tears would I allow myself to shed at the house. the funeral home was entirely different. Mistress was not around which I found strange, but was glad for the time. This was the man afterall I vowed, 'for better or worse, in sickness and health....' I waited til everyone had exited. I WANTED my time. I could not help but touch and stroke that handsome face. I could not help but kiss him one last kiss. (I don't think I could do it at the wake/funeral.) Then the tears.........they have not stopped.
Dear Lord, For those who read this.........first a foremost touch their hearts and open their eyes!!!!! Give them the courage to turn away from 'this lover'. give them the courage to seek the help!!! Put them on the right path, I pray.
For those who have found the path...Lord, help them to be steadfast and continue.
thanks for all the support. I could not have survived the last 10 years without you all!!! though I don't frequent this site as much as I did I still use what I've learned. You are a God-sent gift!
Dear Wanda, I am sorry for your loss. Thanks for coming here and being part of our recovery. Your husband has passed on to a new start free of the addiction he had in life, and you are free as well. Please realize that the pain will pass and that you still have a lot to live for. Your story and prayer were very moving. Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Wanda, it's been a while. So sorry for you loss. I was on that track for sure and your words do help me stay sober for today. Prayers for you and your children.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank You for sharing your story with us Wanda, ...
I was touched by what you said and it is all too typical of what it is we put our families through ... I too, pray for those who read this to be 'moved' by your story here ... This is the great reality of this disease ... may we all remain vigilant in our conscious contact with God so as to continue our walk in sobriety ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
My condolences Wanda on the loss of your late husband. I can't even imagine how you must feel, with him being so close and all. Maybe in his death others can find new life, especially those who still suffer. I know your story would. You've taught us a lot dear during our time together and that's something I will never forget. R.I.P.
It is 5 am. I have been up for longer. And as it was 10 years ago, I am drawn here to find strength needed to get through this. It is certain, my HP (for me God) has been with me on this journey, calming the rage, accepting the facts that the man I married was no longer the same, accepting the fact that this disease had taken control over all his facultities, accepting the fact that in some of the conversations in the past 10 years, the cruelty spewing from his mouth towards me was not his voice, rather that of the disease (the alcohol), accepting I HAD to 'let go' allow him to make HIS own choices, regardless of the outcomes.....that this was out of my control. Accepting that I had to go on my own journery in this life regardless of how much my heart's desire was to have him with me. Accepting the fact I had denied to myself the true nature of this disease. Accepting the fact I NEEDED every bit as much help as he did!!!!
Akin to a toddler taking his/her first step I understand that the addicted will struggle to do the same to find sobriety. Many attempts to put one foot in front of the other, often falling, before he/she gets to the point of actually walking. It is NO different for those of us closest to the addicted. We are just as baffled, just as confused as to how to help, what we should do/say leaving the very core of our hearts just as masked in a sea of misery and helplessness as the addicted. The truth is we are in denial every bit as much as the addicted!!!! We are in no position, to be giving advice, ranting and raving and shouting to the hills or crying endless hours about our beloved ones with the problem.....when in reality we have yet to master our own steps!!!!!
I learned to walk! Oh my the falls I took.....some so hard that I had no desire at times to try yet another attempt. I am by NOT putting ALNON down, but to me many of the shares seemed to me to be all the things I had tried. None of which seemed to work. I WANTED a fix and I WANTED it yesterday! That led to this site to "spy". I was silent for a long time, reading,absorbing, and feeling very much like an interloper and often secretly wanting to SHOUT saying "What the hell? Why the hey can't you just do it? Put the damned bottle/can down and STOP!!"
Gradually oh so gradually I began to realize I NEEDED to stop denying I HAD a problem too!!! I NEEDED to be working those steps every bit as much as anyone, most especially AH. I stopped trying to control what was out of my control!!!!! I found compassion in my heart for ex. AH just as I have for those struggling with disease such as cancer. I found the true nature of love and forgiveness, both for him and myself.
I mourned and grieved deeply over my losses!! Mourned over my OWN failures in my OWN battle against this disease. Most of all my marriage which was not my choice to end. I cherish the scars left on my heart. They are reminders, awards if you will, that I have taken a step at a time as hard as each came and learned how to walk my own path.
The point of my share was to say first and foremost to those of you who have supported me and encouraged me I AM very grateful!!!!! Grateful for you and for AA. First and foremost, to let you know what I have learned. That being, those of us sober are VERY MUCH like you when it comes to battling this disease. That we the sober struggle and fall! My share was not easy as is this one. I wanted from the depths of my soul to help him find 'life' and grow old with him, yet I know it had to be his choice. He had come home years ago when our youngest was only a year old. He had literature for a program based on AA. He had asked how I felt about it. He knew he was in trouble all those years ago, yet he wasn't really ready and that is as far as it went. I'm grateful for the last time he told me he loved me!!! He had reached out in bed my back to him in the wee hours of the morning. He thought I was asleep. He gently stroked my hair and whispered, "Don't you know how much I love you. It has always been you. It will always be you!" He moved out shortly after and I've often thought of that night. I often wonder if that was his way of saying 'I'm doing this for your own good'. In oh so many ways it was the push I needed to become who I am presently.
Yes I am grieving the loss of the love of my life! I will not deny, that all the preparation, fell by the wayside when I got that call. It has hurt more than anyone will ever know!!! Yet if the honesty of this will help in even the smallest way to help another I am extremely grateful that God has given the strength to share!!! We ARE in this togethor!!!!!!
He will no longer have to fight this battle. He will no longer have to struggle with health issues that I'm sure were the result of the addiction. He is at peace! I will continue as I have since I found AA. ('In sickness and in health.....' with every breathe of my being......I will always love you!!!)
Thank you all for your kind words. You will never know how appreciative I am!
Hi Wanda, ... thanks again for your beautiful post ... a love like yours is indeed rare ... and again, I am sorry for your loss ...
I do pray that there are those out there struggling with this disease that will be helped by your post ... It can certainly take years for us to 'realize' the damage we can do to our families and loved ones ... Life in 'recovery' is grand ... I hope and pray others who are having difficulty making a decision to try this way of life will see a reason to do so after reading your post ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I really appreciate you sharing with us here and I will say a prayer for you and yours...and all those whose lives have been affected by this disease.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
What's past is in the past ... try to be grateful for the good times you and your husband had, there had to be a few ... if anger is your choice for now, be angry at the disease ... anger at family and the 'other woman' will not bring you the relief you seek ... it will only succeed in keeping your anger alive and will do nothing to help you heal ...
If you TRULY know and understand our 12 steps in AA, then you know what you must do ... lack of action on your part will do nothing more than keep you trapped in an emotional prison ... I seriously suggest you work the program in Al-Anon or similar 'support' group ... you have a much better chance of moving past the 'grieving process', which is normal, if you do ...
If you know anything of AA's practices and principles, then you also know that to hold onto resentment is infinitely grave ... and you know that holding onto resentments doesn't do anything to hurt the other person or persons, it's you that are getting burned and going down in flames, not the others ... your choice ...
Okay, now is the time to 'wake-up' and snap out of it ... you have an entirely new life in front of you, YOU are the only one who is holding you back ... we become the change we want to see in life, go on and live it to the fullest or sit and wither away in self-pity and anger ... again, only you can make that decision, like your husband, it was his decision to live the way he did ... you nor I could have made that decision for him ...
We get to enjoy sobriety through 'spiritual progress' ... in fact we also learn how to enjoy life itself through this program ...
What are you waiting for ? ... the Hand of God is out-stretched, but He/She will not force you against your own will ... it must be your choice and yours only ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Thursday 8th of November 2012 02:49:23 PM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
I feel very compelled to share the feelings of the last two days. Things that I cannot express to my kids or anyone else. Things that perhaps only those fighting the disease of alcohol or those of us who have had to cope with loved ones fighting this disease.
Came here Tues. the day of the wake seeking strength to face the impending wake that evening. Feeling so much internal anger at alot of things and people. My children, whom I did give my life for seemed to have been placing the other woman above their own mother. Picture collage put togethor.....that included many of her. (How could they hurt me this?!!!! Knowing that I still loved him!) This was the day before and by Mon. evening when I was given a copy of the obit. and seen they had listed her as a survivor.....I had to leave my daughter's house....because I didn't not want them to see the tears I knew was coming on. I really had hoped they would respect me enough to leave BOTH of our names out of the list. ANGER....at her for handing him that "loaded gun" (buying the tavern where he had access to all the alcohol he could have) and knowing before that transpired she had been told he had a problem! Anger at myself......for being so naive about alcoholism and things that I had done and said that probably exasperated the problem. Over and over searching for words here to help me get through this.
The night of the wake....went to meet at my daughter's home. No one there..did I misunderstand the time? Went to funeral home and only my kids vehicles there so I entered only to realize one of them had surely went and got her. (Again praying for the anger to be scquelshed. They did not need this internal fury to be unleashed or added to their pain.) I went to the back sitting room and wept bitterly.
The sober sister whom came from another state tried to get me to sit with the family. I stood steadfast and refused. As those coming to pay respects started filtering in......I began to wonder if my grief/mind was overwelming me? Were all the emotions getting to me and my mind imagining what was happening. People seemed to be stopping in this backroom, waiting patiently, some backtracking after glancing and seeing me. They were holding up the procession that quickly had moved forward through the other room. It was most baffling/confusing that alot of them were still exAH's drinking buddies. Words spoke that baffled me. I had not been prepared for this outpouring of love. I WAS NOT at all prepared for their hugs for their words. It was as if they were caring some underlying messages.....that they knew he had a problem too! That they knew I still loved him! That they knew he had been struggling to fight the disease. I came home trying desperately to sort out what had gone on. Anger bubbling at time all for the same previous stated reasons. Yet feeling an odd sense of peace coming over me at times. Crying myself to sleep after relying on the wisdom of AA twelve steps.
Weds. day of funeral early to rise. Emotions in check for a short while. Mind flooding with many thoughts and anger increasing. Back to AA website all the while praying please help me be strong for my kids. Meeting at daughter's house, learning that kids were going to pick her up. Not one offering to give me a ride. My heart sinking!!! At the church. Sitting behind the kids' and spouses and the one sister who drinks. Staring at J in that casket, keeping tears at bay. She at the end of the pew, I on the other in the same. Watching her move to the front row. ("God help me PLEASE!!!") My brother nudging his way in to sit next to me. (He understands only to well. His wife is serving time in prison for driving under the influence of both drugs and alcohol that resulted in death.) The eulogies....letter written by one son read....and the other letter read by the second son who written it. Both expressing love they had for their dad. Tears no longer could be contained. Daughter wrote letter too. She slipped it in casket. Then the exodus of people going forward for that last goodbye. My turn...legs so unsteady!!!! At the casket looking down....."OMG please forgive me for being so naive about his REAL sickness!" Finding myself cradling his hands, stroking his face and that one final kiss!!! Tears coming harder! Leaving that church and going straight to the car. The ride to the cemetary. Shouting and screaming "She killed him. No, I know she didn't force him to drink, but she handed him the means to continue! I HATE HER, HATE HER, AND RIGHT NOW HOLD HER RESPONSIBLE!" That's when my brother looked over at me and said...."he still loved you. trust me I know he still loved you!" revelation my brother had talked to him sometime within the past year. J had talked as if he were still part of my family. My brother came away from that conversation without being told outright that the love was still in his heart for me. Brother trully believes this!
Reading this brought tears to my eyes. Thanks to all who shared! I'm sorry for your loss, learning. It's a cunning, baffling, and powerful disease...and it is patient...so keep your guard up! It's ok to feel the feelings...for a little while...but don't forget from whence you came. I am grateful for all the time I did get to spend with them and I am grateful that God knew they couldn't take it anymore...and therein I find relief. I still don't know why some of us make it and some of us don't, but God as I don't understand Him does! I hope you are in a better place today. God be with you!
learning I had more to say...... twice I've penned the rest. The first time I was interrupted and inadvertedly must have hit the subscribe button sending what is posted. I wrote the rest and for what ever reason it did not post.
Here it is:
By my mere posting those feelings I diffused the bad. I silently prayed for HP to help me cope through those days and to let go. He is and has. And those feelings of resentment/anger....that was the purpose of airing them here.... getting them off my chest...just like I did years ago. I know they serve no purpose!!! Writing them out and reading them is beneficial for me. I really feel my HP led me to bare those here to help me 'let go' and not act on them and give me strength to move forward. He did/He has/He is. Sharing what I have experienced is among other ways a form of working steps, at least for me.
Sharing all this from the time of death to now...is my way of expressing to AAer's and those coping with an addicted that we are in this battle togethor. We struggle the same things to understand, gain knowledge, garner wisdom from other's wisdom. We put forth our experiences to allow others what we have found beneficial. With each post I have felt strength. In between posts, I have sought out the literature I have from the onset years ago. And yes, just like the many falls in my struggle to cope back years ago, I have felt myself going down, HOWEVER, very quickly through all that I learned here I have not fallen down because I am reading centering ect. and taking measures. The sadness is still very real.....yet I will not give up and for whatever reason.....I know....I am continuing my journey down the road of my recovery. I will grant myself the priviledge of feeling ALL the emotions, both good and bad of this death. I WILL NOT allow myself to become mired again in that sea of misery. As I found working those steps back then, I am doing so now, finding life already. I have three beautiful kids and three grandchildren, with one on the way, to enjoy. I am smiling right now at the thought of my grandkids! The future did not look this promising when I started this journey years ago. Saddens me AH will miss soooo much, however, it was his choice to choose what path he took. I will be sad, it is certain in days to come. I will cry. With me or not.....that love had remained and sober or not....I think it would hurt as much. Even if we were old and grey.
My choice....to be proactive....and keep those steps in mind.....utilize them quickly when the negatives try to take control. I am not naive about alcoholism or how to cope with all this. I can only pray that somehow someway that AA'ers reading this or their loved ones, find strength and hope. That a spark will give way to a flame and sobriety and life will be found.
Sincerely,
Wanda
10h, 4m ago
Pythonpappy Hey Wanda, ... thank you for sharing what you did ... things do make more sense knowing the rest of the story ... I was concerned you might travel the wrong direction from here and miss out on the healing process ... I was praying for you to be open to the healing power available to you and us all ... sounds like you have a good 'spiritual conscious contact' with God ... and that is key to any of us recovering from past self destructive tendencies ... be it involving alcohol or other handicaps ...
As with the AA members on this site, I highly recommend a more personal involvement by going to meetings ... the human touch and hugs in the fellowships are a personal touch of God to heal our mind and bodies ... I believe that Al-Anon offers this same service of fellow sufferers helping each other ...
Personally, I go to meetings more in the interest to share my Experience, Strength, and Hope for the benefits to others, more than its benefits to me now ... I pray that you are blessed with 'peace of mind' that you did the right things and that the results of your husband's situation were not in your control ... I also pray you continue on the path to a new and rewarding life with your children and grandchildren ...
Love You and God Bless,
Pappy
21m, 41s ago
learning Human touch?......Two very important people in my life....a girlfriend and my brother have been through the horrors of what alcohol can do to families.
The former.... My girlfriend's husband had problems with both alcohol and drugs. I knew little about them other than two of their sons were part of a little league team as mine and one in the same class as mine. (We had only lived in this town about a year and were still meeting its residents.) My kids came home one Sat. and were excited. "......are going to live in the green house. Can they come over?" I was quick to learn that my friend had left him. Quick to learn through rumors, why!
I didn't ask questions, rather took some cookies (or something) over welcoming her to the neighborhood and asked if she wanted a babysitter so she could get things settled. She thanked me....still not revealing.
One week later......a practice was schedule for our boys. We seen her husband at grocer. He hyped the boys with 'slap fives' about the coming practice. He was good with the team members. We parted ways.
Two hours later at the diamond.....whispers. Those boys and their dad were not there. Then I was told. He had hung himself.
After practice...I bought cookies, icecream,.......filled that grocery bag with anything I new a kid would like....and went to her house. I did not know her this well, yet my inner voice said this woman needed me. From that point on....either she or I would cross that alley.
When hell was turned loose on my home.....she allowed me to air feelings (and gave me advice). This went on for well over a year. She knew I was miserable, was reaching out with help.....I myself wasn't ready. I'll never forget our shouting match. I walked out of her house with full intentions of never speaking again. Yet I bit my pride..... It took close to 5 years. She welcomed me back.
She called me at 4am Sun. We're both Facebookers and I'd seen her light on. In few words I left her a message via PM. I was looking at some posts when my phone rang. Scared the hey out of me at that hr. and I shook thinking 'OMG...no more bad news' It was my friend. she was willing to come those 20 mis. to hold me, be with me. (She was one of two who sat with my daughter when I had my masectomy. I only told a few people.)
She talked me through that hr. I knew she understood. I allowed her to help. She has called, stood by my side at the wake, ect. ect.
My brother....the same. His wife has another year of prison time. Drugs and alcohol had been in his marriage for some time. A Sat. morning and I see the news on a local tv station. Fatal accident. She had run a red light hit a car. The other driver, a woman and mother of 5 was killed. the night before. He as well tried to 'knock sense' into me when my life plummeted into darkness. I went immediately to his side.
He in turn.....called me in tears when he got the news. He understands!!!! He was there during the wake and at my side during the funeral. He knew the pain only too well.
There were others....who have reached out. I am a very very blessed. I could ask for a better support system.....that human contact you spoke of
I am also planning of which I havent done yet...to contact a former priest who was so kind and helpful to me, as well as his former deacon (a reformed AA member). both these men were of tremendous value in my healing process. I want them to know. What I did to heal back then when I moved away from them and let them know that I am okay and will be.
I have survived....and God willing will grow to an old age to watch and enjoy my grandchildren have children.
I am as well blessed to be a part of this board!!! Thank you for your kind words.
If you know how to 'crop' copy paste to my original thread on the share page........the remainder of my story that I have shared with you in my PM. I would trully appreciate it. My kids do soooooo make fun of me for my 'retardedness' when it comes to technology. (lmao.) Another area.....I am still 'learning' and haven't learned to move text yet.
And with permission from John maybe post that entire thread on the AlNON page.
Airing these experiences of my personal journey have helped me cope. I want others to know there is help. That each and every person coming to this site, whether the alcoholics, drug abusers, family members, ect. ect. will find utilizing it can be of great benefit. The things learned can be use for EVERY aspect of their lives. It is important to share and have human contact and go to meetings. There are 'safe havens' available!!!!! For it is in those confines we ALL can find our respective ways out of the darkness!
Again thank you for the compassion, understanding and kind words.
Wanda
Re-printed here by request ... Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 9th of November 2012 09:10:18 AM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Good share Pappy. Love the human contact when I can get it...the hugs are great and being able to see into the soul while listening or sharing is so awesome! Some of the people are weird but AA is awesome!
