Hey all.. I'm having a lot of problems with connecting with others in the program. I just can't seem to do it. Up until this past week, I've been going to lots of meetings, have a sponser, doing step work... I'm usually pretty connected to a higher power and am grateful to be sober (5 1/2 months now). The problem I have is that I keep everyone at a distance. I've just always been like this. It began as a coping skill or defense mechanism as a child ( like single digit age), and it's just kind of become a part of me these walls. These walls have at times served their purpose by protecting me. They have also served to be my largest obstacle in life- I simply don't let anyone in. These walls are more like a fortress that I've become trapped in. It's like I don't know how to get out now yknow? Well, it's very lonely and scary in here. Cracks are beginning to become visible and I'm finding that being vulnerable is perhaps my biggest fear. Sure, I can chit chat with anyone, but when it comes to discussing what's going on in my head or heart the walls are always there. I really want to reach out but I don't know if I'm capable of it honestly. I'm sure I'm not the only one of us that has been here.. How the hell do I be vulnerable? Im so frustrated with myself.
What does your sponsor say about this issue ??? ... ... ... You will have to tear down your walls to do the steps ... you need to be close enough to your sponsor to be able to confide in her with all things ... if you can't do that with the one you have now, changing sponsors may be the answer ...
The biggest issue as I perceive it, is ... ... ... an alcoholic needs to ask for help and be willing to receive it ... you need to make every effort to let someone in ... it won't happen with the walls you have in place ... You may need to consider professional help as well, meaning, a counselor of some type ...
We are here for you to talk to anytime you need ... how deep and personal you want to go is your choice ... there are those of us here who have heard just about everything, so we're not embarrassed by much ... and if you need to PM one of us, there's nothing holding you back ...
Love you and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
This is something that will take trust in your HP - and practice (IMO)
I still feel awkward going up to people and shaking their hand, introducing myself, giving hugs, making eye contact, talking to people and not my feet, smiling at people etc.
I sh** you not, I force myself to do this stuff yet. I basically fake it - and hope to make it. I think Mark told me this in the beginning... that I had to practice all this stuff if I wanted to get better at it. So I literally force myself to do it. It's almost painful to walk around the room and shake peoples hands and greet them instead of waiting for people to come up to me. I feel so awkward and weird that I almost pee my pants every time. But I do it when I can muster it up. I hug people back, and have forced many of them. I am getting better at that. I still talk at my feet in the meeting. I do make eye contact easily with whomever is sharing now. I always keep a warm smile on my face and that's for the newcomer and my HP.
It's getting easier slowly. I do certainly have a lot more people I'm comfortable with now. I don't have a lot of deep connections, but I have 3 ladies - 2 of them are my sponsor and one is my ex sponsor that I can tell anything and be totally honest with, and that's gold, but I had to get real, get honest, and trust my HP with them first.
Best wishes
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Taking off our masks,taking a risk by sharing the exact nature of whats going on with us is a process.Not all things are meant for the rooms.I am a firm believer in listening for a sponsor and listening to that person and watch the interactions and attitudes and behaviors of that person.A sponsor is really just another person whose main purpose is to help you thru the Steps.For me,and this is my stuff I wanted a sponsor that was married,had been married etc,had children,had a natural spirituality that shined through(didnt have to have my faith beliefs)and was living the program in attitude ,action and behavior.If i had relatiionship issues I wanted my sponsor to be able to identify,if I had problems with my children(2 of 4 are addicts,1 in recovery and 1 clean always)so we could identify with children and that our approach was spiritual in nature.My sponsor walks the walk in all areas and thats important for me,cause I grew up with 'DO AS I SAY ,NOT AS I DO' scenario. So strong character important to me. Remember thats what sponsorship was and is for me,my stuff.........In this relationship I have been able to share things no one ,except God ever knew and its where my freedom,with God's grace and mercy, grew thru the years.I still am guarded in a sense with what I share and with who, that is human nature, like I said not all things are meant for the rooms..I believe as you get deeper in the solution,really free yourself from the inner demons learn to unmask and remain guided by the God of your understanding the walls will allow more entry.You'll know when your ready..Becoming vulnerable is fearful,but the masks do have to go. Sometimes we try to hide our past in an attempt to finding an easier way of dealing with our inner feelings. Congrats on 5/1/2 months, truly a miracle.Remember ,a day at a time, Easy does it,we didnt become addicted overnite and its gonna take awhile to release the monsters,but with work and God at your side ,More is always revealed.Thanks for sharing,you are so correct,we all have to practice removing the masks and remember that Honesty is the antidote to our diseased thinking!!! Peace....
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
Good to hear form you. I suspect you are about where you are supposed to be right now when it comes to change. Roger hit on it, honestly working the steps and getting out of self, one day at a time is the key to progress.
When we start getting alright with our past and ourselves I think we begin to open up, we can't work the promises or the goal, only the steps.
I think I have spent most of the past 25 years getting people who come into AA to relax and gradually try to chip away at their walls, working to get them to open up to their God/spiritual side, try to get them active and involved in the group and sharing seems to help.
I don't think I ever remember new person coming to AA without the fortress. You really made me think to when I first got sober, I'm pretty sure I was trying to be anyone but me, Clint Eastwood or James Bond maybe. I had to have my tough guy act going at all times......hell everyone and the world was out to get me. I had all the defense mechanisms and rationalizations going. How could I ever be honest?
I really don't think about vulnerability much, I guess it's common sense that we don't needlessly stick out chin out for no reason. Now I see the "tough guy" or the 'street guy", I can see right through them, I know exactly what they are going through.
Today, thanks to God, the people and program of AA, I have nothing to hide. I know I can walk into an AA meeting in San Fran or New Zealand tomorrow and I can relax, be myself and be honest. We're not on the streets anymore. Nobody in AA has ever done anything but try to help me, never hurt me.
Get on your "God side" and try to be helpful to others and give time time. The walls will come down, they always do.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
When I became secretary of an AA group, that helped me to better interact with people. I was always an exrtavert though and only became intraverted in my last couple years drinking. Hence, I went back to my old self pretty quickly.
On the other hand, It took about 3 years before I was ready to have anyone over at my house other than a person I was dating. I continued to have low self-esteem and think that I didn't know how to take care of myself right. Decorating a house nice, vacuuming, cleaning....I had to learn/relearn that stuff. I was used to living in a drunken filthy pigsty. Hence, I was definitely ashamed to have friends over and I was always trying to get out of my apartment 1. cuz I hated being alone and sitting with my thoughts and 2. I was embarassed to have people over (even after the condo was in decent shape).
One thing I know Colleen is that you will grow in the ways you need to if you continue working the program. It will happen. Throughout my first year I cried at meetings regarding how I felt like such an incompetent child (mind you, I always had a job and worked). Emotionally and concretely in certain areass (some social), I was aware I was kinda retarded. I was aware of being really needy and I remember feeling like you are describing...albiet for slightly different character defects. I wanted to change really bad. Some time in the 2nd and 3rd year these changes just started happening.
Now that you are sober, and now that you dedicate time to self-care and self-improvement, you will change in the ways you want. It won't happen on your time though. Be patient.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thank you for sharing Colleen. That shows a willingness and action right there! Good job! Sharing on here can be difficult too. Like some of the others have said, my openness and communication with others was and still is a slow process. It's probably better than I think it is. My head likes to tell me I'm not where I should be- whereever that is? Like I know where I should be. The God of my understanding does- and I'm right where I supposed to be. I do pray for more humility and openness and then take action by practicing it with my Sponsor and others. It's something that will improve in time- not mine, but his. Keep at it girl!
Some great experience above, getting a sponsor, getting involved in the running of the group all will mke you feel a part of AA. My experience was thst the 5th step helped me most with this problem. Right up to that point I felt like I was the worst person ever to come to AA and that if you knew what I was really like, you might kick me out. Our stories disclose in a general way, and sure I heard the general stuff, but the really nasty secret stuff I never heard, I thought I was the only one like that. It's a very lonely place to be.
The reason I took step 5 was that I had heard and read that I would not overcome drinking if I skipped this vital step, and I was willing to go to any lengths to get sober. I said my parayers and asked for the courage to tell the whole story and was amazed at the result. Just as described on page 75, but in addition I came to know I was just a run of the mill ordinary alcoholic whose expriences and secrets were just normal alcoholic stuff. I lost that feeling of apartness and my life was changed forever.
So, dear, you're having some communication issues I hear? Okay, that part sounds eerily familiar, but certainly not uncommon given this day and age. I guess your reasons are just as viable today as mine, so why even venture a guess. I'd rather leave that question for Mark -our resident expert- to figure out; maybe he can enlighten you further. It may take some time to figure this all out, but time is what we do have. So for now, let's make sobriety your utmost priority. And then take it from there. It's always a win, win proposition either way.
Maybe you're feeling disconnected because of social reasons? Who knows? What about trust issues, do you have any of those? I've heard the expressions "body room" and "comfort zone" used before as a way of keeping someone at bay, can that be what you mean? Maybe it's how you define the word 'distance' that has me confused. Is it something you regulate daily? Okay dear, maybe I've gone off topic just a bit, but it's still a question you may want to explore later on. I usually set up barriers only when I feel threatened, then it's completely different ballgame. I only hope you can make some sort of adjustment for both your benefit and ours.
You talked about reaching out as a way of breaking this chain. Well dear you have. You've been communicating with us for a period of time, which shows a lot of courage given the whole boundary issues and all. So, maybe, you're not holding people at bay after all. You may actually be on the verge of breaking out, who knows. In order to make this sober reality a worthwhile experience, though, we must first choose a path of least resistance, which 'should' include letting others in. And what better way dear than on a recovery forum like this one. It just might be a precursor to something much, much better. And it's anonymous, remember?
You're right in one regard, Colleen: It's easier to build a wall than to tear one down, or at least to feel vulnerable again. Take my situation for example: I had a lot of trust issues growing up; not to mention an overbearing father figure who loved to pull pranks, always at my expense. It wasn't quite 'that' bad, but he did it out of spite among other reasons. So my trust factor became almost nonexistent. I built many walls after that; shed many tears as well, but I can't allow those memories to linger on, not for any length of time. That's why my 4th step was so crucial. It allowed me certain freedoms, like 'enjoying someone else's company again' and do so without any further embarrassment. That's how the wheels of motion began for me and maybe for you too. I can only hope.
I had some close friends since then who would share just about everything. Whether I can allow that to happen today or not is still a big question mark. But it does make for an interesting conversation nonetheless. Something went missing from my life the day after my first real rejection, and I needed to get that part back. So I guess that's my point in all this: What will become of us if we don't communicate our feelings like we should. Well, for me it's rather simple...I'll drink again, for sure. For others, it can range from a very 'dry' or 'unhappy' sobriety to something, far, far worse. So I suggest you talk this over with someone you 'do' trust before it becomes a total liability.
Oh, one last thing: You are loved dear and everyone here on M.I.P is evidence of that. So trust away Colleen, you won't ever be disappointed, and I mean ever. Were always be ready to listen; that's our promise to you. Onward...
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 3rd of November 2012 10:44:43 AM
Like I know where I should be. 
The God of my understanding does- and I'm right where I supposed to be. I do pray for more humility and openness and then take action by practicing it with my Sponsor and others. It's something that will improve in time- not mine, but his. Keep at it girl! 