Its almost been a year since I entered a 28 day rehab, one week after leaving I started drinking again until I got in a lot of trouble at work for not showing up because I was afraid to be drunk on duty. I was then put on antabuse and was pretty much a dry drunk for two months and picked up again. I have continued to drink and continued to do some pretty stupid stuff. I go to group substance abuse meetings every week, which are mandated by my job but never went to an AA meeting on my own. I think Im ready to quit. I am about to have a huge career transition and wont have the resources or safety net I currently have. Im terrified that my drinking is going to continue to screw my life up. Im just tired. Im tired of feeling embarrassed about the stupid drunk things I did or said, Im tired of compromising myself for a bottle of wine. Im tired of pretending all the time and lying to my friends and family, but mostly Im tired of lying to myself. I know Im an alcoholic, I know I have a drinking problem but I keep picking up. That stupid little voice in my head that says "You need a drink" is over whelming. Ive been sober for 14 hours now and I really want that last sip of wine to be my last, Im just afraid of disappointing myself again. I know I need a sponsor and I need to work the steps but I never WANTED to stop. Ive assessed how my life has turned out and alcohol has been the only constant for my continued failures and setbacks. I just cant keep doing this. Ive seen my very close friends ruin their lives and careers because of this stupid addiction, so far I have just been lucky. My luck, Im afraid, is soon to run out if I dont make a huge change. So Im going to a meeting tonight on my own volition and scared but excited about it. I have to do something else because this whole drinking thing is seriously not working for me anymore.
Im tired of feeling embarrassed about the stupid drunk things I did or said, Im tired of compromising myself for a bottle of wine. Im tired of pretending all the time and lying to my friends and family, but mostly Im tired of lying to myself. I know Im an alcoholic, I know I have a drinking problem but I keep picking up.
Welcome to MIP Dimanche ...
You are walking in the shoes I used to occupy ... 1st things 1st ... Step one ... I had to stop lying to myself ... I admitted that alcohol controlled my very existence ... AA helped me to learn 'new ways' to think ... gave me new life ... showed me the suggested way to recovery ... don't drink, go to some meetings, don't speak if you don't feel like ... you will find people there just like you ... come back and describe your experience and ask us anything you wish regarding recovery ...
Good Luck and God Bless,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Aloha Sister...this isn't a stupid addiction...This is a cunning, powerful and baffling addiction and its fatal if not arrested by total abstinence. Alcohol doesn't care if an alcoholic wants to quit...the ism will make you hurt for a drink inspite of how you want not to and that is where the open meetings and the fellowship and MIP (here) come in. If you want sobriety and change we can and will support that with our own. You sound like at that point we call "sick and tired of being sick and tired". If that is close we are here. Have a great meeting...find your chair...sit down...all the way down and listen with an open mind. Come back and let us know how it came out for you. In support. ((((hugs))))
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I actually made it to the meeting, which i failed to do in the past, got some phone numbers and was so nervous my face turned all kinds of red. I'm not to the one day at a time yet, I'm pretty much trying to get through each hour. I never understood this concept or didn't want to. But I'm hopeful, for the first time I'm pretty humbled by the AA community and my addiction. And yes I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired but at least for tonight I'm going to bed sober. Have a meeting picked out for the rest of the week and Thanks y'all again.
Many of us have "day one" more than once, I was one of them. I can relate to the one hour at a time, I was there too. Congrats on making it to a meeting, following through. You don't have to understand anything for a bit. Just keep to your plan of going to meetings daily. And don't drink in between. I know the concept of using that phone list and calling someone you don't know seemed so difficult for me at first. But much to my amazement (and to my relief), when I had nothing else between me and a drink but a call to someone I did not know, I chose the phone call. It worked. I didn't drink. So far, I have not gone back to my "day one" for 480 days, (16months) as of the 20th of this month. One day at a time. Sometimes one hour, one minute. Whatever it takes. Thanks for posting, and please keep coming back We need you here. (((hugs))) & Peace.
__________________
I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Hi Rebecca, welcome to the board. All of us have been where you're at. I tried for years to quit on my own, then went to meetings sporatically for a couple years, never fully giving in to this simple program. Couldn't stay sober more than 2 months, which I did several times. It wasn't until I decided to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, and following all of the suggestions that I had heard in the meetings. I had to make getting and staying sober my "Primary Purpose", above all else, as I heard that "whatever you put in front of your sobriety, you'll lose anyway when you start drinking again. I turned my obsession to drink into an obsession to stay sober. I began a life mission for me, one day at a time, no mater what happens, I will not pick up that first drink. Like everyone else who ever got sober, I thought that life as I knew it was over without booze. What I cam to find out was alcohol had me locked down and was holding me hostage from enjoying the majority of life. Getting sober freed me to do whatever I wanted to do, be, go, and see. Like be happily married, own my own business, homes, travel the world, enjoy lots of hobbies... And damned if everything that I read in the big book, and most of what I heard in meetings wasn't true. It keeps getting better month after month, year after year, a couple decades and still counting.
Don't think to much about it, and whatever you do, no matter how good or badly you feel, don't drink. Get to a meeting every day. It's one hour, and we spent all day thinking about or having those drinks. It's an equitable trade. Welcome to the family. We are always here.
Welcome Rebecca! Glad to have you here with us. I've been in your shoes as well. Take it slow- you're on a journey, not a sprint. It does keep getting better. When it does get better, remember what got you to that better place. I've seen many cases, mine included, when it got better, I stopped doing what I did to get it better and went back out several times. Relapsing was part of my journey and experience. Glad I'm off that roller coaster for Today. Thank you God(HP).
So I'm on day 6 have been to meetings every day. Today I got so mad and I really don't know why. I just want to punch something. Usually I would have picked up a beer and chilled. But I went out for a drive to cool down and ended up in the parking lot of the next meeting. I know the only reason I'm here and not a bar is because of God. I surely don't know why I keep coming back. At the meetings everyone keeps talking about how awesome being sober is but I really think this stuff sucks right now.
Congrats on 6 days ... YES, I thought sobriety sucked the 1st week too ... LOL ...
Hate to disappoint you, but the 1st few weeks can be a little rocky for sure ... keep plenty of 'sweets' around to stave off the cravings a bit ... do like you're doing and get to as many meetings as you can possibly make ... in fact, most of us regard 'meetings' as our 'security blanket' against that 1st drink ... even at 3 meetings a day in the beginning, I was scared to leave the rooms ... AA was like my body armor ...
When you have gotten a good sponsor and have gone to enough meetings, you'll learn how to deal with your anger when those moments come ... Try not to come 'unglued' ... say the 'Serenity Prayer' often ... build a relationship with your 'higher power' that you can rely on ... It's a Start ... ...
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yeah, I don't remember anything awesome about day 6 either - except I hadn't done anything stupid in 6 days. I was sick, sad, mixed up and broken. But it got better. Much better. It wasn't quick, it wasn't easy, but it was simple: Big book, steps, meetings and a hell of a lot of hanging onto my chair for dear life.
Thanks for sharing here about it - these guys/gals really do know what they are talking about here : ) Keep sharing and you'll get some excellent suggestions and examples and experience. I'll tell you what - I did not even crack a smile until day 8 and I nearly freaked out! I thought I was incapable of ever smiling again. I had to keep hearing how it was going to get better and take a leap of faith that it would if I just kept showing up - and guess what - it got better.
Everyone told me to give time time - so I think that's what I'll pass on to you now. Ah heck... who am I fooling... they're still telling me that 7 months later...lol.... but you know what, it's starting to sink in a little : )
In support and best wishes, Tasha
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
We all just take things 'One Day at a Time' ... do what you know needs to be done today ... tomorrow and Dec. 15th will take care of themselves soon enough ... work your program before anything else ...
Congrats on 28 days ... there were times I never thought that was possible for me ... this site is aptly named ... Miracles In Progress ... I can attest to that! ... Cause I am one!
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Monday 19th of November 2012 05:00:53 PM
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Well I made it thus far28 days. I feel like Ive been on some emotional roller coaster ride that has upside-down loops when I least expect it. I know that God has His hand in all of this because I have never stuck with anything this long before- ever- especially when it sucked this bad sometimes. I have met some really awesome people in my home group, have been to a meeting every day, but just found out I am going to have to move accross the country on 15 December; which makes me really nervous, sad, anxious, and excited. I was really hesitant to leave my current location because I have made friends and for the first time in my life feel some sort of normality and I have always been terrified of change. I know Ive only been in the program for a short period, but in that short time I have been able to somewhat accept the fact that I am not the ruler of my own life, thats how I got myself in trouble in the first place. I dont know if I would have ever stepped in a meeting if it wasnt for this site, I think I was just testing the waters as it were, and the responses I got from all of you have been a blessing to me. I am still really really mind fogged at the moment, and each day I go through about seventy five different emotions but I am learning that they will all pass sooner or later. So thank you for your support, Im truly grateful to you all.
Congrats Rebecca! Thanks for coming back and letting us know where you're at. We're here for you. Sounds like you're building a solid foundation. Try not to worry too much about your upcoming move. Your Higher Power(HP) will take care of the details. Just keep doing what you're currently doing- One Day At A Time. I used to spend a lot of time projected the future. Needless worry steming from the soil of fear. I thought that if I thought about it enough, I could arrange it just to what I thought I needed. The plans never seemed to work out leaving frustrated, sad, lonely and fearful.
What I've come to learn is fear of the unknown was my biggest anchor in life. Today, I realize I'm not in control. Fear is the absence of faith. When I turn my will and life over to the care of my HP, things just seem to work themselves out. It relieves me of the bondage of self and I'm truly grateful for that. To the best of my ability, I keep my head where my feet are and leave the results up to my HP. Wash, rinse & repeat.
