In the wee hours of the morning on Thursday I found myself in the emergency room at the hospital after work. It was my heart. Twenty years clean has healed alot of the physical problems brought on by active addiction but there is some wreckage that can't be resolved and the damage done to my heart falls into that category.
This was my third heart attack and I thought this one was going to be the last. Funny thing though, as I lay there with machines hooked up everywhere, I started running through my day in what I figured was going to be my last tenth step and I realized something.
I didn't wake up that morning in prison or under a bridge; instead I woke up in my comfortable bed, in my beautiful house, next to the woman I love. I was able to tell her I loved her, I called my father like I do every morning and tell him that I love him too. I called two newcomers in NA throughout the day and told them that I was thinking of them. I went to my job and worked an honest days work trying to keep food on the table and care for my family.
At the end of the day, faced with what could have been my final tenth step, I had not a single regret or anything that I felt that I had to make amends for. As Ilooked back on my day I realized that there was noting about my day that I would have changed. I had lived it exactly how I would have if I had known that it was going to be my last day.
That is the gift of this program - to think that the wretched shell of a person who crawled into this program back in 92 would have ever journeyed to a place where I could live my day without a single regret is beyond comprehension. I survived of course, but you know, it would have been a good day to die. Since that turned out to not be the case, it's a good day to live too.
That is it isn't it? Is that not what this is all about? On your last day, at your last moment, you have no regrets and you can face your maker. Beautiful Angell. You will notice that I did not start out with the secondary concern for your physical well being. I started with honoring what you (and I) feel is most important, the condition of your "soul". Again, I honor that spirit! But damn Angell, I am really glad you are still with us! What is the prognosis? Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Like Tom, Angell, I'm so glad you are still with us. I Love the sentiment in your post. It shouts that you have paid the price of sobriety, the destruction of self centredness. It's (your post) all about what you can do to make the lives of others better, and living each day like it's your last. No regrets. That's what it's all about :)
That is how I want to learn to live my life. With no regrets, knowing that if I were to die today, I lived and loved and served to the best of my ability, ability given to me through the grace of my God and the principles of the steps and traditions. Thank you for posting this. I'm glad you're still here to share your ESH. Hope you are feeling better. Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Wow, what a beautiful share. Thank you so much. How this program teaches us about gratitude! Where else could we hear a share like this, this beautiful reminder, and wake up call for some of us (me), to fully realize at the end of this day what a gift each clean and sober day we have is. Chris
I agree with everyone else Angell ... ... ... Great post ... this is exactly what I needed to hear today ... (I've been in your shoes, in the hospital, once for the condition you described ... it really puts life in perspective doesn't it???)
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
