Hello everyone. I dont know why I am sharing this. I guess I hope to find people with similar feelings at this moment or sometime in their life. I have been sober for 63 days. YAy. well I woke up today and went to class and ended up zoning out and I found this in my notebook. It explained how I was feeling at that very moment even though it was from a fuill year ago.
Today...
today I dont want to live
I am not suicidal
But today I cant face myself: i cant face my demons
I want my fucking mind to shut off but it keeps turning,
churning, grinding
It wont fucking stop
I just want to sleep
But I cant fall asleep
So I will drink
Or maybe I wont
But I probably will
Because my name is CIARA
And I am an ALCOHOLIC
But I am in Alcoholics Anonymous
So I will find the strength to get through this day and to make it to tomorrow. CLEAN
Hi Ciara. Congratulations on 63 days... I can relate to your journal. Ive felt really low at times, but Ive gotten through it. Sometimes my mind is like a rat on a wheel that wont stop runnning, it drives me to the point that I just wanna go crazy, or get drunk to just turn it off... One of the best things Ive found in sobriety is that after being clean for a longer period of time, I have a lot more mental clarity than I had in the past. I no longer have 5 million thoughts of people places and things which arent even real in my head all the time, and it really sucks when your in that realm. A reason I love going to meetings in real life is because they seem to give me a much clearer peice of mind, usually as soon as I walk in the door I find Im much more clear in my head than when Im not there....I hope you find the strength to stay sober and make it to some meetings, getting drunk will just escalate the things your dealing with and its no good at all...Hope you make some real life meetings, they can clear up the mental garbage a lot faster than you think if you honestly seek them.
My mind does that on occasion, too. It seems to wander aimlessly only on certain days while on other days it's quiet as can be. Sometimes, there's no rhyme or reason as to why. So I must take it all in stride Ciara, just like A.A. suggests. Only then can I find true happiness. You're sober today Ciara and that's good enough even for you. Welcome to M.I.P.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 12th of October 2012 01:33:40 AM
Welcome to the boards! It DOES get better. Hang in there and check back in. :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Hey Ciara. Congrats! Where are you on the steps? At day 63, do you appreciate the mornings more? Thank you for coming here and helping us all stay sober! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Welcome Ciara to MIP ! Oh how I can relate to your post, those feelings of restlessness, the not knowing how I was going to make it through the day without drinking (and other issues for me). I didn't think I was ever going to get what I saw others had. Peace, serenity, comfort inside their own skin. I struggled and struggled and then, finally sweet surrender. Total, complete utter willingness to do what others suggested. Get a sponsor, work the steps. Develop a relationship with a power greater than myself, one that wil always be there with me, for the times when my sponsor is unavailable, no one else picks up the phone, there is no meeting, and as they say, my a$$ is falling off. The only thing standing between me and intoxication is my belief, my relationship with my God as I (don't) understand him/her/it. Since I have been able to do that, I have been able to stay sober, one day at a time, for a bit over 15 months. A miracle for someone who drank & drugged for 30 years. So again, Welcome. Please stick around, we need you. Peace.
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Welcome, Ciara, and congratulations on tacking those days together! I still have up and down days. They aren't as down as they were thirty years ago, I no longer feel like jumping off a cliff, and even when things really suck, which they still do from time to time, I've reached a point now where my first thought on how to deal with the shit doesn't include drinking. Back in my 30s, I was afraid those thoughts would never leave, that I'd be doing this massive battle every time something happened, but as time passed, those thoughts held less and less power over me. Nezyb said "sweet surrender". Yes. There are times I surrender whole days, every hour of them, to my higher power. Often my thoughts accelerate and become to big for my brain, and I have to just *stop*. Stop and surrender. It gets better, truly. Keep coming back. Chris
Welcome Ciara - I recall feeling that way for about 6 months to a year... I felt like there was so much noise in my head. It was as if a radio was turned up and I could not turn the volume down. It does get better over time. I promise.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
So I will find the strength to get through this day and to make it to tomorrow. CLEAN
So lack of power (strength), that was our dilemna. So how we gonna get some power? well that's exactly what this book is about, connecting you with a power greater than yourself which will solve all your problems.
So this was the truth for me. God gave me, on several occasions, a small period of grace during which I was able to not drink. For a week or two I would feel quite good, eat, sleep, save some money. But, like you, I am an alcoholic and alcohol was my solution to life. You take the alcohol away from me, and I do nothing spiritually, eventually that feeling of discomfort returns and I start coming apart at the seams. I then return to the only solution I know.
Then I reached the point where I was willing to go to any lengths, I did the work, and God's grace became a permanent thing. Simple but not easy. A price had to be paid, it meant the destruction of self centredness. It's all in the book.
Yesterday I celebrated 13 years of sobriety and I still have an illness that determines that I also, like you, will probably drink again.......IF I don't take the steps necessary that ensure my recovery, like you said, for today.
So today I will take care of myself and my illness and get to an AA meeting...I will do my work in the steps that I am on at my house...I will do whatever it takes to get the willingness to do these things.
Millions of us have done it and there's no reason you can't too.
Congrats Odat! I was just thinking of you as I decided to not make any coffee finally this morning (weaned off all week). All those posts about it were just the push I needed, cuz I couldn't seem to connect my own thoughts of cutting it out with actions. Your sobriety has for sure affected mine, and I'm so happy to have gotten to know you across the lands here on MIP! Very happy for you! Congrats again!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
