Y'know, when I first came into the program, and I read those 12 Steps, I was in awe. So much to aspire to! If I do ALL those steps, I'm going to be, like, a SAINT. Can I live up to that? I was totally intimidated, but just as I was told, I hung onto those first three until I was urged to move further. (omg, did I want to be that freaking perfect??? Could I be?) Ok, it's funny now, but it terrified me then. So, I'm watching all these old timers (and to me at that time, if you had more than 90 days, you were an 'old timer'. The other requirement was, if you were over 35).
So I'm going to all these meetings, and hanging onto my heroes and heroines words. They had it. They had it all, and I was never ever going to be able to be that 'good'. Oh, the dance I put myself through with (you got it) Expectations. And I didn't just put them on myself, I totally put them on everyone else, too. For some reason, my ears blocked out the 'striving for perfection' part, and just assumed, if you get sober, you get perfect. Oh, lord, was I ever in for it.
My wake up call was when I found out that (gasp!) some of the Giants in those meetings were (whisper this) sleeping together. And if that werent' enough, I heard people actually gossip outside of meetings! Horrors. Oh, wait a minute. You mean, sobering up doesn't mean you lose your humanity? You're still vulnerable, still can get angry, and still make mistakes? You can be sober and make the occasional bad choice? Does that mean, even with all my insurmountable flaws, I can still stay sober? YAY! Maybe I can do this after all...
So, here I am, 30 yrs. later, still flawed, still striving towards perfection. Ahem. Not. But I am trying. What I did not count on, and some how missed, was the fact that others were going to sneakily ALSO put expectations on me. I have a temper. I don't lose it often, but when I do, get out of my way. I go a little crazy, and I may even say a few things I don't mean. But, I do apologize once my sanity has returned and I've walked through the red haze. So recently, I had one of my "moments". I actually got testy with my Father. Perhaps testy is an understatement. But for years, because those who loved me expected it, I would zip my mouth shut when I was offended. I did not want to tarnish the illusion that I had become this spiritual giant that could 'om' my way through any obstacle. My feelings got hurt, and I responed accordingly. Usually, I stuff it down when it's my folks. But we all have limits.
Two days later, my phone rings. It's one of my sons. " Ummm, Mom, hi. Are you doing okay?". Well, yes, Sweetheart, I'm fine, things are going okay, why? " Well, Grampa called. He's all upset. You got mad at him, and so he asked me if you were drinking". Now, given they're all down south, in California, and I'm in Washington State, how would my poor son know if I were drinking? But that was the automatic assumption. If Chris actually expresses anger, and it isn't at a politician, then she must be drinking! And what did I automatically feel? GUILT. After all this time, I was still giving off the vibes to my family that I'm sober, so I must really have my doodoo together. Which must mean, I no longer get mad, I no longer lose patience, ad nauseum.
I had to really really give myself a few days to take this in. I was so wound up in this image for my family (obviously, the people who live with or near me know better) that I had never given myself permission to reveal what was really going on inside of me to them. So I never set boundaries, I never lost my temper, and in not giving myself (or them) permission to see me even at my worst, I had given them the same exact concept I had when I walked through the doors. If you're sober, by god, you better be a saint. That is alot of weight to carry around.
I ended up writing a very open and vulnerable letter to some family members last week. I bared my flaws. It may be one of the biggest favors I've done for myself and for them. Not only am I not a saint, but I'm probably never going to even be considered at the vatican. I'm hoping this will open up some doors I hadn't even realized I'd closed behind me when I left the state 25 years ago. I'm still human. I still make mistakes. I still have a temper. I just happen to know how to say I'm sorry now, and I no longer black out what I've done, I actually remember it when I've expressed a flaw for the world to see. Here's hoping they'll accept my humanity, my imperfections, my amends, and may we all realize that " Chrissie can be quite the bitch, but that's okay, cuz she's doing it sober". I wasn't giving them, nor myself, any credit. Ahhhh, expectations....
Wow, awesome, honest share Wren. Totally relate. Thanks for sharing this -- has helped me today!
Especially love the line "...but that's okay, cuz she's doing it sober". :) So true. I'm here to be sober, not a saint. The program promises us sobriety if we thoroughly follow its path, not sainthood.
Aloha Chris...geez getting sober is interesting. My family also doesn't know what to do with it or me still and then I do it anyway cause it ain't for them. I give myself permission to stay sober in spite of outside vibrations. If I have amends with one of them it's just with one of them and it is handled as I learned it from the elders; quietly (I don't bring a band and spotlights) and respectfully (with the offended and myself at the same time). I make mistakes and people I offend at times with those mistakes know what it is all about themselves...the prompt, direct apologies and amends are not usual character so often what we do in the 10th step is unusual and maybe even unsettling to others. Ever have someone you really offended remark "Oh it's okay" or "Not that big a deal" when you were tenthing. Just imagine telling an alcoholic needing to live a lifetime of altered behaviours..."Its okay to relapse your program"...lol I can just imagine HP standing on the sideline shaking its head from side to side vigorously saying "Don't say that...Don't say that"!!
I don't know many candidates for sainthood who have the word "alcoholic" attached to their resumes. I know the story of St. Paul well and feel that he might have benefited from our program however I didn't find any talk of a program of recovery clearly stated in his chronicles. They did speak of him being sequestered for several years before coming out public again and that he had assistance (sponsorship?) during that period of time and then no meetings or steps have been mentioned. He's the patron of some other group of people.
Hey maybe there is a chance for you and there are requirements for it. Can you qualify for those rooms also? Just imagine...without the use of chemicals. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Hey Wren, I think it is great that you used the honesty of the program to express your feelings. Now your Dad knows you can be assertive without drinking and will adjust to that accordingly. You carved out a little more space for yourself. You know that you will hash this out with your Dad in more detail later and he will respect it. I think you acted correctly. I am sure this will be an overall positive for the family. Tom
__________________
"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
What timing ... ... ... This is exactly what I needed to hear this a.m. ... ... ... I'm traveling to my son's home in Tenn. today ... last year, while sober, I got into it with him over some silly nonsense and left in a huff while visiting him ... this share of yours is so very timely for me ... great perspective is shown in your post ... just what I needed ...
I've been sober for a while now but still let the little stuff invade my peace and serenity sometimes ... and yes, it is tough sometimes to go back and admit when we're wrong and own up to the fact that we're still human and make human mistakes ... the book does say that we 'strive for perfection' but we are not saints, ... how true ... I DO have to keep in mind that we look for 'spiritual progress, not perfection' ... and that can sometimes be a challenge in and of itself ... but above all we should live in 'honesty' as TG said ...
Great post Chrissie ... thanks
Love Ya and God Bless, Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks for sharing this. I got some good stuff from this post. Made me think about a few things in a different light. :)
__________________
I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I had to really really give myself a few days to take this in. I was so wound up in this image for my family (obviously, the people who live with or near me know better) that I had never given myself permission to reveal what was really going on inside of me to them. So I never set boundaries, I never lost my temper, and in not giving myself (or them) permission to see me even at my worst, I had given them the same exact concept I had when I walked through the doors. If you're sober, by god, you better be a saint. That is alot of weight to carry around.
I ended up writing a very open and vulnerable letter to some family members last week. I bared my flaws. It may be one of the biggest favors I've done for myself and for them. Not only am I not a saint,
Hi Chris,
Thanks for sharing. The biggest thing I take from the story is that you took inventory of where you where at fault and when into action to help clean up your side of the street (10th step).
You're story didn't focus on where they where at fault (I'm sure they had a part), but on where you where wrong and others expectations of you. We have the right to be wrong, but living in denial, justification, rationalization and becoming defensive about our improper behavour is what will kill us.
Where I got sober I constantly heard "don't put anyone on a pedistol". Not drinking is the one thing we need to do perfectly, other than that we are just a bunch of drunks trying to get better and grow spiritually one day at a time throught the steps of AA.
Thanks for being a inpiration.
Rob
__________________
Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
