Hi Neophyte good to see ya! Sounds like your really pushin the envelope.When I got clean in '84 the compulsion to use wasn't as strong as the compulsion to "substitute other situations" to remain free of drugs. After 25 years of devastation from a young child of 11/12 I was worn out and on deaths doorstep so the decision(thru the God of my understandings)grace and mercy)to not use was very strong. What I did do was obsessively substitute gambling,martial arts,gun clubs and hunting,running marathons,church groups etc into the void that being clean, functioning in a world I didnt know and most everyone I knew was still involved in. It wasn't until I really applied in all areas of my life the spiritual principles of our STEPS and the invaluable help from my support group through our program and began giving back thru meetings,sharing and service that my life really began to change,.I had to make time to ensure my recovery stayed strong and I really learned a new way to live.I actually had more anger about not being able to use(drink) alcohol) because I knew I couldn't (based on many years of evidence)and it would keep me in turmoil.The more "work' I did the better I got.There are times even now when that creeping monster says"sure you could'right? you know how to handle it by now.WRONG!!!WE are Alcoholics and alcoholics drink(,addicts use) i'll keep it language specific respecting the house im in.)........ ,unless they find a way not to.I can only suggest sharing with your sponsor(hopefully you have one)put the application of the STEPS in your attitudes and behaviors and stay close to those who aren't using.It is good you are sharing your feelings, I also can only suggest to wind the tape all the way back when these thoughts of scripts ,smells of rope burning in the air,want to feel part of again, or any way to get outside yourself come into your mind...And a great line I remember as an also obsessive/compulsive type A personality says 'All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy We have to take time to smell the roses,sometimes easier said then done....!For us .its not what or how much we use but how it affects us that make us different(alcoholics),,.addicts...Energy drinks for speed!!! I believe you can see the danger here,,may have to take a look "inside" ..... Thanks for sharing,WE all can be just one bad decision away from renewing our pain..WE MAY NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR ILLNESS,BUT WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR RECOVERY! Keep coming back and let us know how your doing...Peace
-- Edited by mikef on Thursday 27th of September 2012 09:00:27 AM
-- Edited by mikef on Thursday 27th of September 2012 09:16:17 AM
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Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles.
As of late, I've had a pretty odd schedule. Three days in a row I'm up at 6 at work by seven, end work at three and start class at 4, out of class at 9, home by 930, study til 12. The other two days I work 7-3 home by 330 and do housework. And the weekends are for homework, errands and social time.
3 days a week I consume 5 energy drinks, the other 4 days I get by on two or three. And I'm unsure how this is effecting my recovery. I am aware that I've replaced speed with energy drinks and my purposeful food deprivation mimicks that of my using. I'm also keenly aware of the coworkers who smoke pot. Not gonna lie, I'm fantasizing about playing a dr for a script (or 6).
Anyone been there done that and gotten over it?
Thanks. Best wishes.
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
Thanks mike, that made alot of sense. "renewing our pain" struck a real cord here. And I do find myself having to justify "down time", as if I'm being irresponsible if I'm not doing something "productive"
I do have a sponsor, we have coffee at 6 every Saturday morning, but when I "think out loud" about what I just wrote, she always suggests I drop something. When in fact, I have to remember that initially having found a job/work schedule that fits well around eachother made me feel like I was accomplishing something.
But you know how we are-- it's never enough. Eat less, work more is not the balance the program promotes. Thanks for the reminder.
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
It's good to hear from you thanks for checking in. I can relate to what you and Mike are saying. At times during my first year I really didn't want to drink, but had a desire to "get out of my head" in some way. I did get obsessive about some other things.
Personally, that many erergy drinks would make me bat-shit crazy. I have had them, they make my mind race and obsess, I have to avoid. I buy a large coffee and pack a small cooler of bottle water and fruit...apples, pears oranges etc. The fruit is a balanced food/sugar. I don't get tired or hungry throught he day.
Most important don't drink or drug.....I think you know what is healthy for you.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Your probably right rob, changing my diet could probably provide more useful energy than synthetic sugars. Will try to adjust that, and probably find a caffinated tea since my coffee is more like "would you like some coffee with your cup of sugar?" lol
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
Hi Neo:) now I know why we haven't heard from ya.. You're too busy! I get where you're coming from completely. I've always had this Puritan work ethic- like " idle hands are the devils playground" lol and for a long time that was true for me. I work a full time job ( well, often over 50 hours a week) that gets me up at 4 am, and a second job that keeps me working until around 11 pm. I just recently cut back hours at my night job to 2 or 3 nights, instead of the 5 or 6 I was pulling- I simply never slept. On days I work both, I 'nap' for about 3 to 4 hours before waking at 4am again. Coffee is my best buddy haha, but I find that if I have too much I get a bit nutty. Trying my best to eat well helps A LOT! If I load up on quick sugary or greasy crap my body and mind start to break down. Try taking some yogurt, fruit, granola bars or whatever healthy natural foods you can as snacks throughout the day, this helps me. Also- toss the energy drinks!! They're soooo bad for you, and make you crazy:) switching to tea is a great idea. It's hard to keep your head and emotions in the right place with such a hectic schedule, as yours is, but I find that I need to keep focused in the larger goal ahead ( for me, getting on track financially to facilitate grad school- for you finishing your nursing program) helps to keep me from unravelling:) If you're like me, I have thoughts on occasion of just throwing in the towel... Or punching someone in the face- neither of which I've done as of yet lol. I think if you try to keep your eye on the ultimate goal, you'll be proud of yourself for being willing and able to work so hard for your future life, while keeping it one day at a time:) you're an inspiration, and reading your post just gave me a bit of motivation for myself- thanks!
I am on the go constantly too Neo. The best suggestion I can give you is to force yourself to engage in self-care. Take stock of when you are working/busy for the sake of self-care and when it turns into self-sabotage.
We really are like machines running on batteries. The battery is your spirituality. If you don't spend time charging it, you are gonna be running on empty and constantly looking for jump starts in the form of drugs or other unhealthy things.
You can't be connected well to your HP if you don't make time for it in the form of meeting, prayer, meditation, and just doing things you love.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Hey col, I've had moments I want to "knock someone out" but i think more in terms of looking at people who have more lax schedules and think "move! I've got things to do, get outta my way!" as if I'm better than those who don't work 40hrs/week.
This morning I had the opportunity to leave early (was only at work for ten minutes) so I came home and ate a bowl of fruit, started a chore, went for a walk, started another chore, skimmed my 12&12, started another chore and took a shower. You know what? My day feels so much better that way. Haha
Mark- thanks for the advice, I think I need to work more on my "spot check inventory"
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
Thanks for sharing,WE all can be just one bad decision away from renewing our pain..WE MAY NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR ILLNESS,BUT WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR RECOVERY! Keep coming back and let us know how your doing...Peace
Well said Mikef, ...
Hey Neo, ... ... ... Great to hear from you ... ... Remember HALT ... ... We should always be watchful for getting too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired ...
these are killers ... They lead straight back to addiction if we are not mindful of them ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
