My last drink was last Sunday so I think that makes it an official week of sobriety. It has, all in all been a good week. I had school all day and I'm headed in to work in a few so the night should go well and then I will begin again tommorow.
One quick admission, and please let me know if this is normal. Some of you had read and posted my qusetion opinion thread from yesterday about talking with my boyfriend about everything I had done the prior weekend. Well I have felt pretty good but today driving home from school I started thinking about the events of last Sunday that led me to this board and I remembered drinking my way up to that horrible point. I also remembered taking the first drink that day. It immediately made me want a drink, like the feeling took over for a few, I could almost taste it. Aside from the first two days of it getting out of my system and an occasional "I could use a drnik", that was the first time I really really wanted it. It was so weird, like the memory of the taste or something. I could almost really taste it then. Right then and there I told myself, get through today sober and tommorow you can drink (that was a suggestion someone gave me to get through a day) I again said one of the only prayers I know, the serenity prayer and I think I'm okay now but wow, what a feeling!!
Is this something that I will have to know is coming to ward off in the future?
-- Edited by aliasisme on Monday 10th of September 2012 04:01:16 PM
Alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful ... it will sneak into your thoughts when you least expect it ... especially in early recovery ... I have had those experiences where I could even taste the flavor of my favorite beer ... smell and taste are two very powerful senses ... they can even take you back in 'time', when you were a child, they're so strong ... you did right by saying the serenity prayer, doing anything to get your mind on something else ... that's a good start for you ... congrats on one week ... but let's just stay in 'today' for now ...
You're doing great, just keep on keeping on ...
Love ya, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Alias, In my experience whenever I get thoughts about drinking or binging on anything (see the "disease of more" thread I posted), it's usually cuz I dont' want to feel something and I have to ask myself what it is. In this case it's pretty clear what you do not want to feel - the embarassment and shame over what you did and how you acted during your last drunk. The cycle of addiction is so sick the way drinking begets problems and then we drink to forget the problems created by the drinking and so on and so forth.
Hence, anytime you can anticipate going through something emotionally draining, use whatever tools you pick up in AA.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Also, I'm always going to ask if you have been able to make it to meetings and or found a sponsor. I couldn't do this without face to face meetings. Just lookin out for you and I want you to have more supports than just us.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
It's great you talked about it, that's what I have to do. I look at that urge to drink now, like I look at my son after he got his cast off his broken arm. He kept thinking it was still there, he kept treating himself like he was still broken because he was so used to it. He was really scared "he would break" again... so his mind was giving him lots of left over thoughts that were unnecessary to the moment.
It was good to remember here and there, how much it hurt, so he could be more careful... but the amount of thoughts in the beginning were the brain adjusting. He didn't need all of them. He had to disregard some, to move on and get back into life. And he did.
In my opinion, being an alcoholic is just as chaotic, and hurts just as much. The odd thing about being "broken" in this way, is we stop the chaos in our mind and soul, with more of what got us in such a state. Pretty messed up, and hard to overcome because of that.
When we break an arm, we do what we need to do to heal by reaching out for help, letting people teach us how to care for it, and hope they show us kindness, compassion and gentle loving.
When we break with alcoholism, we think we know what we need to do. We try and reach inside to get the help we need. We don't want to let people teach us how to care for ourselves, we often isolate, and think we don't deserve the kindness, compassion, and gentle, loving, helping hand reached out to us.
It isn't until we can surrender to the fact that we can't fix ourselves, and that a power greater than us can, that we can reach out for help in the same way would with other things like a broken bone.
We alcoholics usually have to be quite shattered unfortunately. But... not everyone has to lose everything and be completely debilitated to reach out for help, and then actually accept it. I didn't. There are lots of people who didn't. But I also know that if I don't hang on to the hands of those who are trying to help me, I will lose everything.
You don't have to give in to those backward thoughts of drinking, when it's actually the last thing you need. You can be patient, and give the healing the time it takes. You can decide to surrender and be teachable... and loved, and cared for... you'll find so many people who want to help you in the rooms of AA. And it's free!
My son's broken arm cost 5000 dollars (after insurance). What we have to offer here is free if you want it... and it works... if you're willing to take it. All you'll ever have to give back is what you've learned.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Tuesday 11th of September 2012 09:35:48 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Thank you for the post Alias. Pappy and Pinkchip covered it pretty well. Yes, I had those thoughts creep into my mind and still can, just much less frequently these days and they pass pretty quickly. The diesase is powerful. You're getting to see and experience that the diesase is centered in our minds that effect the way we think, feel and behavoir. The alcohol is the last step in the equation- our solution. The only defense that's worked for me is working The Entire Program of AA on a daily basis. The diesase has no defense against God and The AA Program.
Newcomer here,....... I can't remember my first week - Good job alias! I was in the program over 10yrs ago and back again. I did the research, I'm really an acoholic and this disease will kill you. I like what you said Pappy, alcohol can be cunning, baffling and powerful - so true! I remember hearing that alot.
Welcome Rockergothchic! Glad that you made it back. Aliasisme, those urges to drink just prove that you're an alcoholic. The longer that you stay sober the fewer and farther between you will have them. Getting through the first year, through every holiday, season, birthdays etc... is crucial. But the times that we are most vulnerable is when thing go wrong. That's why we work the steps, that's why we develop a relationship with our higher power, to give us the strength to stay sober through the tough times.
