Getting sober, on your own, is statistically challenging, doing so in a dysfunctional relationship, nearly impossible. I had to leave a 6 year marriage and rely on visitation with my 2 year old son, to focus on myself, and getting/staying sober. Alliasisme, most of your focus here is own your BF. Can you see how it's a huge distraction from getting sober? There are so many factors working against you that you can't see, in the dynamics of drinking over relationship issues. If you're not physically living together and are not financially tied to this person, you should consider taking a year off from the relationship and get sober.
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 9th of September 2012 04:43:48 PM
Just looking for another opinion. My boyfriend and I haven't talked since last awful Sunday, just a few texts. He wants to get together tonight to talk. I know hes going to want to talk about what happened last Sunday. I haven't drank since then and spent the beginning of the week hating myself for the things I did. With the help of everyone here and onine meetings and yes I began reading the BB and of course through lots of prayer on my part I have finally reached the point where I am trying not to live in the past and to forgive myself for being horrible while drunk. I need to live for today and I need to move on from the past, which I can't change. What do I do. On one hand I want to talk to him and work it out, I don't want to blow off almost five years and an 18 month old with him but on the other hand I am not sure I am ready to go back to that day. I guess I need some advice. I understand where he is coming from, he is not an alcoholic and no way he can understand the pull I get from alcohol. I know I have hurt him but I feel like a new person this week. Clear. I just don't know what to do.
There doesn't seem to be enough information available to make a good suggestion . . .
What's the purpose of the meeting? A day of reckoning?
If so, your not being ready to handle the difficult issues and emotions involved...does not bode well for you, IMO.
Good luck in whatever you decide to do. And whatever happens, a drink will make it worse.
-- Edited by Tanin on Sunday 9th of September 2012 05:02:41 PM
Alias... you'll know in your heart if it's time to talk to him. Is he going to make you feel better or worse? Is he going to support you, or shun you?
When I got serious about getting sober for ME, and not my husband - some things became very clear. He didn't understand the disease. His threats were the push I needed, but the shunning, and lack of support really hurt.
When I think about it again now because of your post, I'm realizing how freaking unbelievably lucky I was to have what support he did offer. He didn't up and leave me for one. He didn't want to sleep in the same bedroom... but he also didn't kick me out onto the street. Mostly, he was just hurt from the lies, and he just didn't know what to do. He wasn't a professional alcohol abuse counselor, and basically, he thought tough love was the best idea he heard. It was a very very difficult time... but also very freeing. I got to sit by myself and think about how serious this whole ordeal had been. I knew I needed to get sober. I surrendered to the fact that I would never be able to do it alone. Ever.
After a short while of attending meetings, I began to discover and practice relying on a power greater than me. In the beginning, it was just AA as a whole. I was never able to stay sober for any real length of time other than when I was pregnant and a couple other years here and there when I was working a lot or something, but I always went back to eventually. And it was right where I left off very quickly. I would wake up to the 1.75 liter of vodka half gone, and be shocked, but I could always drown out any worries on it, with a fresh bottle.
AA was the only thing that ever kept me sober, so it became my Higher power. From there, I learned how to pray and have a much deeper faith in a very less tangible "thing". Then things really started happening. I got to discover I would be okay with or without my husband, because I was now in the care of God as I understood him. I felt a real sense of peace and belonging to the moment I was in. That I was exactly where I was meant to be, and that God's will would reveal just what I need in life. That didn't mean I didn't want my husband, it just meant I no longer thought I needed him to survive. I didn't have to cling to him like a bug on a windshield anymore. I was free to just be me, and compliment as a wife only can. Not control him like a wife thinks she can. And that doesn't even mean telling he's handsome or a good cook. It just means, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start treating him like I would want to be treated.
I got to let go of the expectations I had for him, and what he should be like for me. I got to see him for who he was, and accept it fully just as it was. I got to learn about him for the first time in 6 yrs... who he was... free of my opinions, nagging, controlling "I know better than you" parenting, evil eyes, etc. And when I let go, and let God, he blossomed into the man I fell in love with. I got to see that guy again. I thought I ruined him. I didn't have that much power as it turns out ; )
It wasn't all the time. Sometimes he still punched a hole in the wall... he was still really angry... but what could I expect? I was a drunk JERK to live with! Plain and simple. And all the while, I thought I was perfect. Slowly, we are progressing, and unrecognizable from the people we were before. Is it perfect - no - far from it! Is it a fairytale... kind of... for me at least. We are closer than I ever knew we could be. We have bad days and work through them as best we can. We are both trying really hard, and I appreciate his efforts so much... even with the random outbursts... they are less and less. I can tell him "hey... you're scaring me" and I would have never stood up for my feelings or expressed them before. So even this terrible thing, is a lot healthier.
Our parenting is 1000 times better... we work together, take turns, back each other up... helps when I'm not passed out drunk somewhere ; )
I can't remember the last time I yelled at my kids, and I used to white knuckle it through 24 hrs - failing repeatedly a couple months ago.
I have friends now too. I had pushed that all away before, now I am a better friend to the "old ones" and I have new ones in AA - a couple anyway. Another thing I thought would never happen.
So really... that saying "keep coming back" - is the key to a better life for me.
Keep coming back Alias : )
-- Edited by justadrunk on Monday 10th of September 2012 10:08:14 AM
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Just looking for another opinion. My boyfriend and I haven't talked since last awful Sunday, just a few texts. He wants to get together tonight to talk. I know hes going to want to talk about what happened last Sunday. I haven't drank since then and spent the beginning of the week hating myself for the things I did. With the help of everyone here and onine meetings and yes I began reading the BB and of course through lots of prayer on my part I have finally reached the point where I am trying not to live in the past and to forgive myself for being horrible while drunk. I need to live for today and I need to move on from the past, which I can't change. What do I do. On one hand I want to talk to him and work it out, I don't want to blow off almost five years and an 18 month old with him but on the other hand I am not sure I am ready to go back to that day. I guess I need some advice. I understand where he is coming from, he is not an alcoholic and no way he can understand the pull I get from alcohol. I know I have hurt him but I feel like a new person this week. Clear. I just don't know what to do.
Personally, I'd talk to him ... sounds like you're ready to admit you have a problem with alcohol ... simply explain to him that you're going to try to make a sincere effort to stop drinking and that you haven't had a drink for a week ... explain that you are not in a position to say you'll never drink again, but that you're joining AA and are making every effort to work the program ... then do it ...
You cannot expect to say you're sorry and things will be okay ... if you've had this problem for a while, it'll take 'seeing to believe' for him to trust your 'word' again ... you need to show him you're serious by attending meetings and by working the program ... in time, if you stay sober, he'll come to trust you again ... be prepared for it not to go well with him, some of our friends and family, depending on what we did to them, find it very hard to forgive us ... so brace yourself ... but never use this as an excuse to drink ... work the program regardless of what happens ... you can't go on drinking without severe consequences ...
There is no problem you'll ever have, that a drink or drug won't make worse ... Say the 'serenity prayer' often throughout the day ...
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ...
courage to change the things I can ...
and the wisdom to know the difference,
Amen
Love ya,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Good points everyone. Its funny because i wasn't thinking about the drinking aspect of it. I have been saying the serenity prayer all week and everytime he didn't call I repeated it. Every night I repeated it, every morning I have started the day with it. He is the part that "I cannot change" meaning, he will feel what he feels and do what he wants and beleive it or not I have accepted that. I know that I have to take care of myself now and the thought of having a drink over him has not occured to me at all. Amazing how that works. What I was worried about mostly was not us but what he will tell me about last Sunday. He will "fill in the blanks" of the day/night. And I know becuase he is so hurt by me he will be okay if he hurts me with the information. I know I was horrible but some of its a blur. I was more worried about myself and hating myself all over again, I know that sounds selfish but I just am not sure if I want to know the whole truth. I don't see how it will help. I already have a mirror to my own self and I didn't like what I saw and I made a commitment to myself and kids to change that. I come from an alcoholic mother and I remember how she used to be and I don't want to be like that ever. I know it was bad and I don't know if the details will help or hurt me.
Oh jeez, I was typing all this when you were putting your post up and hadn't seen it - lol. Oh well, sounds like you've "got it". I didn't want to hear details at first either. You don't have to. There is plenty of time for that, and it's really not necessary in my opinion... if you've already surrendered.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
IThe first assignment I did with my sponsor was to write all the details of my "bottom" out fully. Supposing you do stop drinking for a long time.....I can tell you that after only 4 years (and that makes me still newly sober by a lot of folks' standards in AA), I have trouble really grasping and remembering how bad it actually got. It seems far away now. I'm glad I wrote it down and I have to think of it often in order to keep it in the forefront so that I don't get delusions about drinking again. Personally, the worse you feel about what you did or how you acted the better. I would write it down too because you want this bottom to be your last right? Furthermore, if you are going to do stepwork eventually, many of the steps include taking responsibility and making amends. How will you do that if you don't find out what you did?
The only way to justify not bothering to talk about it is if you think it will send you to such a negative place in your mind, you will drink over it. If you minimize the damage in any way, you are setting yourself up for relapse. My suggestion is to go to some face to face meetings. Get a sponsor and really work on this with them. When I had to face up to some horrible things I did when drinking, I called my sponsor before and after and I went to meetings to really work on changing almost everything about myself. If you think you did something so bad you cannot face it...I can tell you about folks I have seen in meetings who had to go to jail for multiple years over some tragic mistakes they made. When I heard what others went through that was even worse than me, I felt hopeful.
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
wow, thanks tasha, right? a week ago I was exactly where you were and again you said what I needed to hear. Pink chip, so I should suck it up and face the music so to speak. I know what your saying it so right, it makes perfect sense. I am just being a coward i guess. I guess I don't want to hear it maybe I should. (It would be easier if I could have hime write it down and I can look at it when I'm ready lol-but that would be really cowardly) I guess I was thining the step about making amends was much furthur down the line and I didn't think it applied to me at this moment in time until he wanted to talk. It all kind of came forwards to reality rather quickly. I'm still undecided. I need to do some soul searching. I will let you all know what I decided. Thanks for all the input.
Alias, it is further down the line (ammends); however, the part about acknowledging the depth and the scope of your disease is the second part of the 1st step. Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. So...at this point this is just about getting a very clear idea how alcohol makes your life unmanageable. In fact, were I your sponsor, that might be an assignment I would have you relfect upon. Clearly something happened that was way over the line for you in relation to your drinking and its consequences. You are already working step 1 on it and I can tell.
Make sense?
__________________
Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Yes it does make sense but I am just not ready. After making it sober today it will be a full week of sobriety (tommorrow) and maybe tommorrow will bring bravery to it but today I just can't. I told him we needed to postpone the talk. I know it is inevitable but everything has been going so well for me this week I just want that for now. Thank you Pink, I do like your idea for the assignment and about writing everything down. I know it will be beneficial to me and I know I will reach that point and use your assignments on myself, just not today. Today I concentrated on being sober.
In your later steps you will have the opportunity to ask people in what way you've harmed them... and how you can make it right. By that point - I was able to hear it without it being overwhelming.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
There are several classes of amends. One class can be made (and, arguably, should be) early in sobriety. Really, as soon as a new AA is reasonably stable being sober.
Most of us begin to make certain amends, especially to family, from our first days in AA. I did, to my wife
Personally, I'd talk to him ... sounds like you're ready to admit you have a problem with alcohol ... simply explain to him that you're going to try to make a sincere effort to stop drinking and that you haven't had a drink for a week ... explain that you are not in a position to say you'll never drink again, but that you're joining AA and are making every effort to work the program ... then do it ...
You cannot expect to say you're sorry and things will be okay ... if you've had this problem for a while, it'll take 'seeing to believe' for him to trust your 'word' again ... you need to show him you're serious by attending meetings and by working the program ... in time, if you stay sober, he'll come to trust you again ... be prepared for it not to go well with him, some of our friends and family, depending on what we did to them, find it very hard to forgive us ... so brace yourself ... but never use this as an excuse to drink ... work the program regardless of what happens ... you can't go on drinking without severe consequences ...
There is no problem you'll ever have, that a drink or drug won't make worse ... Say the 'serenity prayer' often throughout the day ...
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change ...
courage to change the things I can ...
and the wisdom to know the difference,
Amen
Love ya,
Pappy
Great advice Pappy. I hope your able to work things out.
There are several classes of amends. One class can be made (and, arguably, should be) early in sobriety. Really, as soon as a new AA is reasonably stable being sober.
Most of us begin to make certain amends, especially to family, from our first days in AA. I did, to my wife
Agreed. In regards to the steps, Dr. Bob said that you do what you can when you can.
If he is not an alcoholic and you are in a serious committed relationship with him because you have a child together, it sounds like it's up to you to work the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous just as soon as you can get the willingness, maybe tonight you can start. This is about other people now, not just you...but you want to feel better too. And there is a way out.
So the very next thing is to find the meetings where people are actually doing the work as laid out in that book you're reading and find a sponsor who can guide you through the book. That's where the directions on the 12 steps are although they're not very clear to the eye, which is why we all need sponsors to guide us, someone who has walked the walk before us. You can always pray and ask God to send you a sponsor but match Him with your own willingness and seek. Be open to it when she comes along.
When I reached the place where I had nowhere else to go and I was full of horrific guilt nd shame, that's what I did. And it works. You cannot fail if you give it everything you got.
So we talked. It was as bad as I thought. And of course the guillt and shame came as expected. I re-read a few past posts from other women, mothers who have been where I have been and I know I am not alone. I am trying to put the blame on the alchohol. I know I am a good person and a good mom-wihtout the booze. Not sure what is going to come of us. Sorry just isn't enough and I know it and understand it. I am not on the other side of things so I don't know how he feels, I can see the other side but its not he same. I only know how I feel and I know my struggles. They will be long and hard. I only know that I made it through another day. Rock bottom has come and I am crawling my way out, one step at a time.
Each day you stay sober is a day you are making a "living amend". Tell me all about the meetings you go to, and keep posting. We're here for you. It will get better.
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Alias, some day, in the not too distant future, you will look back and laugh at all of this, and likely if you tell the story in a meeting, they will laugh with you.
It' like the old saying (with a new twist) I got drunk , I fell down, I got sober (worked the 12 steps) no problem.
Alias, my husband left me when I found out he had a porn addiction, along with many other addictions. He convinced my boys to go with him and then put a restraining order on me so I couldn't talk to them. I began drinking more because i couldn't handle the pain of his betrayal. 22 days ago I was admitted into the ER and was diagnosed with pancreatitis. I was told if I have another drink I will die. It's taken me a few weeks, but I know realize I have to get sober for me. My husband never understood the program when I was in the first time, I allowed his way of thinking to interfere with my sobriety and I was miserable. Now look where it got me. My sobriety comes first and i'm going to get my kids back because he's going to be the one whose gonna look unstable. I can now see God's plan clearly. Jeeze, it only took me 10 freaking years! Don't be like me and keep banging your head against the wall.
Great share and good perspective on things ... I banged my head against that wall you referred to for years myself ... and I agree ... it's our 'way of thinking' that needs to change ...
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
