Hey all.. So here I am, working on 4th step, still on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. My emotional maturity is embarrassing at times. I'm completely all over the place some days. Im generally pretty laid back and even- keeled, but every once in a while, MAN am I a train wreck lol. Here's the thing... I grew up in an extremely repressed household. You didn't express ANYTHING, whether good or bad. As I grew into adulthood, I held on to this 'emotions are bad' thing. When I'm angry, it's scary because I simply ' shut down'- nobody can talk to me. Same when I'm sad. Normally, i would like to think I'm pleasant to be around, always cracking jokes and trying to keep everyone else in good spirits. It's frustrating when I can't do the same for myself. It's as though I go to this place that's really dark and full of despair and anger. I remind myself of my father, honestly, when I'm in moods like this. THAT is something I have a really hard time admitting, but for him it was permanent haha. I know working the steps will get me beyond this, but what to do in the meantime? I pray for God to take this ' darkness' away from me. It just scares me.
When I'm angry, it's scary because I simply ' shut down'- nobody can talk to me. Same when I'm sad.
Normally, i would like to think I'm pleasant to be around, always cracking jokes and trying to keep everyone else in good spirits. It's frustrating when I can't do the same for myself.
It's as though I go to this place that's really dark and full of despair and anger.
I know working the steps will get me beyond this, but what to do in the meantime? I pray for God to take this ' darkness' away from me. It just scares me.
Hey Colleen, ...
Try not to 'rent space' in your head for a given situation or person ... if you do, you give that person, or the situation, power over you ... accept that there are simply some things YOU cannot change ... to give them space in your head is just inviting them in to lead you to your dark place ... Don't give them that power over you ...
It's absolutely great, and the right thing to do, to pray over these matters when they visit ... but don't invite them to stay ... admit when you are wrong, ask forgiveness, move on ... OR, depending on circumstances, simply agree to disagree ... Never try to control anothers person's thoughts or actions ... just your own ...
This way, you'll be like a train in a tunnel ... you'll soon travel out of the darkness and into the light ...
Love Ya,
Pappy
__________________
'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Col, you must be making progress because the emotional and personality issues you describe are only gotten to by honest and courageous reflection and openness to truth.
You describe much of my emotional state in the beginning of my sobriety when I started to realize how much I ended up like my mother, a fact that was quite bothersome to me then.
I entered a counseling relationship with a therapist for about two years after I got sober. It definitely helped me, as there was much stuff on my mind not really covered by the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I hear you, Colleen. What you just mentioned is something I struggle with just about every day, mood swings. I guess it's brought on by trust issues mostly, something I have yet to conquer. I just have a hard time dealing with unconscionable people.
My work environment can best be described as utter chaos, mostly due to my superiors. They simply don't care, even though I do. So our worlds sometimes collide. When I try to get to the bottom of a story-which I often do, they just shrug their shoulders and say: Yeah, so what. That part irks me to no end. If A.A. has taught me anything it would be this simple thought: To do the next right thing.
So I'll continue to be a conscious driven employee and my bosses will still shrug their shoulders, but guess what...that's something I can't change. What I can change, though, is how I respond to such adversity. And I have A.A. to thank for that. So doing our fourth step is very important, because it allows us the freedom of moving forward without regret -kind of like my work. I'm able to clear the path so the remaining steps can be done successfully. That's what I call...cleaning house. Now, if someone would only clean house at my work place -that would be a just reward if there ever was one. I just hope your 4th step is as successful as mine. Onward...
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 27th of August 2012 01:47:22 AM
Sounds like your right where you're supposed to be Col. We Alcoholics tend to where our emotions on our sleeves. I see growth in you. Embrace it. Being aware is the first step to change. Uncover, discover and disregard. The 3 A's- Awareness, Admittance and Action- action toward change, which you are doing. Step 4 uncovers, step 5 admittance and step 7 change- We humbly ask God to remove all our defects of character. Upon completion and maintenace of The Steps: you will have emotions, but they won't have you.
Thanks tanin.. And you're right in advising that I discuss these matters outside of AA. I do tend to overshare and it's inappropriate. Thanks:)
No reason one can't discuss certain issues both in AA and elsewhere. Nowdays, a lot of members use therapy in addition to AA to address their recovery. AA has always supported this practice.
However, some AA's oppose it. For reasons that have always escaped me.
My sharing was very emotional for a whole year...lots of dirty laundry being shared in beginners meetings. That was a designated place for that. There was a balance of meetings for me to share vs. listen more. It's okay. You are right where you are supposed to be. I think at about 6 months people started telling me that my shares when from being self pity to being humourous. I didn't see it, but others did.
I also entered into counseling and that helped a lot too. I was making some drastic changes all at once and was trying to continue being a counselor to others at the same time....
You are not always in control of your emotions. None of us are. That is part of being human. The drinking was something I did to control my emotions (self medicating). It's okay to feel whatever you are feeling right now.
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 24th of August 2012 09:17:11 AM
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Thanks pink chip:) I know that I have to ' go through' this process, and it's probably totally healthy and expected, but i still feel just completely crazy sometimes. Pretty much anytime I don't have my emotions well hidden i feel nuts. This is Sooo unhealthy, i realize. Like, I'm not a rock, but I expect myself to be. THATS insane. And it's also growth.
Thanks tanin.. And you're right in advising that I discuss these matters outside of AA. I do tend to overshare and it's inappropriate. Thanks:)
No no no.
Here is the most damaging, destructive phrase in the English language:
"Oh, we don't talk about that". Deadly. Malignant. The coward's anthem.
You know the slogan "do what you did you'll get what you got?" The stuff I never talked about got me here.
If someone's virgin ears may be sullied by a bunch of words they don't like maybe they should take that cotton and put it back in THEIR ears.
In a one hour meeting there is more than enough time to hear it all.
My only rule is...oh, no, I don't have one. My bad.
EDIT---I don't mean to call anyone a coward. I know that fear when I hear the words I can't say myself. Been there, done that, keep my room ready I will probably be back.
But i think we can't anyone "don't talk about..." because it plants a seed, they may not talk about something critical, it may subtly encourage secrecy or denial. And many
people who have suffered some sort of abuse (and many of them do end up addicts) have been told/threatened "don't talk". We can't do that.
I always think of a woman I called "That Carcass". I hated her. In MattLand she would not exists. One day she said "On my way to a meeting i go to work for 8 hours, On my
way to a meeting in the Bahamas i went on a cruise, etc." Straightened me right out. I never would have heard that it MattLand.
-- Edited by mattbox2 on Sunday 26th of August 2012 04:13:39 PM
I must step in here to say that Tanin was NOT advising me not to share certain things. This was my own projection. Haha I'm working on taking things as they are and not putting my own spin on things, which is exactly what I was doing when I posted this response. This was my own interpretation. I simply feel as though i DO need to understand that therapy is the proper forum to discuss certain issues that may not be appropriate for AA.. I'm trying to figure that out. Yes, many issues overlap, but really nobody wants to read posts about certain issues that aren't necessarily AA related. Am I misguided?
I must step in here to say that Tanin was NOT advising me not to share certain things. This was my own projection. Haha I'm working on taking things as they are and not putting my own spin on things, which is exactly what I was doing when I posted this response. This was my own interpretation. I simply feel as though i DO need to understand that therapy is the proper forum to discuss certain issues that may not be appropriate for AA.. I'm trying to figure that out. Yes, many issues overlap, but really nobody wants to read posts about certain issues that aren't necessarily AA related. Am I misguided?
Yes.
Another thing. This forum is not an AA group or meeting (contrary to AA references). It is a recovery-related forum, with many folks talking about AA.
As I said earlier, there is no reason things can't be discussed in AA and here. Internet discussion forums are for, well, they are for discussion.
