Spent several hours in the back corner of perkins getting direction for my 9th step. It felt instantly freeing to talk about this stuff, and truly admit the worst things I've ever done. I didn't talk about a lot of it in my 5th step. It's all out on the table now. WOWOWOWOWOW, now I have a person in this world who knows that very worst thing, and all of the things that take runner up placement.
Most of my stuff was lieing to people. There is a 2 dollar throw blanket that must be returned to a lost and found box at a nursing home, from a job I had in 1999, that will be a 6 hr drive, but I trust in this program and my HP. I still want what you've got.
And today's thoughts were perfect again:
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
I have one request: may I never use my reason against truth. --Elie Wiesel
Honesty with ourselves is a great asset in every situation we confront. The skill to look reality square in the face and call it what it is takes us a good distance toward coping with it. However, many of us also have the skill to spin or rationalize our actions so that we don't have to face something unpleasant. That skill provides us with excuses and evasions but it is the greatest betrayal of our selves. When we use our brain to cleverly cover the truth of our actions, we often believe our own lies, and then we're incapable of rectifying them.
Just as dishonesty builds and grows on itself, so does honesty. We cannot one day decide to be honest and change in a flash because we don't see all of our self-deceit yet. But we can make the decision to be as honest as we know how. Then we will soon be surprised by how much is revealed to us as the fog of our self-deceit lifts and our honesty builds upon itself.
Today I will strive to see reality as it is and not shape it to suit my ego's desires.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Wednesday 22nd of August 2012 07:55:37 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
The 9th step scared the 'poo-poo' out of me ... To actually face those I needed to make amends with ... WOW ... how humbling is that ??? ... But you know what, it was the exact opposite of what my mind convinced me it would be ... When I admitted what I did to harm this person, in person, I said I hoped they could find it in their hearts to forgive me and if not, that was okay too ... But you know what, I didn't have a single negative experience, not one ... everybody was so understanding AND so proud that I had the character to do an amends ... they made me feel like a saint for taking the action to make things right ... and my response was always: I'm trying to do what's right and just ... to say this step was 'character building' is an understatement ... It was 'life changing' ...
If done sincerely, it will lift a 'ton' of bricks off your shoulders and life now will have new meaning ... It becomes a 'way of life' that we wish to maintain ... Why??? ... cause it feels great to not have a worry in the world ... to now know, that God IS doing for us what we could not do for ourselves ...
I love when a plan comes together!!!
Love Ya,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Yes, my first amends went terrible - but I might have done it wrong, I didn't get direction from my sponsor on it, I had done it before "officially" starting my 9th step, and in fact it was on here, where I got no response at all, which was less than desirable, but proved to me that I could do it, and move on, even if I didn't get that "hey no hard feelings" or whatever.
In some ways I realized that, when the person would clearly rather have nothing to do with me, I should just leave it at that, so this small lesson here, was important for some bigger ones on my list last night. The ex I called repeatedly drunk would be a great example of one that was on my list, that doesn't ever have to hear from me again for sure : )
I did call my sister today, and that wasn't super amazing or anything either. Mostly, when I asked her how I affected her, my EXPECTATIONS were that she would tell me terrible things that she had to go through. So I kind of braced myself for it, and instead, she said it was mostly just a learning experience, that mostly she wished there was something she could do... and I got kind of alanon preachy and told her I felt like I could carry dad, and I'm guessing that's how you felt about me and him, and actually, you did the perfect thing, because you stayed healthy and available for when I was ready to get healthy and available. I told her the unconditional love she has shown me meant the world to me. But there was more words than that, and I had to bite my lip and remember what it says in the big book about not getting like that.
It wasn't overly moving, I've apologized to her many times already. So it was a good trial run ; )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Yes, my first amends went terrible - but I might have done it wrong, I didn't get direction from my sponsor on it, I had done it before "officially" starting my 9th step, and in fact it was on here, where I got no response at all, which was less than desirable, but proved to me that I could do it, and move on, even if I didn't get that "hey no hard feelings" or whatever.
In some ways I realized that, when the person would clearly rather have nothing to do with me, I should just leave it at that, so this small lesson here, was important for some bigger ones on my list last night. . .
The 12 & 12 informs of four classes of amends, the first of which includes "those who ought to bd dealt with just as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety." One can make certain amends pretty soon after gdtting sober. And probably should. I made amends to my wife wayyyy before almost all the other steps. The steps of AA don't all have to be done in order.
Making amends can be done from Day 1. Some of them, anyway.
I'm so happy for you Tasha. The 9th step was very liberating for me, even though I felt awkward most of the way. I did everything my sponsor suggested: I wrote letters, apologized to people who I had hurt, paid back some outstanding debts, and I even made an amends to my ex-wife -even though it wasn't necessary. I guess my guilty conscience wouldn't have it any other way. This was just a small taste of what I had to endure.
I made sure the amends was done rather quickly instead of just waiting around. Except, of course, when it required a more practical approach. Sometimes, though, I had to make an indirect amends instead -a direct amends was neither possible nor practical. In other cases, the amends was beyond my limited means. So our willingness can serve in the place of in-action, even if the amends isn't remotely possible.
I just needed to possess the right attitude 'first' before I was able to make my amends -that's all. So I'm grateful the steps were written this way. I had to rummage through some dark emotions early on before I was able to do this step, adequately. But like I said earlier it's been a liberating experience for me ever since. I hope it's as liberating for you. Onward...
~God Bless~
-- Edited by Mr_David on Monday 27th of August 2012 02:06:40 AM
Yes, my first amends went terrible - but I might have done it wrong, I didn't get direction from my sponsor on it, I had done it before "officially" starting my 9th step, and in fact it was on here, where I got no response at all, which was less than desirable, but proved to me that I could do it, and move on, even if I didn't get that "hey no hard feelings" or whatever.
In some ways I realized that, when the person would clearly rather have nothing to do with me, I should just leave it at that, so this small lesson here, was important for some bigger ones on my list last night. The ex I called repeatedly drunk would be a great example of one that was on my list, that doesn't ever have to hear from me again for sure : )
I did call my sister today, and that wasn't super amazing or anything either. Mostly, when I asked her how I affected her, my EXPECTATIONS were that she would tell me terrible things that she had to go through. So I kind of braced myself for it, and instead, she said it was mostly just a learning experience, that mostly she wished there was something she could do... and I got kind of alanon preachy and told her I felt like I could carry dad, and I'm guessing that's how you felt about me and him, and actually, you did the perfect thing, because you stayed healthy and available for when I was ready to get healthy and available. I told her the unconditional love she has shown me meant the world to me. But there was more words than that, and I had to bite my lip and remember what it says in the big book about not getting like that.
It wasn't overly moving, I've apologized to her many times already. So it was a good trial run ; )
Okay WOW, ... you reminded me of some family issues I'd forgotten ... I tried for years to get and stay sober ... I got to the amends point a few times ... at that point, when we make an amends, it carries no weight at all, for them, it's the same ole thing ... then my sponsor said that was just the beginning of the amends, that I would have to do a 'living amends' here ... I asked what is that? ... he said you've lost all trust here and it'll take time to rebuild that, so to them, seeing is believing ... this meant that it may take months or even years to make that amends ...
Other situations, as with an ex-lover, may come under the classification of 'except when to do so would injure them or others' ... We've had numerous examples in our group where a relatively new person got too anxious to do an amends and did not consult their sponsor first ... and the results were poor at best ... We learn to always consult our sponsor on when AND how to do an amends ... they certainly can be done wrong and the results there can indeed be harmful ...
I LOVE that you are relentless in working the program ... would talk to my sponsees ??? ... LOL ... ... ... You just keep heading the direction you're traveling and you'll complete your journey in great shape ...
Love Ya,
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
"Okay WOW, ... you reminded me of some family issues I'd forgotten ... I tried for years to get and stay sober ... I got to the amends point a few times ... at that point, when we make an amends, it carries no weight at all, for them, it's the same ole thing ... then my sponsor said that was just the beginning of the amends, that I would have to do a 'living amends' here ... I asked what is that? ... he said you've lost all trust here and it'll take time to rebuild that, so to them, seeing is believing ... this meant that it may take months or even years to make that amends ... "
I've used living amends to avoid almost every one of my mistakes and actions. And although some of them used properly, I learned that god will let me know when I have to make an apology (like when my sister mentioned the last time I threw a skateboard at her head or when my mom brings up what a 'remarkable' liar I am... "so believable" she says... And I apologise)
Tasha, your doing great. All you can do is fulfill your end of recovery, the rest a up to the other person. Sometimes people need to chew on our apologies, others are so stoic they don't know how to respond and still others are suspicious of our words given our previous actions. But in the end, everything happens the way it's supposed to happen. Good luck and thank you.
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
Tasha, your doing great. All you can do is fulfill your end of recovery, the rest a up to the other person. Sometimes people need to chew on our apologies, others are so stoic they don't know how to respond and still others are suspicious of our words given our previous actions. But in the end, everything happens the way it's supposed to happen. Good luck and thank you.
Great thought for the day and good discussion on the 9th step.
I like what Ruhig mentioned about fullfilling our end of recovery, thus working to clean up our side of the street. In the end "living amends" are the key, most of the issues we can't just say a few words and correct the past.
Like it states in the book, we make restitution where possible, and let people know what we are doing to change our lives and behavours. If people have listened to us talk, we owe them the courtesy to listen to thier respose if they have one. I was always told to never get caught up in their reaction or lack thereof, this step is not about anyones reaction or any conversation, it's about doing what we need to do and moving on.
Looking back the best thing I learned from this step is to honestly look at my behavour, not whether "you" where wrong or how I could justify my wrongful actions, rationalizations and defensiveness.
It also allowed practice for promptly admitting when I was wrong in the future, and gave me courage to deal with issues as an adult moving forward.
Most if us really can't even begin to rectify all the past harms we have done just by doing this step, I think it's the practice of looking at our behavours honestly and learning to admit and correct harms to others that we need to embrace.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Most if us really can't even begin to rectify all the past harms we have done just by doing this step, I think it's the practice of looking at our behavours honestly and learning to admit and correct harms to others that we need to embrace.
The Big Book and the 12 & 12 tells us that we there are some wrongs we can never fully right. But there are many that we can, probably most. We live in a society which values forgiveness and amends.
I agree that reflection upon our wrongs and admission directly to the wronged is essential in our progression as responsible human beings. It is good for us. And good for others. There really isn't much difference between step 9 and step 10. The could easily be combined. Philosophically, they are part of the same process.
