Ive got an issue raising its head.Its not an Im going to go out and drink issue but it is a quality of life issue.I wanted to throw it out there and see what I get back.
My wife and I love animals.As a matter of fact, that love has affected us sufficiently that we are both vegetarians.On December 1st my wife returned home from prison after twenty-four years.One of the things she looked most forward to upon returning home was to have a puppy and so, for Christmas, I gave her a voucher for a puppy from the human society and later that day we had an addition to the family.Now for the issue:
I hate this dog.I cannot find a single thing I like about him not one.My wife absolutely loves him though and cant find a single thing she doesnt like about him.Okay, thats not entirely true.I like that she gets enjoyment out of him despite not figuring out how that is possible and she doesnt like that he is having a negative effect on my quality of life.Because he is a positive in her life, I would really like to like this dog but cant figure out how.
Incidentally, this is not a training issue.My wife trained dogs in prisonthis particular breed actually.The problem is, and my wife agrees, is that he spent waaaaay too much time in the birth canal and is brain damaged.Shes done everything in her power to train him but hes just not mentally up to the task.
Here was yesterday, which is pretty typical: Went to sleep at midnight and up at 8am for work.75 pound puppy barked six times throughout the night at a car going by waking us up each time.Went down for coffee and he tripped me going down the stairs because he wants to be underfoot continually.He licked me non-stop for twenty minutes while I nursed my first cup of coffee.Literally, never came up for air for twenty minutes remarkable actually.Weve been trying to curb this behavior for months and I simply gave up.Yes, I know youre supposed to not give up but after two or three months without any visible progress.Im human.
I left work at 5:30pm and pulled into the driveway at 5:42pm.My wife would not have taken him out to go to the bathroom at that moment but neither of us knew when Id be getting home as my hours fluctuate.Again, I pulled into the driveway at 5:42pm and I was able to reach the end of my driveway to park by 5:56pm because for fourteen minutes he ran in front of the car, around the car, jumped onto the car, etc. despite my wifes best efforts to get him to get out of the way.She finally got a grip on his collar and he pulled and yanked as I got out of the car until he broke away and pounced, muddying my work clothes to a point that I just may have to buy a new shirt.It is not the first new shirt Ive bought.
Then we went through the little dance we go through to give my wife a hug and kiss.Finally managing it amidst constant buffeting by the dog as he jumped on us, head butted us, etc.We left to go to a meeting together and afterwards I suggested a second meeting.When my wife told me that she was tired and would much rather go home I found myself stopping for coffee so that I could wake up enough to drive home.Here I was completely exhausted, enough so that I couldnt even drive home without another cup of coffee but I was trying to stay out because frankly, I hate going home because he is there.
This is my second attempt at this post because he jumped up on the computer at one point and shut the thing off, has landed on my keyboard three or four times during this post, etc.My wife has drug him out of the computer room a dozen times in the last fifteen minutes but as soon as she lets him go he runs back.Forget eating in peace, putting him outside just destroys the door and terrorizes the neighbors with his crying, having an unmolested moment with my wife is out of the question anywho, it would be easier to accept him if I could get some sleep once in a while but after eight months with him Im suffering from sleep deprivation.
I cant tell you how much my wife loves this dog and despite that she has offered to get rid of him because of how my quality of live is deteriorating but frankly, I cant live with the guilt of taking something away from her that she loves so much prison did that to her for twenty-four years.So, Im trying to figure out how to live with this dog find something I like about him (besides the obvious my wife loves him) or at the very least, tolerate him without having to move out.
This topic is out of my league, Angel. but it seems that 8 months of giving it your best shot, there might be a place where damaged dogs can be a part of a training program and come home on weekends. your relationship with your wife is more important than her having a dog, but that discussion is between you and your wife. keeping your mind open and your mouth shut is a sign of working the steps, but honest discussion is important, too. wishing you the best of luck, dear. jj/sheila
Seriously, though, I empathize with your situation, Angell. The only thing I can think of is communication of how you feel with your wife.
Good luck and thanks for sharing this real world problem. I do recall, now, that Scott Peck had some interesting things to say about humans "loving" pets. In the Road Less Traveled, he explained why the better word for the human-pet relationship is "cathect," not "love." I don't know if that helps.
LMAO ... ... ... My first thought was how to get a couple of 'stiff drinks' into this Pup ... LOL ... They have these 'anxiety pills' for dogs, I think, and I've considered them for my dog on occasion but haven't tried them ... Guess we really don't want to make your dog a 'druggie' but WOW ... I don't know, then you'd wind up getting him into NA ... LOL
You may have to try the "P" word ... Patience ... If it's really just a pup, then it's hopefully something it will outgrow ... As far as getting 'intimate' with the little lady, WOW, think I'd have to 'hog-tie' the bugger somewhere for a little while .... LOL
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
We rescued a puppy that had some issues. Our fix was to get a second dog. It helped with some of the issues. Dogs are social pack animals. Sometimes, only a dog can fix a dog.
Do not get the dog "Puppy Uppers". Angel, I had a similar issue and I went back to the pound, paid the dog's fee for the next owner, and picked out another. If you can get your wife to go with that, it worked well for me.
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
I know you're not searching for permission to hate the dog. That's something I would do.
I had this experience, and it was my children who I was going to hurt if I let the puppy go. In the end, it was just unhealthy for all of us, and it was the responsible choice for us and the dog... remember, we need to consider what's best for the dog too, and it doesn't sound like you and your wife are a good fit for this one. It's kind of like one of those "if you truly love it, you'll let it go" things. I think the dog deserves a fair chance with a family that will help it through it's mental "issues", because from what you describe, especially the licking constantly, this dog does need some professional help to get "unstuck", and if you and your wife can't truly offer that right now in your life, then it's not fair to that dog either.
Thanks for reaching out here, it's great to hear from you : )
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
"...despite that she has offered to get rid of him because of how my quality of live is deteriorating..."
If it were me I would take her up on it and get another dog (after a trial weekend with it first)!!
My perspective is that it is mostly unfair to the dog, because if it ain't working, it ain't working and the negative consequences down the road could truly be horrible for the pooch, your relationship with your wife and vice-versa, as well as the serenity that is essential to maintain sobriety. And Buspar for anxiety-ridden dogs is seriously expensive.
is the dog alone much during the day ? he sounds like he needs more activity and companionship other than you and your wife .you need to find a way to tire him out . I know it's a pain but talk about unconditional love . maybe talk to a trainer or check on dog training web sites .
I know your wife is a trainer, but I also know therapists children tend to be nuts .she may be too close to the dogto train him affectively
I cant tell you how much my wife loves this dog and despite that she has offered to get rid of him because of how my quality of live is deteriorating but frankly, I cant live with the guilt of taking something away from her that she loves so much prison did that to her for twenty-four years.So, Im trying to figure out how to live with this dog find something I like about him (besides the obvious my wife loves him) or at the very least, tolerate him without having to move out.
Suggestions?
First, I'll say that we we have had some animal problems also. We two cats, one just could not stay quiet and could not help but wake us up in the middle of the night. I put her in the garage every night and had to devise a way to slide a piece of plywood over the pet door to keep her from breaking out. It's been a few years of doing this, If I happen to forget to take her out it's the nightly wake up.
I say First things First. If your quality of life, serenity and realationship with your wife is deteriorated, you have to make a move and try another dog.
First, in this kind of state it is difficult for you to be of use and service to your wife and all others around you. If your wife loves you she won't want to see you miserable, she probably does, thus she is giving you the ability to make the decision. If the tables where turned, would you want to keep a dog that made your wife miserable?
I know your wife loves this dog, but I'm sure she loves all dogs.
Get over any "people pleasing" guilt you may have, it's not justified. 'Accept what we cannot change, courage to change the things we can and the wisdom to know the difference". Pray for courage and take the action and don't regret it.
I hope this can help.
Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
I very much appreciate the willingness and kindness of everyone to share. There seems to be a general consensus, though not unanimous, that I consider getting rid of the dog. I don't believe that is the aswer and I want to share on that. If you disagree with my thinking or interpretation, please share more on the subject.
So here's my thinking: I have a daily reprieve from the disease of alcoholism contigent on the maintainance of my spiritual program. Dr. Paul's contribution to the Big Book resulted in one of the most of-quoted passages within it: When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
My problem is not the dog - my problem is my reaction to the dog being exactly as he is supposed to be. It's my attitude, my lack of acceptance and my problem. If I ask my wife to sacrifice something that enriches her life because it is easier than doing the work necessary to reach a place of acceptance and tolerance, then I am being selfish in my opinion - and by indulging in selfishness is the opposite of what I am aspiring to.
Anywho, please believe that each and every contribution to this thread has helped - if only to, in forming a response, solidify my thinking which was kind of murky and disoriented. Now if you think I'm missing something - I hope to hear some more from you. Thanks for being a sounding board for me.
Incidentally, I wanted to address some of the comments. First, my wife and I have talked about this issue first - she's my best friend and our relationship is immune to this - regardless of what we decide to do. We pet sat another dog for three months and really, it didn't help alot. He just got insecure at any attention the other dog recieved and demanded more attention. Too, he gets alot of exercise - at least two hours a day.
To Tanin: I am Peck fan and agree with his word choice; in fact, I agree with his word choice for most human-human relationships too. :)
You can forgive, accept and there can still be dislike and a valid reason to unhook from things that harm you.
Once your in a place of pure forgiveness, and acceptance, you are free and you know when you're there. In my opinion, that doesn't mean we have to like something and subject ourselves to the harm it causes us.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
