hey peeps. i'm quite shaken up right now and thought al-anon is the best place i can turn to for advice on this. i may post this on AA too to get advice from recovering AAers. hope that's ok. i've just discovered my fiancé (recovering) has a bit of a criminal past. i knew about one thing that happened (DUI) but i didnt know, he had also assaulted someone. i found this out through gooogle, not him, he has never told me of the latter incident.i'm feeling scared, the love of my life, the man i am marrying has not only kept this a secret, but that he is capable of assault, someone who ive always seen as gentle, sensitive and wouldnt raise their hand to anybody. i dont know what kind of assault though or on who. but this happened when he was drinking years ago and had experienced something very traumatic, which sent him off the rails with his drinking
under the circumstances, (he was in the depths of alcoholism, traumatised by something that happened) do you think i should worry about this. he pleaded guilty,and received a suspended jail sentence. i guess i'm just in shock and freaked by it, i would neevr have thought it. he told me he's never been in any fights.i'm thinking he hasnt told me about it out of shame/embarrassment and not wanting me to know that about him, and i suppose also there's no need to tell me as it was before we met too. is it possible that he acted like this purely because of the alcoholism/deep upset he went through at the time? that it's not actually a true reflection? this also comes as a bit of a blow as i think, how well do i really know him.
Hi:) welcome! Listen, I have done many, many things I am deeply embarrassed about when I was drinking. I've never assaulted someone, though I DID have a really bad, insane habit of " stalking" and harrassing guys I was involved with. Pretty much if I felt I had been disrespected or slighted by a man, I would call and text him like a crazy psychobitch. Criminal charges were threatened more than once. I broke into a guys house because he broke up with me!! Yes, really. Ok. When sober, I am known as a calm, cool and collected person who Is the one my coworkers and friends look to when things are chaotic to get things back on course. Drunk? I'm an insane person.. A lunatic. If your fiancé is serious about his recovery program, and is sober.. He could very well be a different person than when he assaulted someone. I know that I would NEVER tell some of the crazy, stupid things I'd done for fear of someone I'm involved with being scared off.. Just my take. He's probably ashamed, and you're part of his new life:)
In the criminal justice system, assault has a broad definition and it is possible that he hasn't gotten into any fights as he said. It is also true that he may have been dishonest with you. A third possibility is that he has forgotten about it.
Personally, I would be more concerned that he lied to me than the assault itself. It is my opinion, that anyone can become violent given the right circumstances...and most will never know this about themselves.
I would ask him about it. I know it will look bad on you for doing the digging but your relationship needs to be built on trust. If the relationship is as good as you say and if it's meant to be, you guys will talk it out. Nothing we say or the folks on the alanon board will really explain it better than he can.
We all acted in ways wer are ashamed of when drinking. Sometimes that version of me seems so far away that I don't even recognize myself as the same person.
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Col - thank you, this actually makes me feel loads better!That sounds exactly like him. especially the sober bit, being everyone's go-to-guy, he's always the voice of reason, gives great advice and is wise beyond his years. I met him when he drank and went out with him to a bar a couple times. one day we were there for about nine hours, and i could physically drink no more but he kept buying me drinks, then when i left he called me literally about 40 times wanting me to come out again. just shows the obsessive nature of the illness and it's behaviour he wouldnt exude when sober.
he's told me plenty of stories about things he done when he drank (he used the word lunatic too) but never about an assault, and i do think it's because of shame and the fear of scaring me off - and it's in his past, i'm sure he wants to leave it there- hes got such a big heart, very very caring so it makes me wonder what other secrets he has. i really feel there's a lot of things i don't know about him.but i guess in a way they don't totally concern me as i have never been affected (not by violence anyway, the worst he's done after an argument is sulk with me big style and behave like a baby! which can be very painful to be honest....) he's always been loving and kind except when 'irritable restless discontent' from lack of meetings as he has a new job that doens't give him as much time as he really needs.
come to think of it, i remember talking to him one day, i can't remember how the conversation went but i think i was telling him how proud i was of him/he's an amazing person and he said there's things he's done that he's not proud of, but wouldn't say at all what he had done. he's told me lots of things he's done during his drinking days but he wouldn't tell me this, he said 'you really don't want to know' i'm guessing this is it.
Stepchild: Thank you. I've know him around three-and-a-half years, when i met him he was a drinker, even then he was always just the chatterbox, he never got rough or angry when drinking (at least not anytime i drank with him, though he drank for a few years before this too) he's been sober three years, loves AA and spirituality.
Angell: Yeah assault doesn't necessarily mean he was in a fight, but it's not knowing anything about it that's made me concerned, what kind of assault?on who? i don't like the dishonesty, though there's things about me he doesn't know, nor would i want to tell him, just because it was behviour out of character and not 'me' and i wouldn't want him to think that it was so, maybe he's the same. though mine wasn't a crime! i defintely think he is ashamed.
pinkchip: I know talking to him would be the best way about it but i just know if i was to bring it up he'd turn it all round onto me, he's very good at that... i'm all for talking things through and think it's the best way, but in this instance i think i ought to keep schtum (for a quiet life really!!!) i don't think it would be a calm discussion, i predict he'd just turn it round on me.
-- Edited by swiftshift on Wednesday 8th of August 2012 07:09:33 AM
I think you need to clear the air about this incident. Why? There's lives at stake here, that's why. The only way I see this happening is by asking him, point blank. Don't come off as being judgemental though, just ask him plainly...what happened. Then see how he reacts. If he reacts emotionally or lashes out in anger than you might want to change direction from there. However, if he acts politely and comes off clean without incident then your good to go. It's only my take though, so just be careful how you proceed. It can mean the beginning of a healthy relationship or the end of one. So proceed with caution. I hope this helps.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Friday 10th of August 2012 02:03:59 AM
