Question. My spouse is in Al-Anon and I'm in AA. My spouses's Al-Anon sponsor has a spouse who's an alcoholic attending the same AA meetings as I am. I love my group hall (location) and cannot afford to leave but, I wonder since the alcoholic spouse has been sober a lot longer than I, would said spouse ever share information with their Al-Anon-member spouse or my spouse if I said I drank again? In other words, does anyone ever get "turned in" for admitting they drank?
Not everyone will respect both the 'total honesty' and 'total anonymity' creeds ... I'd just tough it out for a while and see if my anonymity is being broken or not ... not a comfortable position to be in, for sure ... but if you can out last the reason for concern, then you'll care less and less about it ... cause sobriety will become a way of life ... and your life an open book for everyone to see ...
By the way, welcome Tomato C
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Welcome Tomato Chowder...Glad to have you with us. It's a program based on complete honesty....The way I look at it...I'd have to admit it...And I'd tell my spouse anyway....The most important thing for me would be...God would know. Total honesty....It doesn't work without it.
Maybe I'm missing the boat here...But if you were afraid your spouse was going to find out you drank from someone else...Wouldn't the right thing to do be....Tell your wife first?
-- Edited by Stepchild on Tuesday 7th of August 2012 06:11:39 AM
Generally speaking we don't break each others anonymity, especially at group level in another program, why not ask this person to respect your anonymity and tell the truth both? I have never seen this happen personally, especially if the person in question is approached and asked, however, that being said, this IS a program of rigorous honesty, lying and being sober don't really work well together, we get sober on honesty, not lies
I HAVE seen it happen inadvertently, ie; "Sorry to hear your husband drank again, how you holding up?" like that
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
Generally speaking we don't break each others anonymity, especially at group level in another program, why not ask this person to respect your anonymity and tell the truth both? I have never seen this happen personally, especially if the person in question is approached and asked, however, that being said, this IS a program of rigorous honesty, lying and being sober don't really work well together, we get sober on honesty, not lies
I HAVE seen it happen inadvertently, ie; "Sorry to hear your husband drank again, how you holding up?" like that
I second LinBaba's motion, that was exactly what I was thinking. Nothing should ever be said, but it is always good to remind those of your concern.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
from personal experience. I went to see a member of long standing as my marriage was breaking down. This member's wife is Alanon and had 2 more years than him. My ex wife had started to attend alanon (a desparate last roll of the dice as it turned out, she was not really interested.)
The AA members wife opened the door to my knock. Her first words to me were 'the Yellow card works in this house.'
That means, she went on to say, that whatever you and my husband talk about stays between you two. What ever me and your missus talks about stays with us. You don't ask me about her, I won't tell you anything. If she asks me about you, I won't tell her anything.
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
In alanon they typically focus on getting better regardless of whether you are drinking or not. It wouldn't be the focus of alanon to be detectives about your drinking. They actually discourage all that checking and focusing on you instead of themselves. If you are a real alcoholic and seriously relapsed, it would be obvious to your wife anyhow within a short period of time.
The question about anonymity is interesting but hairsplitting because that situation would rarely arise (a real alcoholic relapsing and being able to hide it for a sustained amount of time) and if it did, why hide it from your spouse anyhow?
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Great and insightful response Mark. Not having much experience of Alanon, i'd forgotten that they 'typically focus on getting better regardless of whether you are drinking or not. It wouldn't be the focus of alanon to be detectives about your drinking. They actually discourage all that checking and focusing on you instead of themselves. '
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It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got. BB
"In alanon they typically focus on getting better regardless of whether you are drinking or not."
I think that this above quote actually 'clicks' or makes some sense in my mind now. I've heard it several times before from my spouse. When I am concerned about my spouse whenever they say they are going to an Al-Anon meeting for them, and "not for me", I get concerned. Undoubtedly, my spouse is seeing my concern(s) as being what it IS on my part. I'm being selfish, self-centered, and egotistical. Rather than focusing in on my spouse's well-being, I'm being more 'concerned' about me.
Finally, that quote is sinking-in and once I read it here, I can understand and appreciate it now whereas I take it for granted whenever my spouse says it. I am, and let me say again, I AM doing what I can with my own sobriety (and mental health / other issues) so far for now, but it's a long and hard road to travel as most of you already know. But I do, and will KEEP COMING BACK to my meetings, period. It's difficult to understand what the future holds in my own life, but like anyone reading this, you're worth the best that you can be and do, just like I'm in the process of doing.
Thanks again, friends.
-- Edited by Tomato Chowder on Sunday 12th of August 2012 06:07:14 PM
