Need friends

desi2222 · Member

Need friends

StPeteDean · MIP Old Timer

Hi Cindy, Welcome back! You're amongst family here. Pull up a chair and stay awhile.

desi2222 · Member

Thanks Dean, I am hoping that eventually I will feel apart of. But thank you for welcoming me back.

stayhumble · Senior Member

It's a We program, not an I program! When I came in I thought to myself, my way isn't working. What do I have to lose to ask for some guidance and just do the deal? I want to be better and getting a sponsor and gaining some HOPE in meetings and from others help me to move forward. HOW? Honesty, Openmindedness, Willingness.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Cindy, ... ... ... Glad you're here ...

I suggest meetings ... lots and lots of meetings ... the people you'll meet there are just like yourself, so you'll feel comfortable ... ask one of the ladies to get you a phone list and when you go home the first evening, call everyone on that list ... just say you're checking to be sure the number is correct and working and also say that you just want to thank them for being on the list ... it's a great way to break the ice ...

Read the 1st 164 pages of the BB ... the book called 'Alcoholics Anonymous' ...

Hey, I was a chronic relapse'r too ... ... ... and AA was the solution for me ... the local AA group quickly became my 2nd family ... But you gotta do this for you, not just the grand-kids ...

Love Ya and God Bless,
Pappy

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Cindy...Glad you found us here. I was the same way when I came into AA....I didn't think I could make friends with any of these people. This is what worked for me....I picked one meeting....Made it my homegroup and went 90 days straight to that meeting....What lengths was I willing to go to?....I would have crawled there if I had to. I wanted this so bad I was willing to do anything. I did a lot of praying...I didn't pray people wouldn't answer the phone....I'd pray that I had the strength and courage to talk when they answered. I prayed to help me find a good sponsor...And I prayed to be honest...Openminded and willing enough to do those steps.....Most important...I prayed not to drink that day. The more you show up at that same meeting...The more people will see you are serious about this...The more people will reach out to you...And the more you will reach out to them....This is an ACTION program Cindy....They don't even use the word action till you get to step four....So steps one, two and three will get you nothing...I guess you know that. Get a sponsor...Pray and get into action....The rest will all fall into place....And you can have a life you never dreamed possible....That's what they told me...And that's what I got. I'm glad you are here Cindy...You have friends here....Keep reading and posting.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

And congrats on 12 days!!....Don't let go of that!!!

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

StPeteDean wrote:
Hi Cindy, Welcome back! You're amongst family here. Pull up a chair and stay awhile.

Amen Dean. Welcome to "MIP" Cindy, were here to help.

nezyb · Senior Member

Hi Cindy, congrats on 12 days and welcome !!!
"I leave the old friends, aquaintances and surroundings and I am left with me." I can relate to this part of your post, especially only being left with myself when I took away the alcohol. I didn't have to leave behind old friends, aquaintances because I had none. I drank alone, at home. It was a real problem being left with me, because I didn't know who I was. And the person I thought I was was not someone I liked very much.
I did the "AA waltz" for a while too. Steps 1, 2, 3, slip, Steps 1,2,3 slip..... Couldn't figure it out, why couldn't I stay stopped?
Ohhhhhh..... I never did Steps 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 or 12. In that order. With a sponsor.
IMHO, one of the greatest gifts we receive when we do the steps is a renewal of ourselves. Through faith and fellowship, I feel I have been reborn. I am again finding out who I am, and guess what? I am learning to forgive myself for my past, forgive others, and live in the here and now. I am learning to not only like myself, but love myself. All of this and more, at 52. Who knew? Not me, not before I could reach out and say "I need help" All I had to do was ask.
For me, it isn't easy, but it is very simple. Meetings, sponsor, steps, service. Much better than 1,2,3, slip, 1,2,3 slip.
Keep on trying. Go to a meeting, pray for your HP to direct your thinking, and share. You just might save someone else's life by doing so, and get yourself back in the bargin. Peace

Closer · Member

Welcome Cindy!

gonee · MIP Old Timer

Welcome.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

welcome

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

desi2222 wrote:
. . . I don't know how to make friends. Please can anyone help me, give me suggestions how to overcome this.
I would appreciate any suggestions, ...

Actually, you've made friends here arleady. By reaching out.

Thank you for reaching out. Keep it up.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Welcome! Glad you are here. You talk about doing things wrong but you definitely described doing something right in that at least you keep coming back. You stated you were unable to ask for a sponsor and unable to make friends. These things can change. You are able. This time just reach a little further outside your comfort zone. All of use are relapsers by nature. We all tried countless ways to try and get sober until we finally did whatever it took. It seems like you already identified 2 crucial things that you haven't done in AA (getting a sponsor and engaging in more fellowship/building a sober support network). For me, I had to do the things I was most afraid of in order to be free.

desi2222 · Member

I just wanted to say thank you all for welcoming me and also for the encouraging words and suggestions. Today is day 13 by the Grace of God. I went to a noon meeting and after praying last night, this morning and before it was my time to share, I took your advise Deborah (Harobed 2) do you mind if I call you Deborah, I am not sure if I am supposed to go by profile name or user name, anyway I took your advise and shared about not having a support network, having anxiety to talk to people one on one, isolation, and then going back out. Well 3/4 of the way through the meeting a girl walked up and not only gave her and 2 other girls number but actually wrote me a note, the note to me was such an icebreaker, it actually made me cry, to think she would take the time out to write not just her number but to tell me it was going to be ok and gave a few suggestions.

I didn't scoot out at the end of the meeting like I usually do, I went up to the three girls that were on the phone list to thank them for their numbers. I could feel in my heart this was going to be a different experience, it was like God took me by the hand like a parent would a young child, and led me to meet new friends. We talked for about 15 - 20 minutes after the meeting with no anxiety, only excitement. They were just like me, I don't mean to say we are not all alike in many ways in which brought us to recovery, I mean their personalities were such a fit, it was like I was talking to people I have known for a long time. It was a wonderful experience. I am going to a meeting with the 3 of them tomorrow night. God is good, no not good, awesome. First He brought me to this board, and He lead each and everyone of you to give me encouragement and suggestions that worked for me today, which will allow me to stay sober one more day. I want to thank each and every one of you. For the first time in my life I felt apart of.

Again thank you and God Bless

Cindy

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Beautiful...That's how it works...Just let it keep working!

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey Cindy, ... ... Thanks for posting today ... ... it's just what I needed ...

God Bless,
Pappy

mich · Senior Member

Hi Cindy... I just got here last week and everyone here is awesome. Stick around you are welcome and cared for here. I am struggling with talking and with calling people right now. We are so used to being put down in our own minds we couldn't possibly think someone, anyone would want to talk to us or like us. Almost a week later and I am opening up thanks to everybody here, meetings, honesty, and lots of prayer... You got here because of your HP. Listen. Thanks for your posts. Need friends... you got one here :)

desi2222 · Member

Thanks Mich I am so glad I stumbled upon this site, it is so comforting, like I had mentioned in my first post I have a hard time talking to people face to face in sobriety, but I have to say posting comes easy, and it is nice to see the feedback from people who have been here before me, and who are newbies like me. And what you said "We are so used to being put down in our own minds we couldn't possibly think someone, anyone would want to talk to us or like us" is exactly how I feel. I can remember feeling that way even before I became an alcoholic, I believe that is why after I took my first drink and it gave me so much courage that I continued. I had no problems striking up conversation with strangers no matter where I went, I had no fear of anyone any where, I had no problems being the funny one, the life of the party, then you take the booze away and I have so much insecurity and bad tapes that play over and over in my mind. As I sit here even now, I am grateful that I don't have to take a drink over my fears and insecurities today. However I still have fear in knowing now I have to find out who I am, who did God intend me to be before I became an alcoholic. I have such remorse over the years I spent running away from myself and am now left at 51 trying to figure out where do I go from here. I was laid off Monday, working hours is usually the only time I didn't drink towards the end, now I am left with no job and so much time on my hands. I guess maybe though if I really think about it, this could've been God's plan for me. I had no idea I would be sober when I got laid off, I do know when I found out I was getting laid off (they gave us 6 months notice), thinking wow am I going to have a lot of drinking time. I knew if I didn't make a plan I would die. It has to be the work of God that I decided to give AA another try, because if it was left up to me this lay off would have just been another reason to get drunk. I praise God that I am here today sober and not sitting on a bar stool or in my room drinking til who knows how many hours since I wouldn't have had a reason to care how I was going to feel when I got up for work. I know I am rambling so I will end on this note, I again want to thank everyone who has responded, I look forward to reading others posts and also getting to know others.

Thank you and God Bless

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

I like this thread :) Good progress!!!

mich · Senior Member

Hey Cindy... Mich here again. Sorry about your job. Harobed 2 is right... Don't drink at all, NO MATTER WHAT! It is not worth it. It will only make things worse. What you need to know is that your posts have kept me sober yesterday and today. So now you can't drink because there is someone here that needs you. Keep posting. Keep venting as long and as much as you need as long as it keeps you sober. I am on here all day. You can do it. If you can do it I can do it. I have 8 days... let make it more. You can do this!

desi2222 · Member

Hey Mich, congrats on the 8 days. Well I didn't pick up the phone like I was planning too. I am disappointed in myself but tomorrow is another day. I praise in anyway, because right now I don't think I have much to offer, but it was still awesome to read. The support I have received on this board in such a short time is amazing. I think to myself, I can't wait to read more from others new and from people with some time behind them. It really does help a lot. Thanks for your post Mich. You can also do this.

Thank you and God Bless.

Col · MIP Old Timer

Hey desi!! Welcome aboard:) I have been reading this thread and have to say that I think and feel many of the things you have shared here. I'm new to this.. First time sober , though. I, too, have a difficult time believing people in aa WANT to talk to me, be my friend, or that I have anything valuable to contribute. I feel just totally awkward calling people who's # I have been given. It seems easy, right? I do know that i have to involve myself more on the social level, and reach out for connections with people in the program. Frankly, I'm more terrified of relapsing because I'm not using the tools of aa than I am terrified of calling a stranger. I force myself to do it until I feel comfortable with people:) we can be M.I.P. forum friends!

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

I'll tell you one thing I had to do when I came into AA....I had to get out of my comfort zone...That meant doing things I wasn't crazy about doing....But I had to do them. When I came into AA my comfort zone was isolating myself....That had to go...This disease wants to get me alone...I can't have that happen. What lengths am I willing to go to...To make this work?....Any lengths.

desi2222 · Member

Hey Col you are so right in your comment, "Frankly, I'm more terrified of relapsing because I'm not using the tools of aa than I am terrified of calling a stranger" I am going to play that in my mind over and over again, I am going to make that phone call tomorrow. I should be the poster child for chronic relapser and it was all to do with not using the tools in AA. I need to be reminded why I only have 14 days when I have been in and out of the program since I was 25. I couldn't put much time together and then would go out for a little while and come back, back and forth, back and forth. I have to really look inside myself, if I am going to take this as serious as I know I should because I have a serious disease that WILL kill me. I have come close before. If I don't change nothing changes, thanks for that reminder. I should be scared straight (sober) because I was in the darkest place in my life out there and it wasn't too long ago. I don't know what it is going to take, maybe just reading these posts and realizing, I need to step up and take responsibilty for my recovery, go to meetings and continue to pray. I was such a slacker in my past experiences with AA. I would be gung ho in the beginning and then slide right back into being, maybe over confident, thinking I am different, oh man I sound ridiculous even saying it, but I would actually think I didn't need that many meetings as others, just as long as I maintained, I didn't need a sponsor, I had a bad experience with one, and that was it for sponsorship. STOP, I need to STOP and listen. I need to do just what you all are doing. My heart says I really want this, my head in the beginning agrees, but then it creeps up on me again, the words that I am not as sick, that I don't need as much. Then before I know it, it is usually just a glass of wine, then within weeks maybe a month I am off and running. Man I am a little depressed right now. I think I need to go and pray, however once again thank you for this board and thank you Col for you post.

God Bless.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

That's a great post Cindy....It's like a light is going on.

Col · MIP Old Timer

Yeah!! I FINALLY posted something useful;) haha.. Man, it's not easy, I can see the "overconfidence" being detrimental for sure ( like you think you've got this thing licked). I've found this forum invaluable.. Lots of wisdom and experience here. Stepchild is right, isolation will destroy you.. I'm an isolationist. I have been since I was a young kid.. Sure I can play nice with the other kids but I'd rather be alone most times. THAT "natural" tendency has done be very little good throughout my life. Once again, Stepchild is right on when saying we have to force ourselves to break out of the comfort zone.. Too much time alone is downright dangerous

desi2222 · Member

And Stepchild you are right on point, I have to get out of my comfort zone. I am not sure what lengths I am willing to go. I always think I am willing to go to any length when I first come in. What I don't understand, the relapses I have had, have been such bottoms. I know there can always be worse but they were true bottoms each and everytime, I was desperate, I was lonely, I was isolated, I have lost so much from this damn disease and I am now 14 days sober and still haven't called one number. I am now kind of disgusted in myself knowing this behavior is what is going to put me back out there. I don't have many out there left, I don't even know if I would make it back. I am not crazy, I know this, I know what needs to be done, I have been around long enough to see how it works for others who actually work the program. It is the comfort zone, I have never gotten out of my comfort zone for all of these years. I have got to break free of this. I have to trust God, as I did when I went up to the women who freely gave me their numbers. Why didn't I follow through? I said well I will try tomorrow, I had the time, I had the access, I don't know what it is going to take.

Well I am more confused now, not due to anything anyone has posted, but I am confused at how I can know what I know, and see what I have seen in myself working a 1, 2, 3 slip program, and I still haven't gotten it. I think if I keep getting into my own head right now I am going to discourage myself. So like I said I am off to pray, forgive myself for not making the phone calls today, and start over tomorrow. Again, I am just so grateful that I didn't pick up just for today.

Thank you all

God Bless.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Do you have a sponsor yet Cindy?....That has to be priority...Along with picking up the 500 pound phone. I'll give you a little secret.....Do you know how to work step three?....You work the rest of the steps...With the care of God. Otherwise you've just made a decision....Which is nothing without action. Hang in there...And good job today.

desi2222 · Member

No I don't have a sponser yet. I haven't had good luck with sponsers in the past. I would listen and watch to find a match, and I seemed to always gravitate to sponsors that were sponsering too many and really couldn't give me the time I needed. I had a great sponsor when I came in 25 years ago, she helped me stay sober for the longest I had ever been. Unfortunately she passed way and since then not much luck. I am very familar with step 3, although it may not seem it through my rambling I pray each and everyday to turn my will and life over to the care of God. I know it may not seem it from my posts, I have made some progress with this ritual, or should I say He has made some progress in me. I am very impatient, I want what I want when I want it, so I do have to be honest, although not nearly as bad, I give my will, I take it back, I give it I take it back it back. I do not want to sound like a 10 year old, but my patience to wait on Gods answer sometimes I find very diffiuculy.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

I think you really need to find a sponsor...Out of the comfort zone for that too...And get going on your 4th step.....You have to move forward Cindy. I'll pray with you...That you find a good one. Take a look at what happens after step 5. Does this sound like something you want?

We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once we have taken this step, withholding nothing, we are delighted. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our Creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the Broad Highway, walking hand in hand with the Spirit of the Universe.

bb pg 75

desi2222 · Member

@step child, Are you available to be my sponsor, LOL just kidding. I thank u so much for your response and especially the quote from the Big Book. That is exactly what I what now and have wanted my whole life but didn't know how to go about it. Today is a new day. I am going to pray diligently to seek God's Will for me, and to also put in my path someone that can help me to work through the steps. I so apprecaite your prayers and would ask others that may see this post to also pray or me. One thing I do believe in is the power of prayer. This forum has been an eye opener for me, that I can say with true conviction. I really feel ready, after pondering over my own posts and they of the responses that I have received, it has given me some hope for today. I know that today, it may not happen, I mean find a sponsor that is a good fit, but I do know if I give it to God he will find the perfect one for me. I know He does not want me to suffer, feel inferior, feel alone, feel unhappy, feel defeated, because I am a child of God and he died for me. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own feelings, my own thoughts, things that are happening around me, things that aren't so good in life that I forget to look up. He has today given me 15 days of sobriety, and I know for today I will not drink for I have a plan in place, and I have a God who loves me. Thanks you so much.

God Bless

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

desi2222 wrote:
No I don't have a sponser yet. I haven't had good luck with sponsers in the past. I would listen and watch to find a match, and I seemed to always gravitate to sponsors that were sponsering too many and really couldn't give me the time I needed. I had a great sponsor when I came in 25 years ago, she helped me stay sober for the longest I had ever been...

You might consider looking at the AA pamphlet on Sponsorship. Lots of useful information in it on selecting a sponsor and on expectations. Good luck. You can find it in this thread:

Sponsorship Pamphlet

http://aa.activeboard.com/t50146639/sponsorship-pamphlet/

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

You need a face to face sponsor...But like anybody else here I'm more than willing to help you with anything you need. I have a good sponsor....But I probably have 10 people with time in AA that I use as sponsors.....God speaks through all of them.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

desi2222 wrote:
I am going to pray diligently to seek God's Will for me, and to also put in my path someone that can help me to work through the steps. I so apprecaite your prayers and would ask others that may see this post to also pray or me. One thing I do believe in is the power of prayer.

For me...The power of prayer is the best tool I have. I'm with you.

desi2222 · Member

I was only teasing about you being my sponsor, I realize I need to have a face to face sponsor. You have already helped me more then you know as have all the responses and it is grately appreciated. And I appreciate the offer of you being more then willing to help me with anything I need. It makes me feel like there is hope. And again thank you for your prayers. Well I am getting ready for my noon meeting. All have a blessed day.

God Bless.

sooze · Member

Hi, Cindy! I feel very very much the same. I feel "apart" from and always have, AA meeting or otherwise. I have 57 days and do the suggestions I have been told like yourself. I have thought at times "I don't know if I can keep on like this". I feel like packing up and going back to my home state, but I have lost everything and at age 49 do not have the means to relocate right now. I am forcing myself to get to another meeting today by going to one this evening. I fear I will go through the social anxiety once I get there as I always do, but I don't know what else to do. The alternative for me is drinking again, hospital again, loss of job again, unable to pay to see my disabled son, shame and despair again, fear again.

I know it sounds like I am being a downer, but your post has made me feel not so alone in this experience. Thank you for your honesty. I am now as I type this telling myself that This recovery is for the rest of my life, this major decision to not drink. I must do this for me regardless of how awkward I might feel right now. Once the meeting gets started with a topic, I find myself relaxing and relating. ARe you able to relax once a topic starts so that you can take that home with you?