Mich here...

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

RE: Mich here...

mich · Senior Member

Hello, hello! Mich here. Well, I ventured out yesterday. My wife and I went to the Brooklyn Museum and visited with her brother and girlfriends family. I was nice to soak in a day completely sober. It did not come without challenges. Well for me. We got the museum and began our walk. Cool museum by the way. Anyway, my bro in-law wanted to stop in the cafe to eat. Upon entering the first thing on the menu was wine and beer?! What the hell. Anyway instead of looking away and ignoring I took a good look and even said hello in my head. I wanted to face it head on and I did. I did not want one. Only a faint feeling of routine flashed in mind and then it was gonna. I was then reminded of something my dad used to do after my Uncle, he and my grandfather stop drinking when I was a kid. He would treat himself. He would try some new or special beverage to wet his whistle. On many occasions it was a vanilla or cream soda. And there it was just below the beer. A beautiful bottle of cream soda. We sat in the cafe and I sipped that cream soda and remembered those wonderful relaxing days with dad and the simple treats he gave himself. Later that afternoon we all went to eat. We first passed a cuban joint but it was to crowded. I was all to glad when I saw bottle after bottle of alcohol and a waitress carrying a margarita. We stopped at a really awesome mexican restaurant. Awesome food! We all drank water. So foreign not to order alcohol of some kind, but I was glad not to. Glad to be sober with no pressure of how, when, where, how much, what did I do, what did I say. Just peace. Yes, there were people drinking around me and at the bar behind me. But not everybody does that, not the way I did it, and not all the time if at all. What had I been thinking all this time. So calm in my head I returned to the present and enjoyed the day. The water, my food, the sunlight, the heat, the people, conversations. Just being IS enough!!!

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Good. Good. You just got a tiny taste of the freedom that awaits you. It'll get easier and easier as you work the program, and then one day you'll realise that you ate at a place like that and it never occurred to you to even look at the alcohol part of the menu. That's a great feeling.

Glad to have you with us.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

A little glimpse of life....How wonderful is that?

vixen · MIP Old Timer

It just keeps getting better and better. :)

mich · Senior Member

aww thanks!!!

mich · Senior Member

Good day today. Meeting at 7. Making the coffee tomorrow! :)

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Keep on keeping on Mich!!

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Oh my goodness, I didn't realize there were two pages to this thread! LOL Congrats on a week!

mich · Senior Member

Lol Tasha, it is my own thread and I just realized the same thing! Haha... Thanks for the congrats. Feels really really good to be sober. I would not have been able to do it without the MIP people. Honestly, when I was to scared to do anything but write my deepest thoughts you all were here for me. Thanks a bunch!

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Keep coming back - keep us posted - xoxo

mich · Senior Member

Ok... Mich here. Next hurdle. Get a sponsor. Everyone has a sponsor. Don't they. Now I am afraid to ask someone to be my sponsor. Rejection, confusion, assertion, these are all paralyzing. How do I know. Where do I start. Who do I ask. How do I know who to pick. What if they are dreading me asking. Why they hell does my head work this way. Ug. Is a sponsor like a life coach or is it more like taking a music lesson. You hang and they practice what they give you. I just want to keep going to meetings and chill. I do not want to put pressure on myself. Everything has been ok so far, can't I just hang a bit longer until the HP tells me what to do? Is it ok to listen to meditation stuff if it is not aa? Dude, why am I sooooo tired all the time. Anyway, anybody want to chime in? I am all ears. Sober today! Night for now. Coffee at 6:20 meeting at 7. :)

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

hehe - hmmmmmmmmmmmm, sounds OOOOOOOOOOOOh so farmiliar ;P

I will pray for your soon to be sponsor tonight. That she be kind and gentle, loving and wise. That she will be given the strength and sobriety that you desire and deserve in your life.

Rest is important, so it's great you're making it a priority. Sleep well!

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
Ok... Mich here. Next hurdle. Get a sponsor. Everyone has a sponsor. Don't they. Now I am afraid to ask someone to be my sponsor. Rejection, confusion, assertion, these are all paralyzing. How do I know. Where do I start. Who do I ask. How do I know who to pick. What if they are dreading me asking. Why they hell does my head work this way. Ug. Is a sponsor like a life coach or is it more like taking a music lesson. You hang and they practice what they give you. I just want to keep going to meetings and chill. I do not want to put pressure on myself. Everything has been ok so far, can't I just hang a bit longer until the HP tells me what to do? Is it ok to listen to meditation stuff if it is not aa? Dude, why am I sooooo tired all the time. Anyway, anybody want to chime in? I am all ears. Sober today! Night for now. Coffee at 6:20 meeting at 7. :)

Sometimes it takes a while to get a sponsor. According to AA, 73% of newcomers got a sponsor within 90 days. You might take a look at the sponsorship pamphlet thread:

Sponsorship Pamphlet

http://aa.activeboard.com/t50146639/sponsorship-pamphlet/

-- Edited by Tanin on Wednesday 15th of August 2012 07:27:40 PM

mich · Senior Member

My Big Book came in the mail today. :) I got it for a penny online. :) And away we go! Bang, zoom! Just some honeymooners humor.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

right to the moon!

mich · Senior Member

Hey thanks Tanin, will do. Ok I need to vent. I know this seems like it is stupid and it even sounds stupid in my head. But since I have been going to meetings I realize it is important to share and that the shit that plays endless loops in my head is the stuff that drives me to drink. Let me start off my saying I do not want a drink. However, the thoughts that loop over the simplest stuff are difficult to just get rid of all at once. So, I leave my morning meeting at which there was a verbal confrontation among some of the members in private and out loud. I thought of Tasha's meeting yesterday. It almost got ugly. Maybe it's a full moon. Anyway, I leave the meeting and two of the guys are leaving in the one guys porche. The one guy was involved in the argument earlier. Me being who I am just walked up to the car to be friendly. One other guy I know was admiring the car too. So, I jokingly say wow a porche. Then I joke, man what a heap. Couldn't you get anything better. I hear they put honda engines in these things knowing I drive a honda. Everybody has a good chuckle. I walk away and get in my car. Then I panic. I don't know those guys that well. How dare I assume I can just talk to anyone like that. I am a real asshole. They probably think I am an asshole. They didn't look happy. I over stepped my boundaries. Who do I think I am I should have just said I like your car and left. What the hell is wrong with me. People are going to hate me. I hate me. What made me think I could just try to connect with people and joke. Then I thought. Geez, you were just expressing yourself. You were actually being yourself for once. You let you slip out. I have been so afraid for so long. Why oh why am I beating myself up. But this is the shit that will not leave me today and I hope it doesn't get worse. Anybody, please help.

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Mich, you are complex weave of intellectual, emotional, and instinctual elements which combine to produce cognitive behavioral outcomes which are amazing (to both you and others) and which are difficult to comprehend and resolve. You are quite unique.

Just like everbody else.

Good luck with the sponsorship pamphlet. It is a terrific resource for newcomers. It corrects a lot of false assumptions about sponsorship that we hear around the rooms.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Dean used to tell me to pray to have the thoughts removed - and any desire to drink.

I can relate to what you're saying. I have spent many hours crying/worrying/kicking my own ass for literally one little thing that I've said to people. People - who do not know how insecure I am about being me. Who do not know how afraid I am. My sponsor told me the other night - as I was questioning every move I made with the new people I met, that I do not have a sign on my face that says I'm scared, insecure, ashamed, nauseated, hoping someone will hold my hand cuz I feel like a child... and I do not look like a tiny marshmellow.

I don't know what I think of the term fake it until you make it. I hear it a lot - and it's probably pertaining to how we are feeling Kathy. No one knows we are just practicing being ourselves again, they just assume we are ourselves lol!

I'm thinking that being the real authentic you - is what God wants for you/us. It's so hard to feel okay with it at first isn't it?

The great thing is, in AA, we get to see these people again usually. We can just say something the next time we see them - "hey, thanks for being here today - it felt great to be able to joke with someone a little like I did with you the other day about your car... I'm grateful for this program, I haven't been able to joke in years".

I just said that exact thing only pertaining to hugging - to someone yesterday. They hugged me four times!

I'm starting to see that when you open up a little - almost everyone is grateful. It sucks your mind is being alcoholic today Kathy - but you're opening up about it - I'm happy for you : )

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

You know what keep it simple means Mich?....Don't over think it.

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Quite simply - an this advice was given to me at the point you are at - your brain (or mind) isn't your friend right now. Probably hasn't been for many years. So acknowledge the thoughts but also acknowledge that they come from somewhere that is broken right now and isn't going to be working in your best interests.

When you get stuff like that in your head just nod, smile and say to yourself "yep. that's the sort of thing a sick mind would say'. Then ignore it.

It'll get better with time. It really will. But right now you really need to let go and put your faith in the program, the fellowship and your HP. Let all that do the thinking for you and you just worry about staying sober this 24 hours.