Mich here...

mich · Senior Member

Mich here...

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Mich....I'm an alcoholic too...I was terrified to say it also...But once I did and went to my first meeting.....I felt hope....It was wonderful....I was scared but I went. You aren't alone and you will meet some amazing people....That want to help you....Crying is alright....I did that too...Now that I look at it....I think they were tears of joy I was finally making a decision to do something about it...I'm glad you are here Mich....Just go to the meeting and listen...Show up a little early and let them know you are new...They'll take care of you. Welcome to a great site to take this journey with you...Be sure and let us know how the meeting goes...I think you'll love it.

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Hi Mich. I'm an alcoholic as well. Stepchild summed it up well. You're in the right place and if you stick around you'll find that things will get better. Much, much better.

Welcome.

mikef · MIP Old Timer

smile Hello Kathleen, welcome to MIP!.YOU ARE IN AN AREA OF PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU!

You have taken a step on board the train of LIFE. Admission,surrender,acceptance,putting down the alcohol and seeking a solution.You can GOOGLE 'what is A.A. A recovery program pamphlet p-1.....and get an idea of what the program is about under literature pamphlet) or better yet just show up...Let us know how it went,WE can definitely identify with your emotions.C ya when you get back.......

Bryan39 · Senior Member

Welcome, All of is have been where you are. I have seen the biggest toughest in tears as they said those words "I am an alcoholic" for the first time. As stepchild said go a littlle ealry. Tell them its your firat meeting someone will reachout to you. Please post again and let is know how it goes.

jj · MIP Old Timer

Hi Mich, so glad you are here. it is scary to let go of alcohol even when we want to. AA is a we program, we don't have to do this alone. AA meetings are what helped me get through my first 90 days. i met so many wonderful alcoholics who wanted to quit drinking, too. we help each other one day at a time. keep coming back. this website has many people with a lot of experience, strength, and hope. we are and will be here for you. i cried a lot, my feelings were so up and down and a lot of my emotions did not make sense to me. alcohol has robbed me of many years of true living and as soon as i acted on the desire to quit drinking (getting help) my life started improving. all i have is today and i will do my best to be the real me and to love and help others. keep coming back, Mich. sheila

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
I am scared... I cannot stop crying. I am an alcoholic. I was unable to say it before today. I keep saying it to myself. In my head and outloud. I am going to my first meeting in 2 hours and I am scared. I don't want to be an alcoholic but I am. I was on this board before and after a few days maybe a week I had convinced myself that I was not. What a clever disease. I do not want to drink any more. It makes me feel like crap physically and mentally. I wish I wasn't born this way. I am afraid of myself. What if I am not strong enough. I wasn't the last time. My Uncle has been sober for over 30 years. He is amazing. I want to get there.
mich

Welcome back to MIP and welcome to AA. I can empathize with your feeling. I never wanted to be an alcoholic. Still don't.

But we can do something about it. And you've taken some first steps. Thanks for sharing.

And it isn't a question of how strong you are. Actually, it is about how defeated you are.

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
Thank you all for your kind words. It helps so much. I went to my first meeting. I had to read the reading for the day. I was frightened, but made it thru. I ckoked back tears. I did not share and found myself nervous about doing so. There was only one other new person a young guy 19. We got literature which I have already read thru completely two times. They gave me a coin which I have kept in my pocket all day. A strong reminder, I have read the serenity prayer so many times today. I found ALL of the testimonals to be extremely helpful. What I realized today is I have been looking for an answer for so long why I feel and think the way I do... What is wrong with me. Why does my brain race so about yesterday, today, and tomorrow... going over ever moment like a loop.... conversations, actions you name it... the only escape... well you know. The answer... I am an alcoholic. I got really choked up on the Lords prayer at the end. I did not stay to talk to anyone and I was surprised noone said anything. For once I thought I belonged.... I will go tomorrow. It is all I can do

That's a good sign. You are not alone.

WE are alcoholics. We have recovered. If you want, we'll help you.

-- Edited by Tanin on Tuesday 31st of July 2012 05:53:30 PM

mich · Senior Member

Thank you all for your kind words. It helps so much. I went to my first meeting. I had to read the reading for the day. I was frightened, but made it thru. I ckoked back tears. I did not share and found myself nervous about doing so. There was only one other new person a young guy 19. We got literature which I have already read thru completely two times. They gave me a coin which I have kept in my pocket all day. A strong reminder, I have read the serenity prayer so many times today. I found ALL of the testimonals to be extremely helpful. What I realized today is I have been looking for an answer for so long why I feel and think the way I do... What is wrong with me. Why does my brain race so about yesterday, today, and tomorrow... going over ever moment like a loop.... conversations, actions you name it... the only escape... well you know. The answer... I am an alcoholic. I got really choked up on the Lords prayer at the end. I did not stay to talk to anyone and I was surprised noone said anything. For once I thought I belonged.... I will go tomorrow. It is all I can do

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
Thank you all for your kind words. It helps so much. I went to my first meeting. I had to read the reading for the day. I was frightened, but made it thru. I ckoked back tears. I did not share and found myself nervous about doing so. There was only one other new person a young guy 19. We got literature which I have already read thru completely two times. They gave me a coin which I have kept in my pocket all day. A strong reminder, I have read the serenity prayer so many times today. I found ALL of the testimonals to be extremely helpful. What I realized today is I have been looking for an answer for so long why I feel and think the way I do... What is wrong with me. Why does my brain race so about yesterday, today, and tomorrow... going over ever moment like a loop.... conversations, actions you name it... the only escape... well you know. The answer... I am an alcoholic. I got really choked up on the Lords prayer at the end. I did not stay to talk to anyone and I was surprised noone said anything. For once I thought I belonged.... I will go tomorrow. It is all I can do

Awesome...You only have to go to one first meeting...Before you know it...You'll see someone coming in...Scared and confused...And you can extend a hand to them....That's how it works...It's nice to feel you belong rather than stuffing all those emotions....Good job Mich...I'm glad you are here!!....Keep coming back!!!

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Mich, ... ... ...

Great thread ... ... All I can say is "WOW" ... a lot has happened to you in the 9 hours since your 1st post ... some great sharing on this thread ... let's keep it going ...

God Bless,
Pappy

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
For once I thought I belonged....

Aye. It's a powerful feeling that one. After all those years of being alone in your own head you meet people that have walked many a mile in your shoes, and that understand you better than you understand yourself. It's a great sign to the start of a wonderful journey.

Prayers.

SoberSteve · MIP Old Timer

Welcome :)

Rob84 · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to the MIP board, Mich

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

You'll eventually get there Mich. All it takes is time. Welcome to "MIP".

mich · Senior Member

I am an alcoholic... I don't ever want to forget it. Thanks again for all of the replies. It keeps me going. I just want to be as truthful with myself today as I can. A full morning and then a meeting at noon. Then... This is when I would feel so great after a productive morning. I would reward my self with a few shots of vodka and be drunk by noon. I deserved it I worked hard. I deserved to relax. I would be sober by dinner. Then I would be able to be productive again. Until... a few shots turned into a pint. If I didn't black out I would be to tired and out of it to do anything. I would try to hide it so my wife wouldn't find out. I would have all of the glasses washed and the trash taken out before she got home. Sometimes she would ask have you been drinking and I would lie. Sometimes I was able to pass or so I thought. It was a horrible feeling not the reward it started out as. Just writing this makes me sick to my stomach but I have to remind myself of something that stuck with me from yesterday... Just that YESTERDAY... I cannot change it, I cannot forget it, but I cannot change it. I can only make today better.... I'm scared. I'm afraid to step out the door. The worst feeling... being afraid of yourself. A dark day when the person your are most afraid of and can't trust is yourself. All I have to do is get thru the morning and get to that meeting.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

You got it!....When the fear of the known is greater than the fear of the unknown....We're able to move forward.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
I would try to hide it so my wife wouldn't find out. I would have all of the glasses washed and the trash taken out before she got home. Sometimes she would ask have you been drinking and I would lie. Sometimes I was able to pass or so I thought. It was a horrible feeling not the reward it started out as.

You just shared the exact same thing I used to do ... But NOW I know, I never "passed" those tests ... She knew ... she always knew ... then I got to the point i'd just say 'the hell with it' and didn't try to hide it ...

And that walking out the door and the person you're most afraid of is you? ... Yep, I know that feeling too ...

Stick around here, this is where we get well ...

God Bless,

Pappy

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mich (hugs) WOW - your description of your day is IDENTICAL to mine! Wash everything, take out the evidence, get drunk a few different times, think you're hiding it well - yikes, in the last few weeks, I was just drunk ALL the time. Lied to my husband about it for a long time. Got too drunk to clean up my mess properly in the end : ( Drove drunk all the time to get more - with my kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Very very unbelievable to me that I am alive, I haven't killed anyone, I still have a home and a family - what an undeserved gift I have - and that is because I stepped through the door of AA, and I'm so happy you have too. I read yesterday, that AA is the easier softer way to life. It IS! Please keep coming back.

You know what? There was something I did very wrong a few months back. I focused on getting years of sobriety, instead of figuring out HOW TO stay sober for the day I was in.

Finally, after more drunkenness, I looked at those sober happy people at AA, and did whatever they told me to do.

You have found the courage to get to a meeting, but you feel all that shame yet. This is a disease. I had to say it over and over, and try to accept not only that I'm an alcoholic, but that I have a life long disease. One that luckily there is treatment for, and that I would be no different than a person being told he has cancer, but walking away from the help and treatment necessary to live... if I walked away from AA.

I care about your recovery, because It sounds like I have walked in those shoes of yours. There are so many people who care, so let them help - ask for help - don't worry about getting 1 yr of sobriety, or 30 - just learn how to live today, AA will help you with that if you are willing.

And you know what else? I have been sober for 4 months, and in AA for 6. My life is already radically different because I went to as many meetings as possible for 90 days, found a sponsor, began working the steps, and found a power greater than myself which in the beginning was just AA, because it was keeping me sober when I could not.

Feeling everything in life sucks in the beginning, but it pays to just keep feeling it, and not drown those feelings in alcohol. Life isn't going to be perfect every day. In most ways, my life is certainly just as hard as it ever was, but I have tools now to change my attitude, get rid of baggage, lean on people, lean on my Higher power, and make it through so I can feel the good, and cherish it. When you drown out the bad, you also drown out the good.

Sounds like your wife loves you. I couldn't believe my husband could possibly love me. Now I can feel his love, and love him back, and my kids too. I thought I was the worst person in the world. I wondered if I could possibly love my kids if I was doing what I was doing. I felt so much shame, I felt love for them deep in my heart, but thought It couldn't be real. Now I see I have a disease that hurts everyone around me, not just me, and that I most certainly do and always did love my family and children.

It takes work, and time, and sometimes it takes a long time, and I am here to say it can happen in a short time too. But that isn't what's important. TODAY is all that matters.

Please keep sharing : ) And a big welcome to MIP

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

I'm not Stepchild, ... but here you go ...

http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

Take Care and God Bless,

Pappy

-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Wednesday 1st of August 2012 09:23:23 PM

mich · Senior Member

Thank you so much... all of you... each post has helped so much. I made it to the noon meeting. It was just as helpful and painful as yesterday. I still did not talk to anyone. I suppose they are waiting for me to feel comfortable enough to approach someone. I guess when it feels right it will happen. I am content to be present and accountable. I am content to listen. There were still so many times I got choked up and nearly cried. I cried again after I left.... I would not go home. I could not go home. I was just as scared of myself as I was this morning. What would I do. What would I convince myself to do. I went to work. I am finally home. I did not make my stop, but I thought about how I used to do it. I did not want to do it. I just drove home. But scared is the word for how I feel right now as I sit in what should be the safety of my own home and the and the fright that surrounds me is being alone. What will I do with my time. What schemes will my mind come up with... What will it tell me to do... What excuse will it come up with... So, I did house work and when there was nothing left to do I began to write. My wife will be home in 45 minutes. That seems like an eternity. Will it always be like this? Out running my own mind and actions. Will I ever be able to just sit? Right now... no... but I did not drink today.

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

No, it will not always be like that.

It will get better.

Try the Serenity Prayer.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Just keep going back to meetings whenever they are available to you : )

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

My first month I'd go to 2 or 3 meetings a day...Study the Big Book..Get phone numbers and call people....You can be around AA or you can be involved in AA....I had to be involved....My drinking time became my recovery time...Nice job not drinking today!....Don't pick up the first one....And you won't need one.....Just keep moving forward....You're doing great!!

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mich, ... ...

We've all been there ... ... ... the anxiety and nervous energy that comes from detoxing is inevitable ... we pretty much had to make 'busy work' for ourselves ... much to my wife's delight, I cleaned the house from top to bottom ... even cleaned windows and got a ladder to clean all the ceiling fans ... It seemed insane, but it was just my mind racing along trying to make sense outta' what my body was going through ... my mind kept wanting it's alcohol and I kept soooo busy that I forced my thinking to something else, anything else, except alcohol ... the first few days are the worst ... then it starts getting easier and easier ...

Go to lots of meetings ... Sobriety must be your TOP PRIORITY, bar-ing anything else ...

Hang in there ... Don't give up just before the MIRACLE happens,
Pappy

mich · Senior Member

Thanks Pappy,

You hit the nail on the head... busy or go crazy. Hope to hear more. That last post of yours really helped. See you tomorrow

mich · Senior Member

Not sure if I am shy or just an idiot. I guess I am afraid of rejection and I feel pretty vulnerable right now. But hopefully, the moment will be right and I will speak to someone. For now, still listening. Busy in the morning a meeting and more busy at night.... main goal... stay sober

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Do you have a big book Mich? You can read it online for free, and then pick one up at your next meeting. A great way to say - "hello, I'm mich, I am looking for a big book and help finding a sponsor". You can approach anyone about this : )

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

I'm betting stepchild has the link to the AA big book : )
Great work staying sober by the way - keep posting!

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
Not sure if I am shy or just an idiot. I guess I am afraid of rejection and I feel pretty vulnerable right now. But hopefully, the moment will be right and I will speak to someone. For now, still listening. Busy in the morning a meeting and more busy at night.... main goal... stay sober

Nah. That seems about right. Certainly how I was anyway. When you are ready it'll happen but listening is certainly good. An open mind and identifying with the similarities, rather than looking for differences is pretty much where you need to be right now. Read the Big Book - that thing is full of great stuff that will help you understand you and your disease.

Maybe it will help to know that I was utterly terrified when I first went into the rooms. Wouldn't speak to anyone. Felt like I was the worst person in the world, and that I wasn't worthy of being around people that had overcome something that I'd let ruin my (and my family's) life. But I stayed and I eventially shared because I had nowhere else to go and I had to tell somebody how much I was hurting. That was when I understood that nothing I could say would shock them, and that they welcomed me with love and not judgement. Now I can stand up in front of 50 or 100 people and talk, and I do it joyfully knowing that in my waffle might be something to help someone else, just as I find gems in their words.

But, yes, first things first. Stay sober and just put your arse in a chair at the meeting. Your mind will get there when it can.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Great post Frodo!

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Yes, great post Frodo - I have said this many times, all I did was cry for the first week - couldn't speak at a meeting at all, still have trouble with it, but it is SO much better. Doing the 90 in 90 and forcing myself to say a little each day, and write here each day, got me over the hurdle of being terrified to speak in front of people, and got me connected to people too as most days all I could do was say about one sentence like "I'm just really struggling, sorry I can't say anything and only cry, I am glad to be here - pass!" Then another day it would be "my husband and I had a big fight, but I tried praying about it for the first time, still scared though... thanks... pass!" Or a lot of time I would talk about needing help finding a sponsor too and just say "I'm sober 4 days, and would appreciate help finding a sponsor - thanks". At least then people knew ONE thing about me, and would start to come up to me after the meetings and talk to me about it, when I was too scared to introduce myself to anyone.

Now I'm the complete opposite - COMPLETE opposite.

Those are just examples of how my first few days/weeks of meetings went. Also, when I came in, stayed sober for 40 days and then drank - I was only going to one meeting per week, and passed. After I then proceeded to drink like a fish for a few weeks, and had to come crawling back - I went to meetings every day and my life has changed dramatically. Now I've been going to 3 or 4 if I can, and that seems pretty sufficient for me - not saying that will be the case for you - but the first 90 days of going to meetings every single possible chance I could was what helped me.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

I love reading your posts justadrunk....I don't know if you know it...But you help keep me sober!

Col · MIP Old Timer

Welcome Mich! Justadrunk articulated exactly how I felt, how many of us felt and still do at times.. You're not alone! I can identify with your post very much.. Keep posting:) this forum is a great place to vent, find support, and ask questions.

mich · Senior Member

Thank you all... every word helps. I am off to a meeting in 5. At least I feel better about saying/not saying anything right now. A huge weight has been lifted and I can go today and get inspiration and comfort without pressure. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are all so awesome. Bye for now...

Col · MIP Old Timer

Great mich!! Ya I hate hate hate speaking in public, and have posted here about it. Kept me from meetings for a bit. You don't have to say anything if you're not comfortable yet.. I found just introducing myself, saying I was new to this and "just listening" helpful. People would come up to me afterwards and introduce themselves.. It was a good, and brief icebreaker :)

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
I am off to a meeting in 5. At least I feel better about saying/not saying anything right now. A huge weight has been lifted and I can go today and get inspiration and comfort without pressure.

It won't be long before you'll feel like you are coming home...With family waiting there....Keep coming back Mich....You're doing great!

mich · Senior Member

Thanks again... I feel good right now... I actually am smiling... :) I did cry again after todays meeting. One guy said hey can you put this on the board... so I tacked it up. Then he said after the meeting the books go over there. Then I left and cried in my car as I drove to my next appointments. I was headed to my shrink. I told him and I felt so relieved. I was able to face my shame and self loathing for a bit to today. What I realize is I need to be a bit more gentle with myself. Beating myself into an oblivion in my head won't help anything. After I left I finally felt some relief. Hence the smile... I am not an awful person I just have a really awful disease. One thing is for sure though... there is no drink that is manageable for me... and I don't have to drink.... I drove past a few of my old stops today and just said I do not have to stop. The relief was overwhelming... I do not have to drink today...

Thank you again and again to all those who have posted here.... ALL of you help soooo soooo much. :*)

Off to work tonight....

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Progress already! YEAh - HAPPY FOR YOU!

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

One thing I find that I agree with everyone on is that even though living in our active disease is awful - having this disease means we get to be in AA - and THAT IS SO AWESOME! There aren't other diseases that have the support we have, the program to a better way of life, the fellowship and friends available any hour any day - it's an amazingly wonderful blessing to have this disease vs. another, or dare I say, even nothing at all!

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
Thanks again... I feel good right now... I actually am smiling... :) I did cry again after todays meeting. One guy said hey can you put this on the board... so I tacked it up. Then he said after the meeting the books go over there. Then I left and cried in my car as I drove to my next appointments. I was headed to my shrink. I told him and I felt so relieved. I was able to face my shame and self loathing for a bit to today. What I realize is I need to be a bit more gentle with myself. Beating myself into an oblivion in my head won't help anything. After I left I finally felt some relief. Hence the smile... I am not an awful person I just have a really awful disease. One thing is for sure though... there is no drink that is manageable for me... and I don't have to drink.... I drove past a few of my old stops today and just said I do not have to stop. The relief was overwhelming... I do not have to drink today...

There is a lot of wisdom in this post....Good for you!

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Way to go Mich, ... ... .... Hang in there, ... if we can do it, so can you ... ...

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mich, ... ... You stated : Not sure were to go from here... I liked the living sober book we read from today... maybe that is a good place to start.

Great start ... ... I'm glad to hear you like the 'Living Sober' book ... it helped me a lot ... But I suggest you concentrate on the Big Book of AA first, like Tasha recommended, then the '12 Steps and 12 Traditions'(aka - the 12X12), THEN the 'Living Sober' book .... I think the continuity is much better for you this way ... it'll make more sense and sink in a little better, in my judgement ...

And the suggestion to attend a different group could be nothing more that a more appropriate age group maybe?...or a group that is more structured to new-comers ? ... could be a lot of different reasons ... won't hurt anything to check it out ... Ya never know!!!

God Bless,
Pappy

-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Friday 3rd of August 2012 02:46:48 PM

mich · Senior Member

I just got home from my meeting... 4 meetings and I finally spoke to the guy who gave me my first coin... Today's meeting was about calling people and sponsors... I did not share again, but the readings were calling me... You have to want to be sober... no one should have to come to you... I needed to go to them. I see that now... I asked him for a contact sheet. He was very kind. Everybody moved to help me. He mentioned another meeting across town I might be more suited to. I thought he might be trying to get rid of me or say I would belong more somewhere else. I don't think that is true but I do wonder. I feel pretty good today... tired, but a good tired.

Not sure were to go from here... I liked the living sober book we read from today... maybe that is a good place to start.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Good for you for reaching out....Never think someone is trying to get rid of you...I'm sure he had your best interest at heart...You should try some different meetings...Find one you really like and make that your homegroup....It's good to be a part of...The meeting you've been going to may be the one for you...You'll know. Where should you go from here?....Forward. You're doing great!!

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

There are so many kinds of meetings, and I'm sure he is not trying to get rid of you, just making a suggestion of a meeting with more woman for example, maybe for newcomers in particular, who knows. The cool thing is, you deserve a chair where ever you go, and that gives you the right to ask any questions you have. If you are unsure as to why he suggested you should go somewhere else, you have every right to say "What makes me better suited there than here? Are there any other meetings you suggest? Why?"

So glad you're feeling good! When I asked about good stuff to read at a meeting early on, they told me to stick with the big book for a while. I think if you focus on that and finding a sponsor so you can begin the steps, you'll be on the right track! Keep us posted Kathleen! You're doing great!

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Emotionally, I was all over the place - crying all the time - freaking out - laughing felt odd and wrong at first - you said you have a phone list - it would probably be good to call someone from AA. Keep going down the list until you find someone available.

Our noon meetings are monday through friday. We have a morning meeting at 10am sat. and sun. which is mostly the same people as our noon meeting. Keep a copy of the schedule for your area downloaded on your computer and phone for quick reference, and a paper copy in your wallet : ) That helps me cuz I get it mixed up all the time, but now have it pretty much memorized : )

You can do this Mich = ) freaking out is feeling life - but this too shall pass. I think it was day 8 when I first smiled. I JUST went through what you're feeling!!!! (((HUGS)))

-- Edited by justadrunk on Saturday 4th of August 2012 01:02:20 PM

mich · Senior Member

Thanks again for all of you suggestions and stories... they keep me coming back... I need them... I need this and you all... Hope it is ok to say that. It is funny justadrunk, that the guy I spoke to said exactly what you said. He said there are more women at the other meeting. So, I think he may have been trying to help me find other places to feel comfortable. The thought that he knew I was a lesbian did cross my mind though. It made me wonder if he was trying to get rid of me. So, I went online and started looking for aa meetings for lgbt. Not many, but I found one and I am going today... It is out of my current routine. I usually go to my meeting at noon. I am worried that people will think I was drinking if I don't go to my usual. I am also worried the change in routine will have an effect on my current success, but I cannot rely on another obsessive habit to replace another. Change it up and get comfortable with it. Anyway, I guess I am just really wondering how accepting aa is of lgbt. Anyone???

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

I think you should go to any meeting you want to go to...And you will be accepted the same at any meeting you go to. We want to see people get better...That's it. Go to the other meetings...Keep going to the noon meeting....You can go to more than one a day...I did at least two and sometimes three for my first couple months.....I needed it. Don't worry too much Mich....Don't overthink things...You are going to find out AA is a family....And you are part of it...No matter where you go. And that includes here.

mich · Senior Member

thanks stepchild.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Yup - woman still stick with woman, and men with men around here. Even if he did know you were lesbian, he still knows you need to find a female sponsor, and are more likely to do that if you're at a meeting with more woman. We have zero lgbt meetings in our area, so everyone just mixes in and there seems to be certain ones that people have figured out that mostly everyone goes to, but still go to all different meetings. I know a couple of the guys through my gay brother who used to be an alcohol and drug counselor here.

If you like the noon meeting, and it fits your schedule, keep going! Make the lgbt meeting an addition to it or vice versa! I went to the noon meeting every single day for the first 90 days, and then mixed up big book meetings, step meetings, and speaker meetings at night. There were many days I went to two meetings, and once and while, I went to none. It's really just about getting used to this being a part of your life, and making it a priority, getting your schedule figured out so you can make it work long term.

Mark (Pinkchip) would have some experience that could help you. You can message him if you have specific questions about lgbt meetings and stuff.

I'm so glad you're being honest and open here with us - keep sharing - keep us posted : )

mich · Senior Member

Thanks Tasha that helped.

mich · Senior Member

There was no meeting at noon today where I usually go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I called someone to find out. I am going to another meeting at 6, but now I am freaking out. I came home and read Bill's story and all I want to do is cry. I feel like I'm freakin out! Am I ok?

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

I had it explained to me to get ready for a roller coaster ride...Just buckle yourself in and don't pick up the first drink...No matter what!!....You're totally OK....It will pass...Have a great meeting at six!

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Mich, you will be alright. You have a definite plan for the next meeting. That's good work.

Keep comminicatin', like you're doing.

mich · Senior Member

Ok I went to the six o'clock meeting... I SHARED... finally! It was as if I was meant to be there after all. A small group, all women. Wow that really does help. I feel like a weight has been lifted. My wife was waiting for me afterward and even got to meet some of the people there. Everyone was so very supportive. They immediately gave me a phone list and told me to call. Make a habit of calling now so if the shit really hits the fan as one person put I will know what to do. They spoke to me afterward and were very understand and caring. We read from the big book tonight. I am getting one asap. Although, I must thank Pappy for the big book link. Thanks!!! I have been reading since you posted it. Anyway, a few of the women there shared and their stories were super helpful. Humbled and inspired is how I felt as I finally said out loud to a group of people I don't even know for the first time. Hi my name is Kathy and I am an alcoholic.

I want to thank you ALL again and again for every word and moment you have shared... you have helped me stay sober another day...

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Wow. mich, you are making progress!

Share as much as you need to. AA, at its base level, is one alcoholic talking to another . . .

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

That's fantastic Mich ... ... Glad to hear things went so well ... ... Like Tanin said ... this is what we're all about ... one alcoholic sharing with another ... and thank you for helping me stay sober another day ... well, at least tonight ...

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Great Kathy : ) You're on your way!

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
you have helped me stay sober another day...

Right back at you.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

That's awesome Kathy...I guess that was meant to be...I found that as long as I trusted God...Those kinds of things happened a lot for me. I'm happy for you!

mich · Senior Member

Yes Stepchild... I was all upset cause that meeting at noon was not on the schedule... I freaked and then... suddenly I realized, I was trying to control what was happening. The more I tried and the harder I tried the worse my anxiety got... I thought the harder I try to think or get thru it the better it would be... then i thought... accept what you cannot change... as soon as I said it I was relieved... God wanted me to go to the 6pm meeting. He was leading me there... I just had to give it up to him... no worries... I don't need to drive the bus... I just have to be a good passenger... So, I felt so comfortable I went back this morning... Up at 5 as usual showered out the door and at a meeting by 7. The drive to this church is scenic... I was beautiful and peaceful and I never would have enjoyed any of this if I were not sober... The meeting was a good mix of people with inspiring and humbling stories. I was greeted instantly and handed a list of phone numbers... Many of the women introduced themselves afterward... I ended up speaking to two women for some time afterward... I cried again, but I was gentle with myself... I am human after all... It felt good. One women said call her tonight just to let her know how the day went. I have not decide yet to do so, but I will call several people tomorrow just to get into the routine... Long day, but a good sober day!

thanks again everyone for listening and posting :)

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Hey Mich, ... CALL the Lady tonight that said to call her ... She can't reach out and strangle you thru the phone ... at least I haven't heard of that happening yet ... and let her know that you appreciate her being there for you ... just tell her 'thanks' if there's nothing else on your mind ... It won't hurt nutt'n and it'll do YOU some good, and her too ...

Pappy

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

One can't be too careful . . .

3211566-155310-business-woman-with-telephone-wire-strangling-another-woman-isolated-on-white-background.jpg

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Thanks Tanin, ... I'm sure that helped ... a lot ... ... ... LOL

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
Yes Stepchild... I was all upset cause that meeting at noon was not on the schedule... I freaked and then... suddenly I realized, I was trying to control what was happening. The more I tried and the harder I tried the worse my anxiety got... I thought the harder I try to think or get thru it the better it would be... then i thought... accept what you cannot change... as soon as I said it I was relieved... God wanted me to go to the 6pm meeting. He was leading me there... I just had to give it up to him... no worries... I don't need to drive the bus... I just have to be a good passenger... So, I felt so comfortable I went back this morning... Up at 5 as usual showered out the door and at a meeting by 7. The drive to this church is scenic... I was beautiful and peaceful and I never would have enjoyed any of this if I were not sober... The meeting was a good mix of people with inspiring and humbling stories. I was greeted instantly and handed a list of phone numbers... Many of the women introduced themselves afterward... I ended up speaking to two women for some time afterward... I cried again, but I was gentle with myself... I am human after all... It felt good. One women said call her tonight just to let her know how the day went. I have not decide yet to do so, but I will call several people tomorrow just to get into the routine... Long day, but a good sober day!

thanks again everyone for listening and posting :)

You know Mich...You read your first post 5 days ago and you were scared like anyone else about going to your first meeting...And you read this post and it's pretty amazing the progress you have made in less than a week.....It's truly God's Grace. At day five I was still passed out in detox....I didn't know what country I was living in. Keep doing what you are doing...And you'll keep getting what you are getting. Don't be afraid of the phone.....Get to know these women.....Stay with the winners....They will become good friends and will save your life. I'm impressed.

mich · Senior Member

Ug... you are right Pappy, but I did not call her. I do not want to put to much pressure on myself. I know, I know though...call, call, call ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! But I need to remember that God will tell me when it is right. I will get there. Thanks Stepchild... trying to constantly remind myself how blessed I am. Someone said something in the meeting this morning that reminded me of how I was doing though... trying to kill myself with thousands of little paper cuts. I was slowly but surely progressing with the disease. It was getting cunning and I was weak. I wish I could detox my thoughts. All in time.

thanks to all here.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Mich - I feel uncomfortable calling people too - if you do it - I'll do it ; )

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

There is a deal.

mich · Senior Member

ok justadrunk... uh, what do we do now....

also i do not understand the white board. anybody? how does that work. I whiteboarded some people but they didn't respond.

Anyway, I got a question. Tomorrow I have a week :) Does that qualify at a meeting as an anniversary? I do not want to get to confident, but I also do not want to punish myself for only having a week. Because I will definitely take all the wind out of those sails with ease. that's what I am good at.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

What do you do now?...This is what my sponsor had me do. Take your list of names and call two people a day...Go down the list....If you get no answer...Go to the next name. I simply said...Who I was....That I was calling because I wanted to get used to using the phone....I thanked them for the number...And I said I looked forward to learning about the program from them in meetings. By then conversation just happened...It was painless and just another dumb fear I had to get over...Kind of like the fear I had going to my first meeting...All for not.

The white board is used by clicking on someones user name...It takes you to there profile and you can leave a message there...They will be notified they have a message. You can also send a private message that only they will be able to see.

Congrats on one week!!....That's fantastic....Most meetings will use 30 day periods as an anniversary...But I remember getting one week...And I wanted to throw myself a party....I couldn't believe it....Hang in there....30 days is coming up!!

mich · Senior Member

Thanks Stepchild. I went to a meeting this morning and I was glad to be there. However, when I left I felt sad and nearly crying. Why? Everyone else was talking to each other. I don't have to take a drink, but I am lonely and a social putz. I don't seem to have what all of these other people have. They connect right away. I got up as usual, looked around... noone. I went to the bathroom and left. I quickly reminded myself. Hey, chill, don't be so hard on yourself. You have only been sober a week and at this meeting 3 times. 3 times. 3 times! So, I decided to give myself a break. God picked me up though and sent blessings my way that have kept me from spiraling. For that I am glad. I got choked up. I was walking my dogs when I got home and everybody was saying hello to me today on the walk. One guy even stopped to say how beautiful my dogs were. God sent them to me because he knew I needed to know I am not alone. Things will come in time. I need to be patient with myself. The one thing I am sure of is I do not need to drink.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Hey Kathy - Congrats on one week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did announce each week for the first month, because if I said anything else - literally ANYTHING else, I would just cry. It was a good reprieve to speak without crying at least one day per week ; )

At 8 days, I smiled at the meeting for the first time, and someone gave me my first hug. I still dashed in and out for a good month, but finally realized, my kids were getting used to me being gone, and it would be okay for me to "hand out" after the meeting. I sat down on the bench where all the smokers usually sit - and that's almost everyone - and just sat there. It took a bit, and was totally uncomfortable and suffocating, but so many people said, you can't just run in and out, so I just kept sitting there until someone finally spoke to me. The next day, I showed up early, and planted myself on the bench again. I was still way too awkward to begin a conversation, but I forced myself to at least be available to it. So every day, I just kept either arriving early, or stayed late, and just planted myself somewhere I knew people would hang out. As weird as it was, I was the only person who seemed to think it was weird and that I was out of place. Actually, it's the only place in the world I am NOT out of place as it turns out!!!!!

Now, I can approach people, I know everyone's name, I have had great conversations with most, and feel totally comfortable to the point that I could talk to anyone.

I also started to offer new comers that couldn't drive, rides home - that helped me get to know them, and was the beginning of service work and making other new comer friends. I also made a point to read one of the readings every day so people could hear that I actually could speak without crying.

You're doing great - keep sharing here - so proud of you for 1 week! I will give you a call later!

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Yeah...You have to give time time...The more you show up...The more you will get to know people...Get to know their names...And they will get to know yours. Introduce yourself to newer people...People at their first meetings...Go up to people that shared something you liked and introduce yourself and tell them how much you enjoyed their share....It will come in time....I promise you. I think as you spend time in AA you will see a lot of people come and go...Some are there that don't even want to be there....An oldtimer told me early on...This takes TIME....Things I Must Earn....Just hang in there...Don't pick up....And keep coming back. You're doing great...And look at all the friends you have here. Already.

mich · Senior Member

Thanks... had a mini melt down tell you about it later... need to run, but I just read your posts Stepchild and justadrunk... you guys are keeping me sober please don't leave me. See you in a few hours. I need this today.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Not going anywhere....You can have all the meltdowns you want....But remember...WE DON'T DRINK HERE! See ya when you get back.

mich · Senior Member

Here is what is going thru my head... No one like you. Everyone else has this down and you are just walking around like an idiot. No one notices you are the meetings and they do not care. Why are you even there. Maybe you do not even belong there. You do not belong anywhere. Then.... ok get it together. God help me. Just take a deep breath. You can do this. Then... Geez I will never be able to have another drink ever again. Overwhelming. What was so bad about it anyway. Ok idiot you could kill yourself or worse someone else. Your and idiot. Ok you still haven't called anyone. You are a loser. Failure. If you don't call someone soon it will catch up with you. If you don't do what everyone told you you will fail. What's wrong with you. I am so lonely. I am truly by myself. Ok, snap out of it... Said a prayer and talked my way out of it, but still felt depressed. Then... around 2PM I was starting to convince myself that it would be ok to use vodka on my reeds again and then my mind went to drink it. Tricky... I got really scared. I hate this. I still have not had a drink today but I feel depressed.

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

Serenity prayer.

Was the only thing that worked for me in a mental state as you describe. Over and over.

You can stay sober. You have done so for one week.

You can stay sober one day--today.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Pick up the phone Mich...Get over the fear of the unknown....Don't listen to committee in your head. Talk to another alcoholic....You'll be glad you did. It's like your first meeting....Get it over with.

mich · Senior Member

Ok I am ok. I will make a phone call tomorrow. I promise. No matter how much it hurts. Like ripping off the band-aid. I am exhausted. Stepchild and Tanin you are right... it is time. Right now bed. thank you. Sober today.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Good job Mich...Congrats on not picking up today!!....You're doing great...I can tell you....Everyday you don't drink...You will get better....And it will get easier.

mich · Senior Member

Thanks for hanging in there with me Stepchild. I really appreciate it much and more than you can imagine. I went to a meeting this morning and it was if the reading and the sharing was tailor made by God to help me. It was the chapter in the BB on "to wives" After sharing with my wife last night how the time I totaled my car was because I drank I thought I would die. I knew she would be upset, but I didn' realize how upset. We worked thru it for about an hour maybe two. She has to be one of the most understanding people. Well I felt everything you can imagine for hurting her and putting her thru all of this shit. One thing is for sure though... I do NOT want to drink anymore. It is enough knowing that I could kill myself and more importantly others, but most of all I love her to much. I am happy today. Everyone in meeting this morning agreed that this was a shitty chapter for all of us. I didn't share, but everyones share was the same as every thought and action I was feeling yesterday and this morning when I walked into that meeting. I could feel their pain as I know they feel mine. That is what keeps me sober today. Thank God for his will being done on me today. After that meeting I called my wife to tell her just what had happened and she said doen't God work in mysterious ways. Yes he does. I told her I love her more today than ever and I can't wait to live my life sober with her. My promise a phone call later tonight. I can do it!

Thanks, Mich

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Very cool - I know the feeling(s) - especially when you are forgiven and you don't feel you deserve to be. Love it Kathy - such a wonderful post! I got a new phone yesterday - and it's charging. When it's done, I'm planning on calling you!

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

It's amazing how you always hear what you need to hear at meetings....Never fails. Here is something you can try. Instead of dreading making a phone call to another AA member....Try and look forward to it. I think you will be surprised with the results. Ask God to be there with you when you call.

mich · Senior Member

Ok I called... it felt good to dial a number. :) I am just happy I got that far.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

What did you do?...You didn't hang up did you?....Come on Mich...You're calling a fellow alcoholic....This is progress here.

mich · Senior Member

No I called tasha back and she did not answer. that's cool. I call though. That made me happy :) baby steps :)

mich · Senior Member

Oh yeah and you were right Stepchild the phone was like 500... no check that 501 LBS. ha

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

LOL....Ohhhh God.....Help me.

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

Hey - sorry I missed your call - I ended up going for a 4 hr scenic drive up north : )

Tonight I will be available - How is your day going?

mich · Senior Member

You know Stepchild you were right. Ok, I went to my 7AM meeting as usual. The reading again was right on the mark. Daily reflection was making amends. After other people sharing I realized, can I be on that list too? Making amends to myself. I am my worst bully. I am my worst abuser. My head attacks me... Mind, body, and spirit. I was killing ever fiber of my being. Obliterating myself one cell at a time. Ripping to pieces my body and mind with alcohol. I was my worst enemy. No one could treat me worse than my own mind. Sick to my stomach, it wretches and the thought of my own mind say. No one loves you. No one wants to be with you. You are a loser. Everyone is better than you why even try. Give up. Yikes!!! I have not progressed passed the thought, but it is there and I am glad to have the realization. Amends, what great things to come when I get to know you better.

Then... we read the 12X12... The reading again spoke to me. I was brought up in a religious and to this day faithful family. I prayed often and deeply. I even thought there is nothing I can do without God. But I was selfish. I slowly realized things were not going MY WAY. I slowly started to denounce my faith and the existence of God. To the point when I came to the conclusion that a HP did not exist. I grew angry and hateful. I was mad. I was determined to go it alone and I was sure that I was in control of my own future and success. Well, I was on my way to making a bigger mess of things than I already had and the future did not only include material stability, but mind, body, and spirit. Empty, lonely... very lonely... I shared that today at my meeting. I did not want to raise my hand, but damn if it didn't go up! Where did that come from? Today I have the answer... God. I just want to cry it felt so good and cry I did. Then I notice that others around me cried and laughed from my words and in an instant I felt home again. The pressure I felt the other day, call, talk, call, talk. God made my time. I need not be anxious, but a constant battle it is not to. I need not worry, only believe. The answer always will come. Be patient. "Deep breath" So after the meeting a flood of hugs and phone numbers and a welcome I never thought would happen to me, but only seemed to happen to those around me. I am home. I went to the bathroom cause man that coffee goes thru ya like a bullet train, but I said to myself as I put my head in my hands thank you God because I know that would not have been possible on my own. May your will be done upon me everyday. I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes from Moonstruck... Stick around my friend, have your eyes open, don't go on any long trips...

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

YEAAHHHH!!!! WONDERFUL!

Such a great post - and thank you for sharing your experience! You stuck to it - you didn't give up - that is all we can do right?

So happy for you today - and I can confidently say that it will just keep getting better : )

(((hugs)))

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

What a beautiful post....It makes my day. When I came into AA I didn't know how to live...And I sure didn't know how to pray. My sponsor had me read pages 86-88 every morning as part of my daily reading...You should try it. This is from page 87.

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.

What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.

We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why.

mich · Senior Member

Thanks to you both for getting back on my post. I can write bunches but it really REALLY helps to have contact with you. Thanks.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Then write bunches.....I think we all enjoy them.

mich · Senior Member

I read your post again from yesterday Stepchild. Thanks. Another 7AM meeting and good conversations. Then I went about my normal routine. Call the wife to let her know everything was good. See if she is good. All is good. I go to do some practicing. A musician by the way. The building I practice in is closed on friday. Not sure why I did not remember this. Anyway, on campus and it is a ghost town. Now what do I do. I start to get those feelings in my stomach. I do not know how to even live my life. This is like a pebble in the road and I am about to trip on it like a boulder. I start getting nervous that if my routine gets changed right now I do not even know how to deal with it. I was truly frightened that all those thoughts and feeling of alcohol and drinking would come back. Could my body and mind just take over and drive me where I don't want to go and do what I don't want to do. Frightened! Then I stop. Calm... God will take care of you, but I have to admit it is strange to stand with a simple dilemma and be completely perplexed and scared. I do not know how to live. So, one moment at a time I walked back to my car and drove home. Even as I sit here and write this though I am still uneasy. My day is different than I expected. Duh... that is going to happen everyday. It is all in how you deal. God guide my thoughts and actions.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Early on for me...I would pick one of these two things up....Maybe both.....An extra meeting....Or the phone.

mich · Senior Member

How bout a nap?

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Mich, I am gay and this has been no impediment to my sobriety. If anything it's helpful. I live in a heavily gay area Ft. Lauderdale. There is a gay clubhouse for those in recovery and it has been SOOOO helpful. Special interest groups (Gay AA meetings) exist worldwide and I suggest trying to find one or more if you can. It's a place where you can talk about relationships, share similar problems with folks that know what it's like to come out and how that plays into substance abuse sometimes. Not that we are "oh so special" for being gay, but it does help to find gay sober friends and fellowship (and sponsorship). Not sure where you live, but I hope it's in an area where there are gay meetings.

Incidentally, my first AA meeting ever was at a group called "Sober, Gay, and Proud!" Lol. Either way, we are here for you. PM me if you would like or if I can offer any other suggestions or answer questions.

Mark

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

mich wrote:
How bout a nap?

LOL.....I can't say no to you taking a nap...I'm just trying to kick you in the ass a little bit....With love of course.