The last time I drank was the morning of my court case... Thursday morning at about 7am. It is now Sunday evening, 9pm... so that makes more than 72 hours!!!
Last night I was tempted to drink... mostly out of boredom I think... but then I was like "meh... why drink?" and today I woke up with withdrawal jitteriness but it wasn't as strong as it has been in the past, so I got past it.
This makes me worry and wonder about what's next... it seems like I keep replacing my primary addiction for a new one. First was cutting... then I started cutting less and relapsed into my anorexia (I had gone about 10 years since I was anorexic then relapsed!). I continued cutting... but less so. Then I became heavily dependant on alcohol (I can admit I am powerless over and dependant on alcohol but my brain doesn't like to use some words sometimes like "alcoholic"...) but I still cut sometimes and still restricted my food intake... neither one of those to the extent that I used to... but both addictions/diseases still have their hold on me... I haven't fully done away with either of them and I want to. I can feel my dependence on alcohol slipping away as my drink-free hours add up... but I won't be surprised if I have bumps in the road and slip up and have another drink one of these days... Dr. Phil best says it... past actions are the best prediction for future actions and based on my cutting and anorexia sticking around (but to a lesser extent) well...
I think I need to try and lead myself to my next "addiction" to make sure it is at least something BETTER to be obsessed over. I'm thinking I should try and make church and church activities that obsession/addiction.
This also makes me wonder if some of these die-hard AA people have replaced dependence on alcohol to dependence on AA meetings. I don't want AA to become my addiction. I will continue going to meetings daily for now because my sponsor is telling me to... but I want the day to come when I go to 1...maybe 2 AA meetings a week at most. I don't want AA to be my daily/primary social outlet! Sorry AA loyal people!!
-- Edited by TigressErica on Sunday 29th of July 2012 08:31:45 PM
AA is not actually an addiction in that you develop a tolerance or experience withdrawal symptoms. I do think you CAN be overly-reliant on meetings for your sobriety though. I think with some people, they may be depending on meetings rather than re-thinking their lives and developing coping skills. A couple of meetings a week is fine for many people. I do about 3.
-- Edited by zzworldontheweb on Sunday 29th of July 2012 09:54:21 PM
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Ok I'm not a mathematician! 3 days is 72 hours not 36... lol... I think I was adding up 3 days and had a brain fart that made me think a day was 12 hours long. I swear I'm not drunk right now! LOL
I was listening to a tape of an AA speaker named Adam L. (?), found it on XA speakers.com. He talks about being around AA for 17years before he finally found the solution. He shares how during that 17years he was able to put down alcohol for a bit here and there, but picked up other addictions instead. He basically went through phases of greed, sloth, lust, envy, pride, anger and gluttony, and addictions to some sort or another with each of them before always turning back to alcohol. He shares how at last, and finally, he found a spiritual solution to his problem, and has been sober and also free of other addictive behaviors ever since. He shares how he does this by working with others. I could relate to him because I too had been trading off one addiction for another for years. Until I could trust that the solution was believing in something I couldn't see, touch or hear, I couldn't stop doing this. I was addicted to being addicted to something, anything, everything. I am so grateful to people like Adam who have gone through my madness before me and found a solution that works, but only if I want it and am willing to work for it. And that they share it so that I may benefit. I found this in the meeting rooms of AA, on sites like this and XA speakers. At first, I NEEDED to go to AA daily, sometimes even twice, three times daily. Today, after 18 months ( a little over a year sober), I go 4-5 times a week, sometimes more, on occasion less. Meetings keep me grounded and centered, and especially when a newcomer comes in, remind me that all my misery is out there, just waiting for me. A member of my homegroup who just took a 40 year coin comes to meetings 2 - 3 times a week. He says he does so so that he can be available to be of service to a newcomer and/or other suffering alcoholic if he is asked to do so, and also so that he remembers what it used to be like. I don't ever want to forget what it used to be like, I don't think I have it in me to survive that again. So just a suggestion and my 2 cents, take it or leave it, but maybe instead of looking for your next addiction, try figuring out what it is in you that is driving you to be addicted and work on letting go of it. You may find yourself able to live your life and enjoy the moment, for really, it is all any of us have. Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
I would try to restore some balance into your life rather than substituting this for that. It's not an addiction the drives people to meetings, but to cope with one. So keep that sober mometum going, for now. The rest you can work on over time.
As weird as it may sound... I guarantee that I COULD become addicted to AA... I just have an addictive and obsessive personality... there are chemicle addictions (alcohol, nicotine and other drugs) and mental addictions... such as addiction to food (see Overeaters Anonymous), addiction to starving and/or purging (eating disorders) addiction to pain (masochism) to inflicting pain (sadism) and so on... A person can probably become actually addicted to pretty much ANYthing!
Mr_David wrote:
I would try to restore some balance into your life rather than substituting this for that. It's not an addiction the drives people to meetings, but to cope with one. So keep that sober mometum going, for now. The rest you can work on over time.
Of course I'll try... I was just worried about what my stupid brain will cling to next... the other day I bought a scratch-off ticket (I NEVER but lottery and whatnot) a customer bought like 15 tickets which were all losers and then he finally gave up... I was betting the very next ticket was a winner, so I bought it... it was a $2 ticket and was also a $2 winner... ok so I got my money back. Then I bought the next ticket... it was a loser... already I could feel the surge of a budding possible addiction... I wanted the next ticket... it might be a big winner since there were so many losers and just 1 ticket where the winning value was the value of the ticket... but I made myself stop. I didn't want to start a freaking gambling addiction... then every customer who came in wanting instants... I suggested they buy that ticket and sold a bunch more of it so that way my temptation was removed. One of those tickets MAY have been a big winner... I don't know... because the following customers just took the tickets with them to scratch off later.
I didn't consciously decide to replace cutting with anorexia, nor did I consciously decide to replace my eating disorder with alcohol... it just happened... I don't quite know how. So I was betting that I will become addicted to something new now either way :/
As for figuring out what's CAUSING my becoming addicted to things... hopefully that might be figured out when I get my psych evaluation soon... my doctor ordered it with all my drastic compulsive behavior lately...
As you detox from alcohol and your body and mind begin to recover, we do try and grasp onto anything that can fill that need, (sex, drugs, whatever). To an extent in can be a good thing to latch onto AA or even church in the end the only thing that can really free you, is a relationship with the god of you own understanding and learning to love yourself.
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Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Romans 8:6 , The Message
Erica, keep coming back! you will find different things that you enjoy doing. the Big Book reminds us to find balance in our lives. we need prayer and meditation, and doing things to get us out of ourselves, but don't get too hungry or too tired, we have already proven we are dysfunctional, now is the time for finding balance. it doesn't just happen, we have to practice. it is a new awareness, pay attention to our bodies, to our surroundings, to our emotions. our Higher Power, AA, and the Steps help us with all those things. First things first starts with eating, sleeping, drinking water, going to meetings, and working. Keeping busy helps me stay sober. thank you for helping me stay sober today. hugs from sheila
I just called my Sponsor to be reminded what we watch out for. She said, don't get too tired, too hungry, or too lonely. And if you think "something" is a good idea, double check with an AA who has long term sobriety (or your sponsor) for validation.
I just called my Sponsor to be reminded what we watch out for. She said, don't get too tired, too hungry, or too lonely. And if you think "something" is a good idea, double check with an AA who has long term sobriety (or your sponsor) for validation.
This seriously makes a lot of sense... thank you! Just now I was having significant urges to drink... but my stomach was rumbling and the urgeto drink completely went away as soon as I started snacking. My urge to drink last night when I was just bored may have been because I was lonely. I've done such a good job at numbing all my emotions with alcohol for a good while that now I don't know how to interpret my emotions and my when body is sending signals like "hunger" my brain thinks the solution is "alcohol"...
and my when body is sending signals like "hunger" my brain thinks the solution is "alcohol"...
Yep, you ARE one of us for sure ... my brain thought alcohol was better than food when I got hungry ... I did that bit long enough that my liver shut down ... I was turning yellow going into rehab ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Congrats on the 3 days sober. A lot of good things said here.
The goal of AA is not to become addicted to AA, it's to get out back into a balanced life of family, relationships. work. leisure and service.
Will our lives be unbalanced at first? Yes, without recovery from alcohol drugs and other obsessions a balanced life will never be possible.
Are some addicted to AA? Probably. It's a lot better than drinking, if we need to hide-out in AA for awhile that's what you have to do, but it's not the recovery we seek.
What's your next addiction? Hopefully something recovery related for awhile, it's up to you, your no different than anyone here who has changed their life.
Once you get detoxed, we are still spiritually sick and will have mental obsessions. So If our problem is spiritual we must have a spiritual solution...
When we can get out of self, self is no longer the problem, get with you sponsor on working the steps ASAP and read up on 3d.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kills us! God makes that possible
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
*Unenthusiastic "woo!"* ;P Yeah I suspected and have started accepting that I'm a *shudders* alcoholic... But I don't wanna use that word about myself... It surprises me when I hear people say "I'm an alcoholic" with such ease... but then again it took a long time before I was able to actually use the word "anorexic" about myself... before that it was just "I don't eat as much as I should". So... great... it's confirmed that I've piled another self-destructive problem on top of me
I'm glad I'm an alcoholic. If I had some sort of other chronic disease I'd have to manage it daily just like I manage this, but with them I wouldn't get the chance to rebuild myself from the inside out and to get in touch with my soul. I'd know not serenity and I'd know not piece of mind. As long as I don't have that first drink one day at a time I get a life that I wouldn't have even dreamed of without this disease. And because I've been through hell I can appreciate heaven.
Ya know Erica, that the entire success of the AA program is based on changing the way we "THINK" ... as long as I allow myself to stay and wallow in my old patterns of thought, then nothing will change ... It doesn't matter how many different problems or addictions I have, I'll continue to stay mired in all the muck as long as I do nothing, take no action, and just sit there ...
It took getting 'fed-up' with my position in life, enough so, to actually make a decision to do something different ... cause this surely wasn't working ... and in AA I found that if I followed my decision with 'ACTION', then things started to change, for the better ... Today, things look great, never better, and all I have to do is practice the principles that gave me this freedom ... continued action, by going to meetings, helping others, and praying, ... give me a 'peace and serenity' in return that I had never known before ... So you have found your answer, now on to the solution ... Go get'em Tigress ... ... ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
