Welcome SoberMomma, I can relate to much of your post, especially about having a special needs child and a husband who finally said enough is enough. He had been saying for a couple of years that he was leaving, but never did. In my sick mind, I was like, oh, just go already, get out. Then one day he told me he was done watching me try to kill myself and I needed to get out. Again, in my sick mind, I considered it. And oh, by the way, you're not taking our son, because I don't trust you to care for him properly. WTF????? I had been his primary caregiver for 18 years. I hadn't been drinking all that time, but for the last 6-7 years, I was a mess. Getting worse by the day. Again, even with all that insanity, until I finally decided that I was going to get sober for me, and was able to make a true surrender, I couldn't do it. I began my journey in January of 2011. I was able to collect a one year coin on July 20, 2012. In the end, I drank for alot of different reasons, the biggest one being because I couldn't stop on my own. I tried, I wanted to, but I couldn't. When I finally made that surrender, admitted I am an alcoholic, and got a sponsor and started working the program as is suggested, my life changed. Funny thing, since I am healthier, so is my marriage, so is my son. Nothing in my life has changed. I still live in the same house, drive the same car, am married to the same man. My son is still autistic and will forever be a 4 year old, who just happens to now be 20. Today, I can accept that, and I don't blame anyone. Not God, not myself. The one thing, the only thing I had the ability to control and change, I did. And that is myself. I have learned much about myself in the past 18months. Some of it I like, some not so much. So I keep what I like, and ask the God of my understanding to help rid me of the rest. I can tell you from my experience, that drinking did not improve one thing about my son's condition. I had convinced myself that because he couldn't talk, and lives pretty much in his world, which we just happen to be a part of, that he didn't notice, he didn't care. I could not have been further from the truth. He has blossomed and grown as I have in recovery and in AA. I still go to meetings at least 5 times a week, sometimes more. It helps keep me grounded and centered in the here and now. I am learning to trust that things in my life are going to happen as they should, not as I think they should. The two are not always the same. As Pappy wrote, I participate in my life again, instead of being sentenced to it. The shame and the guilt still crop up at times, but today I have the tools I need to let it go. Congrats on 35 days. Today is truly the most important day we have, so let's make the best of it, sober. Thanks for posting. Peace.
-- Edited by nezyb on Thursday 26th of July 2012 12:05:39 AM
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
I'll try to make this quick, but I wanted to introduce myself and share a little of my story...I am 27 years old and have been sober for 35 days today. I started drinking when I was 12, and was drinking alcoholically by the time I was 18. Where the rest of my college friends would binge drink once a week or so, I already wanted/needed to drink daily.
I am a habitual DUI offender. I got my first DUI in 2005, my second in 2006 and a brand new one from about 6 weeks ago (charges are still pending). I have 3 on my record, but I should have a thousand...For whatever reason, when I'm under the influence I think it's a really good idea to go places in my car. I am not proud of this, but it's the way things are, so I wanted to put it out there.
About 18 months ago, I started going to AA. I got a sponsor and tried to work the steps. But I couldn't get past the second and third steps. My son, who was a little over a year old at the time (he's two now), had undiagnosed developmental delays, vision problems and seizures. (He was undiagnosed at that time, he has since received a DX). He was having countless tests done--MRI's (under general anesthesia because of his age), EEGs and tons of blood work. I couldn't understand why God would be hurting my child this way, and I was unable to grasp step 2 and 3. I was sober for about 4 months before I started drinking again.
For the last 6 months or so, I have been drinking constantly. I had a great job and was climbing the corporate ladder quickly. I began drinking before work so I wouldn't detox. That escalated to drinking on my lunch break, which escalated to having a shot every hour or so throughout the day at work. I did this for a few months without anyone saying anything. In April, I was called down to HR to be tested, due to suspicion of alcohol or drug use. I was fired, as I was under the influence at the time.
After I lost my job, I saw no reason why I couldn't drink all day, every day. Nevermind the fact that I have a special needs 2 year old to take care of. That's all I did. In May, I was in a car accident, after I had been drinking and I totalled our car. My son was in the car with me. I was not given a DUI then. I suspect because I didn't fit the profile the cops were looking for. I'm a housewife and Mom, the accident was around 4 in the afternoon, my son was properly restrained in his carseat. I drank again the next morning.
About 6 weeks ago, my husband, who had been threatening to leave me for a couple of years because of my drinking, said he was really and truly done with our marriage if I was going to continue to drink. I knew he was serious this time, so I left to go find a hotel to stay at overnight. That's when I got my 3rd DUI.
I realized I couldn't do this on my own, and I decided that I needed help. I was so scared of detoxing on my own, which was a big reason I drank when I woke up in the mornings. I would wake up feeling like I was going to die--heart pounding, dizzy, sweating, shaking, etc. I checked myself into inpatient treatment on June 20, and my sobriety date is June 21 (I drank in the morning before checking into rehab). I was medically detoxed and took rehab very seriously. I was discharged on Day 23 of sobriety.
I have been to an AA meeting every day since I left rehab, and will continue to go daily at least for the first 90 days but probably longer. I am optimistic that I can do this, this time. I have truly surrendered to the fact that I am powerless over alcohol, and I have also accepted God as part of the solution. I am not having trouble with Steps 2 and 3 this time.
I am working very hard on forgiving myself for what I have done to my husband, my son, and myself while I was drinking. I know I need to forgive myself to move on. Somedays I think I have, and somedays I still have an immense amount of shame and guilt over my actions. But I am working on it. My husband and I are working on our marriage as well. He has been attending Al-Anon and CoDA meetings, and did the Family Program in treatment. We have a lot of repair work to do, but we are both willing to try.
Wow...That was a lot longer than I anticipated. If you've read this far, thank you! I look forward to getting to know all of you better!
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"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Todays trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34
Oh, and I also wanted to add: My son does not have FAS--I didn't drink at all during my pregnancy with him. He has a genetic syndrome. I just wanted to point that out, because by reading my post, it would be pretty easy to assume FAS from the description.
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"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Todays trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34
1st of all, congrats on 35 days ... that's no easy feat ... what really hit me with your story is your son ... When my wife and I had our first son, he too, had almost the same symptoms as you describe with yours ... our son was 2 and 1/2 and still could not walk ... the hospital and Drs did all the same test you're going through, well except MRI & CT, cause he was born in 1974 ... they kept coming back and telling us there was no reason, or diagnosis, they could find to explain his problems ... even a DNA test at Vanderbuilt Univ. Hosp. said our kid was normal ...
Long story ... ... Our son never was diagnosed until a 2nd DNA test at eleven years old ... (meaning we went through eleven years of pure Hell not knowing what his problem was ...) ... I blamed my escalating drinking on him ... there was also this God blaming thing going on with us too ... again another long story ...
Your drinking pattern was a lot like mine ... perhaps I drank a few more years, but still there are very close similarities ... I can tell you that when I finally buckled down and actually did what my AA friends suggested, I started getting better and the drink craving went away ... Please get a good sponsor, someone who looks good wearing sobriety and is comfortable doing so ... someone who you frequently see at meetings ... Work the steps at a pace your comfortable with ... You mentioned doing 90 meetings in 90 days and probably more ... I was sicker than most, so I did 8/9 meetings a week for almost 2 years ...
AA is a way of life ... a good one ... I can now participate in life once again, instead of 'dropping out' to drink and complain about how LIFE ISN'T FAIR TO ME ...
Work the program Momma so you can be one!!!
Love You and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to the drinking almost everyday in college and the DUi's and I got sober at a young age (24) quite a few years ago.
Stay with the program and the promises do come true. This is a great site to learn and keep your head in the right place while your not at a meeting. Also some great women who understand what you're going through.
Rob
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Welcome Kristen! Sounds like we suffer from the same Malady. Your story is a lot like mine. The good thing is the solution is the same also. Keep posting and help us stay sober.
For me, it was the 'spiritual' emphasis in AA that finally allowed me to accept my oldest son's disabilities ... I learned that these things are a part of God's universe, that I and my wife were not being picked on by God, nor were we to blame, but perhaps we had Scott as a lesson in life to us and to others, rather than any kind of punishment or burden or what-ever ... Scott is now 38 and living comfortably in a 'group' home for persons with his same handicap ... heavy medication is a way of life for him ... he would be uncontrollable without it ... but he does still have a good life and we have him every month for the weekend ... He really is a blessing, once you realize God's purpose ...
I've said this before, ... I found it too much to accept that Scott would always have the mind of a 5 year old ... that he wasn't even diagnosed until he was 11 or 12 ... That I wouldn't have that life of raising a 1st born son up doing the baseball, fishing, camping, fixing things, etc. ... I used this to launch my drinking career ... I learned to dump Scott on my wife and disappear into my addiction with my friend alcohol ... Oh man, was I soooo very selfish and self-centered ... for years ... The BB is 100% correct, it was all about ME ... and recent topics here on this site involve guilt ... WOW ... we all have our own share of that, but the program of AA solves all of these obstacles, trust me, work the program, trust in God, and you'll receive the blessings ... plain and simple ...
Love Ya'll and God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Your story is my story....Minus the kid...Otherwise I could have wrote it. Here is how I made this program get this hopeless.....Helpless alcoholic out of the gutter....I took the action...Needed from the decision I made in step 3....To make it work. That action....Is working steps 4 through 9.....Without that....Step 3 means nothing. Congrats on 35 days....I'm glad you are here. We can help you get through this thing...Start praying that you find the right sponsor...I'll join you.
Thank you guys so much for the warm welcome! I got a sponsor today at the meeting I went to. She has been sober for 12 years, and we are going to meet tomorrow before the meeting. Pappy, your response about Scott being a lesson for you and others really resonated with me. I am viewing my son that way as well. I think Gabe is going to teach us all so much more than we will teach him about life. If you don't mind me asking, what was Scott's diagnosis? Gabe has Fragile X Syndrome. Again, I appreciate everyone's responses to my post! I am definitely going to check in on this board regularily.
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"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Todays trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34
Scott was diagnosed with 'Prader Willi Syndrome' ... ... ... very rare ... long story, but Vanderbilt finally did a second DNA test 10 years later than the first one, and it showed up this time ... it showed his dna was missing 15% of its genetic code on one chromosome ... don't remember which one ... 'wikipedia' it if you'd like to know more ...
Scott was not supposed to live past his mid-twenties ... he's now 37 ... with a lot of medical issues, but has long out-lived his prognosis ... he has no facial hair and has the look of a young teen ...
PM me, should you like to know more ...
God Bless, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Then one day he told me he was done watching me try to kill myself and I needed to get out. Again, in my sick mind, I considered it. And oh, by the way, you're not taking our son, because I don't trust you to care for him properly. WTF????? I had been his primary caregiver for 18 years. I hadn't been drinking all that time, but for the last 6-7 years, I was a mess. Getting worse by the day. Again, even with all that insanity, until I finally decided that I was going to get sober for me, and was able to make a true surrender, I couldn't do it. 
Welcome to MIP! Keep coming back!!!