Oh God, oh God, Oh God oh god.... oh man... I already failed... I woke up with this oh...ver...whelm...ing... anxiety attack. Oh man....... and that drink only made my body feel a little better... made my mind feel worse because I feel like such a failure... I did so well yesterday.
I'm still shaking like a crispy brown leaf on a bare branch in the Fall...
(Also... please forgive me (God and users here) for using God's name in vane.... and the following profanity....
FUCK.... FULL BLOWN PANIC ATTACK!!!!
EDIT: Breathe./.. breathe......... serenity prayer... I can not control what I did in the past and can not control what the judge decides today... I can only show up, do my best to show them I'm a respectful person and am truly repentant; am getting help and support from numerous sources/ Starting... (only barely starting) to calm down.........
-- Edited by TigressErica on Thursday 26th of July 2012 04:02:28 AM
Tomorrow is my first of 2 court dates... the one after tomorrow is August 14th. PLEASE PLEASE... I would appreciate prayers to anyone's higher power in whatever form that prayer is... Please consult your higher power to allow the courts to make the best decisions in my case. I deserve punishment... I will not dispute that... but if they lock me up, even for just a month or even just a weekend (both of which are possible outcomes) I will lose my job... and with my record... it's so very unlikely I'd be able to get another job which would hurt my recovery even more... no money for gas to get to meetings, unability to pay bills, and so on.
Also... wish me luck in continuing to stay sober tomorrow... my addicted brain is telling me that if the consequences are horrible, that I'll be driven to drink... but my stupid addicted brain is also saying that if things go well I could reward myself with a little alcohol. What the hell is wrong with me? *sigh* Actually I can tell you myself what's wrong with me...
The Big Book says in Chapter 5 "How it Works":
Remember that we deal with alcohol--cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us.
My dependance trying to find any reason to allow me to have some. Just today my mind kept saying "just a little bit... just a little drink".
Grr!
So please also wish me luck in resisting the temptation to drink, regardless of how my court case goes.
My prayers are with you Erica...For strength and courage...And that you get the best outcome for your legal issues...Don't pick up the first drink....And do the next right thing. Whatever you see...That can be helpful to you...Or anyone else...Do it....When we do good things....Good things come back to us.
My prayers are with you Erica...For strength and courage...And that you get the best outcome for your legal issues...Don't pick up the first drink....And do the next right thing. Whatever you see...That can be helpful to you...Or anyone else...Do it....When we do good things....Good things come back to us.
Same thing Stepchild said ... Ditto ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
You have my prayers. Please remember to trust in your higher power-- even if consequenses include losing your job. Remember that your exactly where your supposed to be. Keep the serenity prayer in mind. And that maybe letting the judge know your getting "treatment" for your addictions may help your case.
Hugs & prayers
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In the end, everything will be alright. If it is not alright, it is not the end... Paulo coelho (also marigold hotel)
Noon... there's a phone conference AA meeting at noon eastern time... If I'm home from court by then... I will SOOoo be calling it.
If anybody is curious... it's a free call except for long distance and/or minute usage... but the number is 712-432-0075 and when prompted for the meeting/conference number it is 654443# I hope to be there. I think these daily noon meetings are just topic/open meetings.
Course... as soon as I get home, I'll also be jumping on here to share what happened :/
I had a long history of giving up on myself...it went way back to when I was 12 or 13...I would do something good then shoot myself in the foot.
It's really not all that uncommon among alcoholics...it's a way for our disease to keep us from recovering and finding our own Higher Power...
I suppose when you're really ready and willing you could get to an AA meeting in person...get out of isolation and off the internet and take the bus or whatever you need to do...alcoholics who have nothing have been doing it for decades...many have walked the path before us...maybe you'll ask God for help or whatever here...ask Him to put a sponsor in front of you who can guide you through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous so you don't have to suffer anymore...
I wish you the best on your journey...don't give up on yourself.
I had a long history of giving up on myself...it went way back to when I was 12 or 13...I would do something good then shoot myself in the foot.
It's really not all that uncommon among alcoholics...it's a way for our disease to keep us from recovering and finding our own Higher Power...
I suppose when you're really ready and willing you could get to an AA meeting in person...get out of isolation and off the internet and take the bus or whatever you need to do...alcoholics who have nothing have been doing it for decades...many have walked the path before us...maybe you'll ask God for help or whatever here...ask Him to put a sponsor in front of you who can guide you through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous so you don't have to suffer anymore...
I wish you the best on your journey...don't give up on yourself.
That sounds like me! Shooting myself in the foot--self sabatoging myself as if I were a masochist!! I don't understand myself sometimes.
I DO want to get to a face-to-face AA meeting. I've been to 2 face-to-face OA meetings and countless phone meetings. It's just so convenient to pick up the phone and instantly be there... especially with fees and fines and bills piling up... I was afraid to even use more gas than was absolutely necessary (though... I HAVE still spent money on vodka in that time... I was chanting to myself as I did it though "stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, yes that's all, stupid stupid, sure here's my ID, stupid stupid stupid, thanks you have a good day too, stupid stupid, stupid..." meh.
ANYWAY PRAISE my higher power!!!! Thank you all so much for the thoughts and prayers!! They dismissed one of my cases (the worse of the 2!!) and just gave me a fine of $200 plus court fines. WOW!!!!! That is SOOO nothing compared to what I feared out of all this.
But I know there was a reason for all this... my higher power was sending me a message and I think it FINALLY got through to me. And I am becoming much more serious about my faith and relationship with my higher power. This raindrop may have been a blessing in disguise... to quote an inspirational song and book that I love. Yes... this klepto was linked to my depression... but I think the message I finally got through to me from the HP has healed me at least in that area... I truly do... and I don't expect repeat offenses like this ever again.
I DO want to get to a face-to-face AA meeting. I've been to 2 face-to-face OA meetings and countless phone meetings. It's just so convenient to pick up the phone and instantly be there...
Willing to go to any lengths?....Or what's convenient for you?...I must have missed that part in the book where they give you that choice. Glad things worked out for you in your court case!
I DO want to get to a face-to-face AA meeting. I've been to 2 face-to-face OA meetings and countless phone meetings. It's just so convenient to pick up the phone and instantly be there...
Willing to go to any lengths?....Or what's convenient for you?...I must have missed that part in the book where they give you that choice. Glad things worked out for you in your court case!
I have a true desire to stop drinking. To be honest... I'm NOT sure if I'm willing to go to any lengths... but I'm trying my hardest and have taken it upon myself to try and be my own sponsor as well as having the sponsor I have who isn't as strict as I think I need. I was thinking about it and decided I need to assign myself to read portions of The Big Book daily and probably write my own feedback/summary/etc on that day's reading.
But anyway... the phone conference meetings are legitimate and official AA meetings listed along with every other official meeting on the site that lists them. Convenient doesn't mean bad. It's like chastising somebody for not going to AA meetings in another state when there are meetings on the same days at the same times in their own state. It's much more convenient and sensible for that person to go to the meetings close to home. I'm a techie kinda person and faithfully have been calling the phone meetings daily (with 1 day when I missed it) and I DO want to get to a face-to-face meeting because it'll probably have a bit of a different feel/experience to it... but the phone meetings are identical to the face-to-face meetings... you just don't see the faces of the others who are talking.
Just my humble opinion, not meaning to attack, maybe a little defensive... but truly not intending to attack. Thanks again for the prayers and the gladness of the positive outcome of my court case.
I don't take it as an attack...From my own experience...I was beaten so bad...And wanted this to work so bad....I would have gone to other states to go to meetings....As is...I went to at least two a day and sometimes three in my first 90 days.....I was willing to do whatever it took....And I did that. As far as sponsoring myself goes....I'm the idiot that got myself in all this trouble to begin with...Am I going to trust myself to lead me out of it?
TigressErica wrote:I'm trying my hardest and have taken it upon myself to try and be my own sponsor as well as having the sponsor I have who isn't as strict as I think I need. I was thinking about it and decided I need to assign myself to read portions of The Big Book daily and probably write my own feedback/summary/etc on that day's reading.
Stepchild wrote:
As far as sponsoring myself goes....I'm the idiot that got myself in all this trouble to begin with...Am I going to trust myself to lead me out of it?
Certainly a person could not JUST be their own sponsor... what I meant is that I'm going above and beyond what my sponsor asks of me... Reading the Big Book on my own daily surely couldn't be a bad thing... and deciding to write my thoughts and feedback on it only ensures I understood it.
Sometimes the teenager in me who would wait for my parents to go out at night so I could smoke a cigarette or do something bad, that repeats itself today...I get away with yet another thing and I reward myself with something that isn't a treat at all...like I keep trying to get away with stuff and see how far I can go...God is so patient and when we've sick and tired of being sick and tired we get our butts to a meeting...hopefully we can make it that far...many don't...I concider myself one of the lucky ones.
There's something not real at all about recovery on technology.
So let me get off here myself for today, take a little rest for myself, get in the shower and get to the meeting...myself I have $40 to my name right now but I'm willing...God will take care of me if I put recovery first...see you at the meeting...
