I will fail today... Also, my intro

TigressErica · Veteran Member

I will fail today... Also, my intro

TigressErica · Veteran Member

YUP!!! I just failed... just anticipating this day put me over the edge. *sigh* You all were right... I should have tried to be more positive and hopeful and strong... Don't worry though... I'm not DRUNK... just CALMED... Not that that's much better...

So... intro part 2. I'm also an exercise addict... a fair amount of anorexics also become addicted to exercise from what I've observed by going to anorexia support groups. Oddly though... I've found MUCH greater support from OA meetings than the actual anorexia support group in my area. Maybe it has something to do with those 12 steps. I can easily admit I'm powerless over alcohol but can not admit I'm powerless over food because... well... I can go 3-4 days without it! So... I'm addicted to starving myself I guess. What a mess I am!

I LOVE dancing. In fact for a good while, I was going to a different dance class a day... Let me see if I remember my old schedule... Swing dancing on Sundays (as well as on the 3rd Saturday of each month), Modern dance on Mondays, Ballet on Tuesdays, Ballroom dancing on Wednesdays, Tango on Fridays... and then there was nothing on Saturdays, except the 3rd Saturday of the month. (Remember that exercise addiction? yeah... lol... I also used to spend 5-6 hours a day at the gym) But my increasing depression made me slowly decide to stop going to each of those classes/dance events, and exercising much less.

Also... I'm trans. I've always been a girl on the inside... but I've been LIVING as a female now for about 5 years. I don't think I'm attractive (if I did, I wouldn't be anorexic!) but apparantly I "pass" pretty well because there have only been 2 times when I knew somebody was able to tell I was trans... and numerous times when I've told people I was trans, they were confused and asked "you want to be a guy?!?!" LOL. First "want" is the wrong word to use for somebody who is trans... but it cracks me up that I pass well enough that even when I've told people, they thought I might be the other way around.

What else... I was attending a church where about 95% of the attendees were gay/lesbian/bi/trans... and I was the Sunday School teacher. Not that I was qualified to be one... I was the only attendee who loves kids enough to have wanted to take that position... I insisted I NOT be the only adult alone with kids there though... so I reluctantly refused to do it until we managed to find a helper and we wound up finding TWO helpers. It's just safest... I would never abuse a child in any way... but I didn't want any shadow of a doubt to ever fall on me and what might be going on in that room!

However... both couples with kids eventually just decided to stop attending that church... No idea why. Then I learned about a GLBT accepting Mennonite church. That sounded like an absurd oxymoron to me but I HAD to check it out because I've always had a fascination with the amish/mennonites/anabaptists. I am SO loving this new church... and my spiritual self IS becoming more serious about my faith and my higher power. I hope nobody thinks I'm about to start preaching in here though... Religion plays a significant part in my life, but I never push my beliefs on others and I hate it when others do.

-- Edited by TigressErica on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 12:26:23 PM

-- Edited by TigressErica on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 12:37:35 PM

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

You don't need a drink. You are playing with fire drinking before and during work. It does sound like you could benefit from this AA program. However, you are describing global problems with impulse control that overstep (but do include) addiction. Not sure if you can handle taking xanax as prescribed..... I would meet with your psychiatrist (presuming that is where you go the xanax and not a family doctor) and discuss how impulse control is really the issue here. It is a theme running through all the "problems" you mentioned. There may be a better med or set of meds for you.

Aside from that, you do meet criteria for attending meetings and working on yourself in AA. This is a great site and I want to welcome you!! I hope you find strength and keep us updated on your progress.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Furthermore, if you believe you will fail - you will. Alcoholism is a disease of self-sabotage. Whatever impulse control disorder or problem you might have would also be a self-sabotaging thing. It's going take hard work and approaching this from multiple directions to change (spiritual, mental, emotional, and medical)

Neophyte · Senior Member

"its a simple program for complicated people. All you have to change is everything about yourself" This quote boggles my mind, but its the first thing I thought when Pinkchip sent his replies.

There is hope for you Erica. Dont give up. We are here for you.

Pythonpappy · MIP Old Timer

Welcome TigressErica, ... ... ...

If you don't already have an Alcoholics Anonymous 'Big Book', then I suggest you get one and read it ... the 1st 164 pages at least ...

You are in desperate need of changing your 'whole attitude and outlook upon life' ... like PinkChip said, if you have the attitude you'll fail, then you've just sealed your fate ... you WILL fail ...

You see, you've told yourself you'll not succeed ... so you've sabotaged yourself so as to fail in order to prove that you were right, ... to yourself ... (not too smart, but effective)

The AA program may help you, but I think you need more professional help too ...

God Bless,
Pappy

Tanin · MIP Old Timer

TigressErica wrote:
So now I'm up to about 37 hours without a drink.....There's more to who I am and hopefully this'll become a place to come to when I'm not at AA meetings, OA meetings ...

-- Edited by TigressErica on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 10:52:38 AM

Welcome to AA, TigressErica. Welcome to this site.

pinkchip wrote:
You don't need a drink. You are playing with fire drinking before and during work. It does sound like you could benefit from this AA program. However, you are describing global problems with impulse control that overstep (but do include) addiction. Not sure if you can handle taking xanax as prescribed..... I would meet with your psychiatrist (presuming that is where you go the xanax and not a family doctor) and discuss how impulse control is really the issue here. It is a theme running through all the "problems" you mentioned. There may be a better med or set of meds for you.

Aside from that, you do meet criteria for attending meetings and working on yourself in AA. This is a great site and I want to welcome you!! I hope you find strength and keep us updated on your progress.

Just which "criteria" are those that you refer to, PC?

I'm curious.

-- Edited by Tanin on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 06:17:17 PM

kevbo · Member

If you think you can't, you will find out you were right.

If you believe you can, you will often find you were right.

Regardless, being sober and happy is far better than being right.

TigressErica · Veteran Member

Now I'm nervous that part 2 will totally change everybody's opinion of me :/

Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned being trans... Don't worry... just like with my religion... that doesn't play a huge part in my posts on forums either... It could be part of underlying issues of other stuff though... I just mentioned it because it was part of my intro and I'm not ashamed of that part of me... I'm really only ASHAMED of my drinking... :(

Frodo · MIP Old Timer

Relax Tigress. You're one of us and you're among friends. Welcome.

TigressErica · Veteran Member

Pythonpappy wrote:

Welcome TigressErica, ... ... ...

If you don't already have an Alcoholics Anonymous 'Big Book', then I suggest you get one and read it ... the 1st 164 pages at least ...

I have PDF files of the Big Book, 12 and 12, the free sample issue of The Grapevine, Narcotics Anonymous "It Works: How and Why" (because materials from other 12 step programs can surely still help me) and have all these on my Kindle. I want to eventually get physical copies of those books and an actual subscription to the Grapevine... but I'm so broke right now paying fines for the shoplifting (the store I stole from gives a fine AND still takes you to court... so I'll still have to pay court fees and any fines the court gives me... at least I pray it is fines and/or community service at worst!

Pythonpappy wrote:

The AA program may help you, but I think you need more professional help too ...

God Bless,
Pappy

Yeah... my doctor told me to get a psych evaluation. The eating disorder clinic only assessed me for eating disorder related things; and this doc doesn't respect my therapist or my therapist's medication reccomendations :/

missyj wrote:
when my family caught onto what was happening, I went to anorexia and exercise bulimia.
Not a lot of people know that that exercise addiction is a form of bulimia! It's still purging the calories... just in a different way... but then again you went through it so it makes sense you would know...

Stepchild wrote:
Don't pick up the first drink...And you won't need a drink.
Uhhhhhhhhhhh...... I get crazy crazy shakey and jittery when I am battling to not have that first drink in the morning so I kinda disagree there....

Stepchild wrote:
See if you can set a goal of doing 90 meetings in 90 days...Make yourself accountable....Find some Gay/Lesbian meetings...But also have a mix of meetings...Step...Big Book...Open discussion...But try and get to one a day if possible...If you miss a day...Go to two the next. Most important thing...Don't drink today.
Oh I'll be doing many more than 90 meetings in 90 days... I try to go to a face-to-face group every day, then I call in to one, sometimes 2 AA phone conference meetings daily and always go to at least 1 OA phone conference meeting a day (though I have gone to as many as 5 in 1 day!!). I NEED the daily support! I have 1 person who is both my AA and OA sponsor... She has experience with alcoholism, anorexia and overeating so she was the perfect person to ask to be my sponsor :) But I initially met her through OA and when she told me to go to 30 AA meetings in 30 days... I was scared... I had been to numerous OA meetings by then but no AA even though I knew my drinking was becoming a huge problem. What the heck did I expect when I asked her to sponsor me for both programs... I'm kinda dumb... lol. But once I went to my first one... It was easy to continue going. But anyway, I started thinking it would be a huge help if an AA FORUM existed so I could visit it on my smart phone and/or Kindle at any time of day or night... so I googled and found this place :) YAY

Stepchild wrote:
I'm glad you found us and stay close here....There are some good people here...And we like to see people get better!
Thanks :) to you and everybody who replied of course.

-- Edited by TigressErica on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 09:53:37 PM

TigressErica · Veteran Member

Stepchild wrote:
Uhhhhhhhhhhh...... I get crazy crazy shakey and jittery when I am battling to not have that first drink in the morning so I kinda disagree there....

Well you can disagree with it...But if you want to stop...You're going to have to do what you have to do to get through the first couple months...I prayed a lot....I went to 2 or 3 meetings a day and kept myself busy with stepwork...But I didn't pick up....Is it easy?...Hell no...If it was alcohol wouldn't be a problem.....How bad do you want to not drink?....That's the question. What lengths are you willing to go to to make this work?...Simple as that.

Sorry, I wasn't trying to be rude... I probably misunderstood what you were saying... I thought you were saying that if you didn't have that first drink, that it was easy to get through the day without drinking at all... but I'm sure I was preaching to the choir when I was replying with how hard it is to just not pick up that first drink.

-- Edited by TigressErica on Tuesday 24th of July 2012 10:11:22 PM

missyj · Veteran Member

I understand what you're feeling, Tigress. I suffered from eating disorders for many, many years, before I ended up turning to alcohol to numb myself. I started binging and purging when I was in the 6th grade, and when my family caught onto what was happening, I went to anorexia and exercise bulimia. It went on for about 25 years. Have you read Geneen Roth's books? I found them to be very helpful, and AA is actually what helped me overcome my eating disorder. Shame was a huge factor in my problems.

People in AA are the most inclusive, non-judgemental group I have ever seen. Don't worry about the transgender thing. Not an issue.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

RE: You won't fail today!!

justadrunk · MIP Old Timer

RE: I will fail today... Also, my intro

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

Uhhhhhhhhhhh...... I get crazy crazy shakey and jittery when I am battling to not have that first drink in the morning so I kinda disagree there....

Well you can disagree with it...But if you want to stop...You're going to have to do what you have to do to get through the first couple months...I prayed a lot....I went to 2 or 3 meetings a day and kept myself busy with stepwork...But I didn't pick up....Is it easy?...Hell no...If it was alcohol wouldn't be a problem.....How bad do you want to not drink?....That's the question. What lengths are you willing to go to to make this work?...Simple as that.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

If I pick up one drink....I'm good for 20...At the least...That's just how I drink...It's not the 10th or the 20th drink that gets me drunk....It's the first one. That make sense?

TigressErica · Veteran Member

Stepchild wrote:
If I pick up one drink....I'm good for 20...At the least...That's just how I drink...It's not the 10th or the 20th drink that gets me drunk....It's the first one. That make sense?

Oh definitely. Once I start... it's even that much harder to stop drinking that day. I admit I DID have a bit more after today's first drink... and was going to have more after work... but I called the phone AA meeting which started the minute I got off work. Parked down the street so I could concentrate more on the meeting. The meeting isn't what stopped me from having more... it was just will power I guess... and I'm fighting it right now in fact. My body is begging for it... But I think I'll survive the rest of today without drinking any more... I hope.

Stepchild · MIP Old Timer

That's what you have to do...Do it on your own power for awhile....You work those steps and you'll be doing it with the help of a power greater than you....Where do you get that power?....By working the 12 steps. I was a hopeless fricken drunk....All I wanted to do was die. I needed change in every part of my life. You can't work the steps honestly and fearlessly and not change. It amazes me....But it works.

Mr_David · MIP Old Timer

Welcome to "MIP". Remember, failing is never an option, unless were doomed to fail -which I don't believe is the case. So keep the miracle alive, for today. Welcome, again.

pinkchip · MIP Old Timer

Criteria for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Of course anyone can go to open meetings. From my own experience - I had depression and anxiety the highly contributed to my drinking. The drinking was largely a self medicating thing but it took on a life of it's own and it definitely blossomed into full blown alcholism. So - what I mean is despite any other problem or issue you might believe you have - The alcholism has become enough of an issue all on its own. It got that way for me.

I had few coping skills and thought it was cuz I was gay - had been through a lot, had mental issues, but my alcholism was perpetuating and worsening my reaction to all those things.

I went to most of my meetings at an LBGT clubhouse and there were/are several trans people there. The disease of alcholism is equal opportunity unfortunately.