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Post Info TOPIC: Is Silent Withdrawal An Expression Of Anger?
Phil


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Is Silent Withdrawal An Expression Of Anger?
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By silently withdrawing into myself, isolating myself from others, I show anger in a passive way. I am: angry over some real or perceived offense. incapable of venting my anger openly and prefer to remain silent. afraid of an outburst of anger, afraid I'll be unable to stop. stuffing my feelings to stay in control. refusing to show them that they have ``gotten'' to me. so full of anger, resentment, bitterness, and hostility that I'd rather remain silent than overreact to the situation. blocked in my ability to be honest with others, unable to show honest anger. unaware of my anger and even find it offensive or surprising when someone suggests that I am angry. setting myself up for other forms of unhealthy anger expression. not giving others the benefit of my feedback about their behavior, setting the scene for a repeat performance. giving others the power to intimidate me. avoiding assertive behavior in letting others know how they have angered me. piling up unresolved anger, adding to my bank account of unresolved anger, making me more and more emotionally silent, withdrawn, and isolated. out of touch with my true feelings, denying these feelings to others. incapable of showing my negative side, afraid of disapproval and rejection.


What are behavioral patterns resulting from my silently withdraw anger?


When I withdraw from the open expression of anger I am setting myself up for alternative forms of unhealthy anger expression, which are often self-destructive. They include:


Binging and purging. This is the clearest evidence of my internal anger. Purging violates my person and masks my raging anger. It is one way to rid myself of anger without having to express it.


Escaping into alcohol or other drugs. I choose alcohol or another drug to medicate my anger and calm me down. I find myself consuming these substances to the degree to which I currently stuff or have stuffed my anger in the past. The anger is never exhausted and I need continuous medication to silence it.


Overeating. This is a figurative and literal form of stuffing my anger down. In an attempt to nurture myself, I treat myself to a calming friend: food. Unfortunately my ``friend'' food overwhelms me by adding pound after pound. The ``jolly fat man'' is often really silently anger.


Daydreaming. When I am angry at what is going on, I can withdraw into myself; escape into my imagination through vivid daydreams. My fantasies concern how I would like my life to be. My daydreams are of a perfect life where my enemies are punished and I succeed.


People-pleasing behavior. I find it impossible to be honest with people when they have angered me so I set out to please them. I either do as much as I can for them so that they are grateful and never anger me, or I put my ``happy, good'' face on so they never know how angry I am.


Entertaining behavior. Rather than confront my angry feelings honestly, I resort to jokes, stories, quips, or any other diversion to avoid the angry feelings and act happy. I push my anger down and away.


Pulling-in behavior. Recognizing that it is better to be invisible during negative situations, I pull my feelings in and avoid contact with those who anger me. I become more and more isolated from the anger stimulus. I pull my anger deep inside.


Compulsive behavior. Excessive gambling, compulsive shopping and credit card use, computer use, uncontrolled sexual activity alone or with others, excessive reading or any other behavior gone out of control are external expressions of the anger that I harbor silently within me.


Workaholism. Escaping into my work or studies is a convenient outlet with which to avoid dealing with my anger. Because others often reward this behavior, it is a great way to hide my angry feelings, especially if they are negative and either unattractive or unacceptable to me.


Social isolation. Fearing that I will express my anger openly if people provoke me, I find it better to isolate and insulate myself from society. Being socially isolated becomes so comfortable that I choose to be a loner, a recluse, or a hermit never running the risk of interaction with others.


Depression. This takes many forms, including lethargy and exhaustion. It is unresolved anger. Helpers in my support network prescribe ``anger work-out'' sessions as therapy for my depression and it seems to work for me.


Stubbornness. I am so determined not to let others ``get'' to me with their negative attitude that I become stuck in my resolve to withhold my emotional responses. I get so stuck that I become unable to ventilate my anger even in role play or imagined anger work-out sessions.


Wearing masks. Rather than let my anger show, I wear a mask in front of those who anger me. I withdraw my true feelings into myself, often permanently hiding them behind my masks so that even I don't know what they are.


Peace at any price. I fear conflicts so that I will do anything to cover the anger and keep the peace. Peace at any price is often my motto. I work hard at keeping my anger and that of others hidden. Unfortunately, this often causes problems; the very conflicts I try to avoid happen anyway, but I am unprepared to handle them honestly and openly.


Shyness. Because I work so hard at avoiding my true feelings (especially the negative ones) I find it painfully difficult to speak with or meet people in groups. I get so used to not speaking that it becomes harder and harder for me to even try.


Stress-related physical illness. Certain physical illnesses are directly related to my inability to confront my anger the moment I feel it. These ailments include high blood pressure, cardiac disease, ulcers, many kinds of cancer, gastro-intestinal diseases, headaches, muscle tension, insomnia, and many others.


Using denial. Because I constantly want life to be happy, pleasant, and more satisfying than it is, I often resort to denial. I deny anger or hostility against those people who hurt, badger, or anger me. I remain unable to resolve my discomfort because my denial blinds me to the causes of it.


Minimizing. It is so much easier to overlook or minimize the impact of negative stimuli in my life than to confront it. However, this attitude misleads people and clouds my priorities. My life gets out of focus and I'm unprepared to deal with reality.


Procrastinating. Rather than confront issues that might result in negative feelings on my part or others, I put off that which needs immediate attention. This just worsens or exacerbates an already difficult situation and eventually ends in deleterious results for me and others. I wind up with the anger plus guilt.


Controlling. I control the situations in my life to avoid the discomfort of being angry. I like to control people and resort to intimidation and manipulation. It isn't honest, but I think everyone will understand why I had to do it when things finally turn out right and we all live happily ever after which really rarely ever happens.


What irrational thinking leads me to withdraw silently in anger?Avoid conflict at any cost. Keep peace at any price. It is better to remain calm and keep the peace than be honest about my anger. When I am angry, someone always gets hurt, so don't hurt anyone and keep it to myself. No one really wants to hear how I feel about things. I never gain by letting others know how I feel, especially negative feelings. I shouldn't show my anger. Anger is a bad emotion. It is a sin to get angry. Put on a happy face, even if I am not. Never let others know I am hurting. The show must go on. What would people think if they knew how I really felt? It is better to protect others from my negative feelings so no one gets hurt. It is a waste to tell others that I am angry. I will never accomplish a thing in sharing my angry feelings. Getting angry always ends up getting me into a fight. I will be punished if I show my anger. Venting anger is a waste of time and energy. I'd rather be a loner than get into constant fights, arguments, or disagreements. I've been hurt badly in the past by sharing my true feelings. I learned the hard way to let it go, don't deal with it. No one really wants to know how I feel. Being silent in my reaction to anger-provoking situations is a sign of maturity, health, and social decorum. I'd rather see those who anger me be left high and dry. They'll get no reaction from me when they mistreat or abuse me. It is pure revenge for me. I'd rather spite them than let them know how they hurt me. Keeping people happy is the best therapy in the world. Why bother myself with the negative side of life when there is so much I haven't experienced yet? I'd rather be silent and strong than outspoken and weak. It is a sign of weakness to show others my anger. I do more harm by being honest with people; it's better to lie. It's better to tell a white lie to keep peace and harmony in a relationship. I should protect others from knowing my ``angry'' side. Put up a good front. Continue on as if nothing bad has happened. If I'm quiet long enough they will ignore me, and I'll be able to live a happier life as a result. What I think and feel is irrelevant and unimportant; I'll keep quiet instead. Nothing good comes from my speaking up; I'll be quiet in the future.


Why do I tend to silently withdraw in anger?


I usually withdraw silently when I am angered because: as a child I was rewarded for being ``seen and not heard.'' I have never seen any benefit from my expressions of anger. if I ever get angry, I would lose my self-control; I would become obnoxious and offensive. I don't recognize my anger. I'm so conditioned to ignore or avoid my true feelings. I learned early on that anger could mean abuse for me. anger overwhelms me. I can't win. it feels right for me. I get so embarrassed when I'm emotional. I want to hide all the more later. I'm so hurt and upset that all I can do is cry. I refuse to let others see that they have ``gotten'' to me. people except me to be happy and carefree. no one would know how to handle me if I acted differently. it is safer to keep my feelings to myself. I don't want to deal with others' reactions. I can't tell the truth when the truth might hurt someone. I take responsibility for how others will react to my anger. I protect others from the negative consequences of anger. I'd rather exercise control. I want to keep the peace. I can't deal with conflict. others might disagree with me. no one is looking out for me but me. I can't trust honesty.


How can I handle my silent anger and improve my life?By assertively letting others know how I feel. By letting others be responsible for their own reactions. Do intensive ``anger work-outs'' on each unresolved anger issue. I need to identify the anger I have silently withheld. Realize that it is the root of my unhealthy behavior. Let go of the need to control others. Take the risk to be honest with others about my true feelings. Let go of my sense of over-responsibility. Let those in my life be responsible for their own feelings. Recognize that I usually end up in conflict and pain by minimizing my feelings. Be vulnerable with others. Take the risk of hurt, pain, rejection, and non-approval by being assertive when I am angered. Recognize that this is my opportunity for personal growth and healing. Take the risk to be honest when I am angered . Accept others' responses to my feelings. Learn what does and doesn't work in letting others know how I feel. Accept that I am a ``liar'' when I keep my anger in. Make a commitment to myself never to lie again. Take back the power I give others. Express anger with no fear of retaliation. Identify what others do to intimidate me. Regain power and self-control over my own feelings. Recognize that my shyness and isolation is unhealthy. Take the risk to join a support group. Open up freely about the anger in my life. Write an anger autobiography of my life. Take each event which has angered me and do an ``anger work-out'' until all anger is gone. When I find myself pulling into silent withdrawal, tell myself ``stop.'' Face my anger honestly and openly. Give permission to the support people in my life to keep me on track. Avoid pulling away from my support group when I am angry, hurt, or depressed.



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GammyRose


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Wow! I just got really sleepy as I was reading this...one of my defense mechanism so that I don't have to deal with something. I will be journaling about a few things this week.


I realized I had been stuffing feelings when I dropped my husbands things off at the jail last week. He was send to a state rehab. Anyway, as I went to get in my car I discovered I locked my keys ,and purse with the spare keys in the trunk, hey, some of you know, I'm known to lock myself out of cars , houses, etc...no big deal. Just call the locksmith, I have his frequent unlock plan, you know he punches the card so many times I get the free unlock.


Well, I started crying, just weeping, strong me...then it got worse, I was laughing as I cried. To make matters worse , the locksmith also has a wrecker service , so he had to pick up two cars before he showed up. So here I am no keys, I could get in my car, I didn't lock it...I was cold, no heat, so I kept going in the jail, once to use the bathroom, crying,I'm sure the jailers thought I wasn't just crying because of the car, they probably thought I was crying because of my husband, how dare they!


Yes, I could have called a number of people to come get me , or help but I just stayed there for the two hours it took my guy to show up.I had surrendered to God and said "Okay God , if this is what it took to get me to release this dam of tears ,then here I am, I'm Yours, let's get this mess dealt with." So we did..it actually started to feel good, a lady who use to be in the Al-anon group, stopped, I got in her car with her for a minute ,we talked, she said a prayer for me and left.


Long story, aready too long, my guy showed up, broke his pick thing off in the lock, took my backseat out , then we realized I didn't have the back speakers, so he slide the cover off one, reached in , grabbed my keys....Yes , I was still crying and laughing. As , I was trying to hand him the money, he was backing away as fast as he could, saying "You don't own me a dime, come by tomorrow and I'll get the piece I broke off in the lock, out."


Anger, sadness, hurt, unforgivness, just a few of the things I dealt with that afternoon... I was grateful my husband was locked up, cause he can get down right mean when I get locked out of things, hmmmm. I'm laughing as I think about this. but I better hush, I may start crying.


Thanks Phil, do you mind telling where you got this? It was good.


(((Hugs)))


GammyRose



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Phil


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www.coping.org     Gammy.....sounds like you had quite an afternoon...


And youre not alone...


I can go into denial...over things, I stuff..and hang onto...


A lot of its the old healing process..thing..also..


And letting that pain..come to the surface...looking at it.,..and letting it go..


We are survivors..we are fighters..we do not give up easily...


Surrender is a big word.....There are some days...I just hafta surrender to  pain....and turmoil....over some things.....and let it out...and its a big release..


And then..turning it all, back over, to a Higher Power...which Im certainly, far from perfect at...daily thing...


You have the best day..that you can...and again...youre not alone..


Big Hugs to yu..


 


 


 


 


 


 


 



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Easy Does it..Keep It Simple..Let Go and Let God..
nancyjo59


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My Mother used to say "Tears cleanse the Soul". Sorry to hear you had such a bad day, Gammy Rose...


It seems everything that Phil's Post talks about I am feeling right now.


I had a terrible out-burts the other day.


Doug's brother was on his way to stay with us for a few days.


Doug has not worked in 3 weeks, We are "flat broke", I was running around the house like a chicken with my head cut off...cleaning, re-decorating...just sorta flipping out.


I had asked Doug to cut around the deck and remove my flower pots...so the front yard looked clean and organized.


It's a few hours until his brother arrives and still the yard has not been cut.


My anger was getting overwhelming( yet I was walking around like everything was honkey-dorey)


Finally I bursted. Starting running back and forth from the deck to the garage  with the flower pots.


I was like a raving maniac...Pulled out the lawn mower and at this point Doug tried stopping me...which only made me crazier. I rammed into him with the lawn mower right into his legs(thank God I had not started it).


I ran into the house...got my purse and was leaving.


Doug literally Grabbed me and I was in a "Bear Hug". I could not move. I was out of my tunnel vision of anger...and exaused!!!!


If I would not of went a-long trying to be the perfect person...and keeping all my anger inside all that would of not happened.


The bottom line is...All that time all I wanted was a "Drink".


It feels good to just get all this off my chest.


Thanks for listening


Take Care


Nancy Jo



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rosie light shines


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Phil wrote:
 I'd rather remain silent than overreact to the situation. blocked in my ability to be honest with others, unable to show honest anger. unaware of my anger and even find it offensive or surprising when someone suggests that I am angry.


 


####ROSIE....i was afraid of showing my anger at first, i was afraid i would  *lose it* and go off.....so i stuffed it


: Binging and purging. This is the clearest evidence of my internal anger. Purging violates my person and masks my raging anger. It is one way to rid myself of anger without having to express it.


 


####ROSIE...yep, i even did this...i would  STUFF food down my throat and than i would throw up so as to not *feel like a pig/ bloated*  etc.....i am really grateful that i was able to stop this w/out  intensive therapy i could not afford..funny,  i remember  i stopped when i ALLOWED me to get PISSED off......


Escaping into alcohol or other drugs. I choose alcohol or another drug to medicate my anger and calm me down. I find myself consuming these substances to the degree to which I currently stuff or have stuffed my anger in the past. The anger is never exhausted and I need continuous medication to silence it.


 


####ROSIE...oh yeah,  getting drunk,  medicate me/ calm my demons down...keep em drowsy with alcohol so i didn't have to hurt so bad......i needed to drink each night to be able to sleep  AND it helped me fantasize in my other *happy world*


Overeating. This is a figurative and literal form of stuffing my anger down. In an attempt to nurture myself, I treat myself to a calming friend: food. Unfortunately my ``friend'' food overwhelms me by adding pound after pound. The ``jolly fat man'' is often really silently anger.


 


3###ROSIE....wow!!  another thing i did....i was SO empty,  SO hungry for love and affection i *nurtured me* with food...filling the emptyness of my life instead of  looking within and meeting my OWN needs myself...NOW i do.....thank goodness i had good matabolism cuz i never got fat....i am about 15 to 20# overweight, but i think it is  the menopausal  *need to adjust*  like i cannot eat the way i used to....recovery  has helped me address this and the pounds are comming back off...AND i  do my nurturing of me the healthy way by allowing my inner child to FEEL


Daydreaming. When I am angry at what is going on, I can withdraw into myself; escape into my imagination through vivid daydreams. My fantasies concern how I would like my life to be. My daydreams are of a perfect life where my enemies are punished and I succeed.


 


####ROSIE...i was the CONSUMATE daydreamer....i had my *other world* where i could go and i was happy/  prosperous enuf to have my farm/ good husband/ children, etc...i had it ALL in my day dream world,  it was an obsession to  get home,  crawl into bed and go to my *happy life*...this one sucked so bad,  it was all i could do to  *be here*   but for  school and work i HAD to...soon as  my time was my own??? it was  back to my *happy world*.....now i am addressing my pain,  working through my pain,  its hard,  i want to drink..i want to fantasize....but i know that i will nver get past the pain if i do


People-pleasing behavior. I find it impossible to be honest with people when they have angered me so I set out to please them. I either do as much as I can for them so that they are grateful and never anger me, or I put my ``happy, good'' face on so they never know how angry I am.


 


####ROSIE...yep,  people pleasing to avoide abandonment, and to manipulate them to loving me,  accepting me...i wore many masks....i was a chameleon, out of my fear of being rejected or abandoned....than i got resentful for being used and abused....MORE anger to stuff


Entertaining behavior. Rather than confront my angry feelings honestly, I resort to jokes, stories, quips, or any other diversion to avoid the angry feelings and act happy. I push my anger down and away.


 


####ROSIE..oh a few beers and i was the life of the party.....laughter was much better than being honest and saying  "hey i am MAD"....anything to avoid the pain....


Pulling-in behavior. Recognizing that it is better to be invisible during negative situations, I pull my feelings in and avoid contact with those who anger me. I become more and more isolated from the anger stimulus. I pull my anger deep inside.


 


####ROSIE....yep, blending in with the furniture when folks around me would get mad...hiding whati felt....i isolated to avoid conflict


Compulsive behavior. Excessive gambling, compulsive shopping and credit card use, computer use, uncontrolled sexual activity alone or with others, excessive reading or any other behavior gone out of control are external expressions of the anger that I harbor silently within me.


 


####ROSIE....for me??? drinking/ shopping/ fantasy/


 


Social isolation. Fearing that I will express my anger openly if people provoke me, I find it better to isolate and insulate myself from society. Being socially isolated becomes so comfortable that I choose to be a loner, a recluse, or a hermit never running the risk of interaction with others.


####ROSIE....isolation to avoid further hurt....i showded myself cuz i just couldn't stand any more pain.....i isolated and drank to medicate my pain


Depression. This takes many forms, including lethargy and exhaustion. It is unresolved anger. Helpers in my support network prescribe ``anger work-out'' sessions as therapy for my depression and it seems to work for me.


 


####ROSIE...for me it was being tired all the time....i hear that unexpressed anger takes a LOT of energy...i believe it...since i have been allowing my inner child to express her anger, and i express anger at *current* situations, i am less tired........inner child work has helped me get the  rage out...exposing him for what he was...going to court and changing my name to RID myself of him as i do my inner child work....


Stubbornness. I am so determined not to let others ``get'' to me with their negative attitude that I become stuck in my resolve to withhold my emotional responses. I get so stuck that I become unable to ventilate my anger even in role play or imagined anger work-out sessions.


 


####ROSIE....fought and resisted EVERYthing.....i was determined , too, to not let others "get to me"....so i played the  "i don't give a s***"  game....


Wearing masks. Rather than let my anger show, I wear a mask in front of those who anger me. I withdraw my true feelings into myself, often permanently hiding them behind my masks so that even I don't know what they are. Peace at any price. I fear conflicts so that I will do anything to cover the anger and keep the peace. Peace at any price is often my motto. I work hard at keeping my anger and that of others hidden. Unfortunately, this often causes problems; the very conflicts I try to avoid happen anyway, but I am unprepared to handle them honestly and openly.


 


####ROSIE...i had a well meaning friend tell me  "rosie just keep a stiff upper lip"  i let her know how her "stiff upper lip"  damned near killed me and  "stiff upper lip be DAMNED"   if i am mad i am gonna let the target of that anger KNOW IT.....NO more stuffing feelings for me.....right/ wrong/ indiferent,  i VALUE my feelings, and i am gonna SHOW them...FEEL them...HONOUR them........too bad if someone doesn't like it...if i am honest and not stepping on their boundaries, i am showin it


Shyness. Because I work so hard at avoiding my true feelings (especially the negative ones) I find it painfully difficult to speak with or meet people in groups. I get so used to not speaking that it becomes harder and harder for me to even try.


 


###ROSIE...i think i am naturally uncomfortable in large settings.....i am picky whom i let into my *inner sanctum*  prefer small gatherings....i just don't like being surrounded by large amounts of people.......


Stress-related physical illness. Certain physical illnesses are directly related to my inability to confront my anger the moment I feel it. These ailments include high blood pressure, cardiac disease, ulcers, many kinds of cancer, gastro-intestinal diseases, headaches, muscle tension, insomnia, and many others.


 


####ROSIE...for me it was  IBS...back spasms i wouldn't doubt is my anger work still needing attention...lately  i have been angry,  and even tho i don't THINK i have been stuffing it, i think frustration has been kinda high, and so i tweaked my back again....i know i am still  letting old anger out....there is STILL old anger/  outrage/ grief, and in order for me to get past it i must let it go.....i think this latest back episode has been my being in yet ANOTHER grief cycle and there is STILL  anger to be discharged.....i am back to doing inner child work........not fighting it..being willing to not resist what i cannot change has helped.....


 


Using denial. Because I constantly want life to be happy, pleasant, and more satisfying than it is, I often resort to denial. I deny anger or hostility against those people who hurt, badger, or anger me. I remain unable to resolve my discomfort because my denial blinds me to the causes of it.


 


####ROSIE...oh yeah,  denial  like  "oh he wasn't THAT bad"...yeah right!!! he was a monster, and now i don't hide it....i tell it like it IS.....when someone steps on my boundaries, i IMMEDIATELY  confront them with it......NO more denial....


Minimizing. It is so much easier to overlook or minimize the impact of negative stimuli in my life than to confront it. However, this attitude misleads people and clouds my priorities. My life gets out of focus and I'm unprepared to deal with reality.


 


###ROSIE...yeah, i minimized the hell we kids grew up in... like "oh other places are worse"  like that means that we were *ok*???    minimizing the damage he did to me so as to not have to address all this pain/ outrage....i see the harm that minimizing did to me...so when i got into recovery, i went  "buns to the wall"  i let it ALL hang out.....


Procrastinating. Rather than confront issues that might result in negative feelings on my part or others, I put off that which needs immediate attention. This just worsens or exacerbates an already difficult situation and eventually ends in deleterious results for me and others. I wind up with the anger plus guilt.


####ROSIE..yeah, to some degree i put off confronting....now that i am not self medicating,  i now address the anger/ offense AS it happens....not letting it fester.....anger does not go away...it goes UNDER.....


 


Controlling. I control the situations in my life to avoid the discomfort of being angry. I like to control people and resort to intimidation and manipulation. It isn't honest, but I think everyone will understand why I had to do it when things finally turn out right and we all live happily ever after which really rarely ever happens. What irrational thinking leads me to withdraw silently in anger?Avoid conflict at any cost. Keep peace at any price. It is better to remain calm and keep the peace than be honest about my anger. When I am angry, someone always gets hurt, so don't hurt anyone and keep it to myself. No one really wants to hear how I feel about things. I never gain by letting others know how I feel, especially negative feelings. I shouldn't show my anger. Anger is a bad emotion. It is a sin to get angry. Put on a happy face, even if I am not. Never let others know I am hurting.


 


####ROSIE...for me?? controlling was my way of avoiding the OUT of control life i was in as a kid....i mean my life was COMPLETELY out of control. so to avoid that in my adult life i developed a character defect of excessive need to be in control...over EVERYthing....fighting and resisting what i cannot control....becomming FULL of fear due to the sense of helplnessness i would feel.....i had to be in control to have SOME sense of  security/ balance/ structure  PREDICTABLENESS in life.....instead of  letting my higher self take over, i would   stand there and *fight and protect* till i wore myself out....


The show must go on. What would people think if they knew how I really felt? It is better to protect others from my negative feelings so no one gets hurt. It is a waste to tell others that I am angry. I will never accomplish a thing in sharing my angry feelings. Getting angry always ends up getting me into a fight. I will be punished if I show my anger. Venting anger is a waste of time and energy. I'd rather be a loner than get into constant fights, arguments, or disagreements. I've been hurt badly in the past by sharing my true feelings. I learned the hard way to let it go, don't deal with it. No one really wants to know how I feel. Being silent in my reaction to anger-provoking situations is a sign of maturity, health, and social decorum. I'd rather see those who anger me be left high and dry. They'll get no reaction from me when they mistreat or abuse me. It is pure revenge for me. I'd rather spite them than let them know how they hurt me. Keeping people happy is the best therapy in the world. Why bother myself with the negative side of life when there is so much I haven't experienced yet? I'd rather be silent and strong than outspoken and weak. It is a sign of weakness to show others my anger. I do more harm by being honest with people; it's better to lie. It's better to tell a white lie to keep peace and harmony in a relationship. I should protect others from knowing my ``angry'' side. Put up a good front. Continue on as if nothing bad has happened. If I'm quiet long enough they will ignore me, and I'll be able to live a happier life as a result. What I think and feel is irrelevant and unimportant; I'll keep quiet instead. Nothing good comes from my speaking up; I'll be quiet in the future. Why do I tend to silently withdraw in anger? I usually withdraw silently when I am angered because: as a child I was rewarded for being ``seen and not heard.'' I have never seen any benefit from my expressions of anger. if I ever get angry, I would lose my self-control; I would become obnoxious and offensive. I don't recognize my anger. I'm so conditioned to ignore or avoid my true feelings. I learned early on that anger could mean abuse for me. anger overwhelms me. I can't win. it feels right for me. I get so embarrassed when I'm emotional. I want to hide all the more later. I'm so hurt and upset that all I can do is cry. I refuse to let others see that they have ``gotten'' to me. people except me to be happy and carefree. no one would know how to handle me if I acted differently. it is safer to keep my feelings to myself. I don't want to deal with others' reactions. I can't tell the truth when the truth might hurt someone. I take responsibility for how others will react to my anger. I protect others from the negative consequences of anger. I'd rather exercise control. I want to keep the peace. I can't deal with conflict. others might disagree with me. no one is looking out for me but me. I can't trust honesty. How can I handle my silent anger and improve my life?By assertively letting others know how I feel. By letting others be responsible for their own reactions. Do intensive ``anger work-outs'' on each unresolved anger issue. I need to identify the anger I have silently withheld. Realize that it is the root of my unhealthy behavior. Let go of the need to control others. Take the risk to be honest with others about my true feelings. Let go of my sense of over-responsibility. Let those in my life be responsible for their own feelings. Recognize that I usually end up in conflict and pain by minimizing my feelings. Be vulnerable with others. Take the risk of hurt, pain, rejection, and non-approval by being assertive when I am angered. Recognize that this is my opportunity for personal growth and healing. Take the risk to be honest when I am angered . Accept others' responses to my feelings. Learn what does and doesn't work in letting others know how I feel. Accept that I am a ``liar'' when I keep my anger in. Make a commitment to myself never to lie again. Take back the power I give others. Express anger with no fear of retaliation. Identify what others do to intimidate me. Regain power and self-control over my own feelings. Recognize that my shyness and isolation is unhealthy. Take the risk to join a support group. Open up freely about the anger in my life. Write an anger autobiography of my life. Take each event which has angered me and do an ``anger work-out'' until all anger is gone. When I find myself pulling into silent withdrawal, tell myself ``stop.'' Face my anger honestly and openly. Give permission to the support people in my life to keep me on track. Avoid pulling away from my support group when I am angry, hurt, or depressed.


 


#####ROSIE...i was  in the beginning totaly dishonest with my anger.....some stupid stimuli would  *set me off in a RAGE*.....i would curse and condemn my  *bad karma*  instead of directing that anger where it belonged--- at my perp......HE was the one who did this harm to me,  but yet, i  cursed everything BUT him for years....FINALLY when i got divorced in 1988 i began to really realize WHERE the anger came from.....and it would take MORE years for me to finally ADMIT and be honest as to how pissed off i was at  him/  at god/ at life/  AND at me...for some reason, i thought i could have rescued me and *dropped the ball*  like a child can stop her predator...but i was angry at me...for *allowing* it or  having to *allow it*  for having to *submit* to his evil....i could SEE my anger  , it was either  hot red  or ice blue...but it had a color it was so bad....i was a  *rageaholic*....raging all the time raging,   but never could get over the  *hump of hate/rage*  till i got into recovery and began working the steps....oh sure there is STILL  outrage and grief....they say the death of a spouse takes up to two years.....the death of my innocense/trust/love for self/god/life?????   i don't know HOW long it will take me, but i am slogging through cuz if there IS a way to be free??? it is working THROUGH the pain/anger/grief  to get to the other side......i am doing lots of inner child communicating now,  allowing her to  discharge the INTENSE pain she suffered.....however long it takes, i gotta do it.....i DO feel the worst is over with....but it still hurts...the betrayal,  my own FATHER doing this to me......i think i was so pissed is becuz  the   *big three* protectors in my life.....God/ father/ mother   ALL let me down....ONE was my predator....the other two, in my mind were his enablers.....i now understand that  god does not interfer in lots of aspects of our lives....i know understand that my mom was his victim too, that she was  mentally and emotionally dead by the time the  REAL bad stuff began to happen....that she couldn't save herself  (the shame drove her to drink herself to death...she KNEW she sinned against me and god when she failed to protect me from him and it killed her).....so i can understand and show compassion for her.......i still have a ways to go with the old  deep  hurt/anger/pain/grief,  but i am  shovelling it out,  shovel by shovel.....i just keep squeezing the boil of  hate and rage, and  each DAY i rid myself of more poison......


GREAT share, phil....thanks for letting me ramble here........peace/ rosie





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Robert


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i think i have the ssilent anger, by "proving to the world im not a loser that they think I am , or rather what they believe I am.


 



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Wren


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Wow, just looked at the dates on this thread--it's from Dec. 05, but what an awesome post! I'm glad there was a mess up, these posts are so relevant for today! God works in mysterious ways, eh? My big thing is withholding in fear of judgement. It's easier for me to play ostrich than to put myself out there to be vulnerable to someone else's critiques. I've learned tho that with risk taking, growth takes place, and as something posted a few months back? Even the people I don't care to be around know something that I don't, so I can learn from them. So I can place fear of judgement aside and open my heart to learn. Well, Phil, eleven months late, but awesome post! love Wren

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Yikes!!!   


 



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Robert wrote:

i think i have the ssilent anger, by "proving to the world im not a loser that they think I am , or rather what they believe I am.




OMG, yes. Me too. So many of my problems can be traced back to a horrible breakup I had when I was twenty-two after a nearly 10-year relationship (first love and all that). She was a girl I'd been in love with since the first time I saw her in the 8th grade. I'd never considered being with anyone else until we broke up. It's taken me 14 years to really find myself again after that nightmare, when I lost any tiny amount of self worth I had. I overworked to prove to myself I wasn't a loser, drank because it made me so unhappy, felt worthless because I drank, overworked to prove to myself that I wasn't a loser, drank because of it...and around and around I went. I only recently fell off of that terrible carnival ride and started to realize how ridiculous it all was.

ZB



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Robert


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still true, was up till 2 in the morning to prove to the world im not as crap as they think i am and got some music made, still as rough as a badgers arse but hey its progress. perhaps im doing it for the wrong reasons??

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