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Post Info TOPIC: Reviving an older thread/post: RE: AA Resentment


MIP Old Timer

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Reviving an older thread/post: RE: AA Resentment
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Hello Harobed and welcome to the board. We AA'ers are a sensitive bunch, especially in the first couple years of sobriety. The description of the behavior of the group members in reaction to your relapse is not typical. I was a chronic relapser for the first 2 years of attending meetings and collected more than a few white chips. I was always welcomed back, although I did see the occassional rolling of someone's eyes, but that is human nature and I'm sure that I've done the same thing. There are a lot of us that don't get it the first time around. There is no shame in that, this is a disease and the natural thing for an alcoholic to do is to drink. Getting sober is unnatural to us and therefor challenging. One of the greater challenges we face is to avoid reacting to our emotions. "Feeling are not facts" my 1st and greatest sponsor told, along with "your mind is not your friend". I know that I was overly sensitive and took a lot personally. Once I focused on "the courage to change the things that I can" (only myself) I was able to disregard what other people were saying, and better yet, give them the benefit of the doubt, take the high road etc... One of our slogans is "Principals before personalities". Don't let anyone chase you out of a meeting, literally, figuratively, or imaginarily.



-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 7th of July 2012 09:24:19 AM

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I started AA in 1985 and now have almost 3 years sober. I so understand your relapse I've had a couple LOL. I'll let a sponsee go on his 3rd relapse. I just say may be what I got is not what you need. I am right now in the process of switching home groups myself. Resentment and just need a change led me to this. All I can say is when a friend comes back we'll tall about sticking with winners not to exclude you but to instruct you on what we did. I tend to try not and become a close friend of new people until they have a year or so. I will go have coffee, go do things be a friend just not a real close friend. I have had just to many people I got close to go out. That has led to people calling me for a loans. Getting F***ed-over many times. I try as much as I can to help. I do not care about a relapse it takes what it takes to get us here.

What others think of you...well

At the top of every 4th step I write...Ego is what I think other people think of me. Pride is what I think of me.
I need to be reminded of this all the time.



-- Edited by Dabent on Saturday 7th of July 2012 09:51:11 AM

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Back issues have me knocked down but not out. 100% disabled, chronic pain patient and SOBER! Been sober since 11/04/2009.



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I searched the threads for a topic and/or discussion I am currently wrestling with.  I copied & pasted a post that was the closest to my situation.  I could use some hard-hitting advice from y'all, please!

Doll wrote:

Wow! Biteme, again, someone I can relate to! 

Here's my ES&H; I allowed resentments against SOME AA'ers to keep me from meetings for 4 months, I relapsed in my 10th month of sobriety. What I've  learned, everything happens for a reason.  I'm back in meetings, and when those with the 'unwritten' rules share, I close my eyes and repeat the Serenity Prayer until they're finished,  I'm in AA for ME - I earned my seat - sometimes it takes a set back to gain new sight (or insight), and the newcomers NEED those of us who really do live the program - it's my duty to be there for them!  So, be bitter and hateful all you need to, get it out, then let it go.

Go to meetings, for yourself and for those who need YOU..........



-- Edited by Doll at 09:12, 2006-08-02


I relapsed 2 days shy of picking up my 4 month chip.  I continued to go to meetings after the relapse but did not pick up a white chip.  I did pick up a 4 month chip I didn't deserve.  Ego and image.  But the "God consiousness" had manifested in me, and the guilt led me to picking up a white chip 3 weeks into my relapse. 

People in my local AA community were shocked and disappointed, because they had vested so much in me.  The AA'ers became distant towards me, and in the meetings there were several discussions about sticking with the winners.  Not only did I disappoint myself, but many others.  My sponsor "fired" me, nobody would include me or acknowledge me in the conversations before and after each meeting.  My service "job" for my homegroup was the Intergroup representative; when I attended the last monthly meeting there at the Intergroup, there was a sign over the entrance door that read "You are not alone anymore".... I welled up with tears when I read that, and turned around and drove home, crying the whole way.  I had never felt so all alone, ever.

I can't return to my local area meetings.  I have been driving outside city limits just to get to a meeting, and also online here at MIP.  AA is my way of life now...what to do?



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"The AA'ers became distant towards me, and in the meetings there were several discussions about sticking with the winners.  Not only did I disappoint myself, but many others.  My sponsor "fired" me, nobody would include me or acknowledge me in the conversations before and after each meeting" I have run into a situation similar to this. So I came across a few options, I hope this helps. 1. I originally started with NA, so I switched my meetings to aa. 2. When I feel I have something outside of alcohol to share at a meeting, I go to an NA meeting where the people who shunned me do not frequent. I dint know how many meetings you make, or how big your area is, but I know I can hit two meetings a day in either program and not see a single person twice. 3. We all mess up. Share about how you feel. Good luck, may the force be with you.

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MIP Old Timer

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Hi Harobed,

1st thing is get a new sponsor or make amends with your old sponsor and maybe ask her what to do. Just based on what you wrote, I'm thinking people are confused about your honesty. Relapse while not reqired is not that unusual. People who have been sober in AA understand relapse and how new people often struggle with honesty.

There are a few things I would suggest assuming you want to go back to your homegroup. Get to the meeeting early, set up and shake hands with everyone. Do this every week for a month or so and people will see your getting in the middle of the bed and mean business.

The other and more advanced thing would be to share with the group/ ex-sponsor or some members, where you have been wrong/dishonest, what you are doing and what your aim is moving forward.

If you have God in your life, you can get over the fear and go back to your local meetings.

Fears.....we put them on paper and asked God why we had them. Was it not because self reliance had failed us?



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Rob

"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."



MIP Old Timer

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In the local groups I attend Colleen, ... I'd bet there's no more than 4 or 5 out of 60 to 80 that have never relapsed ... So when we see someone that's been around a while, pick up a white chip ... Yes, some of us are shocked, but for the most part, we gather around this person and give them extra hugs after the meeting, to let them know they made the right decision to return and try again ... May be it's just our area, but most of us are very 'tolerant' of others failures because most of us know ... ... ... "There, But for the Grace of God, go I" ...

Pappy



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I appreciate each of your responses, and I see the truth in them. Funny you should mention "Principles before personalities". I admit I'm sensitive, but tough...and I did keep going back to the regular meetings after picking up the white chip, despite the cold shoulder(s) and isolation before and after meetings. I humbly shared openly and privately about the relapse and my dishonesty. The format of our local meetings always begins by someone reading the Steps, then someone else reading the Traditions, then another reading the 9th Step Promises. I always volunteered to read the Traditions for this very reason. And when I came to the 12th I put a subtle emphasis on ...ever reminding us to place principles before personalities...and would glance around the room to see blank expressions on their faces.

I know it is not the typical AA community I have here, and it's unfortunate. To make peace with the resentment, I follow the suggestion on pg. 552. Sometimes, I'm not saying this is the case with my situation because I don't know, but sometimes we can see things we don't like about ourselves in other people and their actions....so we turn away.

I'll stay the course! Thanks again for your responses. It's important to me that I show up here at least once a day for the next 30 days.



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~Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will~

A.A.,p. 63



MIP Old Timer

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Harobed wrote:

I appreciate each of your responses, and I see the truth in them. Funny you should mention "Principles before personalities". I admit I'm sensitive, but tough...and I did keep going back to the regular meetings after picking up the white chip, despite the cold shoulder(s) and isolation before and after meetings. I humbly shared openly and privately about the relapse and my dishonesty. The format of our local meetings always begins by someone reading the Steps, then someone else reading the Traditions, then another reading the 9th Step Promises. I always volunteered to read the Traditions for this very reason. And when I came to the 12th I put a subtle emphasis on ...ever reminding us to place principles before personalities...and would glance around the room to see blank expressions on their faces.

I know it is not the typical AA community I have here, and it's unfortunate. To make peace with the resentment, I follow the suggestion on pg. 552. Sometimes, I'm not saying this is the case with my situation because I don't know, but sometimes we can see things we don't like about ourselves in other people and their actions....so we turn away.

I'll stay the course! Thanks again for your responses. It's important to me that I show up here at least once a day for the next 30 days.


 I'm glad you're staying the course dear, it does make sense regardless.



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Mr.David


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Mr_David wrote:

 I'm glad you're staying the course dear, it does make sense regardless.


 Not sure I understand what you mean here?confuse



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~Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will~

A.A.,p. 63

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