A little while ago I bought a 40.oz bottle of malt liquor for some retarded sick reason. I drank it a while ago and I returned to get beer on 3 seperate occasions. I wasnt even aware of it but my entire world was a sick place in so many ways it was unreal. I wasnt able to see it but I was in my apartment babbling to myself, angry at everyone and even my spiritual health was that of a sick, weird, evil person. I was planning on telling everyone in my life to Fuck off and I was wanting to hit the road and do everything myself, I was planning on setting up a whole life on my own and running from my building. I was the same sick evil person I was years ago before I went to the sanitarium. I was sitting on the edge of my bed this morning having a beer and I somehow said "Im fucking up" and I decided to flush it all down the drain and get rid of all evidence of alcohol. I threw some cigarettes down the toilet and I said "I want something better" I want to sort this out and thats all Im trying to do. As soon as I felt that I returned to my sanity from a while ago and my entire life was lit up in a comforting light. The sick spirit is out of my apartment and I was completely sane. I went outside and got a sandwich and realized how nice of a life I have. I realized I love my family, I love my old friends, I miss certain people greatly and I have a small number of people who are trying to help me while I am in this terrible place. I am sorry for what I have done, I do not mean these things, I am an alcoholic. I do not want to harm anyone, I love my family, I am sorry god and I want something better. I am sitting at my computer right now completely sane and I can see the spiritual light in my apartment is that of a healthy ok person. I think I might attend some meetings soon and say a few things. I do not want this evil in my life ever again. I am ok now.
Take care of yourselves.
Closer.
-- Edited by Closer on Friday 29th of June 2012 05:49:56 PM
It's great to have you back Closer, it really is. And I know how awkward this may seem, but guess what...you're not alone. I've been there numerous times myself, so I know how the transition process works. But there is a light at the end of that tunnel even for you Closer and A.A. is where it began for me.
Fighting those feelings you talked about, whether its uselessness, fear or an irritable disposition are trickier than you think. So don't fly solo on this one, okay Closer. You see, I was in a place of unrest also; a place where our actions and intellect collide. So I know how difficult it may seem. But let the truth be told, there's no better place than an A.A. meeting even if that decision causes us regret. So I suggest you start there.
What started there for me over 10+ years ago has remained that way ever since. And the reasons as to 'why' are all too real. A.A. is an important element in the not so friendly domain known as 'untreated alcoholism', that's why. So take that leap of faith again and start over with the help of some wonderful folks known as 'recovering alcoholics'. It's a decision you'll never regret. For me the choice is simple; A.A. has been my lifeline for 10+ years and that's something I'll never change, regardless. It's a place where I always feel welcome and at home.
Do I have any Suggestions? Yeah, get connected first. And start enjoying life again with the help of A.A. and sober forums like "MIP". Then, develop a sober routine that will work for you. It's your first step towards freedom and your final step towards lasting sobriety, guaranteed. So please start there. The rest, Closer, you'll learn along the way. Welcome back...
P.S. You've done nothing wrong, so stop apologizing for yourself. It's an interruption in your sobriety, that's all. You're back, and that's what matters most of all.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Saturday 30th of June 2012 04:22:26 PM
Glad that you made it back. Insanity is always 1 drink (or thought of a drink) away. I hope that you'll do more than "think I might attend some meetings soon..." and get to a meeting tomorrow to begin a 90/90. It's very important to get connected to a couple of groups, and a circle of fellow recovering folks. Together WE pull each other along. Please get busy with it. :=)
Like the others have said, get yourself to AA, but don't go with a view to "saying a few things". If you want to do that, go to therapy. AA is not group therapy although we seem to have an abundance of amatuer therapists at times.
AA has a vital message for you and you will only hear it by listening. Listen for the similarities, listen for the solution, listen to how people with substantial recoveries apply the AA program in their lives, listen for hope, listen for guidance, listen listen listen and you will get the message. Trust me Closer, you need this message far more than you need to talk. BTW I don't believe you ever were an evil person, but you suffer from what could be called an evil disease, and it requires a spiritual solution.
Thankyou all of you for your support. Reading these things on the computer helps me to stay focused on the important thing which is sobriety. It helps more than you know. I am looking forward to many more meetings as I got to one earlier tonight and can see a very positive effect already. It makes me want to 'Keep coming back' for a long long time.
Closer, you are not the first person in AA or even on this site to have mental health issues along with alcoholism. Yes, alcohol alone and also drugs can get you so twisted that you think the world is "full of evil" The way you describe your relapse sounds more like a mental health breakdown in which alchohol became part of it.
I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety in the past. There are times when I feel the world is not right and it can be for no really reason at all. You have to separate your feelings from drinking. You will have other days when you wake up and think the world is a craphole. It's no reason to drink. Has it ever fixed any problem you had? The insanity discussed in step 2 is not your mental health persay - it's thinking that alcohol is the answer to whatever problem you are going through instead of having faith in something healthy or spiritually nurturing.
Welcome back!
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Just wanted you to know that those 40oz. called my name a many a time ... typically, I'd dry out long enough to get another job, a good one ... then after about a month, I'd be driving by one of those dozens of markets that you pass on the way home from work ... I'd stop and get one 40 oz.to get me home ... that worked for about 2 maybe 3 days ... then I'd buy 2, one for on the way home and the other for later ... Within one to two weeks, I'd be back to buying a case a day ... never failed ... (ergo ... 1 is too many)(especially if it's a 40 ouncer ... LMAO) ...
Glad you are sticking around to see what sober can be like ... it's really great when you make the AA program a part of your life ... Hang in there man, life really is fun and enjoyable when you finally learn how to live it sober ...
Don't forget the acronym S.O.B.E.R. (Son Of a Bitch Everything's Real)
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Closer, we were talking about this sort of thing at my home group last night. It's AA. We're in this together. Glad you're back here -- keep coming back.
Aaaaah, the brewery's got wise to 12oz. not being anything more than like eating one frick'n potato chip, heehee ... so most brands now have the convenient 40oz. bottles ... One beer, one brown bag ...
And if the wife asked if I'd been drinking on the way home from work, I'd just say I only had one beer ... (never mind it being equal to 3 1/4 beers) ...
Dag-gummit Dean, you been sober 50 years??? ... 40's have been around forever ... LOL
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Okay, I'll cut you some slack ... I remember going from the 12's to the 'tall boy's' to the 24oz cans(which didn't fit the cup holders in the car/truck) ... to the 32's ... but when figuring your 'best buy', I think the 40's worked out better economically ... heehee ... (lower cost per ounce ...) ... ... ... oh, as far as 40's being around forever??? ... I think my drinking career was a little longer than yours, so my memory isn't to be trusted in 'all' matters ... things back then are a little fuzzy to me now (lots of blackouts)...
And congrats on your upcoming 23y medallion ...
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Thanks Pappy. I started drinking at 8 and drinking hard and regularly by 11 (along with smoking pot and other things lol). At 29 I surrendered to win! I turned 52 earlier this year. What followed was a life greater than I ever expected, and shockingly so. My gratitude list is long.
Thanks Dean, ... ... ... Just for the record, ... my 1st drink was at 20 ... and being a little more stupid than you, I didn't stop til I was 55 ... I'll be 60 in October ... AND I too, have more gratitude for sober life than I could ever list ...
Ain't sober life GRAND?
Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
