In my last thread I wrote about my working the program and dealing with life issues as a Buddhist and atheist.  In that thread I received some comments that seemed, to me, to make the assumption that my lack of belief was a result of anger at God.  i.e. If there was a god, how could he let such things happen?

   That is not the case.  I am not writing this thread to defend my belief system but rather to share a bit of my own beliefs and my spiritual journey.  I have no desire or intention to sway anyones beliefs - only to share a part of me openly as I get to know you all and make friends here.

   My earliest memories were of dying.   All newborns enter the world screaming; I entered remembering why.  I was not myself - and yet I was.

I was born into a blue-collar, Catholic universe. There was no paradigm upon which to lay my memories. I had been thrust confused into a world I did not know. Only my dreams made sense and I dreamt of her every night for seven years.

Speech didnt come quickly or easily for me. I was almost two years old before I could put together the words and demanded to know, by name, where my love had gone; where she was.

Mommy, where Lori?

We dont know any Lori.

I WANT LORI!

Theres no Lori here honey!

It was over a year before I spoke another word.  As Gibran said, I had heard the whispering of my dreams; and refused to hear another sound. Of course I was taken to the doctors eventually. Tests were run, specialists consulted. Ultimately it was determined that nothing physically was wrong with me and I would talk when I was ready.

I intuitively determined that the answer was spiritual in nature.  During my eleventh summer I read the bible - twice.  I took notes the second time through, filling two notebooks.  At twelve years old I rode my bike to every different denominational church within twenty-five miles of my home looking for the answers.

I didn't find them there.  My understanding of the bible and my own memories and experiences were so different than anything I heard.  At that time, pre-internet, I had no idea there were other religions than Christianity.  Then I found the library.  There were hundreds of books covering every religion.  Over the next year I read every one of them - many more than once. 

Buddhism immediately struck a chord with me and gave me a paradigm on which to explain my memories and dreams.  Years later, I was drinking a cup of coffee and saw my wife for the first time.  My coffee cup hit the ground.  It was Lori...and not Lori, of course.  But it was her.  I waited four days before I informed her I was spending the rest of my life with her. Didn't want to scare her off or anything by moving too fast right?

Anywho, that's how I came to believe as I have.  Not angry at god, just confused by the notion of him or her...made no sense to me is all.