My husband said that because of my back condition, I am causing him more work. He said I should get it "taken care of". For me that means surgery or steroid shots, and I'm not ready to play that game.
I had to dig deep to remember that I am worth loving for who I am today. That I am good enough. That I should not feel like a burden.
I stayed still. I calmed my thoughts. I meditated.
I imagined how awful he would feel, if he should happen to come home from work injured, where I had to care for him. How guilty he might feel for saying what he said to me. A loving wife would want to protect her husband from feeling that way. I wanted to jab him with that thought actually.
Nope. Still not ready. I slept on it.
When I woke, I remembered the time he forgave me for a comment I made, when I was being selfish, cranky and rude. It was such a relief to know someone loved me enough to let me off the hook. So I did just that for him. He told me that he loves me too, and that I'm not a burden. I have made the choice to believe him, and remember that we are all sick, and trying to get better. That this isn't going to be easy, but we can do it with love.
AA gives me a new perspective. It gives me the tools I need to not over react. Today, I make a few less small mistakes, but they prove to have a huge impact on our family.
Today I made my first real girlfriend in AA. It grew from a small gesture the other day, and tonight, she came to choir practice with me. We laughed together at our mistakes, and even cried together while the song moved us in the same measure.
On the way home, I saw a rainbow in the sunset. I've never seen a rainbow in the evening before. I called my Mother to tell her to look at the sky. I felt close to her even though she is far away. I told her I loved her. Slowly, I'm getting my Mom back. 20 yrs is long enough to hold a grudge. I have missed my Mom, but now I miss her in a different way.
Someone in my home group today said "100 pennies make a dollar". I get it now.
-- Edited by justadrunk on Thursday 14th of June 2012 10:01:58 PM
__________________
Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I don't get the 100 pennies comment, but sometimes the most obvious things could poke me in the eye and I wouldn't see them. :) congrats on your friend loving yourself and giving that love away
__________________
sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
Your post has reminded me of what I have been trying hard to do these past few weeks. Not to react on everything my husband says to me, sometimes its better like you say to keep quiet and say nothing. :} Most of the time we are fine but we get the moments when we or one of us is tired and whooosh we are off !
Summer heat has hit us hard over here very quick and that too at times is something that I need to remember. It works both ways him and myself. We are both a working progress.
Has your husband ever read our 12 steps ? What a tall order they are :}
All I understand is that if I continue to work on myself to the best of my ability things seem to work our all around me. Your posting reads to me that you too are doing the same. :}
Everything in life today is worth all the hard work its far better than giving up like I used to think !
