I'm looking for a little guidance.
Kinda new to AA. Been going to meetings and here is a little about me and where I'm at. Sorry if this is TMI
I'm Eric 32 and I'm most certainly an alcoholic. I would definitely classify myself as the introverted drunkard. Successful outwardly kinda but but definitely out of control with alcohol and suffering to my breaking point.
Been to some meeting got the literature and read the BB up to but not including "working with others." Overall the program resonates very well with me. The stories rang truth in some ways. The meeting are great as well but overall I'm a bit lost on the program. Mostly I have been going to speaker meetings with a few step meetings and bb meetings mixed in. I find the people who share both as speaker and not to be amazing. That hour is such a relief.
Here is where the problem starts. I was going to meetings but apparently it was not enough. Dinner out and a glass of wine looked way to good. Then the debauchery begins all over again. The worst part is someone in a meeting said something about "a mind full of AA will ruin a belly full beer." They were right and that was kind of annoying! Anyway after a few days I was back to the meetings again. Pride was a bit hurt but it did feel good to feel clear again and the week has been going ok.
Sorry this is getting long so I will try to shorten the rest. I guess my major problem is I know what I'm supposed to do but it's hard. For some it must just be a no-brainer but the simple steps of getting involved are very difficult for me.
Here is what everyone keeps sharing in meetings about newcomers
1 do 90 in 90
2 get a sponsor
3 get a home group
4 do service work
I moved to south Florida 5 months ago. There is a huge rehab community down here and when I started to go to meetings a few weeks ago I was shocked how many member were/are in rehab. I have no opinion about it but I do find it hard to relate to their experiences adjusting and getting sponsors. It's incredibly hard for me to find a sponsor. Well I should say its incredibly hard to ask someone to be my sponsor. What should I look for. Honestly it feels like I'm picking colleges again. I even thought about asking one guy but I was way to insecure to start the conversation.
I'm not the best at putting myself out there and asking for help. I like the meetings and everything else but I get in and I get out quick. Standing around with everyone trying to start conversation is a bit of overload for me. The few times I have spoken with people it goes something like this
Aa: So you new around here?
Me: Yep kinda new to town
Aa: you in rehab or a halfway House?
Me: no I'm in boynton beach
Aa: roommates family?
Me: nope I live alone
Aa: you drive here
Me: yeah
Aa: so you still have you license?
Me: yeah
I'm not kidding it's been the same conversation 3 times now. With a mix of we're did you come from.....
I guess I have no idea what I'm asking but if if you have some advice I would appreciate it. It's nice to actually write this out.
Other things that scare/ bother me are
It all sounds so depressing. I know I'm not going to meetings because my life is great but people with "Time" don't exactly make life sound grand. I'm not a judgmental person and I get that AA is a place where people can share the truths it their lives good and bad. It's actually impressive and powerful! I can see how the program could benefit people not in AA. However, it's a bit discouraging. I'm not looking for a sober life of complacency and suffering. I just wish it was a clear and consist roadmap of here is what you do and here is what it can yield you. Someone today said that " all this program promises you is another day sober." ok what the F. I drink because it numbs out everything so I can relax. 80% of the time it does that and I'm ok with it. The other 20 it gets dark and I see no way of stopping that from happening. I guess I'm just not sure of a life were the sobriety means that I have no compensation for the need to relax and mellow out.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm sorry I was so long winded and disorganized. Honestly I have a million questions. Probably why they tell you to get a sponsor.
That was a great opening post and an absolutely excellent heading, something I talk about in my meetings here. It took me a few weeks to work out what it was 'they had" before I could decide whether I wanted it or not. I did and I was willing to go to any lengths to get it, which means that with help I did what was suggested in those pages of the Big Book you have read.
The clear cut instructions for taking the steps are contained in chapters 5 and 6 and that is the only place in any AA literature that the instructions appear. A bit disappointing that in all the advice you have been getting, the steps have been left out. The steps are the AA program, the meetings are the fellowship and the two things are not the same.
In terms of getting into action, finding a sponsor who will take you through the steps ought to be your first priority. this isn't always easy as you have found, but if you circulate in the meetings you are going to see one or two people who you relate to and who seem to have adopted the AA way of life. Watch for a while and see if how they act fits with how they speak. If they still look ok, don't be afraid to ask them if they have taken all 12 steps, if no, resume your search, if yes, you may have found your teacher.
90 in 90 won't do you any harm, I did something along those lines, but as a real alcoholic, I found I had to do a lot more than just meetings, which is why I suggest you use your meeting attendance to find a sponsor and begin work on the steps as soon as possible. As others will tell you we take the steps to get well, not the other way around.
When you say people with time don't make life sound grand, and then hear someone say that all this programme promises is another day sober, well I'd be a bit down in the mouth about that too. My experience and that of many on this site is completely contrary. The Big Book is full of promises, all subject to us doing the required work (the steps) in order to bring about a spiritual awakening (complete psychic change) which in turn brings a happy and fulfilling life, full of joy and purpose. There's those steps again!
Someone who has time and seems unhappy is no doubt someone you can learn from, but they would be unlikely to make a good sponsor as there is a good chance they haven't taken all 12 steps, so they won't be able to give you what they don't have for themselves.
Well those are some of my thoughts, expressed in my usual verbose way. It's all about the steps Eric, that is where true recovery is found and with it a life beyond your wildest dreams. Kepp post and keep asking questions Eric, we are very glad you have joined us.
You have already received some great comments/replies to your post, so I'll try to keep mine short ... Like Dean stated, I was 'around AA' for a long time, not 'in AA' ... But the last time I came to AA, I decided I needed to get a sponsor ... a sponsor who : ... ... ... shared things in a meeting I could understand, a sponsor who, I could relate to ... a guy that seemed genuinely happy to be sober ... someone who looked like they loved life ... someone who wears their sobriety comfortably ...
For me? ... I struck up a conversation after a meeting with someone that looked to have potential ... I simply asked what they thought of the sponsorship thing ... then I asked, like 'Fyne Spirit' said, if they had completed the 12 steps ... then if they have any current sponsees ... and if I'm comfortable, ask if they would like to sponsor another? ...
Don't forget, we don't call it 'temporary' sponsors for nothin' ... if you, for some reason need to change sponsors, then you're completely free to do so ... (no contracts... heehee)
Glad you're here and God Bless, Pappy
-- Edited by Pythonpappy on Thursday 7th of June 2012 11:47:05 AM
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Hey Eric, your post sound a lot like my experience in early sobriety. I was still with a job, license, age 29... I had lots of indicators that I was an alcoholic, but, because I was still young and a construction worker on high rise buildings, I thought myself invincible. The thought of dying from alcoholism on applied to someone else. I had already been attending meetings, on and off, for two years, never getting more than 2 months sober at a time. I didn't "get it". A lot of the people in the program seemed "sicker than me". There were a lot of "Yets" that I hadn't experienced. I didn't know how to get a sponsor (probably didn't want one). So I wasn't engaged in the fellowship, hadn't made any friends to hang out with outside of AA, wasn't working the steps. I was, what they call "Around AA, not in AA". I can tell you that it won't work that way. Those two years were pretty miserable. I used AA like a baserunner in baseball uses first base, diving on it before the pitchout (impending doom). You've gotta real want this program, and you have to really believe that this disease will kill you, slowly, while it takes everything you have, love, ever wanted away from you, while it beats you down to nothing, till you don't want to live, by are to much of a coward to take your own life. I too wondered, where the Fun in all this AA business is. Well it's in the fellowship. If you listen closely to announcements and you talk to people before and after the meetings, you'll hear about, and get invited to various functions, like diners and other meals after meetings. Morning meetings on weekends usually head down the street to a breakfast place for some socializing. Our AA club was very active. We went bowling, played softball, went skiing, rode motorcycles, had beach retreats. Basically you need to fill in your typical drinking time with activities, that right now might seem boring to you. But in a short time, you'll find that you're beginning to have fun and make some friends that in a short time will feel like family to you. Right now you just need to make yourself do the suggestions. Raise you're hand in a step meeting, when the chair person is asking if there is any announcements, and say "I need a sponsor to help me get started in the steps". Get to meetings a little early and introduce your self to the chair person and the coffee maker ask them if they need help. A home group is one that feel kinda cozy to you. Ask to join the group and if there are any service positions available like setting up or making coffee. Stay after the meeting for 10 minutes and introduce yourself to 1 or 2 persons at every meeting, pretty soon people will be saying "hey" to you when you show up. Everyone starts at this point. We're all in this boat together.
Dean - that was great! I wish I would have read that a few months back. I probably did and just didn't get it at the time. I just kept going until some of the things you mentioned above started to happen. I can say, that at 6 months, I have no friends yet, no outside activities going on, and still bolt home before and after meetings (to get back to my kids). I do however feel a HUGE improvement just having a great sponsor (which was a whole lot of work in the finding), and a home group that I feel like I would do anything for, and they would do the same for me. They would notice if I was gone. Just those two things are so wonderful - and if I keep an open mind and heart to making friends - even though everyone seems to be different than me, I know those things will fall into place if I keep going back - no matter what!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Copperwood/Eric - I am not wrong, Mike F. just moved to Boynton From this site. He would be an AWESOME sponsor for you and he probably could use sponsees cuz he just moved here. If and until that happens, you are more than welcome to call me with questions. I will PM you my number and maybe we can get together and go to some meetings. I am in Ft. Lauderdale about 30 minutes from you.
Mark.
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
hi Eric, welcome to a different reality! we all get to start at the beginning. finding a meeting where you feel comfortable does happen, but it means checking out different meetings. i have been to speaker meetings, women only meetings, and step meetings, the longer i am sober the better they all are. getting in touch with Pinkchip and Mike could be a great thing, they both have solid sobriety time. i did the rehab thing and it helped me get started in AA. there are many ways to get to AA, but for it to work i had to get to the point where i would be willing to do whatever it took to get and stay sober. for me that happened, coincided with, my 2nd DUI. i never wanted to be in that situation ever again. my mind and my heart connected with that desire, step one, two, and three came alive and i accepted true peace at that moment in the back of the cop car. i had knowledge of the steps but until i was willing to let go of my miserable existence to reach out for the brand new life AA was showing me and be willing to be honest with myself and others... until that happened, i was not willing to give up drinking. that was over 3 years ago. my life is the best it has ever been. i have goals, dreams, and a life i feel is worth living. i don't have to worry about going to jail for DUIs or ask anyone what i did the night before. i haven't woke up with a hangover in over 3 years!!! now that is something to celebrate. wishing you the HOW (honesty, openmindedness, and willingness) to experience a new freedom, a new life. jj/sheila
It has freed me from all the clutter in my head. I don't worry about tomorrow because living a good, sober life today means that tomorrow will take care of itself. Yesterday only matters in as much as it is something to learn from once I made genuine apologies and amends for my mess. I do my best not to worry about what other people are thinking or doing. So there is just right now where I concern myself with what I am doing, and doing it honestly and well. Uncomplicated and quite magical in its simplicity and the piece of mind it can bring.
But more than that (as if that wasn't enough) it has given me real freedom. I can do anything I put my mind to as long as I don't drink and I stay within the guidelines of the steps (which is easier than not doing it, I've found). I have money and a licence. I have a job that I enjoy. I have self respect. I don't get angry. I don't hate. I get up in the morning happy and calm ready for whatever the day brings, and best of all I don't have that f@#$ing horrible, self hating civil war raging inside me that I always lost as my disease forced me to destroy piece by piece every good thing I had in my life.
And every month I look back and see that things are better than the month before. I wouldn't trade what I have right now for ANYTHING you can name - ANYTHING - and I'll even go as far as to say that I am grateful for being given the disease of alcoholism because without it I wouldn't have found this program and the serenity it has given me. I know that probably sounds as weird as it gets, but I hope one day you'll remember those words and nod because you understand what I meant.
