I'm kind of scared lately. Someone mentioned to me that at some point this may happen.
The song amazing grace keeps running through my head. The line in particular is - I once was blind, but now I see. It's like I've been granted sight after being blind for 10 years, and when I look in the mirror, my hair is blue, I have a huge growth on my head, and of course, everything else looks different now too... I just want to close my eyes again.
I see the depth of my selfishness, and how it has effected everything, and I just want to shut it out again. I see the relationships I've ruined, the really important ones, that have suffered so needlessly. What have I done?
I turn to my higher power, and breath in the air that is life, at this moment. How can I go on like this? I ask, as I lift my hands to the sky. Show me how to see! I feel a comfort in the asking, knowing He will take this despair upon His shoulders, so that I may exhale. I will remain willing to see what my sober life has to offer TODAY!
-- Edited by justadrunk on Sunday 3rd of June 2012 04:24:57 PM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
It's all about acceptance Tasha. You are a beautiful butterfly that's making it's way out of it's cocoon. Don't stare too long into the mirror just yet
Tasha, look closer in the mirror and I'm sure you'll see just what Dean said, a beautiful butterfly beginning to emerge from it's cocoon. It took me a long time (relatively speaking ) to get the whole "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it" part of the 9th step promises. I kept thinking, but there are things that I do regret about the past, and I always will. Then I heard someone who was taking a 30 year coin share this. .... There are things in my past I do regret, and wish had not happened or I had not done them. I do not, however, regret my past as a whole, as it is what has brought me to my present. And I wouldn't trade my present for anything. It was a real AhHa moment for me. Now that, I can wrap my mind around. Keep working and please, keep sharing. You inspire me greatly, and I can actually see and feel what you express through your words. You have a gift there, for sure. Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
I get you Tasha. Everytime I pick my kids up and my boy says that he misses me and my little girl tells me to "tell mummy you won't do silly things so you can come home again" my heart breaks all over again. Sometimes when I think of the wife that I drove away a wave of sadness washes over me so powerfully that my knees buckle.
But I can't change that. I can only do what I can now. And it's better for all that I am a sober ex-husband and weekend dad than a drunk and soon to be dead family man. Those errors were the price I had to pay to get here now, and I wouldn't change them even if I could.
It hurts, and it might hurt deep down forever, but I take comfort in the fact that this new me that is / has emerging / emerged wouldn't and couldn't do those things. And things are slowly mending. Forgiveness is being given and received when I thought that my name would always be Mudd. These things keep me strong and let me know that where I am is exactly where I need to be, and that it does get better.
Stay strong, Tasha. Every day you stay the course is a day where a bit of healing happens for all concerned.
Thanks everyone so much for being here for me : ) I am already starting to forget, as you become my friends, to thank you for that!!!! I don't ever want to forget how you carried me when I couldn't walk the path myself.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Many days we are tempted to ask Why? Why did this happen to me? Why was I singled out? Why am I not a different person? But the whys lead only to clever explanations and rationalizations of what we do or what we are. The question for us is not Why? but How?
We ask how to learn and work our program of recovery; the "how" can give us a deeper understanding of the program. We ask God How? and God provides the strength and guidance needed. "How" will lead to everything needed for recovery and personal growth. "Why" is irrelevant.
Am I learning how to live?
Higher Power, teach me how to live, love, and learn.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Why me? Coz God knew that he'd created a stubborn and arrogant man when he made me, so he figured that I'd need a decent kick up the arse to teach me some humility if I was ever going to find Him.
