Hi,Im Kendra and Im a Alcholic.....Today was my first day of my second time back in the rooms of A.A. I would start out by saying why I relapsed but we all know why anyone relapses WE JUST ARENT READY TO DOIT FOR OURSELVES AND PUT AS MUCH INTO IT AS WE PUT INTO GETTING DRUNK OR HIGH.......For me Im no differnt ......My Dream And GOAL IN LIFE IS TO LIVE MY LIFE ON LIFES SOBER TERMS...ITS TOO HARD AND I MEAN TOO DAMNED HARD TO BE A ACTIVE ADDICT/ALCOHOLIC...NOT TO MENTION IMBARRASSING.....I CAN SAY IN MY 42 YEARS I HAVE ONLY LOOKED IN THE MIRROW ONCE AND THE REFLECTION LOOKING BACK DIDNT TURN MY STOMACHE,THAT WAS TODAY..IM CODEPENDANT AND A CARE TAKER....BAD COMBO I KNOW,HOWEVER THOSE TWO THINGS ARE WHAT BRAUGHT ME BACK...I REALIZE THAT IVE BEEN TOO BUSY RUNNING FROM MYSELF,MY FEARS AND THE PAIN OF LOOSEING MY DAUGHTER,FATHER,FIANCEE,AND GRANDMA,NOT TO MENTION ALMOST LOOSEING MY OWN LIFE SEVERAL TIMES...BECAUSE OF MY WAY OF THINKING ON MY SELF DESTRUCTIVE PATH....I WAS ON MY WAY TO COMMITING SUICIDE,A LONG PAINFUL,TORMENTING SUICIDE,I WANTED TO SUFFER IN THE MOST HORRIBLE WAYS,AFTER BEING STABED IT REALLY MESSED MY HEAD UP,IWENT FROM GASHING MY ARMS AN NECK TO PUTTING A GUN IN MY BACK SIDE WHERE M LUNG IS SO I COULD CHOKE ON MY OWN BLOOD ,I WAS SO DAMNED DRUNK I PULLED THE TRIGGER I HAD FORGOT TO PUT THE DAMNED CLIP IN IT....THEN THREE DAYS LATER MY BOYFRIEND FOUND ME HANGING BY A TOW CHAIN FROM OUR CEILLING FAN WITH VERY LITTLE LIFE IN ME ,FOR SOME REASON HE WONT TALK TO ME ANYMORE,TURNS OUT HE ALMOST DIED GETTING ME DOWN THE CHAIN HAD CUT THE WIRE BARE AN ELECTRICUTED HIM HE HAS A BIG HOLE TO THIS DAY JUST ABOVE HIS HEART,NOT TO MENTION THE MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL EFFECT IT PUT ON HIM WE WERE BEST FRIENDS FOR 20 YEARS BEFORE WE GOT TOGETHER...WE CAUSE OTHERS MORE PAIN THAN OURSELVES ANT WE ONLY THINK OF OURSELVES WE BELIEVE NO ONE IS CAPPABLE OFCAREING FOR US WE DONT DESERVE IT,OR AT LEAST THATS WHAT I TOLD MYSELF....TODAY IM SOBER ,I WENT TO MY FIRST MEETING I FELT THE COMPASSION AND LOVE OF PEOPLE IN THESE ROOMS...I AM BLESSED BECAUSE MY HIGHER POWER HAS PLANS FOR ME HE FOUGHT FOR MY SOUL MORE THAN ONCE,I OWE HIM ,I OWE MYSELF A SOBER ME SO I CAN ALLOW MY CALLING TO FINNALLY BE MINE AND FOR MY LIFE TO BE MINE AND NOT BOUND UP IN THESE CHAINS THAT IV ALLOWED MYSELF TO BE BOUN BY..........IM SO GREATFUL FOR THE FELLOWSHIP OF AA MY NEW FOUND FAMILY....THANK YOU N GOD BLESS YOU...I DONT WANT ANY SYMPATHY,AND I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF IM FINALLY BREAKING YHESE CHAINS AN COMING OUT WIYH EVERYTHING,I WAS TOO EMBARESSED LAST GO AROUND TO TALK ABOUT MY PAST AS WELL AS AFRAID WHAT PEOPLE MAY THINK ABOUT ME IM HOLDING NOTHING BACK THIS TIME .....I AM NOT ASHAMED THAT MY PAST HAS BROUGHT ME TO THIS FELLOSHIP AA IS A BLESSING AND BEING HONEST IS MY NEW WAY OF SHARING ,,,WITH THIS I CAN BREATH,I CAN FEEL,I CAN SEE THIS IS MY LIFE AND MY NEW FOUND FAMILY I WOULD NOT HAVE IT......THANK YOU ......AND WITHOUT MY WONDERFUL SPONSOR I WOULD NOT HAVE SOOOO MUCH HOMEWORK.....XOX...LOL...THANK YOU MARTI
-- Edited by kendra on Saturday 26th of May 2012 07:19:18 AM
I PLAN ON FOLLOWING MY HEART N MY MIND,THAT ALWAYS LEADS TO GREAT THINGS IF YOU HAVE THEM BOTH IN THE RITE PLACE,WITH MY HIGHERPOWER GUIDING THEM BOTH I CANT GO WRONG......THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH FOR REACHING OUT,THE ONES WHO REACH OUT ARE THE ONES WHO STAND STRONG.....WITHOUT YALL, THERE WOULD BE NO ONE LIKE ME,THANK YOU.....HAVE A BLESSED NITE......
WOW, ... after reading your story, I find it a miracle that you now have sixty days sober ... great job ... Of course you do realize that when we were drinking we were simply committing a very slow and painful suicide!!! ... And hurting many innocent others at the same time ...
Here and in the pages of the BB and the 12X12, you'll find the solutions to all life's problems ... Imagine, to finally wake up each morning to a 'peaceful and serene' feeling ... to wake up with no worries, to know that all your needs will be met today ... to wake up loving life and looking forward to who God will bring into your life today that YOU may be able to help along the road to a happy destiny ... Imagine waking up and feeling that you are worth something today, that there is new wisdom to be discovered ... AND what is really great ... ? ... the list of things to look forward to goes on and on and on ...
God Bless your sobriety Today, Pappy
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
THANK YOU FOR EVERYONES POSITIVE INPUT,AND PLEASE DONT THINK FOR ONE SECOND I FEEL NO REMORSE,OR THINK I HAVENT HURT EVERYONE WHO I EVER CARED ABOUT OR PEOPLE WHO REALLY DID CAREABOUT ME ..THED LIST OF PEOPL I COULDNT BEGIN TO PUT TOGETHER NOR COULD I PUT IN WORDS HOW DEEPLY SORRY I AM ,AS MUCH PAIN AS IVE FELT I WOULDNT WISH ON ANYONE NOT EVEN THE DEVIL HIMSELF,I BEGAN APPOLIGIZING TO PEOPLE THE THING IS THEY TELL ME IM THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO LEARN HOW TO OPEN MY HEART AND FORGIVE MYSELF .......I DONT KNOW HOW....IVE BLAMED EVERYTHING FROM 8 YEARS OLD ON MYSELFTHINGS THAT HAPPEND TO ME ,MY FAMILY AS WELL AS MY FRIENDS I FIGURED IF I TOOK THE BLAME NO ONE ELSE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE MORE PAIN THAN THEY COULD BARE...NOW IM STUCK WITH EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT AND THATS WHAT LEAD ME TO HURTING MYSELF SO OTHERS DIDNT HAVE TO...BUT THEY HURT MORE THAN I AND HOW OR WHAT DO YOU DO TO BEGIN SUCH A DEEP SCAR WHERE DO I START DIGGING........THANK YOU SO MUCH
Hey Kendra.. I completely empathize with the pain you're feeling but really honestly all you can do is try you're hardest to look forward and move forward. Beating yourself up over things past is an easy trap to fall into, and I've done it to myself too many times to count. In my own experience it serves no purpose other than making me feel like a piece of crap. For myself, I'm a better person when I realize it's time to let it all go and look at today or even just this moment and move from there. The past will eat at your soul if you let it. Try to not let it. It can be very difficult to trust in the positivity of keeping things simple or having HOPE for the future. I know that for me, the last time I drank and really looked at myself and said "no more", I felt a fight in me FOR me. That gave me hope. You're are Sooo worth fighting for, and I'm sure you have that fight in you. By "fight" I mean like "f this.. I'm better than drinking my life away". We all are..that's why we are here. So welcome again..I hope that made sense to you.
THANK YOU.I CANT BEGIN TO EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE FOR ALL OF YALL IVE BEEN ISOLATING MYSELF TO STAY CLEAN AND SOBER N NOW IM WONDERING WHY I WOULD HIDE FROM SUCH WONDERFUL PEOPLE...ASHAMED AND AFRAID I SUPPOSE......THANK YALL AND SHES BEUTIFUL..MY DAUGHTER PASSED A FEW YEARS AGO SHES IN A MUCH BETTER PLACE REALLY WHAT KIND OF MOTHER WOULD I HAD BEEN???
I TRIED HOLDING THINGS IN FOR TOO LONG IM RELIEVED FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE IM ABLE TO TELL ALL THESE SECRETS I BOTTLED UP FOR OVER 34 YEARS I HAVE TO COME OUT WITH EVERTHING AND IT FEELS SO RITE LIKE TEN MILLION POUNDS RELEASED FROM MY SHOULDERS....IT FEELS GOOD TO FREE MYSELF,NO MORE CHAINS.......GOD BLESS YOU
Kendra, ... Don't let guilt and remorse hold you back from forgiving yourself ... I did allow that to happen to me, and it delayed my recovery for a long time ...
My home group put it this way ... I had presented the topic one day at a meeting where I asked how it was possible to forgive myself for some of the things I had done that were so bad AND all the people I had hurt in the process (well, in my mind anyway) ... The response was: they asked if I believed in a 'higher power' ... I said yes that I consider God my 'higher power' ... They asked if I was more powerful than God or if I thought I was better than God? ... I said of course not ... Then they asked if I believed if God would forgive me if I asked Him to, ... I said of course, that's what it says He'll do in the Bible ... Then they asked if I believed that God could and would forgive me, then why did I have a problem forgiving myself??? ... to which I had no logical answer ...
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'Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.'
Aloha Kendra and welcome back and to the board. You've covered some rough ground to get to where you are right now and you've had a face to face with your God...So your HP needs you sober and you want to be...right on!! Time to sit down and listen and learn. For me that gets strict focus when I read or hear it read, "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has throughly followed our program". At that time I'm listening for all I am worth and after it's done I'm doing it with the help of others who have come before me and a sponsor I'm turning my self over to along with my Higher Power. Living this life is 12 steps beyond how I use to and for that I am grateful and willing. Keep coming back. In support ((((hugs))))
Hi Kendra, Welcome back and thanyou for sharing with us. I related to your posts. When came in I was overwhelmed with fear, shame, guilt and remorse. I had this great knack of always doing the wrong thing and I drove everyone away. For the first month or two I thought I was the worst person ever to come to AA. But as I started praying, and found a good sponsor who started taking me through the steps, I lost that awful lonliness and fear, and my life began to change for the better. Like you I was willing to go to any lengths, I did what they did. If you do what we did, you'll get what we got.
WOW,INSTEAD OF GETTING DRUNK OR HIGH IM GETTING READY FOR MY SPONSOR TO CATCH A MORNING MEETING.....IT FEELS GREAT TO WAKE UP N KNOW I HAVE IMPORTANT PEOPLE TO SEE AND IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO ,MY IMPORTANT PEOPLE ARE YALL,MY IMPORTANT THINGS ARE MEETINGS N FOOTWORK TO STAY SOBER........LOLOLOLOLOL........IT FEELS GREAT TO FACE THIS MIROR N BEABLE TO SEE WHATS TRULY INSIDE........HAVE A BLESSED DAY.........ONE DAY AT A TIME FOR A LIFE TIME........
