When listening to others share at Al-Anon meetings, I became aware that I hold myself to unrealistically high standards. I expect myself to be less fallible than everyone else. I acquired this character defect as a child in my attempts to control my alcoholic father by pleasing or appeasing him. It might have served a purpose then, no matter how illusionary it was, but it doesn't work for me now. Such perfectionism perpetuates dissatisfaction and low self-esteem. What makes me think I'm different from everyone else? It's one thing to strive to do my best, but it's quite another to punish myself if results fall short of my high expectations. I am human, after all. It is in our very nature to have faults and limitations. In my misguided quest for excellence, I often act as if my personal slogan were "If it's worth doing, it's worth making a major project out of it." As a result I usually don't have enough time to finish many projects. Rather, they languish in various stages of flawless incompletion.
#####ROSIE....with all the insults/ brain washing to the negative i had growing up i at some time developed a core belief that i was a born failure......at first i worked so hard to be perfect so as not to be attacked...proving my tormenter right , to me, was the ULTIMATE failure!!!!! i was determined to NOT prove him right!!!! however the more i tried, the more stress i put on me and the more i would mess up.........it went on and on and AS i tried harder to never mess up, the more pressure i put on me the more screw ups, and than the unthinkable!!!!!
###### i began to self abuse!!!! i insulted me verbally and than i began beating me....i remember balling up my fists and hitting my head...pulling my own hair....the desire to hurt me was sometimes overwhelming.....one time i got carried away and hit myself on the head with a brass knick knack and i had a lump on the side of my head the size of an egg....this would go on and on until i got into recovery...i was careful not to make bruises, cuz when i did, i would have to lie about the "boo boo" i had on my head, arm etc...so i just punched me in the head/ or pulled my hair as i cussed myself...i would have headaches from my self abusing......it escalated my sense of self hate/ dissatisfaction and ZERO self esteem.....i wanted , really, to destroy me.....the incest and CONSTANT putdowns/ brain washing caused me to want to kill myself...i tried a few times and , of course, failed....my HP was not going to let the darkness win......now, in recovery, i look back at this with so much sadness, but understanding..
#######.i got a book on the "damage/injuries of child sex abuse" and one of the BIG "warning signs" was "self abuse and/or suicide", verbal AND physical, depending on the amount of pain and rage the victim felt..also the desire to "get rid of the pain ANY way i can..even if it means to die".......i must have been more full of pain and rage than i can even imagine.........i mean i have told myself and my inner child how terribly sorry i was/ am for this abuse...i VOWED to make amends....but HOW????? ....
#######the last time i got the urge to "hurt myself" i was in recovery and it was NOT that long ago....in desperation, i called my sponser and she lovingly told me to make "i love me" audios for me to listen DAILY.....the urge to hurt me was horrendous...WORSE than to abuse alcohol ever was!!! i really wanted to hurt me and it not only shocked me, but broke my heart.....WHY??? i was in recovery!!! progressing i thought......but than my sponser reminded me that the "deeper the pain...the deeper the recovery" and that it was a MIRACLE that i was even HERE...in one piece AND with my brains intact!!!! so she suggested the audios, knowing how "willing and teachable" i am, and how desperately i want to heal........
######## as a result of my DAILY telling myself that i "love me and i am worthy" .the desire to self abuse is going away...giving way to wanting to love me and be NICE to me...be GOOD to me.....NOT harm me......still the fear of "not being the best" i must give over to my Higher Power, its still there, somewhat.....but i can take loss and imperfection better and better now.......i can be IMperfect now and OK.......i can be HUMAN and be ok.........as long as i did my best...i can be satisfied with me........not all my endeavors have to be a sucess for me to feel good about being me.......thank god , that crap is over with, having to be perfect.........i remember in the past, when i got out of the grip of my abuser, i remember i didn't even TRY anymore, cuz of my low self esteem.......i just QUIT trying!!!!!! now i will....after prayer and self inventory, i will try stuff now IF i feel it is in my best interest to do so......i don't fear messing something up anymore....i know there isn't a monster to abuse me anymore if i mess up.......the fear of making errors is gone......." ding dong the witch is FINALLY dead"...........
I need to remind myself continually to practice "Keep it Simple," and I'm getting better at it. Recently for the first time in my life, I heard myself say, "That's good enough." The Seventh Step says, "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." To do so requires me to acknowledge my humanity, Including my perfectionism. To be humble is to accept my place in the universe. It's unrealistic to expect perfection from an imperfect being in an imperfect world. The only perfection I can hope to attain is to be perfectly imperfect. Thought for the Day A mistake a day keeps my perfectionism at bay. Today I will endeavor to enjoy my humanness. "My sponsor's gentle reminder of 'Progress, not perfection' encourages me to give myself credit." *How Al-Anon Works for Families & Friends of Alcoholics*, p. 323
########ROSIE......yes, "keep it SIMPLE" is one of my favorite slogans....add to that "EASY does it" and i also ask my HP to "calm me down.....help me to slow down" i rush through things sometimes, so NOW i have set boundaries with me....when i do that and i begin to type badly (reversing) letters etc, or just not thinking where my hands are.....i STOP......put my hands UP to the sky.....and i tell my inner child......"you are going to SLOW down..stay IN your body!! ....i am taking your hands OFF this until you can SLOW down"........than i pray to my HP to " calm and slow me down".......it is a fight, but now i use the boundaries on me......TRAINING......PRACTICE to SLOW down......CALM down......BREATHE.......FEEL........THINK.........and it does help to stop the "scrambling" thoughts.....AND if that doesn't work???? i take my hands off.....CLAP loudly and tell myself to do the breathing/ stopping thing......it is improving....... and YES, i can pat myself on the leg or arm and say "good girl.....good job".....i was practicing tennis and i was hitting really well for someone who hasn't hardly touched her racquet lately and i patted myself several times on the leg and said "you have a beautiful game.....good girl"....i try the positive self reinforcement and it works......asking my HP to remove the need to control OR to rush OR to do stuff w/out putting my brain in gear first............accepting that i have defects due to my injuries AND my own natural being human and asking HP to help me with them.......i don't try to be perfect, but i do want to do good...as best as i can....and if that is my best???? ok!!!!......i am "perfectly IMperfect".........i like this "a mistake a day keeps perfectionalism at bay"...........TODAY i ask my HP "help me to enjoy me and my being a beloved child of the universe AND my IMperfection....help me to SLOW down, CALM down and enjoy the ride"........thank you, DONE
oh yeah, doll, HE was the one who taught me to drink so i would be more "compliant" , at age 13-14, i learned "what a good way to escape/numb" with the alcohol......AS i surrender to my HP...AS i do my steps....and go to meets, etc, i desire the "medicine" less and less...oh yeah, i think of it , but i can REdirect that "need to escape" to working THROUGH the trigger, do the step / sponser work on it, and i am ok again..........ONE day at a a time..............
