I bee bopped around town with my Dad and kids today.  Went to some yard sales and ate at Famous Daves.  My Dad and I can talk about the fact that I'm in AA, even though he has been anti AA, and slammed it my whole life.  He still ordered a PBR with lunch, and spoke of beer sales going at the local store. 

He admitted to me, when it came out that I am an alcoholic a couple months ago, that he is too.  Just to me.  People... well, my Mom to be more precise, had tried to get him to admit that for 15 yrs before she finally gave up and divorced him.

A part of me has hoped that the promises come true, and the changes people talk about in themselves would come true for me, just so he would see it in me, and want it too.  Maybe it's still that 11 yr old girl, hoping her parents will get back together, and that AA can fix a 22 yr old pain in my heart.

Mostly, I just want my Dad to have access to the person he was meant to be too.  It's hard to look at him through these new eyes.  I feel sad for him... but it's never too late.

Some of that old me, that pre-drinking me, I've noticed coming back lately.  First just a note or two, now whole songs of the old joyous REAL me.  Today at lunch was one of those more profound moments of my real self/old self coming back, and it was sitting at the restaurant with my Dad.

Something about the sing-song, flamboyant story I was telling from the deep chords in my soul, just came out like a butterfly hatching from a cocoon.  It felt... dare I say.... marvelous!???  Can I be marvelous in such a simple moment?  Oh yes.  These extravagant promises I've heard about in AA do come true... and it's the ordinary moments that turn extraordinary, where I notice it the most.

Suddenly, as my Dad finished his PBR in one big pull, I wondered if feeling like my old self was going to be okay.  The old me, went on to become the me that started drinking.  The path of destruction was down the road from the moments I was feeling just like I did today at lunch. 

On the drive home, I pulled out in front of an oncoming car a little too close.  In that moment, I was shown how the road I'm on is different now. 

My old reaction would have been something like "HOLY SHIT!"

My new reaction was "thank you God". 

We're gonna be okay.