All this time that term has just slipped by me without me giving it much consideration. I just dismissed it as meaning "sincerely not wanting to drink anymore" but I'm beginning to realize that it's quite a lot more than that. Even after my heartfelt resolutions last night that I was 100% committed and that I would never again allow myself to go down the path of alcohol induced misery, and I was doing it for my daughter, etc. there was a period today when if someone (anyone) would have suggested drinks I would have said yes. Circumstance kept it from happening...this time... but what about next time? And the time after that? And so on? This compulsion, this inability to say no even when deep down in my soul I don't want to drink, this is the change I think they're talking about. It's not a conscious change of attitude but a healing of the broken part of my subconscious mind that can't say no to alcohol regardless of the consequences.
This realization scares me. It makes me feel out of control. Like I've been crazy all this time and didn't know it. I'm not much different than the guy I saw having an animated argument with a mailbox today on my way to work. He doesn't know he's batshit crazy either :(
Glad you didn't pick-up and I hope you went to your daily meeting!
Congradulations on taking the 1st step and admitting you are powerless over alcohol. You described the insanity part of the disease pretty well in your what you where thinking today.
Keep going to meetings and get into the steps!
take care,
Rob
From Dr's Opinion in the B-book There are, of course, the psychopaths who are emotionally unstable. We are all familiar with this type. They are always "going on the wagon for keeps." They are over-remorseful and make many resolutions, but never a decision.
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
TM, part of that "psychic change" is the stepping outside yourself and looking back, like you've been doing recently. That's your authentic self, coming out and looking at how you're brain has been running on auto pilot, based on an outdated set of "rules" (or dysfunctional coping skills) that were laid down, or adopted, probably sometime in your teens/early twenties. It's an awakening and a marvelous realization that we don't need to do these things anymore and that we don't have to fear this change and new beginnings. Stay on the path.
Circumstance kept it from happening...this time... but what about next time? And the time after that? And so on? This compulsion, this inability to say no even when deep down in my soul I don't want to drink, this is the change I think they're talking about.
Hi TM,
glad to see you've made a start. When I came in to AA I think step one was done, and step two. I was willing to believe a power greater than me would restore me to sanity. AA was the power to start. I felt just like you, I really wanted to stop but could not see myself lasting more than a few days.
Staying stopped was my problem. They told me stop for one day, one hour, one minute if need be. Just delay the drink till tomorrow. Not a bad startegy, but it turns out there was something else working for me.
As I threw myself into AA to the best of my limited ability, I found circumtances seemed to be engineered to keep me from drinking. Like the hot day I got thirsty, only to find was sitting in an AA member's car. Or how the attraction of some places I used to call home, just faded away and I saw them for what they really were (dives).
Already the psychic change had begun, and all I was doing was giving AA an honest try. Somehow I was protected long enough to tackle the steps and recover. In that process I came to see that the God of my understanding had been protecting me all along.
All this time that term has just slipped by me without me giving it much consideration. I just dismissed it as meaning "sincerely not wanting to drink anymore" but I'm beginning to realize that it's quite a lot more than that. Even after my heartfelt resolutions last night that I was 100% committed and that I would never again allow myself to go down the path of alcohol induced misery, and I was doing it for my daughter, etc. there was a period today when if someone (anyone) would have suggested drinks I would have said yes. Circumstance kept it from happening...this time... but what about next time? And the time after that? And so on? This compulsion, this inability to say no even when deep down in my soul I don't want to drink, this is the change I think they're talking about. It's not a conscious change of attitude but a healing of the broken part of my subconscious mind that can't say no to alcohol regardless of the consequences. This realization scares me. It makes me feel out of control. Like I've been crazy all this time and didn't know it. I'm not much different than the guy I saw having an animated argument with a mailbox today on my way to work. He doesn't know he's batshit crazy either :(
Into ACTION spring to mind :}
Selfishness--self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt.
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. Above everything, we alcoholics must be rid of this selfishness. We must, or it kill us! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power. We had to have God's help.
I was told to read page 62-68 of the Big Book every day, Just out of interest have you tried this ? I am powerless over taking the first drink I therefore had to find a power greater then me. I needed Gods help.and he sure gave it :} Just read these 6 pages. And if you feel like looking further into the Big Book read chapter 4 We Agnostics. a few times over too. Maybe,just maybe thats all you will need to read for a few months, no harm in trying :}
Just turn up at as many AA meetings as you can get to and learn to listen and listern to hear..I am sure it will all come together if you put the work int it.
Hey Tips - it's already happening from you, just stay willing. Keep writing. When you have the urge to drink, make yourself think about something else. Pray for the urge to be removed. I do this, not having a clue what or to whom I'm praying to. It feels ridiculous, and I've never prayed before (except maybe as a child to get God to give me a pony or something). I'm doing it now, cuz that's what sober people do. And it's working. I don't know how, but that part doesn't matter right now. I take that sick thought, look at it as a sick thought of a crazy person, like you described here with the man talking to the mailbox, and tell myself I don't want to be crazy anymore. God, please make the crazy stop... please remove it. That's my prayer. And I usually say it out... hearing it helps me.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Hey Tips - it's already happening from you, just stay willing. Keep writing. When you have the urge to drink, make yourself think about something else. Pray for the urge to be removed. I do this, not having a clue what or to whom I'm praying to. It feels ridiculous, and I've never prayed before (except maybe as a child to get God to give me a pony or something). I'm doing it now, cuz that's what sober people do. And it's working. I don't know how, but that part doesn't matter right now. I take that sick thought, look at it as a sick thought of a crazy person, like you described here with the man talking to the mailbox, and tell myself I don't want to be crazy anymore. God, please make the crazy stop... please remove it. That's my prayer. And I usually say it out... hearing it helps me.
Have faith,hand all over,and understand the no one is ever alone within AA.
Yo Tipsy, I am glad you are looking at this the way you are. You remember I am the guy that keeps saying at some point.....there needs to be a leap of faith. Its so simple, yet so hard. I have a suggestion; Make your daughter your Higher Power. She is part of you, so really you are making your connection with "immortality" your Higher Power. Give the problem to her, or really, what she represents. I see her as representing the innocence and goodness you hope she finds on Earth. She has that now and its what you lost somewhere along the way. I am sure you believe in that, why not just go with it? Just a suggestion--its a start! Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
Hey Tips - it's already happening from you, just stay willing. Keep writing. When you have the urge to drink, make yourself think about something else. Pray for the urge to be removed. I do this, not having a clue what or to whom I'm praying to. It feels ridiculous, and I've never prayed before (except maybe as a child to get God to give me a pony or something). I'm doing it now, cuz that's what sober people do. And it's working. I don't know how, but that part doesn't matter right now. I take that sick thought, look at it as a sick thought of a crazy person, like you described here with the man talking to the mailbox, and tell myself I don't want to be crazy anymore. God, please make the crazy stop... please remove it. That's my prayer. And I usually say it out... hearing it helps me.
THAT is what I am talking about! A leap of faith that seems to work. Where will the journey end? Have faith! One day at a time! Beautiful and inspiring.
Tom
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"You're in the right place. That's the door right there. Turn around."
That's the nature of our diesase. I made a decision to not drink. But I drink again. Over and over..... That's the insanity. I know what's going to happen, but do it anyway. In retrospect, that's the powerlessness that we talk about in The Program. I tried self will, therapy, Rx's, self help books and all sorts of things to stop drink. I could put the drink down, but not keep myself from picking it up again.
I learned that I have a diesase that's centered in my mind. It effects the way I think, feel and act. Alcohol is but a symptom. The solution in my case. Until it stopped working. Without a power greater than myself, spiritual help, I was doomed. The physic change came for me after completed The Steps and allowing a Higher Power into me and my life. The desire to drink was lifting and life got and has been so good, I have no desire to drink.
The Program is a design for living. Improving our selfs, led by a power greater than ourselfs and our ability to handle life improves. Essentially, we are reborn. We have a new happiness and outlook on life etc.........
I know what you mean. about the urge of drinking leaving you with out thinking about it, It finally happen to me. Well too start with I use to smoke crack, I've been off of that for 8 months. So I started drinking twice as heavy thinking I was not doing nothing wrong, because it was legalle.
Then I ran out of beer and money one day .Drunk I went into a store and stole a case of beer. I got locked up for shoplifting about a month later for stealing the beer. It turn out to be Friday the 13th. I went to Jail for 3 weeks while in there I really had a wake up call ,that even beer would make me steal. I really prayed to God about it, and I've been out of jail for a week. So far I don't have a desire to drink. I hope that God will keep the desire away like it is now.
Over and over..... 
That's the insanity. I know what's going to happen, but do it anyway. In retrospect, that's the powerlessness that we talk about in The Program. I tried self will, therapy, Rx's, self help books and all sorts of things to stop drink. I could put the drink down, but not keep myself from picking it up again. 