They look at you with their hands on their cheeks, jaw dropped just a bit... as you go through the check out line with 2 little kids, 4 bottles of wine, and a box of macaroni and cheese.
But my wine and cheese are organic... that proves I care about us right?
I'll wait in the parking lot for her to come out, so she can see me loading them up into my brand new car. Then she'll not think so much less of me! I'll drop my wallet, and she'll see that it's full... hmmm.... or I could scratch my nose just right so she'll see I'm happily married with this rock on my finger...
I'm glad those days are behind me, that those thoughts are gone for today.
I've spent so much time trying to convince people who probably had no clue, who did not care, and who would never see me again, that I was not an alcoholic, that I completely lost myself in "stuff", that was not important to my soul, or to raising happy children. Those little old ladies probably could not even see me...
I see people with twice as many kids, buying twice as much booze as I did, loading their kids into a vehicle with at least twice the miles. What do I think of them... so in fact... of myself. Because we are actually the same... it's just our enablers who are probably different.
I do not wish to shut the door on the past. I DO wish to never look down on myself or anyone else, unless I am helping them up. I hope I would still open the door for her as she leaves. I hope I can find a way to keep the door to happiness open for myself as well. I still regret the past so deeply, it's just not far enough away yet. I don't know how many tomorrow's it will take to prove to myself that I deserve this wonderful chance I've been given.
I can't walk today, if I'm doing the splits with one foot stretched far into the past, and one far into the future.
(hmmm, I wonder if I can walk on my hands... wink wink)
Oh yes, I'm still an alcoholic!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I used to have the same feeling buying beer and wine from the same grocery stores but always figured "hey, if I get food no one will notice" or going to the same liquor store daily knowing what days certain people will be off and change locations so I wouldn't have a chance to see the same people in the same week who would remember what I bought two days prior and how much I proceed to purchase. In reality,as you said, they probably didn't care or assume and just went about their days as I worried myself about their thoughts with no concern for the damage I was doing to myself.
I've also found myself judging people who probably aren't alcoholics and I assume they are just because of what they're buying compared to my life.
I'm glad to see I'm not the only person who has these thoughts. Thanks for sharing.
Good stuff. Intriguingly, I loved everyone knowing how much I drank. I was so insane that I thought it was really cool that when I came into the bar they already started pouring my Stella. I thought that I'd really...made it. lol
Thanks for that Tasha it so reminded me of the days I would go for my bottle,day after day to the same place,they even called me by my name Mrs..... I asked how the knew my name ? They said its here, here on your card. ! The drinks were behind him so he was always half way round ready to pick the bottle up,but never quite knew witch size one I would buy each day. Till the end days when it was always, always the large bottle. He knew..
And I also know he could see the changes in me when I stopped and looked nice and only went in to get my food shop.yes I could tell he was pleased to see me looking and doing so well. :}
Yep I will always be an Alcoholic but today I am no longer an Active one. Thats such a great feeling. :}
Yesterdays secrets all go with all the new long sober days ahead of us if we work for them.
*Raises hand* I was a "rotating liquor stores" person too. I love not seeing those charges on my debit/credit cards, and not worrying about what the cashiers might think!
Thank you for posting and for helping me stay sober today!
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The Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you treat others.
*Raises hand* I was a "rotating liquor stores" person too. I love not seeing those charges on my debit/credit cards, and not worrying about what the cashiers might think!
Thank you for posting and for helping me stay sober today!
Hahaha I learned which stores showed up as "liquor store" and would only use cash there.
