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Post Info TOPIC: How can I stop taking things so personally?


MIP Old Timer

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How can I stop taking things so personally?
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Again I chose my words a bit poorly. I have read several of your posts detailing your struggle finding a sponsor/ and it's a foreign concept to me as  the two places, that i've lived during sobriety, were near or in large metropolitan areas, with plenty of AA resources. I'm sorry that you've had a hard time with it. Of course our sponsor/sponcee relationships are mutually beneficial, so in theory, there should be no "burden" at either end. Honestly, I don't know how some people can sponsor multiple people. My experience with my first great sponsor was one of awe and respect. I would talk to him, briefly, about my "problems" and he would say something really profound, that would keep me wondering for a day/week and knock me out of/off my pity party.

(the preceding comment was actually experienced by the author and was not reproduced to in anyway reflect/describe anyone else's situation /disclaimer.)



-- Edited by StPeteDean on Saturday 28th of April 2012 06:01:13 PM

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The truth of the matter is that distorted perception is the "heart" of the "dis-ease", we don't have a drinking problem, we have a living problem, otherwise when we quit drinking our problems would magically go away, we suffer from a dis-ease of perception, thus we search for a spiritual solution in the bottle (the ability to live in the present) until our solution (drinking) turns on us and then we think drinking is our problem

 

Watch this, stay with it, watch it a few times

The steps teach us, they remap our brain so we don't seek fullfilment and contentment from outside us, in a bottle, in a relationship, in sex, in drugs, to a resting contentment in "what is", to a wonder and happiness in the present, to a resting in the mystery that is now without attaching our stories to it, some of our more religious members call it "God consciousness", I would say that is the most accurate description, and I don't believe in a deity, I rest in the same place of love and care that they found, we just call it something different.

If you heal your wounds, that crap has no place to hit, now the truth is, that is a never ending journey, I was sitting with a therapist the other day and she was "mirroring" the things I had said, and she asked, "why do you feel you are unworthy of Love Andrew?" so there I was, crying, realizing I still had these unhealed wounds, and I been putting people in my life that reaffirmed my feelings of being unloveable the last few years, now that is changed, but I had set those wounds aside, worked the steps around them, but had left them sitting there, I didn't know what to do with those feelings, until she stirred them up.

 I had been sitting in the therapists seat for so long I forgot to ask myself the hard questions, and somehow the last few years I had stopped allowing others to ask me the hard questions, because I was always in the therapists seat, I was always the one fixing others, supporting others, and that's a disease all of it's own, just another way to hide from ourselves, with as easily spottable symptoms as alcoholism or drug abuse, it's called codependency.

this is a program of uncover, discover, and discard, and it's never ending, the road gets narrower and wider at the same time, the freedom is indescribable, but watch that video a few (dozen) times, and it will help you on your journey



-- Edited by LinBabaAgo-go on Saturday 28th of April 2012 07:02:39 PM

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MIP Old Timer

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Hey Tasha,

Sorry to hear about your troubles. Yesterday...was just one of those days Tasha; a day where everything seems to get lost in translation, somehow. I've been there myself dear, same as you and I know how unpredictable life may seem at times, but those burdens you described dear, well, there meant to be shared not held onto and a good support network has an ear for that. So talk, Tasha, if you may and we, well, won't shy away from listening; we promise.

Now as far as those burdens go dear, well, let's just say I know how you feel Tasha, I really do. At times those burdens can feel heavy, like a ton of bricks weighing us down, while at other times it can feel light as a feather or soft like a pillow, but no burden is worth the hassle of another drink, is it dear? What's truly important dear is the message itself, like Dean said, and not just a single messenger. So put your trust today in a sober network of friends and not just one person. Find someone or a group of people who can provide you with a solid foundation first, than rediscover your true potential under all that.

We have a saying in my neck of the woods: "The burdens we bear are the burdens we share"; I know, it sounds corny, but it does make sense when it comes to sponsorship Tasha, believe me it does. The trick to all this is finding someone you connect with on a personal level, like people here on "MIP"; a group of sober individuals that could ease not only your pain but point you in the right sober direction as well. It's going to take some time dear, it certainly will, but time you have and lasting sobriety is what you want. So stick close to people here on "MIP" until you connect with others just like us.

We're part of your support network dear, and believe you me, you're deserving of nothing more than the best, are you not? So, we'll give you our best, we promise. And we'll never waver from that, and I mean ever. It's all you need dear, for today, and that's our sober guarantee.     

~God Bless~



-- Edited by Mr_David on Wednesday 2nd of May 2012 01:43:13 AM

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Mr.David


MIP Old Timer

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Or in other words, not take words so literally.  If you say to me "call lots of people to take some of the burden off your sponsor", I don't hear that I should call lots of people for my own sake and the sake of another, all I hear is that I'm a burden.  Then I spiral down the slippery sloap of discouragement so fast that my whole program crumbles.  Just like that.  One word.  I get to the point where I think I'm doing good, but really, I'm just learning to ride with the training wheels off.  It's so easy to loose my balance.  I keep forgetting how sick I am as some of the symptoms diminish.

Today I became so upset over my sponsor situation, that I was ready to give AA up completely.  Just like that.  All the drama, all the people who've let me down, all the work trying to find someone, all the misunderstanding, all the lack of woman... I just want to get on with my steps, have a connection with someone who has time for me... who I am not a burden to.  I let my head just spin and spin around this, getting so disgusted with this one thing, that I was ready to throw it all away.

In my morning reading:

Taking it slowly

Let's not make haste and demand perfection at once - this would only blind us. If we are impatient, we cannot work a daily program. But by exercising patience, we learn to recognize daily opportunities for growth.

It is worth waiting for, striving for, and working to develop a relationship with our Higher Power. It cannot be done overnight. Let's not go too fast, but count each day as a new opportunity.

Am I learning to take it slowly?

-Today's thought from Hazelden

I've taken that big scoop of sickness and poured it all over my breakfast and lunch.  After some quiet meditation, I've realized I can put the lid back on the jar, and not take another scoop for supper.  I can see the crazy for what it is, and pray for it to be removed.  Does that mean I'm not still upset?  No... I am.  Still, I will use the tools AA has taught me, slow down, and see the program as a whole, and that sponsorship is just one aspect of my program.  I will try to accept the less than perfect situation, and focus on what I'm grateful for instead.  I have several hours left in this day to turn it around.  That's the first thing on my gratitude list. 

Thanks for being here for me : )

 




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MIP Old Timer

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Andrew - I think Mark posted that video when I first came here, maybe it was you, not sure, but I actually watched it... something I would never bother with normally because of my slow country internet connection, and I re-watched it several time... loved it! Thanks... it's about time I watch it again, I swore I would every few months. Forgot about it of course... time flies!



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This is my very first post.  I am 27 years sober and, I need a meeting.  Not in the traditional sense -- I am not about to take a drink.  Why should I after 27 years?  Physically, no big deal; no different than having a double hot fudge sundae at  Mickey Dee's.

Spiritually?  Very damaging.  And yet, I know if I ever do that I would be accepted in these rooms and the ones in every city there is.  Taking a drink doesn't make me a bad person; it makes me an addicted person.  Just as freedom in America means a constant hyper-vigelence against those who would attempt to take that freedom, so is it the same with alcohol.  Most days, I never think of it.  On those days that I do, I protect myself as I would protect my country:  With love and truth...religiously.

Not religiously in the traditional sense but...in the spiritual sense, learned in many, many 12 Step rooms of many stripes.

So, I come here to reach out; to share my story and my successes and my failures with you.  I hope that I can grow some more in this glorious life of ours and do so by making a difference in yours...and you, in mine.

Oh, and in answer to the original question about how to stop taking things personally?  You can't.  But, you can keep it at bay, minimize it, by talking about it as you do here.  I have the same problem.  When it is brought out into the sunlight in these and other rooms, it loses its power over us, over me.  My job is to understand it and ACCEPT IT.  Once I accept it within me, it looses its power EVEN MORE!

The very act of me talking about my own sensitivities helps me right now.

I've got lots more to say.  Let's talk.



-- Edited by rayted32 on Sunday 29th of April 2012 10:30:14 AM

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Ted Myers



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Andrew thank you for this powerful video. I know its something I will keep and look at often. :}

Tasha as David has said above this forum is part of your network as it is for me too. God works through people and each member on this forum has experience, strength and hope. Its an AA group of people and today I need them in my life. I care about you.

I need this today because I feel outside of my group, and this is not a good space to be for me. They see my pains. They listen to my pains if and when I SHARE about them. But they do not hear. I have been part of my groups here for 5yrs and it is my life. Its my community. They see how vulnerable I am. I have lost trust in the good old timers. But the thing is I have not lost trust in my own capabilities and my trust and dependence on my Higher Power.

When the time is right someone will come along. My husband has always shared with new comers and always will that AA is not to be rushed. Take your time with the steps.Keep taking your medication first,once well enough because the first tenders months we are all hanging on tight. We are able to work the steps with a clear head and a clear understanding.

I recall a good friend back home who is now two yrs sober thank God. But he was in and out of AA for for 10 years and we were with in on one of his many returns. He would always say he's found a sponsor and completed the steps with them,and this time it would work,then to build up resentments and go back out. Bless him on one of my many visits home he took me to a step meeting that we would go to each Sunday, I love returning home to see all my friends at all the meetings :} But he so wanted to give me my 7 yrs chip and he did :} And the change in him to see was wonderful. thank God he's got it :} :}

I skye call a friend of ours who returned to USA. She returned to drink and for two years we watched her from afar but i never gave up hope for her and one day she called me over here,she was ready to do again. And she has :} She thanked us both because her words were she had nobody but us,and she could not have done it without us and that we never gave up on her. Two months now whoop,whoop. I am here for a skye call and am happy to connect with you. All it takes is an inbox :} And a download for anyone of Skype. And guess what its free :} I am here as a friend for anyone until face to face sponsors are found.

Thank you all for being here for me today.

Polly.X

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MIP Old Timer

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Tasha - This journey is painful for you, but it's okay. You are emotional, raw, learning how to cope without alcohol. This is just the way it was for all of us. You will slowly stop being hurt and interpretting comments in ways that harm your ego as you build your self-esteem up. This will come from all the things you currently are doing. Stay close to the AA fellowship and the program and that way the healing will happen. You don't have to wonder how, when, and why.... Your HP will take care of that. Just keep doing the footwork.

I spent the first year in sobriety going "I wish I had a sponsor who..." and "Why am I not better yet!!!???" Then it all the sudden would dawn on me...."Holy crap! I didn't drink for a year. I am lots better than I was. I guess this stuff works."

Hence, I will say what was said to me and it used to piss me off: "You are right where you are supposed to be."

Mark

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One of the great paradoxes of getting sober is that many of us must learn to love ourselves so that we can stop obsessing about ourselves -- a kind of woundedness that makes everything personal and life threatening. Our very own sense of brokenness...of defectiveness...keeps us stuck in the cycle of hopelessness. The only way out is to drink, to drug, to eat, to have sex. We do all of this to get into touch with that all-knowing child within us who yearns to be heard; who yearns to be accepted as the loving, capable, beautiful human being that our adult selves can be...we're it not for the soul-robbing existence of our childhoods. Can we heal? Can we restore our authentic selves? Can we ever be happy, even joyous? The answer is an unqualified ,"YES!" Twenty-seven years ago I discovered this wonderful fellowship and it led me to a new life and awareness that I believe I never could have achieved, even without being a drunk. This is a gift. I'm so glad I didn't throw this gift away. And now my Higher Power has pointed me to these rooms and I want to share this gift...even more. Stay tuned.

-- Edited by rayted32 on Sunday 29th of April 2012 08:11:09 PM

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Ted Myers



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Thank you all for your time and patience with me. It is so wonderful to have your support.

Raymond, thank you for your insights and welcome to MIP! Looking forward to what you have to say!

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MIP Old Timer

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(((((Tasha))))) only one of the things I did about me having the same problem (reacting) was to mantra "It's not all about me" over and over and over again until it became automatic and subconscious.  That is what worked for me....cause it ain't "all about me".   Don't be sooo hard on yourself.  You're only time and recovery is progressive.  smile



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rayted32 wrote:

This is my very first post.  I am 27 years sober and, I need a meeting.  Not in the traditional sense -- I am not about to take a drink.  Why should I after 27 years?  Physically, no big deal; no different than having a double hot fudge sundae at  Mickey Dee's.

Spiritually?  Very damaging.  And yet, I know if I ever do that I would be accepted in these rooms and the ones in every city there is.  Taking a drink doesn't make me a bad person; it makes me an addicted person.  Just as freedom in America means a constant hyper-vigelence against those who would attempt to take that freedom, so is it the same with alcohol.  Most days, I never think of it.  On those days that I do, I protect myself as I would protect my country:  With love and truth...religiously.

Not religiously in the traditional sense but...in the spiritual sense, learned in many, many 12 Step rooms of many stripes.

So, I come here to reach out; to share my story and my successes and my failures with you.  I hope that I can grow some more in this glorious life of ours and do so by making a difference in yours...and you, in mine.

Oh, and in answer to the original question about how to stop taking things personally?  You can't.  But, you can keep it at bay, minimize it, by talking about it as you do here.  I have the same problem.  When it is brought out into the sunlight in these and other rooms, it loses its power over us, over me.  My job is to understand it and ACCEPT IT.  Once I accept it within me, it looses its power EVEN MORE!

The very act of me talking about my own sensitivities helps me right now.

I've got lots more to say.  Let's talk.



-- Edited by rayted32 on Sunday 29th of April 2012 10:30:14 AM


 Welcome Ray. When was your last meeting.? I stayed away from meetings far too long and then picked up ! Please keep posting and disclose more :} 

I have forund this forum to be of graet help and support. I am sure you will too. 

Polly.X



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