Service work kept me high and dry today.  I'm getting all tangled up in AA now. 

My son will talk to himself sometimes, when he's trying to find courage.  He's very afraid of heights.  So afraid that even if I just lift him up too high, he gets very scared.  A bird built a nest in our wreath out front, and the eggs hatched a couple days ago.  We've been peeking in on the little fuzz balls every morning and night.  Each time, Max will walk up to me, concentrating really hard on finding his courage to let me lift him over my head so he can peer in.  "Just be brave, just be brave" he'll whisper to himself under his breath.  (He's a cute little guy, so grown up at only 5).

He finds the courage to conquer his fears, and reeps the benefits with joy and giggles.

I have had to learn this from him... my 5 yr old.  When I came to realize that if I was going to stay sober, I needed to do what sober people do, it started out in this exact fashion.  I would come on this message board, not want to write anything, not want to be honest, not want to write anything "wrong", and then just do it anyway.  I knew I needed to start making friends, I mean for goodness sake,  it's been four months!  I went to a meeting, stopped staring at my feet and introduced myself to someone.  It was awkward, I stated so, and today, we are becomming friends.  I've forced myself to speak each day at a meeting, no matter how terrible I've felt... even when I could only blubber out some noises, tears, and a few words here and there.  I don't do that (so much) anymore.  Most days I'm cheerful, people talk to me because they are getting to know me... good and bad me.  No one did that during the first 3 months... I never got past the welcoming hand shakes... no one knew my name.  I do my readings in the morning, talk to my God when I remember to, I'm enjoying those things, and I don't have to force myself anymore. 

I pick up a few ladies with no license, and I have commited to it, not afriad I might let them down and not show up one day (cuz I got drunk instead), when they are counting on me to get to a meeting.  I have picked up job applications for them... and I have never once expected anything in return (that just occured to me, so I'm not trying to gloat here).  I'm just saying... I'm all tangled up in AA, because I said to myself, "be brave, be brave" and took the leap.  Suprisingly... my wings do work!   I have my HP - AA - YOU - and my son to thank for helping me test them out.  Even through the turbulant wind and weather sometimes, it's such a joy to fly! 

*giggle*