I just read, "I just need to "say" it", a post here on the board. It reminded me of spining the wheel, the marble going around and around.. and every time it seemed to land on the good "Party" stuff. Shooting pool, drag racing, disco dancing (yah, I'm old lol), loud music, booties shakin', wild cars, fast woman...
Then one day I realized that some hideous force had removed all the Party, and put the CRAP on the wheel... suspended licensed, revoked license, wrecked car, divorce, lost business, utter lonliness, fearful situations...
Suddenly the thought crossed my mind.. I had been spinning that wheel for a bit over 8 years trying to get the Party back, and it wasn't even on the wheel any more... It was Gone! The party was over, and had been for a long time. And I could drink and/or drug until I was blue in the face, but it was never going to return...
I sat on a curb.. with tears rolling silently down my face, not wanting to take another drink, as long as I lived.... as I took another drink...
I truly conceded on this day that "I was/am an alcoholic" It moved from being an idea, to a place where all reservations were smashed, I conceded to my inner most self.
That is the day I truly surrendered.
John
-- Edited by John on Friday 27th of April 2012 08:11:58 AM
I just read, "I just need to "say" it", a post here on the board...
I truly conceded on this day that "I was/am an alcoholic" It moved from being an idea, to a place where all reservations were smashed, I conceded to my inner most self.
That is the day I truly surrendered.
Thanks for sharing this.
I don't know if "saying it" was my moment of surrender because I don't have enough distance yet. What I do know is what I felt on Tuesday when, what seemed like out of no where, the tension in my shoulders released, the knot in my stomach eased, and the sense that things are going to be OK came over me.
The day (it was night) i surrendered, was in the back of a cop car wearing handcuffs, i was smiling in relief as the decision slid from my brain down into my heart. i wanted sobriety more than anything else in my life. jj/sheila
Thank you for your post. For me, just saying it was absolutely essential too. These days I wish I had said it years ago, but I try not to dwell on that. The important thing is, I said it I accepted it and I got myself to where I needed to be.
Thank you for helping me stay sober today.
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The Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you treat others.
I remember the night I surrendered. I was sitting in my bed at four in the morning and shaking in my own skin. I wasn't even really drunk the night before or hungover that day. I was just done. It was like the emotions, struggles, fears and hopelessness all came to a rolling boil and I knew at that moment something had to change. Three days later I went to my first meeting and in just under two weeks it will be a year since that sad and lonely night that kicked off taking each day at a time. Loved this share, John. Thanks for reminding me again when I waved the white flag and why.
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
I remember the Sunday morning after my last bender. I knew I was an alcoholic for a while, I even admitted it, but there was no acceptance, I kept fighting to the last. This time I was kind of bewildered, one more failed experiment, nothing left, no more fight in me. Then the phone went, my AA friend, Danny, called because he hadn't seen me for a few days. I told him about my bender, he said "I thought that might happen" Then he arranged to take me to a meeting and set me on the path to recovery, one day at a time. Great sense of timing or perhaps the first of many miracles I was to see.
God bless, Mikeh.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Saturday 28th of April 2012 02:22:18 AM
Nice insight John. And I agree on the party theme, totally. The party scene was not for me, at least not the whole 'disco' thing, but my drinking did spiral out of control at times, same as you. I do remember my last drink though and the embarrassment it caused. I remember feeling less than as the judge threw down the gauntlet of shame, not in my favor either. But what proceeded from there has been nothing short of miraculous; as "AA" gave me the new lease on life I'd been searching for all along. So thank you "AA" and "MIP" for the new lease on life and for everything sobriety related. It's the glue that binds things together, for sure. We're proud of you, John; we really are, so keep encouraging us with your stories and your sobriety, okay. Both of which keeps us sober, for today.
