There is another way the analogy of cancer is used and that is to highlight what ought to happen when a serious life threatening illness is diagnosed. When my wife was diagnosed it was all action. It involved going through the treatment with considerable urgency because cancer is a progressive disease. Some parts of the treatment seemed to bring on symptoms that were worse than the disease, but she hung in there doing what ever was asked of her, without delay. Of course all in the family were sympathetic but it would have made no difference if they were not, the treatment plan would still have been followed exactly as the medics prescribed and at the appointed times. On the day she was diagnosed it was hard to take in, but we accepted the situation and the very next day was action, action and more action. She did whatever she could and managed to stave off the disease for two years, twice the time we thought we had. Tasha, do you see the similarity, the order of priorities? Weren't you talking about a serious life threatening progressive illness. Isn't there a definite plan to follow to bring relief and doesn't it involve action and more action? Is the sympathy of relatives, or otherwise, material to the outcome of the treatment? Acceptance you have, perhaps action would be a better word for today.
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Saturday 21st of April 2012 03:35:30 PM
I'm wondering this morning, how to go about today, after having this thought: What if I was sick with cancer instead of alcoholism?
So far, ALL of the people who know I have alcoholism on my husbands side of the family, have not said a word to me. Not offered an "are you okay"? Stopped interaction completely.
I can't help but wonder today, if I had cancer, would they shun me in this way? Probalby not. They are all decent enough people, who have the capacity to empathize for another human being.
I have a tiny little huge resentment towards this disease today. So - my word for the day is acceptance.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tasha - As you stay sober longer, your sobriety will be something you are so proud of and it will not bother you what they might think. There have been about 2 incidents where people judged me and tried to toss it in my face that I was an alcoholic. At this point, I hold my head up high cuz I've gone longer with out a drink than 99 percent of the population and am FAR FAR less likely to make stupid choices due to being under the influence than they are. Hence, they can judge me if they want. I know I'm sober and my past is something I've dealt with.
I don't question "What if I had cancer?" I'm glad I don't. You don't want to be a victim and get sympathy or pity. It's not helpful. You are in the difficult spot of earning some folks' trust back. You are doing everything postive that you can do today. With that - you release control of your inlaws to your higher power. Also, when you get to steps 8 and 9 you will be wanting to make some amends to your husband and his family even. It will be harder to do if you have active resentment towards them. Expectations of them will keep you in emotional chains of bondage just like alcohol had you as its slave.
One day in the future the inlaws might be over and talking about some distant relative or friend that has an alcohol problem and they will say something like "Tasha - he/she can't seem to stop like you did" or something like that. That is basically how it goes with me now. It was once as though I had leprosy and now the nonAA folks see me as "safe" or recovered. Doesn't matter that much cuz folks in AA know exactly what I'm going through with regard to my alcoholism and not everyone else has to fully understand it. Who knows? It is likely that this will happen for you or something like it, but you have to just continue to stay sober and do the right thing today and the next day in order to get to that point.
In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Probably not, but people think it's self inflicted. That's for them to come to terms with. Just stick with things and they'll see the changes.
Don't worry about looking for sympathy. You don't need it.
And try this: can you be grateful that this disease has brought you here? That you will get a chance to enrich your soul and rebuild yourself in a way non alcoholics ever could?
I heard a guy say that in a meeting real early on and I thought he was nuts, but I'm pretty close to his thinking these days.
I can understand where you're coming from JaD. I think most of us have felt that.
Reality is, it's not cancer (thankfully), it's alcoholism. As the Big Book says, there is lots of ignorance and misunderstanding surrounding it, as with many other forms of mental illness.
Even people in AA are not immune to that ignorance and misunderstanding (consider for example, that old classic line that some use in closing their shares: "Thanks to AA I choose not to drink today." Err..if you could choose not to drink today you wouldn't need AA -- and implication is that those in AA who are still drinking are choosing to do so.)
But, the miracle of this program is that we can deal with that ignorance and misunderstanding. Over time, as those close to you see the changes in you as you work this program, they may well change their tune. And if they don't, it won't matter, as if you work this program thoroughly you will be sober. To me, everything else is just a bonus! :)
Keep coming back.
Steve
-- Edited by SteveP on Saturday 21st of April 2012 05:03:27 PM
-- Edited by SteveP on Sunday 22nd of April 2012 02:48:00 PM
Tasha, maybe they are respecting your privacy. I think it's a good thing. Think about how awkward it would be if, every time they saw you, they said "how's the not drinking thing going?", or "have you been getting drunk lately?", or "glad you're not getting drunk anymore..."
I try hard not to let people live in my head rent free ! I used to hear this saying and one day it made sense. While I spent so much time thinking about things and talking to them and myself in my head they were off doing whatever, when ever and not giving me a second thought !
Still today little resentments creep in its only natural but I can deal with them.
Your in-laws may well have lost trust in you and this will need to be built up again. My daughters were always wondering if I might drink again I recall one daughter often sniffing as I kissed her, I was also doing such things to my husband in his early days too.
I was told to give time,time. I understand this as being that in time others needed to learn to trust in me as I too needed to trust in myself. But I also learnt that I needed to trust in my higher power to guide me and show me the way forward.Pray for them.
In time they will accept and see that you are doing all you can do to change and in time their trust in you will return.
One of my daughters asked me once Mum do you need to make AA so important so I replied Yes I do because I need to. She understood.
As long as you accept you have an illness in time they too will understand if you help them slowly,and easy dose it a day at a time.
I remember a point where I really wanted some kudos for not drinking and getting my act together. A friend in the program told me a little joke about how this man kept telling his mother every day that he hadn't had a drink. She finally replied...neither has the cat. It brought it home for me that while it is a huge deal that I am in recovery, it is quite normal and expected for people not to be drunk each day. That said, it is another great reason to have a fellowship of alcoholics in my life. They do understand that sometimes I do need to hear a "way to go, vixen!" :)
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I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
Right after writing this, I left off for a morning meeting. I heard EXACTLY everything I needed to hear regarding this and more... so crazy how that happens all the time.
I want to not care what people think, but I can't honestly say I'm there yet. But I do not need any sympathy from anyone, that isn't what's going to keep me sober, that I do know.
Such a pity party I can have... glad to have this board to write it down and look back on my foolishness.
Dean, you always slap me in the face, just when I need it.
I appreciate everyone's words and thoughts, taking the time to read my sulky posts... and the time to try and set me straight. I need this. Thanks everyone!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I recently went to a family gathering. My uncle has been sober for almost 20 years. And at this party his sister was slightly drunk, and wanted to move the truck. And from across the yard, he said to her: "I'll do it, I'm not drinking today" my fiancée and I looked at each other and thought: neither are we. I'm glad he still has enthusiasm for his sobriety but at the same time, even as aa members, we thought that his pride was making him look like a fool. Just like your other post said you feel human, your own inner pride should be the most rewarding. **** them. Go you. But WTF do I know lol
-- Edited by StPeteDean on Sunday 22nd of April 2012 09:32:26 PM
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sober: showing no excessive or extreme qualities of fancy, emotion, or prejudice
How about an English afternoon tea party with your new found AA friends each month to celebrate yours and even your friends ''Pick-up my month Chip Party '''
Now that would be a tea party full of gratitude and laughter. Go Girl ..Gooo :} Cucumber sandwiches and home made fresh cream cakes.:}
