Yesterday at what I would now consider my home group, I asked about my sponsor not calling me back. Same question I had here, am I fired, is that how it commonly goes around here etc. I have been going to this meeting every day at noon for the last 3 weeks since getting sober after my relapse. The regulars know my name, and know my story. Still don't have any friends, but that's mostly just because there are very few females that are not really really strange. The more sane people are all males, and of course, I really don't talk to them, and they don't really talk to me. I would love to have friends in AA, but the decades of age difference between me and the other ladies, seems to be a hinderance for them and for me too honestly.
So yesterday, I asked one of the old timer guys in my group, that comes every day, if he thinks I was fired and also that I was getting really worried about him because he wasn't returning my calls and I haven't seen him. This guy, asked me who my sponsor was, and I told him. He said "oh yeah, I just saw him last night, he's fine." And I said, oh that's such a relief, I'm so glad to know he's okay. So then he must have just fired me right? I asked? Well I don't think he would just not answer your calls, he would have told you if you were fired I would think. I'll ask him tonight when I see him for ya, the guy says. Lots of other people chimed into this conversation with the - you shouldn't have a male sponsor anyway, and I told them the "how" he ended up my temp. sponsor, that he stood up in a meeting and said he would sponsor anyone, and that I could not find a female. Then the conversation goes off in that direction, when all I really wanted to know was how and what I am to do about the situation, and could anyone reccomend a female sponsor to me. One of the older ladies there, then started the meeting by saying, due to a conversation I just had before the meeting, I'd like to have the topic of anonimity. She looked right at me, and said we shouldn't use people's names, and that breaks the rules of the traditions. Then the whole room went around, everyone still looking straight at me, and went on about if they thought I did the right thing about wondering about my sponsor, or the wrong thing. So now it's as if I know how each person feels about me in that group, and of course, some were very much standing up for me, and some were very much not. I feel like I just split that group into two distinct clicks - and I feel terrible. I feel terrible because my sponsor dumped me and I don't know why, and I was slapped on the wrist for asking about him. It never even occured to me I was doing anything wrong, I thought I was doing everything right, by talking about it, and feeling comfortable enought to ask people's advise and help.
I feel terrible that people in my group are singling me out... I cried for hours after leaving that meeting. Never wanting to go back. Hating this woman for ruining the only other good thing going for me other than this message board.
Why did she have to direct the whole meeting at me. Why couldn't she just pull me aside and explain that to me nicely?
Why did my sponsor fire me.
Why can't I get on with the steps, as I was so ready to do.
Why do I have to be a f'n alcoholic and deal with all this shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why can't I just be NORMAL! I hate this disease! I HATE IT and I hate dealing with all the rest of the people who have it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
.........deep breath.
God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
......deep breath.
My sponsor fired me and there is nothing more I can do about it. I can however, look harder for a new sponsor. I can forgive him for going about it in a cowardly way, and remember the times I've been cowardly and how terrible it made me feel. I can pray that he find the strength to overcome that, and remember he is a sick person too, and not expect him to be perfect.
I can go back to my meeting today, and show myself that I have courage today because of AA, and that this program is working for me. I can choose to believe that people are trying to help me, and do the best they know how, or are capable of. That they are sick people too, and not expect them to be perfect.
I can accept that I have a disease. That I am sick, and not expect myself to be perfect.
And I will stay sober this 24 hrs.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Tasha, I cannot tell you how much I relate you your post. I OFTEN formed resentments in the early days of my sobriety because I thought meetings and topics were really about me and folks were judging me. After you go to 35493204823 more meetings, you will see what a hot topic anonymity is and how different folks in AA have different views. It's just one of those things that gets tripped off easily and we somehow love to discuss it in meetings even though nobody will ever agree upon a firm definition of how to be anonymous in AA. When you hear anonymity, outside help, and some other things as topics, just know that it's going to be a big debate and it's not about you. More than likely, if anyone saw any infraction it was on the part of the oldtimers that continued to engage in conversation about this guy when he wasn't there. Even that's debatable because it's not about anonymity when everyone there knows him. Anonymity is more something to be concerned about when you are OUTSIDE of the rooms.
I would not take that lady or the discussion topic personally. Let it roll off you. I know it seemed very real and like you were getting a smack down but I'm betting that it wasn't that way in reality.
I remember sharing in one meeting during early sobriety that I was proud to be paying all my bills independently and not asking for help and such and then a few old-timers shared that "You don't get a a medal for doing the things that 99 percent of grown people just have to do every day." I was so deflated. I was SURE that they were judging me and that it was all about me. In reality, it was their truth at their own stage in their recovery and that did not need to take away from where I was at. Of course I now feel the same as them but, in early recovery, I needed the little triumphs and to feel like I was progressing.
I also shared I was a therapist in one meeting and I got told "We take off our professional hats when we are in the rooms." Okay, well those people did not know that really "being a therapist" was about the only thing I was proud of and the only thing that I had any self esteem about at that time and I TOTALLY felt like they pissed on the only thing that had much meaning for me at that time. I remember being very angry that they didn't chastize the millions of folks that had no jobs at all so why where they crapping on me and my job. Again, I made it about me when it really wasn't. If anything it was about them because people do not want therapy in AA meetings (well...maybe some do lol). They hear that this is my profession and immediately think I'm going to take their inventory.... It's not about me.
So...find another sponsor and keep moving forward. Your disease wants you to be hurt, offended, and angry and to achieve total HALT status so you can then get drunk. Stay vigilant. Let nothing deter you from your recovery. Whenever you get mad or feel hurt about a topic or interaction in AA, just figure "What is the lesson in this for me?" and then move forward. None of us can afford to take steps backwards.
You are a very valued member of this AA forum and you will eventually see how far that extends (to all meetings across the world). Just remember that, during this painful time of growth, lots of folks care about you. Early sobriety sucks, but it's so much better than the alternative.
In support,
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
I felt soooooooo much better after screaming that out, and really admitting it! And then being able to re read it, and look at it, and see it for what it is/was. And then have the tools thanks to you guys... to think it through in a healthy way. That felt great - and Mark, I really appreciate your words of wisdom... thanks for the insight.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
And I am so lucky to be "dealing with all the people who have it" too. Thanks to everyone who has been here for me to let me scream and cry on their shoulder.
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Sorry for your confusion and hurt. If you are in a metro area, you could explore other meetings and find one that feels safer for you. AA is a huge fellowship and only a small percentage of meeting attendees are really there for a full 12-step recovery or to help carry that message. And not all who volunteer to sponsor really know how to take someone through the steps 'by the book.'
Anonymity is one of those topics that has different 'understandings' or 'interpretations.' In my area, people are always dropping the name of their sponsor and who they got quotes from, whether that person is at the meeting or not. Some of it is encouraged (ego and halo polishing goes on a lot). I try to remind people to just keep names out of the conversation (share in general terms), unless they have permission to share specifically. And YES, as you remind yourself--breathe... deeply, slowly, often. page 87: "As we go through the day, we pause when agitated or doubtful, and ask (your HP as you understand him her or it) for the right thought or action." ie, Pause, Reflect, and Pray--in additon to breathing.
Here is something from one of the co-founders about the 11th Tradition of Anonymity
"Since our Tradition on anonymity designates the exact level where the line should be held, it must be obvious to everyone who can read and understand the English language that to maintain anonymity at any other level is definitely a violation of this Tradition.
"The A.A. who hides his identity from his fellow A.A. by using only a given name violates the Tradition just as much as the A.A. who permits his name to appear in the press in connection with matters pertaining to A.A.
"The former is maintaining his anonymity above the level of press, radio and films, and the latter is maintaining his anonymity below the level of press, radio, and films -- whereas the Tradition states we should maintain our anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films."
Dr. Bob Smith, on the 11th Tradition
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"What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition." ~Basic Text, page 85
Good Morning Tasha, First, sending you big cyber hugs. Thank you so much for your honesty. I hope you at least felt a little better after posting. When I first starting going to AA, about 15 months ago, I remember sitting in a meeting and sharing about how I felt about different people's approaches to sobriety. Not anyone in particular in the group I go to, just approaches, such as the big book thumper, or AA nazi, as I referred to them, vs. one who shows you how to live the steps and traditions and practice these principles in all our affairs. Mind you, I really had no idea what that meant. I only knew how I felt at the time, and I shared it. Well, there were a couple of people there who didn't care for what I said, and they let me know about it. I shrank in my seat. I slunk (is that even a word???) out of that meeting and I never wanted to go back. But I did. I had to, as I knew I couldn't stay sober on my own and I desperately wanted to stay sober. This whole way of life is a learning process for us, and it doesn't always come easy. Many things have happened at my home group since I started going that have confused me, saddened me, angered me, etc.. I have had to come to the realization that we are all sick people trying to get well. One person in my home group shares that it's a good thing we are not all sick on the same day. It must have been very hard to sit through a meeting like that, one you felt was directed at you and your actions. Kudos to you for staying, I think I probably would have gotten up and walked out. One of the first things I heard in AA is that it's none of my business what anyone else thinks of me. HUH????? I had spent practically my whole life worrying about what others thought of me and trying to be who they thought I was or who I thought they wanted me to be. It has taken me a while to learn to live this new AA concept of it being none of my business, but I am getting there. From your posts here it sounds like you are trying to do the "next right thing" in your life and in your sobriety. Lord knows, that's not easy. But you are doing it, and don't let anyone or anything take that away from you. You deserve to be a part of that group just as much as anyone else who walks in the door. Go back, with your head held high, you are worth it. Pray for your higher power to lead you to the person who is right to be your sponsor. Try closing your eyes and listening to the women share, clsoing out who they are except for their words. Perhaps that will help you to identify with one a bit. Whatever you do, don't give up. Give yourself a break, and give yourself some credit. Learning how to live a sober life is not easy. But so far, at least for me, it is definitely worth it. Again, Thanks for your posts and your honesty. You help me in my sobriety more than you know. Peace
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
Howdy JaD, as you can see, most of us have felt exactly the same way! :)
When I first started going to meetings, I practically felt like throwing a chair through the window sometimes.
My problem was that unlike you, I wasn't honest about it so that stuff lived in my head for a long time. BUT, I kept coming back -- glad I did, and I chuckle at it now, got the tools to deal with stuff now.
Sorry for your confusion and hurt. If you are in a metro area, you could explore other meetings and find one that feels safer for you. AA is a huge fellowship and only a small percentage of meeting attendees are really there for a full 12-step recovery or to help carry that message. And not all who volunteer to sponsor really know how to take someone through the steps 'by the book.'
Anonymity is one of those topics that has different 'understandings' or 'interpretations.' In my area, people are always dropping the name of their sponsor and who they got quotes from, whether that person is at the meeting or not. Some of it is encouraged (ego and halo polishing goes on a lot). I try to remind people to just keep names out of the conversation (share in general terms), unless they have permission to share specifically. And YES, as you remind yourself--breathe... deeply, slowly, often. page 87: "As we go through the day, we pause when agitated or doubtful, and ask (your HP as you understand him her or it) for the right thought or action." ie, Pause, Reflect, and Pray--in additon to breathing.
Here is something from one of the co-founders about the 11th Tradition of Anonymity
"Since our Tradition on anonymity designates the exact level where the line should be held, it must be obvious to everyone who can read and understand the English language that to maintain anonymity at any other level is definitely a violation of this Tradition.
"The A.A. who hides his identity from his fellow A.A. by using only a given name violates the Tradition just as much as the A.A. who permits his name to appear in the press in connection with matters pertaining to A.A.
"The former is maintaining his anonymity above the level of press, radio and films, and the latter is maintaining his anonymity below the level of press, radio, and films -- whereas the Tradition states we should maintain our anonymity at the level of press, radio, and films."
Dr. Bob Smith, on the 11th Tradition
Quoted for truth.
I never ever want to be so anonymous that an alcoholic who wants my help can't find me.
In my town the central lunchtime meetings tend to go a bit off beam at times mainly due to the lack of actual recovery in the meeting. They are great places to identify when new but I was always told the real recovery is to be found at the night time suburban meetings. And I have found this to be the case. For a while I was happy to sit and relate to the lunchtime crowd, but then I decided to go and recover where the recovery was.
justadrunk wrote: I can choose to believe that people are trying to help me, and do the best they know how, or are capable of. That they are sick people too, and not expect them to be perfect.
I can accept that I have a disease. That I am sick, and not expect myself to be perfect.
And I will stay sober this 24 hrs.
Hang onto that bit. That thinking gets me through just about anything. :)
