I'm 2 years and 30 something days sober. My personal deffects have become even more apparent ..... I am crabby and unhumble and miserable a lot of the time....... constantly battling the world telling myself to let go and let GOD but as soon as I say that I lash out at the world again. I am redoing my step 4 and really procrastinating it in fear that nothing will change I doant have any confidence Aat all in myself that I will change.......... I just keep hitting meetings and find myself faking it in hopes of making it............ I ask GOD to help me be willing tobe willing and it doesnt come................ I dont resnt him I resnt myself
You sound exactly like I did at nearly three years sober. I belonged to a huge, active, and social group and hated everyone of them. I also wasn't too fond of myself. What I did was go to a person that I knew who had done the steps through the Big Book. He took me through slowly, but thoroughly. I learned about being selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid. Through this guy and God, I learned about the root causes of my disease and my part in all my resentments. It changed my life. I am not always happy, joyous, and free, but I'm relatively content and happy with my life. It's worth a try. Best of luck, and I hope to hear more from you. Mike in Boston
I'm the same way..I only have 15 days this time but had 6 years and a few 4 year sobriety times. I'm already doing step 4 because I always skipped 4 and 5. I'm also using a sponser tis time. I do one thing when I lash out now...try to stop and think what my motivation is for me exploding this way. I find it is because for years I have been a lier and always let people down and now I want instant respect. Respect is earned. Just think if we really got what we deserved where would we be, but by the grace of our god of choice we have another chance and in my case another and another and another.
It will take years to develope trust in the ones we have hurt and in some cases we will never gain trust. I'm also taking some private counsel which is helping me a lot,,,Thank God for insurence..Don't forget you are not alone in this program. We are all very sick and need to take constant care of ourselves buy working the steps. We never Graduate..I went back out a few times because I thought I did..Dang it !!!!
Thanks for reminding me of the early days. Into my second year I found myself in a bad marriage with friends that still partied. My only safe place was in a meeting. I sat , listened and most of the time was way too shy to talk. I found a sponsor, however there were only 2 females to choose from. I was scared to death to do step 4. Finally I did. By my 3rd year I had made many changes, mostly my thoughts and actions. I got a divorce and started a brand new life. I became a chemical dependency counselor, remarried, and had the child that 2 doctors told me I would never have. Life has had many ups and downs, but nothing matters more than my sobriety and being able to look at myself, be proud of good changes, and change things I need to. Not easy but so worth it. In 2 weeks I will celebrate 17 years. No regrets only gratitude.
Feeling restless?irritated?discontent? It was the same for me at about 3 yrs. And doing another 4th step is peeling another layer off the onion...you have a wise sponsor! I have almost 5 yrs now and do a 4th about every 1 1/2 yrs...those feelings you described will go away. You know the program works if you work it...keep going to meetings and sharing. It'll get better.
Also, at 2 years, if you aren't doing service work you should try that. It really takes me out of myself and puts me right back into an attitude of gratitude.
I'm glad you found the board. I came here a year ago when I moved to an area with only one meeting a week. This has really given me an opportunity to be in contact with AA on a daily basis and I have found some great people here.
Not trying to be a smart ass but I'm only 20 months sober and I'm not expecting 2nd yr blues
I demand of myself to be getting on with life ( as best I can for the moment ) because I have accepted I can not drink------p30 BB Fully conceed. It's made my journey thus far a lot easier.
If this is as good as it gets it's better than it was.
Sorry if this comes across as smart assed but it really is fantastic to be sober Good luck Des
First Things First: I absolutely love living the life that God has truly blessed me with.
However, I have found that life is forever changing. The steps are a design for living, Which are to be worked DAILY. The directions are in the book. The support comes from the group.
I know you hear a lot about suggestions. Well, they are not suggestions for me, they are directions. If I want what everyone has, I must do the work and follow the directions. Half measures avail us nothing.
I threw myself into the program, including the steps, Big Book, 12x12, service, sponsoring, service, service, service. I have been through many difficult things in my 12 years, however if you apply the steps as a way of life, it becomes a habit.
Now, I am going to teach you, WHAT NOT TO DO.... Listen closely. It may save you from unnecessary insanity.
With life always changing, adaption must come. Around 9 years of recovery, slowly without awareness, I started to become a little critical, things started bothering me, joy didn't seem to be there as much as it used to be. I became ill, and that compounded things. However, I could rationalize the negative feelings, words, behaviors, lack of joy ect. because of my illness. WRONG!
One day to my surprise, after pondering for about a year, a light bulb came on. Being miserable for about a year, (DRY DRUNK) I started asking myself some questions. Why had things changed? I had many wonderful years even through cancer, suicide, husband and son using, ect. Through all these difficult things, I still could walk with a positive attitude and have faith beyond belief. What did happen within the last year for me to change in the opposite direction?
Do you want to know what happened? I BECAME COMFORTABLE. My life was balanced and wonderful. As the Big Book talks about, I started RESTING ON MY LAURELS. Slowly the steps, the accountablity to a sponsor, the discipline, ect. was not a DAILY action. I started taking recovery for granted.
By the grace of God, I did not drink. The answer? I went back to the basics. I started again working with a sponsor, whom I am accountable to. I am again working the steps and taking the ACTION to apply them DAILY. I am ACTIVELY involved in AA, not just someone taking up a seat, I am being rigorously honest, ect.
I learned what could happen when you become comfortable and rest on your laurels. When the action ceases. I cannot afford to do this, because when I do, my life becomes unmanageable. Today, it is not about the drinking. It is about the thinking. Unless I am working the steps, DAILY, I am backsliding, and my life WILL become unmanageable. This is a program of action.
I have worked long and hard to get to where I am at. I followed directions by the elders, and did many things that I did not want to do. I walked in blind faith many times, because I was told. I studied the books. I was accountable to someone. I did much service, even when I didn't want to, including cleaning toilets for 5 years at our home group. I listened, because I was told to. I applied these steps to my life, because I was told to. I consistantly worked on incorporating this program into every area of my life. I made more mistakes than I care to mention. I humiliated myself more than I want to mention. I have cried more tears than I thought I ever had. I have sat up many nights doing 12 step work. I have made amends while gritting my teeth.
I have not worked recovery perfect. The only thing that I really did right is, I did not quit. I had to be at a place, the jumping of point, to get to a position of doing everything that I was told. To take the ACTION of honestly working the program.
I am extremly grateful to the fore fathers before me, and to the people that so relentlessly and lovingly carried this program to me. I am extremely grateful that God allowed me to see when the lightbulb appeared. So yes, recovery is not always easy. It takes commitment, discipline, and many other things, but I would never trade the life I have today for anything. I have richly been blessed with an abundance. I believe most of it is in my attitude and perception. These things I do have control over.
If you can learn anything from my mistake, God bless you! It has to be a DAILY program of ACTION. Today my life is back on the beam. Daily I reap an abundance of tranquility, serenity and joy. Attitude of Gratitude!!
