Standing up for myself, and asking for common decensy is something I would have never done in my past life. I did that last night, and it was amazing. It felt so unreal at the same time. As I take these baby steps forward, I sometimes feel like a person walking on stilts, but with one normal leg, and one stilted leg. I feel as awkward, and assume I must look it too.
Tip toeing around is not working out for my recovery, and I'm feeling the strength to not let anything stand in the way!
I didn't go about this perfectly. First I argued, stormed off to pout, wrote a big whine fest on here, re-read it, sat quietly, and then decided to be brave and "confront/talk" about it.
So I asked for time to talk, expressed my feelings without pointing blame, asked for the desired treatment, talked it over, and admitted my shortcomings just listed. I Pointed out and admitted where I was wrong, and could have done things differently, but most importatly, was brave enough to stand up for myself, and the way I want to be treated in the end.
They say when you change, you can tell it's working because people will buck it and try to get you to act "normal" even if that normal was not good. That is exactly what happened. Within 10 minutes, I was "tested". And after he finished yelling and pounding, I stuck to my guns, and reiterated everything I had just talked about. I really wanted to back down, slip away, hide and go back to just wishing it would stop without my actually doing anything about it... but I didn't. I stood strong, told him yelling and treating me that way was not okay, and asked calmly and politely for it to stop. And you know what he said? "I'll try". I decided I would choose to trust him and move on. Today I will look hard at my part in all of this, and continue to STAY SOBER!
I'm so grateful to have this place to share about this. Thanks!
-- Edited by justadrunk on Monday 9th of April 2012 09:07:46 AM
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Setting boundaries is good. After awhile we learn how to set them without any hostility. I had this same situation except it was with my newly ex-wife and my new found sobriety. Of course it was easier in the sense that we didn't have to live with each other, harder because the hostility was all we had between us besides the responsibility of raising our 2 year old son, and visitation was 3 times a week, 6 face to face meetings and a couple of phone calls. She wanted to pick an argument any chance she could. I decided that I would not respond in that manner but rather say "I guess we'll have to continue this discussion some other time, when you feeling better" and smile. That got several ****you's at first but she got tired of being the only one being angry. It took a couple months, and yes I did alternatively say "don't talk to me like that it's unacceptable". I still took about 6 months for it to completely go away. I swore that when our son turned 18 I'd never speak to her again, but where fairly good friends now and I care about what happens to her. She's had a lot of medical issues and her husband died a couple years ago blah blah blah...lol Good job Tasha, just don't get over charged with boundary setting, anger equals your disease trying to get the upper hand and make you drink.
Nicely done Tasha! In recovery we walk with our heads held up and kneel before no one except our loving Higher Power. We are no longer doormats.
My story is a lot like Deans. I set boundaries with my x-wife and she walked right through them. I was no longer willing to accept things that were unacceptable. We are no longer together. We have kids, so I see her often. She still tries to get me into an argument. Tries to have me justify EVERYTHING, but I'm learning I don't owe her an explanation for everything I'm doing. I keep my responses clear and consistent. She gets tried of hearing the same messages. It drives her crazy! Takes the power right out of her hands. I'm grateful that I'm no longer under her thumb.
I'm grateful that I'm no longer under her thumb.