Tasha, the fact of it is that he is hurt and you are powerless. Sadly it seems to be a characteristic of this disease (sometimes called the family disease) that those closest to us are the last to recognise that we have changed. Usually they have good reason to be skeptical. When I look at my own story, there were many false starts, many times my family's hopes were raised and then dashed when I drank again. I remember the start of my last bender, yet another attempt at control. I had been sober for three weeks. The expression of dissapointment on my fathers face when he saw I was drinking again is still with me today. For him it was a shattering disappointment. For the newly sober alcoholic who has suddenly discovered this wonderful new way of life it is baffling when the family don't show the same enthusiasm. But if we are honest, why should they? They, more than anyone else, have been hurt by our drinking, have seen us try to straighten out and fail repeatedly. They will be much more interested in a longer term demonstration that we have changed, and that takes time, sometimes a long time. We just have to accept that and ask God to help us carry on and show us each day what we can do to make restitution to our loved ones. God bless, MikeH
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Wednesday 4th of April 2012 11:49:35 PM
Hi all. I have a question and thought I could get some feedback here. Will discuss with my homegroup also, but can use all feedback I can get right now. Last week I decided that I could manage my alcoholism/addiction, as I have been sober for a little bit. As you can imagine, it did not go too well. I lied to my spouse again, and now he is so angry. I cannot change what I did, and I had to look honestly at why I did it. I had not completed Step One, I had not surrendered and accepted my disease. I didn't work with a sponsor, never actually worked any steps with another person. Was going to meetings just about daily, reading the BB, but not reaching out outside of the rooms. All of these things are things I need to do, that I must do if I am to live. I get that. I am working on that. I started over at 24hrs with my home group, and as has been said on here, they embraced me. My spouse, not so much. It had been suggested to me to give Al Anon info to him from the beginning, which I did not do. I had been inviting him to meetings and he didn't want to go. Last week he knew I was loaded and I lied anyway, then told him a couple of days later that I had lied. He doesn't want anything to do with me now, won't even talk to me. The only thing he said to me when I told him I lied was that I will never stop lying to him. I told him I am trying and he told me he doesn't believe me. He looks at me with such disgust and anger and it hurts so much. He won't even speak a word to me. I know Al anon can help him if he truly wants to understand, but should I suggest it to him now after what I did and with him being sooooo angry? Do I just let him be and work on me? So confused. Thanks for listening. Peace.
Tasha, Above is a post I made on this board in June of 2011. When I read yours, I thought to myself, she's telling my story. You can go back and read the responses I got if you want, there was a lot of ESH and truth that was posted in the replies. Today, a bit over 9 months later, things are better. They are not the way Kelley wants them to be, but they are better. I stopped trying to get my husband to understand something I don't understand a lot of myself. I started taking care of me for me. I started staying sober for me, because it was what I wanted in my life. At times I still get a bit upset because I think he doesn't care enough about me to be involved in my program of recovery. I talk to my sponsor and my God about it, let it out and let it go. At times I am still not sure if my marriage is going to survive my changing and him not, but I do know that no matter what, it's not worth drinking over. And I will be o.k., with or without him, though I do pray it will continue to be with him. I never would have imagined the life I have today 9 months ago, and I am excited for the future. So keep doing what you are doing in your program, you are worth it. Peace and ((((hugs)))I just wanted to add that I stopped apologizing for my past actions, and no longer lie, so do not have to apologize for today. I try to make living amends through my current behavior and actions. As I said, things are better.
-- Edited by nezyb on Thursday 5th of April 2012 01:08:36 AM
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I asked God for all things that I may enjoy life. He gave me life so that I may enjoy all things.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation Tasha. The last thing anyone needs is a sore lip to go along with our bruised ego, that's for sure. The level of despair you just encountered is nothing new for us alcoholics either, just indifferent somehow that's all. Don't let that resonate in your mind, though, okay. You're sober today and that's what truly matters, doesn't it? So I'll pray for a good outcome on your behalf Tasha, that's the least I can do.
It does seem perplexing though, doesn't it? This merry-go-round we find ourselves on. I understand the complexities of your situation Tasha and how our drinking affected everyone and anything. That I do get. But there is one thing I don't; why would we allow ourselves the luxuries of uninvited company, especially when they try to label us as being inferior when we're not. So, we have a disease called alcoholism; okay...that part I understand, but its manageable today isn't it? How about other issues besides our alcoholism? Those our manageable too aren't they? The bottom line for us is simply Tasha; life still happens for us today and our daily struggles will always be part of this sober life regardless, but misery is optional for us dear, okay. And no one can make you 'feel' inferior unless you allow them too. So don't, period.
My suggestion, keep working your program Tasha regardless of your situation. And never take your next sober breath for granted -that will only complicate an already existing problem. What you're currently going through can be reversed, but only if we remain sober. So please do. The rest will work out over time, guaranteed. I'll continue to pray for you dear and I hope your family will as well. Because we all need support somehow and sometimes our 'families' are all we got.
-- Edited by Mr_David on Thursday 5th of April 2012 03:14:04 AM
He rejects me. Spills my secrets to the world. He offers no hug, no words of encouragement. He doesn't take the time to learn about the disease. Or the time to ask me about my day. He yells at me. He expects me to be perfect. He expects me to be something I'm not. He holds a huge grudge and mountains of anger inside him. He doesn't want to talk about it. He's perfectly happy, except when he's speaking to me. He tells me he doesn't care if I'm hurting as a result.
Forgiveness seems out of reach.
I want to say that drinking was worse than feeling the way I do, I really want to think that too.
Do I have a right to be angry with someone I've hurt so badly through drinking? Why, if this is a disease, can I not be treated as if I have one. Would he treat me this way if I had cancer? I don't know where to draw the line between believing this is a disease, and being sorry for it? I don't know what is the healthy road to take. Do I just keep apologizing? Or do I stand up for myself, and my disease, and ask him to try and be supportive. Should I not need his support? He is still my husband... are our vows null and void now? Is it only through thick and thin, unless you have alcoholism?
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I would try and suggest him to read the "to the wives" chapter in the big book and have him replace wife with husband.... DONT DRINK NO MATTER WHAT, it will not make ANYTHING better, I promise you that. Pray to your higher power, he needs to realize to the alcoholic our disease is LIFE and DEATH. What if you had a "slip" but this time werent able to come back, the disease progresses even when where not drinking. Many relapse and are not lucky to make it back, they get alcohol poisoning, have an accident, hit someone in their car, etc... I will pray for you too..
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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
((((Tasha))))...you've got some great feedback already and would add for patience. He has recently watched a relapse and I know what that feels like, looks like, sounds like and more. My former wife was an alcoholic/addict and I didn't know anything about alcoholism; nothing, zero, zilch. I had no idea about how it even held my life thru my own drinking and so I was clueless and angry at her because she couldn't control her drinking and when she was out of control couldn't control anything else in her life. He wants you sober and doesn't know what that means and he doesn't know that alcoholism is a disease. To accept that could be a tremendous change in his attitude about it and about you and about you all. Steve's suggestion is right on and then you might not be the one to get him close to the section in the Big Book. Mike's feedback is experienced also and so I offer patience, work your program for you...get a sponsor and a HIGHER POWER and keep working it cause it works when we work it. Repeatedly apologizing has an element of enabling to it...Keep doing it when it doesn't work and he'll keep doing his part blaming and shaming and judging and discounting you. You might think about a QTIP application Quit Taking It Personal. You have others here that understand and were powerless over him also. (((hugs)))
Your drinking problem is yours alone. It will continue to be your problem if he supports what you're doing or not, if he's angry or not, if he has problems of his own or not or if there are other problems in your marriage or not.
Sure he's angry. Sure he's gonna act out. I'll bet the kids are confused too. Us drunks turn everybody's life upside down through our drinking then flip everything over again by changing and getting sober.
You have a 'right' to be angry when you're not being treated well. The problem is that anger, resentment and fear are emotions that we drunks cannot afford the luxury to hold on to.
You'll make real amends when the time is right. Empty promises aren't part of the process. And part of the instructions for doing so also state 'As God's people we stand on our feet; we don't crawl before anyone.', so neither is grovelling.
Hi Tasha. I haven't had time to read the responses here (or craft a response myself), been working too much. I was in your position once, and I always expected my spouse to believe as much as I did, that "This time" I was going to stay sober. I discounted how much stress that I put my 1st wife through while I was drinking. This stress makes them sick too. That's kind of a different subject, but we need to keep this in mind and be patient with them. Time heals all and one day at a time, when you have a half a year or a year, you'll silence your critics and people will begin to accept that a change is indeed happening. Hang in there and don't dwell of this stuff. It's a good opportunity for your disease to tell you dumb **** like "we were better off drinking".
I did eventually come to my senses, but holy moly - I feel like that was a different person. Very disturbing to see and think of myself like that, but good, as I know now I have a lot to change, can change it, and I certainly do have a problem in with my mind that needs work!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
I'm always around but don't have time to post. Tasha, you'll find that we have a lot of regulars that read just about daily, and many will jump right in to a topic to help someone or if it's about AA history etc... Makes you go "Whoa, where did they all come from, all of the sudden". There always here, I'm grateful for that.
