I recently started seeing someone who is 5 Months sober - I am not a memeber is AA. We see each other about once a week - Dinner, movie, bowling etc.
He moved her months ago and put himself into treatment and currently lives in a sober house.
He attends meetings 3+ times a week and meets with his sponsers. Currently on his 5th step.
I fully support him going to meetings and his sobriety 100%. His sobriety is important to me.
I just wanted thoughts and opinions coming from the recovery side on this. I care about him but do not want to be a distraction or in his way of recovery.
Aloha Sara and welcome to the board...my experience urges me to suggest that you check into the Al-Anon board here...go back to the main page and click on it and read, read, read with an open mind. Come back here and read our stories also because then you get both sides of the addiction picture; from the addicted and from the family, friends, spouses and associates of alcoholics and addicts. Remember keep and open mind because soooo much is dependent upon awareness with this disease.
Run Forest Run! It takes years to recover and only a second to relapse. Imho and (and according to AA surveys) a substantial chance for long term sobriety begins at 5 years sober. And the leading cause of relapse, for recovering alcoholics, with more than a year, is relationships. Do you feel lucky?
I wanted to say that but then thought I'd be being rude.
Actually, probably the best thing that could happen for him right now is to not be able to get into any relationships for a year or two so he has the time to concentrate on working a program and recovery.
We all want the relationship. What happens with us (me at any rate) is we get the relationships we want. They turn out to be an emotional quick fix for us and recovery goes on the back-burner.
Getting into a relationship at 5 months sober isn't something I'd recommend. He should focus on sobriety primarily, especially after only 5 months clean. Who is this persons sponsor anyway? And why doesn't he instruct him better, period? My suggestion, be keenly aware of any suspicious behavior and keep watch dear for any signs of trouble, before you dive in too deep. Alcoholics love to take hostages, so dont become one, okay. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it must be said, period.
I have to say I agree with David on this one. He needs to get through all of the steps and have a year sober before even thinking about dating or relationships.
I've seen this scenerio play out scores of times with always the same result, someone gets drunk and spirals down further. People at 5 months sober and have not worked the steps are not all emotionally well and are fragile, they are still sick. A relationship is just a diversion for working on themselves.
I hate to be harsh and I don't know you, it's smart and caring of you to come and ask opinions on a site like this, but 9 out of 10 times who do emotionally sick people living in a 1/2 way house attract?
Answer is other emotionally sick people possibly who want a codependent relationship and prefer emotionally weak men.
I hope the best for you and only you know your history/pattern of guys you are attracted to. If they are mostly unhealthy, you may want to seek help to determine why, and look to change yourself.
Again, I think the fact that you came to this site and asked they question, indicates that you have some good healthy thought processes. I hope we are helping.
Take Care,
Rob
-- Edited by Rob84 on Friday 30th of March 2012 11:31:55 PM
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Rob
"There ain't no Coupe DeVille hiding in the bottom of a Cracker Jack Box."
Yeah, I really have to agree. I wouldn't have dated me at only 5 months. Heck, if I was a Normal, alcoholism might be a deal breaker altogether. Some people do really get it together and lead totally normal lives, but the guarantee's just aren't there. And it's really hard to tell who will make it and who won't.
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Render unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and unto God that which is God's.
Getting into a relationship at 5 months sober isn't something I'd recommend. He should focus on sobriety primarily, especially after only 5 months clean. Who is this persons sponsor anyway? And why doesn't he instruct him better, period? My suggestion, be keenly aware of any suspicious behavior and keep watch dear for any signs of trouble, before you dive in too deep. Alcoholics love to take hostages, so dont become one, okay. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it must be said, period.
I recently started seeing someone who is 5 Months sober - I am not a memeber is AA. We see each other about once a week - Dinner, movie, bowling etc.
He moved her months ago and put himself into treatment and currently lives in a sober house.
He attends meetings 3+ times a week and meets with his sponsers. Currently on his 5th step.
I fully support him going to meetings and his sobriety 100%. His sobriety is important to me.
I just wanted thoughts and opinions coming from the recovery side on this. I care about him but do not want to be a distraction or in his way of recovery.
Hi Sara, thanks for rasing this with us.
It is more complicated than it seems if one thinks in terms of serious emotional involvments, but from your post it sounds like your relationship has not progressed that far. The AA Big Book, our basic text, as far as a recall doesn't have much to say directly on the subject but it can be seen that many of those early members were married before they got sober and their marriage relationships woked out ok in the long run too.
The other posts are from each individual's experience. Mine is that "boy meets girl on AA campus" early recovery emotional involvements seldom work out well and I struggle to think of a single AA to AA marriage that looks attractive from the outside either. Like the others said it may be some time before your bf, if that's the right term, would be capable of honestly participating in a committed relationship.
When I was at his stage of recovery, I was 23 years old with an emotional age of about 12. I was completely self absorbed and although I genuinely wanted to rejoin the human race in every respect I had not the maturity or experience. With the best of intentions I wouldn't have known an honest feeling if I fell over it. OK,so I wasn't the best material to work with, and I definately wasn't a candidate for a serious relationship, but it was important for me to meet people outside of AA and learn how to socialise, how to make small talk, how to have a nice night at the movies without and ulterior motive, how to have fun in the outside world, how to participate in life. Normal people call it going through adolesence and I was a very late developer. I believe getting this experience is part of our development.
Having said all that I would have thought a normal non-alcoholic wouldn't have been all that interested in me in any serious way, they would see me as manipulative and needy, and somewhat immature. So for me the path was one of a few casual dates here and there, learning not to put my dependence on people, making mistakes and growing up. I was committed, and still am, to my recovery first so nothing my dates did or said had any effect on whether I stayed sober or not, but those social contacts did help me to grow up.
So my suggestion is to keep it casual and expect nothing.
God bless,
Mikeh
-- Edited by Fyne Spirit on Saturday 31st of March 2012 08:41:13 PM
my last sponsor met his wife at 30 days, fell in love with her, they started dating and got married ungodly fast.
within his first year
that was 17-18 years ago, they are still together, they went to Mexico to film a documentary about Mayan Ruins (because we make dreams come true in Sobriety) and they stayed, they live their today, I follow them on Facebook as they build their compound, raise animals, and live a dream life
That's it, out of 20 years trying it myself, watching countless sponsees try, and frankly watching countless tens of thousands try I have seen exactly -one- healthy relationship happen when an alcoholic enters a relationship in their first few years, maybe even 5 as Dean says, the thing is we do what we are going to do, we are all given a God that allows us to make our own mistakes, and I have never met a person that had an ability to learn from the experience of others or didn't think they were the exception until after a series of heartbreaking lessons.
Good luck, if it works out, consider buying a lottery ticket.
I'm not saying it won't work, nor am I giving you advice, I am wincing because you have chosen to play on the freeway and come to a group of road workers to ask what happens to people who play on the freeway after you already invested yourself in the game. Not everybody gets run over, but just about everyone does, the odds aren't good, and if he hasn't told you that his sponsor and others have told him it's a bad idea he is either lying to you or to them, and that is something to pay attention to, emotional dishonesty in a relationship never ends well.
I can't convey how helpful and CODA is to people in your position, once again, I doubt you will go, because it's comfortable to be in a "designated patient" relationship, and especially uncomfortable for people who choose to be in those relationships to face the mirror of self reflection, more so then the alcoholic I'd say, but for me, being in a relationship with a broken person is as much a relapse as if I took a drink, and frankly, as harmful if not more so to my spiritual and emotional health. I doubt you will truly grasp what it is I am trying to say, but I am hoping some people here in their first five years of sobriety might read this and remember it when it's their turn in the barrel, because we stick around long enough, we all get our turn, "more will be revealed"
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Light a man a fire and he's warm for a night, set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life
I dated someone when I had 2 months sober. The relationship lasted a little over a year. Everyone here said it was a mistake and so did people in meetings and my sponsor. Nobody could tell me squat. In retrospect was it a mistake? I dunno. Probably. It didn't make me drink, however the relationship was based on my neediness and as I grew more happy with me, I grew less happy with him. Basically, I used the person because I was too afraid to be alone and sobriety without being attached to someone else was too threatening for me. It was wrong in that way, but all parties were consenting adults. I do owe ammends to that guy seeing as I did use him like that but I am not sure if the ammends wouldn't hurt him more. It would be like saying "Sorry I used you chump." The relationship is done anyhow.
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