I'll try not to make this into a book ... but my emotions are all over the place right now.
My history: Father was an alcoholic until the day he died, as were several other aunts and uncles on both sides of the family. My brother is an alcoholic, and obviously (since I'm here) I am an alcoholic.
I never really drank a lot in public; a lot of that was a fear of getting a drunk driving charge (I watched my brother go through that whole thing, losing his license, and then driving uninsured, unregistered vehicles until he finally did jail time), but it was also due to my being very much an introvert. I also have some OCD issues that have kept me more isolated than I probably would have been otherwise.
So almost all of my drinking has been at home, alone. My drink of choice is wine, but I've occasionally switched to gin & tonic, and have tried pretty much everything else.
I would go through one of those 5-liter boxes of wine in 3 days. Sometimes I could make one last a week, but usually not I also did the thing where I'd rotate liquor stores so that it wouldn't be so obvious how much wine I was going through and how fast. Sometimes I'd even put the box of wine in a big bag to carry into my apartment, so the neighbors wouldn't know how often I was buying it.
I stopped drinking for 7 years, but started up again shortly after starting my current job early in 2009. I drank for another 3 years, and stopped again this past January 2nd. For some reason this week I'd really been craving wine, and I bought some and drank 4 glasses last night after work.
Today I woke up with hives all over my face. I'd started getting hives last summer, and they stopped shortly after I stopped drinking. Coincidence? I don't know ... but maybe this is a sign that I really need to get my act together, once and for all.
I'm about to go pour the rest of the wine down the sink. I can't go to an AA meeting today, unless I put a bag over my head. I just need to calm down and get back on track. Sorry this is so disjointed, but like I said my emotions are all over the place right now.
hi Sushi, welcome to miracles in progress. so glad you are here and have the spirit of willingness, it makes all the difference in the world. you don't have to be embarrassed about what you have been through, a lot of us have been through even worse things than being seen with hives at a meeting. Not sure if you have been to AA meetings before, but you will be welcome at a meeting. at your first meeting the secretary will ask if there are any first timers. looks are not important, it is the condition of your heart and listening to How it Works with an open mind that really matters. it is ok to sit or stand at the back of the room. AA meetings (90 in 90 days) really helped me break my drinking habit. meeting others who know what i was going through really helped and getting their phone numbers to call when feeling 'squirrely' . keep coming back! jj/sheila
Nobody in AA cares if you have hives on your face. It sounds like you have some good internal resources to be able to stop as long as you have before without an AA program. Hence, this program can be the long term fix and lead you to a life much better than you expected.
I turned introvert somewhat in my alcoholism, but my natural tendency was to be extraverted. It went back to that shortly after I stopped drinking. However, for many many folks, it takes them a lot of work and continuing participation in AA to break that crippling shyness. I have heard so many folks say that AA helped them with their social anxiety though that I do feel like I needed to mention it to you.
Also, most folks come into AA with either a legit mental health diagnosis or at least thinking they have one. You are not alone there either.
In fact the whole point of this post is YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Welcome Sushi! If you were at an AA meeting now I'd give you a big hug....Hives or not! Lol.
Mark
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Keep coming back. It works if you work it. So work it. You're worth it!
Welcome and I just love sushi. It is one of our basic food groups here in Hawaii.
"Coincidence? I don't know ... but maybe this is a sign that I really need to get my act together, once and for all." When I was drinking my skin turned a sickly yellowish/green color for a long while which made me think that I had jaundice or that my catholic mother had an affair with an oriental before I was born. A nurse in Al-Anon; my first entry door, told me it wasn't jaundice but something else and five years later my color returned to its natural shade of light brown. I got into AA not long after that.
Your bag over your head statement reminds me of my ex alcoholic/addict wife...the qualified that helped me gain entry into recovery thru Al-Anon. She wouldn't and couldn't find sobriety until 3 years after we separated and divorced she turned herself into rehab and when the aide came in the morning to help her start the program they found her with a bag over her head. The bad stayed over her head for two weeks. What she told the aide that first morning was that she was wearing the bad because if she didn't allow herself to be blindly led thru recovery she would never find it. She is my metaphor for humility which for me means being teachable.
No one (here at least) is gonna mind you being in a meeting with your face broke out. It will remind many what it use to be like then for them, what they found out and what it is like now. Get to the meeting and don't drink. If I can go from yellow/green to light brown again you can get past the hives. (((((hugs)))))
I think there's an invisible principle of living...if we believe we're guided through every step of our lives, we are. Its a lovely sight, watching it work.
A bag over my head!!!! WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT!??? Instead I chose to lie about my name (using my middle name). So terrified to be known by someone - or have it get out to one of my students that I am an alcoholic. Or maybe I was just being stupid, but I wish I would have put a bag over my head instead! At least it would have been honest - what I'm finding is the key to success here! Welcome, looking forward to getting to know you!
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Thanks for everything. Peace and Love on your journey.
Today is day 3 (once again). The hives are still there, although not quite as bad as a couple of days ago.
To answer the AA question, I did go to a few meetings back in 2002 after I'd had about 3 months without drinking. Maybe it was the particular group I went to, but it wasn't a 12-step meeting, it was mainly people telling their stories. I didn't go for long; at the time it seemed that going to those meetings made me think about drinking more than I would have otherwise. Maybe that was just an excuse, I don't know. I do remember that at my very first meeting, I cried. I remember thinking that I'd somehow always known I'd eventually end up at AA.
But I still haven't gone back since that brief time. I've looked up the times and locations of meetings near me, I've mapped them out on Mapquest, I've done everything but actually GO to one.
Sometime in the last few weeks, I came across something here about people not drinking but being a "dry drunk" ... I think that maybe that's where I was during the 7 years I didn't drink. Because during most of that time, I didn't do any of the stuff you're supposed to do. I started a long-distance relationship about 8 or 9 months into my sobriety, then moved halfway across the country to be with him. He had 2 kids from his first marriage. I had none, and being a stepmother was way more challenging than I'd ever expected. That relationship lasted about 5 years ... and somehow I got through the whole divorce and moving without drinking. Until about a year later.
At that point, I just couldn't seem to really "remember" why it was so important for me not to drink. It wasn't so much me trying to convince myself that I wasn't an alcoholic, at least I don't believe it was. I just didn't care any more if I was sober or not. If I'd been in AA then, that all probably would have gone a lot differently.
Somehow this recent outbreak of hives immediately after drinking has somehow made me feel stronger. Maybe because I've always had "problem skin" --- acne, acne scarring, picking at my skin, never going outside without makeup on --- and so anything that makes that whole issue even worse is just something I don't want to do.
Ahhhh wine. I remember I worked as a cook once in a fancy restaurant. We used to cook the scallops in wine. Actually, I used to drink the wine while I was cooking the scallops. No unmanageability there.
Someday I'll tell you about traveling from Nova Scotia to Wyoming because a girl on the net said she loved me.
I guess we're not all that different.
Welcome to the family.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of my days are worthless, anymore.
